Aibu to want men to walk in front

[walkthiswayornot]

Hello,

So to cut a long story short, I spend lots of time walking in various rural secluded places with my dog.

I often come across other people walking obviously. Which is clearly fine.

A few times I have felt uncomfortable as a lone woman when I have had men walking behind me. I realise that's my issue and they are entitled to walk and are probably totally innocent but still my heart always skips a beat.

For example this morning very early, just as the sun came up so fairly dark, I was walking in the woods and heard a stick snap behind. Turned around and a man was walking quite close behind me. I made an awkward attempt to move aside saying something about taking a slow walk. However he waited behind so I had to carry on. Eventually I left the path. As it happens I came across two other men at different points but they were in front of me going the opposite way, which felt much safer. I'm sure all 3 men were minding their own business and just living their own lives but I can't help but feel uneasy in certain situations. I wish I was more assertive so I could ask them to please walk in front, it feels less intimidating when they are walking ahead.

Are men conscious that this is an issue? Would you as a man step aside? As a woman would you be able to ask that? Aibu to ask that once I get a back bone?

My mother told me from an early age to stop and let a man past so that will inform my thinking of course. Generally it never bothers me as I live in a very very low crime rate area and probably am not in situations where I’m alone in the dark. However if I am and I feel safer letting a bloke past then I will do if only to not have that awful jolt of adrenaline you sometimes get.

I understand, I sometimes feel similarly in secluded places.

Some men are aware of it and act accordingly, and some men aren't.

That's not their fault, it's just that people are different, hear and understand different things, and you can't put your expectations onto strangers. It won't be on some men's radar at all and that doesn't mean they are bad people, it just means it hasn't come to their attention.

What is in your control is to simply try to raise awareness by talking about the topic with the men in your life.

I can't stand this either. My dad is in his late 70s and if he's out walking he will make a point of crossing the road if he's behind a lone female. He's good that way.

It’s perfectly fair. Please don’t try to shame women into ignoring their survival instincts.

I go for walks all the time and I have found that most men will take the initiative and either walk ahead or say hello or something as reassurance as they are aware that women can be nervous in these circs..
But your reaction is quite normal and I would definitely do or say whatever you need to in order to feel ok.

This & the threat of actual harm is what puts me off walking in quiet places alone.

I'm not saying you should avoid it.

Men should have a curfew!!

For what it's worth, amidst all the man-hating stereotyping that will no doubt arise on this thread, my DF is afraid to walk near women due to his own fear of being accused or thought of being intimidating.

How many men, do we think, have any idea that women worry about this? All the time?

I am the mother of a 25 and 15 yo and have had this discussion more than once with both of them.
They both understand why women (especially lone ones) may feel nervous and know how to behave accordingly. That said, we've only talked about it in urban settings, not out in the woods or across the fields. I'm not sure what the answer is there. If they are going about their business, enjoying the peace and solitude then what should they do?

Not all women worry about this all the time though. I go out alone a great deal, and am not at all worried about being attacked by a man. It is rare where I live, I'm more likely to go over on my ankle and end up in a ditch, or get dive bombed by the local buzzard, or get jumped on by a dog (now that DOES annoy me, but that's a whole other thread).

Many men are blindly unaware that most women in this situation (low light, isolated area) will be in a state of hyper-vigilance. They move through the world very differently to us, and it will never have occurred to them not to walk somewhere, or park somewhere, or take late night transport, because it would never have occurred to them that any of those things could be dangerous.

They’re not taught to have that automatic risk calculator ticking away sub-consciously from a young age - they’re not reflexively on high alert when someone is walking just behind them, so they’re oblivious to the effect on women when they do it.

DS (raised in a feminist household to be aware of issues that affect women) had a Damascene moment as a late teen when one of his female friends told him none of the girls would come to a particular pub because it would have meant taking a late train home and they would feel unsafe. He was astonished, and you could see his sudden realisation that he and his male friends lived in a parallel universe, where they could move around freely and unthinkingly because pretty much no place or situation held any fear for them - why would it?

With men in woods, I tend to just stand to one side, fiddle with dog lead, laces or whatever, and let them get well clear of me. If a bloke was being misguidedly polite, I’d insist and say I’d prefer for them to go ahead. It’s shit all round for everyone, really, isn’t it? But unfortunately the world we live in 🤷‍♀️

Awww, bless 🙄

Where have I done that? I'm absolutely not shaming women into ignoring their survival instincts. I'm just saying that not all men are going to be aware that this is taking place in their minds, and its not their fault.

I’ve certainly had a couple of men be very aggressive when I’ve crossed the road to avoid them, or stood to let them go past me. Obviously that’s a tiny minority.

I’ve had that I was somewhere in the pitch black navigating with phone torch ( rubbish by the way so now carry a decent torch and this bloke was following me. I stepped aside fumbling for my keys as you do. He must of known he’d startled me and said so sorry I’m not scary and vanished off into the darkness

How would they know why you crossed a road?
In what way are they aggressive

Thats not what they are doing at all. Please don’t accuse posters of shaming women just because they have disagreed with a point of view. I also don’t think it’s a fair view and most certainly am not shaming anyone.

It's an issue. DS gets off the bus, finds himself behind a lone woman, crosses the road, and again finds himself behind a lone woman. He understands, but also wants to go home, or get to work.

My DH goes out walking / running alot on secluded paths and is super aware of not making lone women feel uncomfortable. Crossing the road if possible, if not he will make an effort to overtake whilst announcing himself loudly 'coming through on your left' type thing. It should be common sense for men to do this i reckon

Is it common anywhere? Genuinely, because I'm not frightened of being alone. The only places I don't like at night are cities

I stop dead and force them to pass. I often pretend to be looking at something on my phone but not always.

I like to keep strange men where I can see them, thank you very much,

Will have a look at the Hollie ap. 🙂

If I see a lonely female and it's possible I would cross to the other side of the road.
If they are in front and on a single track I would probably walk slower to let them get some distance.
If not possible I would give as wide a berth as possible and try to let them know I was there.
I think most decent thinking men are aware that this is an issue. It's often difficult to know what is the right thing to do.

And @HorrorFan81’s post directly after yours demonstrates how men with a modicum of awareness can deal with this terrible ‘issue’ without ‘being afraid’ (as a previous poster suggested - FFS 😂) or having to inconvenience themselves in any way.

It’s really not difficult.

You know how some men will just stare fixedly at you? It's like that. Some men just enjoy making you uncomfortable, giving you a bit of a scare.. They're just having a laugh.

Reading this thread just highlights how threatened women feel for their personal safety. I avoid woods and anywhere remote when walking the dog .I really don’t know how things will change.