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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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8
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/02/2025 12:27

Absolutely right, @wizzywig. Sadly I doubt this man can see beyond the end or his own nose, and won't give a damn.

LivelyMintViper · 17/02/2025 12:59

Could you enlist the support of his mother? Or would that be counter productive.?

RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 13:23

LivelyMintViper · 17/02/2025 12:59

Could you enlist the support of his mother? Or would that be counter productive.?

Do you mean to make him leave the house?

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ChristmasPudd1990 · 17/02/2025 16:14

RainbowStriped · 14/02/2025 21:44

I was excited before and hopeful but now it feels so real. DH can tell something is up with me tonight, he doesn’t know yet. I suffer from depression in the lead up to my period, I know I’m not thinking straight at the moment. It also feels unfair that I’m the one going and starting again and DH gets to stay in our house. I still doubt if I would have been better off staying in my house and trying to get DH to move out instead. Sorry - rambling post 😢

Why can't you throw your husband out and you stay in the lovely house? After all it's already adapted for your son. Turf the husband out.

LivelyMintViper · 17/02/2025 16:37

RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 13:23

Do you mean to make him leave the house?

To encourage him to put his children first and leave the house

RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 17:02

Spoke to housing again and they have given me an extra 24 hours to completely decide 🏠

Pros - It’s near to my parents

Much nearer to my work

new kitchen

I would finally be free and can start the divorce process.

It would be completely mine. A fresh start.

Living rurally at the moment - this house is close to the town centre, swimming pools, cinemas, beaches etc. I don’t drive and currently rely on busses.

Cons - The area is known as a rough, deprived area.

The garden is overgrown and potentially dangerous but housing said that I could apply for a grant to put fences up.

The house is old, crumbling steps and paving slabs outside. Not sure if it would have anymore problems if I moved in. It’s your typical council property, pebble dashed, the outside is worn looking and dirty. The whole thing would need painting.

Cons - I would have to leave my whole community where I have raised my children and leave a decent sized new-ish house.

Cons - a long commute for oldest. Potentially he wouldn’t want to do that as he gets older and will choose to mostly be with his Dad. I might become detached from him and not see him much.

Cons - H might even be difficult about the area and bad mouth it putting my oldest off staying there. It wouldn’t be easy to have DS friends over and H has never done play dates on his own.

Where I am now - my new build is so cheap to run, lovely and warm and well insulated. The house I was offered seems like it would be cold and hard to heat. Currently I have a wet room which is ideal for my son’s needs.

Options - Take the house

Stay where I am and get H to leave.
Keep looking for housing association homes which are better quality/mostly new builds.

Still thinking… 🤔

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TheCatterall · 17/02/2025 17:11

@RainbowStriped id honestly stop considering DH reaction. Nothing you will do will make him happy.

the only peoples happiness you should consider is yours and the children’s.

So - what’s best for you (as you need to be happy and functioning to continue being a fabulous mum/human).

What’s best for you and the children for the next 3- 5 years with regards housing, school, community and transport?

it would be easier for him to find himself somewhere suitable than for you and this children.

lets face it - he’s going to be a mard little dick for at least 6 months whatever you do.

If the current home works best for you and the children then that’s what you should aim for.

long term - 5-10 years - the fuss he creates now will be a distant memory and a blip in your children’s lifetime.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 17/02/2025 17:13

LivelyMintViper · 17/02/2025 16:37

To encourage him to put his children first and leave the house

Well he doesn't seem to have bothered to put the kids first before,so I doubt he will now 😔

windyweather66 · 17/02/2025 18:13

I know your DH is a nightmare, but I wouldn't leave your house for all the reasons you've given. I think you'll be miserable and end up regretting it.

Hang on to see if another, more suitable property becomes available and/or try to get your husband to leave. I'd also stop doing so much for him. He knows you're trying to appease him and plays up to it. Grey rock as much as you can get away with.

I really hope you can finally be free of him in the near future.

RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 18:54

Thanks everyone. I had a long chat with a women’s aid worker and she did say that Council properties can be in poor condition. She mentioned supporting me if I decided to stay in my current property and help me to get H out. I will phone a solicitor and research occupational orders. I want a quiet, quick divorce, no drama, no courts, just clean and quick.

Ideally - I would love another property similar to what I’ve got now but much nearer to DS school. The Housing Officer strongly recommended that I accept this property as I’ll lose my current points, I only get one offer of a council house. That’s why she’s given me a further 24 hours to think.

I can also bid on local housing association properties which are much nicer new builds.

Another pro - I have been granted help from a fund linked to my profession which would enable me to purchase furniture, white goods and kit out a house when I accept one. My application will be held open for 3 years if I do choose to move out. I’m so grateful for their help 💕

Still thinking 🤔

OP posts:
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 18:57

Here’s an idea of what my current garden is like - not my actual garden!

DH behaved horribly on his birthday
OP posts:
Redfred00 · 17/02/2025 19:06

RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 18:54

Thanks everyone. I had a long chat with a women’s aid worker and she did say that Council properties can be in poor condition. She mentioned supporting me if I decided to stay in my current property and help me to get H out. I will phone a solicitor and research occupational orders. I want a quiet, quick divorce, no drama, no courts, just clean and quick.

Ideally - I would love another property similar to what I’ve got now but much nearer to DS school. The Housing Officer strongly recommended that I accept this property as I’ll lose my current points, I only get one offer of a council house. That’s why she’s given me a further 24 hours to think.

I can also bid on local housing association properties which are much nicer new builds.

Another pro - I have been granted help from a fund linked to my profession which would enable me to purchase furniture, white goods and kit out a house when I accept one. My application will be held open for 3 years if I do choose to move out. I’m so grateful for their help 💕

Still thinking 🤔

There's also a flee fund you can apply for. I think it's £500.

RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 19:14

Garden in council house - dead trees/grass/broken paving slabs/many gaps where youngest could squeeze though and escape! Overgrown and ugly. I know all this could be fixed in time. Sloping so not possible for him to have a trampoline which he needs for self regulation.

OP posts:
RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 19:15

Redfred00 · 17/02/2025 19:06

There's also a flee fund you can apply for. I think it's £500.

They’ve stopped these now unfortunately 😢

OP posts:
Redfred00 · 17/02/2025 19:32

RainbowStriped · 17/02/2025 19:15

They’ve stopped these now unfortunately 😢

https://grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/

Notaflippinclue · 17/02/2025 20:00

Say you are sick cancel his birthday party

Notaflippinclue · 17/02/2025 20:10

Sorry dipped in and didn't get the gist properly. Whatever you decide good luck.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 17/02/2025 20:20

Notaflippinclue · 17/02/2025 20:00

Say you are sick cancel his birthday party

Keep up.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 17/02/2025 20:36

I don't think a trampoline is a 'need'. Honestly.

Glidingswan · 17/02/2025 20:42

I just want to say Op I’ve been following your story, you are doing great, checking out all possibilities while your emotions must be like a roller coaster. You will make the right decision. Sending you love 🫂 and strength

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/02/2025 20:54

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 17/02/2025 20:36

I don't think a trampoline is a 'need'. Honestly.

It is a need if a ND child needs it to self regulate, @HuckleberryBlackcurrant.

Nationsss · 17/02/2025 20:55

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 17/02/2025 20:36

I don't think a trampoline is a 'need'. Honestly.

I have heard trampolines being fantastic for regulation.

Could one be dug out eventually OP?
If you keep reaching out for grants and help for your child?

Eventually your son will leave school.
Being near a town wins I think, long term.

Sneezeless · 17/02/2025 22:28

You are coming up with more and more excuses not to move all the time.

RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 07:25

Glidingswan · 17/02/2025 20:42

I just want to say Op I’ve been following your story, you are doing great, checking out all possibilities while your emotions must be like a roller coaster. You will make the right decision. Sending you love 🫂 and strength

Thank you 💕

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RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 07:27

This is the garden - please help! Is it as bad as I think?!

DH behaved horribly on his birthday
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