DH behaved horribly on his birthday

[RainbowStriped]

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

You really need to think again about moving out of your house, OP. It doesn't sound as though that's the best thing for you.

I still have no idea what to do. I fear that moving out will be a horrible mistake-leaving a large, new -ish house, leaving my community, mum friends, lovely neighbours, a place where my son can walk home from school in 10 minutes, can happily play out with his friends and walk back home. A lovely safe contained garden that is perfect for my youngest- swapping that for a very old, grimy looking house, a garden that is really not safe for my youngest and I really wouldn’t know where to begin in making it so, the council said they won’t pay for any fences etc. Zooming into the picture of the house it looks poorly maintained with crumbling steps - although a new kitchen, decent bathroom but no extra toilet and no wet room (which is what we have now - when my son has accidents a wet room is ideal for his needs)

The area is notorious, known as a very rough area. It’s 9 miles away. It’s a worry. Hard to really know until I’m actually living there. A friend did ask if I thought my son would be safe there? It’s worrying.

I will ask the council what would happen if I turn this one down? What would happen to my place on the housing list?

It’s so so difficult. I’ve been seeing other nice new builds being advertised via my HA which would be ideal - I’ll keep thinking today.

OP, would you talk to social services and talk about the abuse.
Would you ask about foster care to give you space from the abuse while you know the children are safe?

Sometimes the knowledge that you are willing to put the children in care because of what is going on, making it a THEM problem can focus minds to actually help you.
Have you sought Women's aid advice on how to proceed?

I think that SS depend on women always sucking it up.
It is so awful that you have to leave a house that suits you and the children because of his abuse.

Have you asked the HA about getting him out? Involving the police because he terrorises you all?
I feel so sorry for you.

I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place -

Stay and I remain trapped in a dead marriage with a man who I have grown to hate. Stay and I would have to leave my marriage and fight for my current house. It wouldn’t be easy but not impossible.

Go and I have to leave a lovely house, my whole community, Mum friends, my oldest (as he’s likely as he gets older and even now to prefer staying at his Dads and being so close to school.) Leaving a community that holds so many memories of my children growing up feels so painful.

Ideally I would move much closer to a house similar to what we’ve got now. A safe little home with a safe contained garden for my son. Not too far away for my oldest.

I know people leave marriages all the time but I really don’t know how they do it 😔

Much as I think you need to leave, this house does seem to have too many negatives.

I think you need to see a solicitor first. And as you've just come to the realisation that you cannot continue, unless he's likely to turn violent I don't think you should take the first house offered, especially as you won't be in a safe area.

Thank you. I’m swinging between one minute thinking it could work to the next thinking it’s a dreadful idea - more thinking to be done today - Women’s Aid can appeal on my behalf apparently. It’s the garden and general state of the outside of the house that’s off putting and how far away it is. Gah! I’ll keep on thinking. Wish I had longer to decide.

Still deciding. Apparently it’s possible to do a house swap after accepting the property. Loads to think about.

Why are you so sure your H wont move out if you officially separate?

He is a dickhead from your posts, I agree. But surely even he will think about what is best for the children?

It’ll be so much easier for him as he drives, he earns 4/5 times more than I do and I’m the primary carer. He’s brought up in arguments how he won’t be the one to leave “next time” or “next time things will end but not in the way I think they will end” (whatever that means!!)

(he stayed with his mum the last two times for a few weeks) It feels unfair because I had a social housing property for years before I met him and him then keeping the lovely new build and me ending up starting from scratch in a house needing loads of work/grotty/not necessarily suitable for my youngest feels unfair.

I doubt he would leave without a fight and would try and punish me for taking his home away. Course it’s hard to know how things would play out.

Have you taken further advice, spoken to elected officials about how you get him and keep him out? He’s an abuser, it’s been documented, appeasing him and hoping for an agreed end won’t work. So much advice given that you continue to ignore.

I don’t get why you won’t seek advice on getting him to leave if your current house meets the children’s needs and you stay near your support network? Surely you can speak to the council about that and relevant orgs such as police? Please don’t move out when he is the abuser!!

Just because it feels hard doesnt mean you shouldn’t fight for what is fair 💐

I hope I have commented in time. I’ve seen you are going through a hard time and unsure if you should move out. There is a lot of great advice here but you have to remember many of these people have not been in your position nor are they in the position you want to be in. I thought I’d come here to share that I’ve been in your exact position before. 3 kids, relationship was rocky for many years, was in a terrible place mentally because of my situation and DH did not always treat me the best. Was very controlling. I thought I hated him and wished for nothing more than to leave him but he held all the cards. He also treated me terrible on his birthday, complained all day to the point it made me feel sick. I was trying my hardest to make him happy to the point where I was not. Yes, at that time I should’ve left. I made a decision to see it through because I didn’t have anywhere to go. And something amazing happened. This horrible man who I once hated became an angel. He takes on all the responsibilities now when there was once a time he never used to help with the kids. He spends a crazy amount on things I want and nothing on himself- he used to be so selfish. He makes me feel like a queen and is amazing- the man I always wanted. It took him a while to get there. He had a lot of debt that I never knew about and this was affecting the way he treated me. Now that he is debt free and thriving, so it our relationship. None of this probably helps but I think its worth saying that people can change despite what everyone says. He honestly did and you know your husband better than I do. Maybe just maybe he is going through something too. Whether that be his depressed or his being unfaithful. I’m not telling you to stay by any means because there’s 2 ways this can go. You need to think long and hard about if you can stand the rain.

@Justlivelovelaugheat you mean debt that your h ran up and that you are also liable for because you're married? The debt he hid from you. Sorry to rain on your parade but this is not a good man. Dishonest.

Op, your h won't change. If anything, they get worse.

Don't believe in fairy tales.

I hope you can find an appropriate property. All power to you.

It was in his business which is a ltd. Neither of us were personally liable. It’s all better now and yes he is a great man. I’m not sure if this is the case for OP but I’m giving my story. It’s not a fairytale if I’ve actually lived it. OP anyways, I’m wishing you the best. Please explore all your options and give your head held high!

When I initially spoke to women’s aid regarding my situation the DA worker did advise that staying in the marital home can be riskier as the perpetrator can view the house as “theirs” can turn up, harass, not respect boundaries etc. DH had a difficult childhood with multiple house moves and no security, he’s says this is the first proper home he’s ever had and in arguments says I’m always threatening his security/that I’m the type to try and take his home away from him.

I don’t think he would be the type to stalk or harass, I don’t think he could be bothered tbh but he would hold it over my head forever that I was the one who took his home away.

I will also speak to WA about me staying in the property and what would happen. Phoning a solicitor this week too.

Where I’m living now has a lovely community feel, I don’t have a support network here as such, things are different now that my oldest has left primary school, I’m not doing school runs and don’t really see the other parents much. I’ve got a few Mums that I meet for coffees every few months but I could do that anyway even if I was living elsewhere. No family here. Lovely community feel though where I’m guaranteed to bump into someone I know at the shop etc. All my son’s friends are here. Lots of history here, our whole lives are here.

It’s difficult.

So another H taking no accountability for a marriage breakdown. I had a similar issue with my ex, I was told in arguments that I would be the one to leave. In the end, I did leave but I wasn't going to go without making it perfectly clear it would be done legally and would take as long as it took. It wasn't a pleasant year that it took to leave but i am now satisfied that I didn't just walk away and accept defeat as i was the one to split. My advice would be to not take the first house that is offered 9 miles away, its too far for your DC for school. Its horrendous but so worth it OP.

Morning everyone, it’s D Day! Lots to think about, many phone calls to make. No option is easy - staying with DH (nope) trying to get him out of our house or me moving away and starting from scratch in a new area. None of them are easy. I feel that it is unusual for the mother to leave the marital home? It’s normally the Father that does. I know every situation is different.

I left the marital home and he has to buy me out within 3 years (just over a year to go). So I have a lovely house not too far from my old home (my DS was in secondary school) with a mortgage, no pension sharing. It will be tough for a while financially but when he has to buy me out next year it will be eased. I never thought I would find somewhere as community orientated or friendly as my home of 20 year but I have and love it. Don't rush, or be rushed, into any decisions.

Ideally I would live nearby, maybe not in the same village but close enough to my son’s school especially with him doing GCSEs in a few years. Oh to win the lottery!

That sounds perfect! I’m glad things worked out for you 😀

But you aren't the one who will be taking away his home.

He'll be losing his home because of himself due to his own vile behaviour.
He doesn't get to blackmail you about how it's his first stable home. You need a stable home for you and your child and that should be the most important thing. Staying in the home is for them.
He needs an education on how to husband and dad and he doesn't get to do that in the family home.

He's not going to understand that though until he's on his arse, rock bottom and then (hopefully) he'll see how he's been a total c**T and how it's not ok to treat you as he has been.

I don't hold a lot of hope though. Sorry.

Well done for making plans to get out OP. He’s an utter arsehole and you will be much better off without him.

My opinion is that it takes a special type of shitty person to put their kids in a not so nice accommodation as a punishment for the marriage ending. I hope he sleeps well in the lovely house you both created