DH behaved horribly on his birthday

[RainbowStriped]

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

I was excited before and hopeful but now it feels so real. DH can tell something is up with me tonight, he doesn’t know yet. I suffer from depression in the lead up to my period, I know I’m not thinking straight at the moment. It also feels unfair that I’m the one going and starting again and DH gets to stay in our house. I still doubt if I would have been better off staying in my house and trying to get DH to move out instead. Sorry - rambling post 😢

I really loved the idea of starting again, somewhere that’s mine - I don’t know why I’m feeling this way,

@RainbowStriped don't be so hard on yourself op. Starting again takes so much energy and it's bloody scary. It'll be worth every effort though. Take it one step at a time and you'll soon have a lovely safe home that's just for you and your children.

I felt just as you do about it being unfair. I was verbally , financially and emotionally abused by exh all those years ago so why should I have moved out? Looking back though, I'm glad I moved from what was our home because I've got something better now and you will too. A blank canvas is a very good thing.

OP, you are given a chance and don’t waste it.
House can be done up and adapted,there’s some grants to have it done especially if your child is disabled.
Friends and family are usually more than happy to help (in healthy relationships).

You’re scared because it’s a pivotal change in your life. Don’t be afraid of change,embrace it.

I was you just over a year ago. I walked away (leaving H in family home)into temporary accommodation with 2 kids,one severely autistic.Now we’re in lovely HA house and both kids adapted pretty well.

You loved the idea of starting again- it’s still a great idea but sometimes our fears take over- better the devil you know and ripping the kids out of their family home and familiar surroundings into something that is not better to start with,not to mention “breaking the family”,yada,yada…

We started with mattresses on the floor. That’s how freedom starts. We were given/bought cheaply on fb white goods and furniture.

Freedom is peace and not tiptoeing around somebody’s moods,not having door shut in my face,not being on tenterhooks all time. Freedom is not picking up after another person,not being sabotaged and the other EA stuff.

Take the house if you’re offered as long as transport links are good enough to get you to school/work.

Good luck💐

How can you stay married to him? He's pathetic! Sounds like your kids secretly think he's a dick too, I'd run for the hills. Life doesn't have to be this way x

If he's this way about father day and his birthday because if his own dad then he should be more mindful about his own behaviour and try and be grateful for what sound like a loving and VERY accepting family. If he keeps this shit up, he may find himself without one. I don't know how you could stand to be with him to be honest

Will he get to stay in the house though? Would he be able to afford it on his own?

I think you need to leave. It is safer for both you and your DC. The new house will be lovely and cosy in time and it will be all yours! I understand you are trying to find reasons to stay - it's a massive step and a scary one at that but you can do this. You are setting a very good example to your kids, that no one is allowed to treat you this way.

Good luck OP!

Our current house is a housing association property - he would be able to afford it on his own. Comparing this house to what I’ve been offered is hard as we are in a lovely new build that was brand new when we moved into it - it’s walking distance to my sons comp. It’s a perfect little house compared with what I’ve been offered. I can’t help feeling like I’m making a terrible mistake especially given how far it is away from my sons school (9 miles away)

15 minute walk to the bus stop then 35 minutes to his school on the bus. Ideally I would be closer to his comp.

I know people divorce all the time but I really don’t know how they do it. I feel like my heart is breaking at leaving my home and community 😢

Thing is though, based on his behaviour I just don’t see any chance of him leaving the house you’re in. He’s petty, selfish and self-pitying. If he did move out it would be temporary and you’d never hear the end of it. He’d be constantly coming and going, calling it his house and either trying to sabotage you or the kids moving on or trying to wheedle his way back in. So that idea just seems like a non starter.

The choice you have is whether to stay there with him or move somewhere else.

I wonder if the OP is thinking about what might happen to the children if she leaves. He sounds spiteful enough to go for 50% custody and then they are at his mercy alone. Also if the police haven't been involved up to now, would she have a strong enough case to deny this and ask for supervised contact only? Hopefully a solicitor can put your mind at rest regarding these issues OP. You need to document the abuse with the solicitor.

You’ve been through a lot of trauma and the path ahead is totally scary and unknown it would be surprising if you weren’t upset

You are going through phases of mourning, to a degree.
You clearly had ideas of getting married, having kids and living a long and happy life with your kids and all of the memories that would come along with that.

You are realising that the above isn't going to be your life any more so you are mourning that loss.

Perfectly normal thing to do.

@RainbowStriped - you are being so brave and strong about this - I just wish I could come and give you the biggest hug.

Your new house will become a home because it will have you and your children in it, and all the love you bring with you.

Can you contact your son's school, and say that you are having to move, and ask if there is anything they can do to help with transport to school for your son? You can make it absolutely clear that you are being forced to move, due to the emotional abuse in your marriage - that might help.

Instead of seeing it as unfair that your DH gets to stay in your house, see this as an opportunity to live a life but without the shadow of "What if I do/say something wrong? Will he take it out on me or the kids?" - living without that kind of stressor is going to be such a new thing for you, you'll be wondering why you waited so long to do it.

You can decorate this place to your personal tastes, and not have to factor him in AT ALL. Also I'd try to start thinking of it as turning a page in your life - you have a completely blank page in front of you and you're allowed to write what you want on that page and where you want to write it and in whatever colour you want to write and when - so many opportunities here for you.

Also, if your current house has been adapted for your son and it's a home with multiple bedrooms, I also think it's unlikely that he will be allowed to stay there once you move out. He won't be able to have the kids overnight and you may never want them to have an overnight with him when you do start the divorce proceedings.

I'm not sure if you mentioned it yet but are you both named on the tenancy of your current house? You'll need to get the council on to that if it's in both your names when you move out. I wouldn't be hanging on, hoping that he'll leave and you get to stay either. The place will host too many bad memories so starting somewhere fresh would be best.

OP please check with your housing association because where I live if your home has been adjusted for someone with disabilities or a medical need the person that was put in for needs to live there!
So you're husband may not have the choice of living in the house.

Being in the US I obviously know nothing about social housing, but this makes great sense to me. Definitely ask. It may not allow for him to be kicked out, but at least you'd know he didn't have the house.

I know you're scared. But I always liken situations like this to leaning to dive off the high dive. You're standing on the platform, scared to death. Below you is the nice, clear, and refreshing pool. All your friends are in the water shouting "Come on, you can do it" and "You'll love it, the water's great!". You stand there, bouncing on your toes, butterflies in your tummy. Then suddenly, despite your fear your courage appears and you just jump without any hesitation. For a moment you're 'flying' and then you land in the pool with a great splash. And it's wonderful! You float and kick and swim as much as you like. You did it!!!

Talk to your HA. If you do leave, will he have to also? And if so, can you put your name back in on that house? You've got nothing to lose by asking.

This.
My DP loathes his dad and learned how not to dad by not following in his father's footsteps.
I learnt how not to parent by my own DF (and brother).

Pressed send too soon.

My point being you'd think OPs H would make a conscious effort to be a better dad having learnt from his own experience and not wallow in poor dad syndrome.
It's ok to wallow, but not for long

It's normal to be scared. The unknown is scary.

It's also sad. It's sad because the life you thought you would have with H is over. Unfortunately, what you thought it was going to be and what it is are very different things. That doesn't stop you grieving the future you wanted for you and the kids. You have to remind yourself that that future was a dream/ fantasy it wasn't real. Once you've gone you'll have to remind yourself of the reality of your life with H because it will be very easy to forget and romanticise. Abusive men are not abusive all the time. I loved mine will every part of me. It took me nearly a decade to not miss him because he head fucked me so much. He was a very dangerous, abusive and violent man but he was also kind, funny, charming, beautiful, loving. I had to keep reminding myself of all that he was to stay away from him.

You can't change the area of the house. Everything else is fixable. You might be able to get a grant to decorate. Once the heating is on it will feel warmer. You will be able to make it a home.

Go for it @RainbowStriped. You can do it. You deserve a fresh start and happiness and so do your kids.

Aww OP. Wish I could give you a hug. This is making me sad. You’re a tough cookie you can do this! His treated you awful and you could be happier without him. It might not feel good now but you’ll thank yourself one day. Good luck!

Thank you for your kind words 💕

Get him therapy vouchers.
He obviously had past trauma related to his birthday that makes him emotionally regress.

I recommend you look at videos of Sam Vaknin on narcisisstic cycle of abuse and how to free yourself from abusive relationships.

On second thought, don't. One needes to change to really get help.
From what I read he doesn't and likely never will.