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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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RainbowStriped · 13/02/2025 08:38

Weird update - (With lighthearted intentions)

Something odd is happening around his birthday presents. Yesterday a pint glass that he received for his birthday fell off the kitchen drainer and smashed. A piece of jewellery snapped as soon as he put it on his wrist, our youngest got hold of a set of speakers (another gift) and threw them across the room breaking them and this morning a watch he received fell off the shelf face down onto a glass table (close to shattering.)

I’m not hugely superstitious but there now appears to be some bad karma/woo woo or whatever you want to call it surrounding his birthday gifts. I used to call myself a witch in my teenage years - (have I accidentally cursed his gifts? Probably not but it’s still weird!) 😮

OP posts:
myplace · 13/02/2025 08:42

Confirmation bias and bad feeling. As in, some items are broken because of sabotage- your DS resenting his dad’s behaviour, your husband subconsciously spoiling things and you being hyper aware of those new, expensive and emotionally loaded items.

unfortunately a lot of advice you received before were based on this being an otherwise nice guy with a badly managed emotional issue around his birthday. Apparently it’s more a case of, nasty man with occasional nice days.

Daleksatemyshed · 13/02/2025 09:22

Sounds more like he's breaking things on purpose to me Op. Was there always a witness to these accidents or was he alone

RainbowStriped · 13/02/2025 09:44

Daleksatemyshed · 13/02/2025 09:22

Sounds more like he's breaking things on purpose to me Op. Was there always a witness to these accidents or was he alone

He didn’t break them. They all happened when I was alone apart from when he tried on the bracelet but I saw him putting it on and he definitely didn’t deliberately break it.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 13/02/2025 09:52

Well then @RainbowStriped that's a bit bizarre.

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2025 09:55

RainbowStriped · 13/02/2025 09:44

He didn’t break them. They all happened when I was alone apart from when he tried on the bracelet but I saw him putting it on and he definitely didn’t deliberately break it.

It's a sign telling you to go...

Is that still your plan @RainbowStriped ?

RainbowStriped · 13/02/2025 10:04

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2025 09:55

It's a sign telling you to go...

Is that still your plan @RainbowStriped ?

Yes definitely. Just making more lists about stuff I need to sort out like phoning a solicitor, making another appointment with Women’s Aid etc. A lovely little house was advised the other day via a local Housing Association and I was so so tempted to apply however it would have been extremely difficult/virtually impossible for my oldests to get to his comp in the morning. It was just much too far away but it was very tempting! Trying to be sensible as he will have to be able to travel in the mornings (that he’s with me) and I don’t want to make things extremely difficult for him. I’m looking everyday and applying for suitable properties in the meantime. Fingers crossed 🤞

OP posts:
MusicMakesItAllBetter · 13/02/2025 14:23

RainbowStriped · 13/02/2025 10:04

Yes definitely. Just making more lists about stuff I need to sort out like phoning a solicitor, making another appointment with Women’s Aid etc. A lovely little house was advised the other day via a local Housing Association and I was so so tempted to apply however it would have been extremely difficult/virtually impossible for my oldests to get to his comp in the morning. It was just much too far away but it was very tempting! Trying to be sensible as he will have to be able to travel in the mornings (that he’s with me) and I don’t want to make things extremely difficult for him. I’m looking everyday and applying for suitable properties in the meantime. Fingers crossed 🤞

Good luck!

RainbowStriped · 14/02/2025 10:54

Another update!

I’ve received an offer on a house! A 3 bedroom house which is close to the city centre (currently living rurally) and close to my family.

I have until Monday to let the council know if I’m going to take it.

Pros - As above - close to my family and town centre/local amenities. I would also be free and finally able to leave my husband.

Cons - the house needs a lot of work. The rooms were a decent size but there was bare plaster on the walls, it looked dirty and the property is old. I don’t think it helped that the heating wasn’t on and there was no electricity. I left feeling overwhelmed and I want to cry 😭 (I am hormonal which isn’t helping!) The garden was overgrown and large. The house felt very cold and drafty but it is freezing today! The area itself is known to be a rough area.

I have until Monday to decide. Right now I am in a lovely little new build, it’s warm, cosy, in good condition. DH and I spent thousands on Astro turf for the garden, the whole house is also perfectly adapted for my disabled son. It’s close to my oldest comp but it is rural.

I am so torn. So overwhelmed. The house needs so much work and I would have to do it all on my own, I’m not thinking clearly either due to hormones.

I don’t know now if I would be a fool to give up a lovely new build for an old, drafty council house in a rough area. I don’t know whether I should fight to keep our current house (getting DH to leave instead) I’m so confused.

Sorry for the rambling post! Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
booft · 14/02/2025 11:16

Can you see a financial advisor re this? Could women's aid or similar signpost you?
It is a big decision.

Daleksatemyshed · 14/02/2025 11:19

It may not be ideal @RainbowStriped but if you turn it down will you get another chance. If you'll drop down the housing list for refusing then I'd consider it carefully.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/02/2025 11:20

Take the house and get out.
You can do up every room in due course. You could even get some friends and family to help doing up the rooms.
There are charities that help with providing beds for kids. There are some that can provide you with furniture.
Call in to these charities and accept their help.

Don't stay with your abusive husband because he paid for astroturf or that your home is cosy. These are things that you can sort out in time. No house that the council may offer you is (as far as I'm aware) going to be in turnkey condition with everything ready for you.

My honest advice is to take the house and leave your husband.

PhilomenaPunk · 14/02/2025 11:26

RainbowStriped · 14/02/2025 10:54

Another update!

I’ve received an offer on a house! A 3 bedroom house which is close to the city centre (currently living rurally) and close to my family.

I have until Monday to let the council know if I’m going to take it.

Pros - As above - close to my family and town centre/local amenities. I would also be free and finally able to leave my husband.

Cons - the house needs a lot of work. The rooms were a decent size but there was bare plaster on the walls, it looked dirty and the property is old. I don’t think it helped that the heating wasn’t on and there was no electricity. I left feeling overwhelmed and I want to cry 😭 (I am hormonal which isn’t helping!) The garden was overgrown and large. The house felt very cold and drafty but it is freezing today! The area itself is known to be a rough area.

I have until Monday to decide. Right now I am in a lovely little new build, it’s warm, cosy, in good condition. DH and I spent thousands on Astro turf for the garden, the whole house is also perfectly adapted for my disabled son. It’s close to my oldest comp but it is rural.

I am so torn. So overwhelmed. The house needs so much work and I would have to do it all on my own, I’m not thinking clearly either due to hormones.

I don’t know now if I would be a fool to give up a lovely new build for an old, drafty council house in a rough area. I don’t know whether I should fight to keep our current house (getting DH to leave instead) I’m so confused.

Sorry for the rambling post! Thank you for reading.

You seem to be more concerned about decorating and a bit of astroturf than you do about getting your children and yourself to safety OP. Why is that?

Gemmawemma9 · 14/02/2025 11:37

You’re looking for excuses. Dirt can be cleaned. Bare plaster can be painted. Most councils offer vouchers to buy paint and wallpaper: The council will adapt the house for your son’s disabilities. You’ve downplayed your husbands behaviour throughout this thread and now you’re looking for excuses to stay.
If I were you I’d put my kids first and bite the councils hand off for this house.

Sneezeless · 14/02/2025 11:54

You shouldn't even be considering refusing the house. If you do you are a fool. As PP have said why are you focussed on decorating if things are that bad at home? Get a grip woman.

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 14/02/2025 13:13

Take the house. Don’t even think twice. Think of it as a Valentine’s Day gift! Who knows when another opportunity will arise? Your priority should be to remove yourself and your children from the current toxic environment. Every day you stay is damaging to all of you.

Witknit · 14/02/2025 13:18

I'd take it. Having been in a similar situation for years, I came to the point where I'd have preferred a tent in a field.
You really don't want toget to that stage and find that you've moved right down the housing list -as I did.
When you close your front door, it's yours. Your space and you have all your life to make it as you want it.
At the moment it's a cold shabby house. You are the person who will make it a warm and lovely home.
Good luck with your new start

Nationsss · 14/02/2025 13:47

Tell you family and friends and ask for help.

Take the house.
Be safe.
Get away from him.

Codlingmoths · 14/02/2025 13:47

TAKE THE HOUSE!!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/02/2025 13:52

Ring the council right away and ask how they can adapt it for your son.
What do your family think?
Could you stay with them whilst the heating etc is sorted out?
Would they help you with moving?
This sounds like an opportunity for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2025 16:13

@RainbowStriped

Take the house. Houses can be painted, furnishings can be replaced. But even 'as is' it will be a happy and calm home from the start. Your current home could be Buck Palace but it is not now and never will be a happy or a calm home. And just because you take this house now, that doesn't mean it's your forever home. But it's a secure and affordable roof over your and your DC's heads whilst you catch your breath and rebuild your life. Once you do that, you can start looking around if you still want to.

I know you're scared, and that's most likely what's driving your decision-making process. But sometimes we just have to take that leap of faith. And in the end we are usually so glad we did.

Semiramide · 14/02/2025 16:20

Take the house.

For all the reasons stated by PPs.

The area may seem rough because it is unfamiliar and because it is so different from where you are now, but it is unlikely to be as bad as you fear. Been there, done that.

And you and your children will be SAFE. That's the main thing, surely.

FriendsDrinkBook · 14/02/2025 16:59

That's great news op. Please take the house. I get that it's overwhelming , but this is your fresh start.

I moved from a 'nice' area to somewhere considered a little rough in order to remove me and my kids from exh. I've never regretted it. I'm still here 15 years later.

Heronwatcher · 14/02/2025 17:36

Take the house. You’ve heard of a guilded cage yea? I’d rather have a calm peaceful house that needs a bit of work than live with an utter arsehole like your DH, as I am sure would your kids.

Plus everything you’ve described sounds manageable apart from the area, and you don’t have to live there forever.

RainbowStriped · 14/02/2025 21:36

Thank you everyone. I just wish I wasn’t so scared. I know I’m lucky to be offered a council house (so quickly too) but I now feel deep sadness that I’m going to have to leave my home. I’ve been crying on and off tonight. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 😢

OP posts:
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