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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
SparklesGlitter · 10/02/2025 09:03

RainbowStriped · 10/02/2025 09:01

His behaviour is definitely wearing me down.

Do whatever you need to to take care of yourself ❤️

RainbowStriped · 10/02/2025 09:27

Quick update. I’m working my way through all the replies.
I had a long discussion with him and I called him out on his terrible behaviour. I told him how he had behaved like a dick for the entire day, how ungrateful he was, how much I had done for him and how lucky and blessed he was that he has people that care about him in his life and that make a big effort for him. I told him how his behaviour was so awful that it was making me feel ill. That I was close to not going to his birthday meal as he behaved so terribly. How dare he etc.

He admitted he behaved like a dick.

He didn’t like being called ungrateful and said that the children and I were making fun of him and laughing at him.

He admitted that he has huge issues surrounding the day itself. I suggested counselling (I’m attending free counselling due to having a disabled child and I offered to put his name down. He said “we’ll see”

He said he’s probably best off working on the day.

He said he felt like the day went well (!!) but now after all I said he feels like the day was a disaster.

He said about the clothing that he genuinely couldn’t wear them as they felt weird (sensory issues) which is fine but it was the way he went about it.

He admitted that the way he thinks in his mind isn’t “normal” I mentioned bipolar again but he said he doesn’t plan on following up a diagnosis. He also said I would probably use his diagnosis against him. I wouldn’t.

I believe he has probably got some sort of personality disorder. I don’t think his behaviour is normal and I’m pretty sure he is a narcissist (I know that term is thrown around a lot on here) or BPD. This behaviour isn’t just related to his birthday but he’s not horrific every day of the year either. Things can be calm for a few months but then when he kicks off his behaviour is absolutely terrible.

Calling him out (I’ve called him out many times before) just made me feel depleted. It’s truly exhausting having to constantly do that. I’m not a confrontational person (husband would disagree, I don’t let him get away with anything according to him!) But I just felt exhausted and depressed afterwards. It’s weird as in the lead up to the day he was excited, we talked about our plans and he seemed so happy, he was looking forward to the day. I promise I wasn’t forcing him to celebrate as a few replies have suggested. There is also no way I couldn’t not get him any gifts or celebrate, he expects a fuss! I also love birthdays and couldn’t just ignore it. It’s exhausting.

OP posts:
Pippyls67 · 10/02/2025 09:30

That’s a great update Op. What a relief. I’m pleased you got through to him. We’ll done you.

FriendsDrinkBook · 10/02/2025 09:31

You're doing your best op. You can lead a horse to water etc.

Please try to keep your energy up and look forward. There is a way out of this.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/02/2025 09:36

RainbowStriped · 10/02/2025 09:27

Quick update. I’m working my way through all the replies.
I had a long discussion with him and I called him out on his terrible behaviour. I told him how he had behaved like a dick for the entire day, how ungrateful he was, how much I had done for him and how lucky and blessed he was that he has people that care about him in his life and that make a big effort for him. I told him how his behaviour was so awful that it was making me feel ill. That I was close to not going to his birthday meal as he behaved so terribly. How dare he etc.

He admitted he behaved like a dick.

He didn’t like being called ungrateful and said that the children and I were making fun of him and laughing at him.

He admitted that he has huge issues surrounding the day itself. I suggested counselling (I’m attending free counselling due to having a disabled child and I offered to put his name down. He said “we’ll see”

He said he’s probably best off working on the day.

He said he felt like the day went well (!!) but now after all I said he feels like the day was a disaster.

He said about the clothing that he genuinely couldn’t wear them as they felt weird (sensory issues) which is fine but it was the way he went about it.

He admitted that the way he thinks in his mind isn’t “normal” I mentioned bipolar again but he said he doesn’t plan on following up a diagnosis. He also said I would probably use his diagnosis against him. I wouldn’t.

I believe he has probably got some sort of personality disorder. I don’t think his behaviour is normal and I’m pretty sure he is a narcissist (I know that term is thrown around a lot on here) or BPD. This behaviour isn’t just related to his birthday but he’s not horrific every day of the year either. Things can be calm for a few months but then when he kicks off his behaviour is absolutely terrible.

Calling him out (I’ve called him out many times before) just made me feel depleted. It’s truly exhausting having to constantly do that. I’m not a confrontational person (husband would disagree, I don’t let him get away with anything according to him!) But I just felt exhausted and depressed afterwards. It’s weird as in the lead up to the day he was excited, we talked about our plans and he seemed so happy, he was looking forward to the day. I promise I wasn’t forcing him to celebrate as a few replies have suggested. There is also no way I couldn’t not get him any gifts or celebrate, he expects a fuss! I also love birthdays and couldn’t just ignore it. It’s exhausting.

He deserved to be laughed at and made fun of.

Stop trying, op. It's like throwing stones into a yawning chasm of emptiness.

You will never make him or it alright. It is not your job nor is it your dcs to make things ok.

If you don't leave him, next birthday a card and cake and NOTHING more. And if he kicks off, walk away. Always walk away.

People like this get oxygen from attention for their awful behaviour.

Mental healthy. Whatever. It's up to him to sort it out. As you said, he's very fortunate to have caring people in his life. But you are not his whipping boy.

Imbusytodaysorry · 10/02/2025 10:17

RainbowStriped · 10/02/2025 09:27

Quick update. I’m working my way through all the replies.
I had a long discussion with him and I called him out on his terrible behaviour. I told him how he had behaved like a dick for the entire day, how ungrateful he was, how much I had done for him and how lucky and blessed he was that he has people that care about him in his life and that make a big effort for him. I told him how his behaviour was so awful that it was making me feel ill. That I was close to not going to his birthday meal as he behaved so terribly. How dare he etc.

He admitted he behaved like a dick.

He didn’t like being called ungrateful and said that the children and I were making fun of him and laughing at him.

He admitted that he has huge issues surrounding the day itself. I suggested counselling (I’m attending free counselling due to having a disabled child and I offered to put his name down. He said “we’ll see”

He said he’s probably best off working on the day.

He said he felt like the day went well (!!) but now after all I said he feels like the day was a disaster.

He said about the clothing that he genuinely couldn’t wear them as they felt weird (sensory issues) which is fine but it was the way he went about it.

He admitted that the way he thinks in his mind isn’t “normal” I mentioned bipolar again but he said he doesn’t plan on following up a diagnosis. He also said I would probably use his diagnosis against him. I wouldn’t.

I believe he has probably got some sort of personality disorder. I don’t think his behaviour is normal and I’m pretty sure he is a narcissist (I know that term is thrown around a lot on here) or BPD. This behaviour isn’t just related to his birthday but he’s not horrific every day of the year either. Things can be calm for a few months but then when he kicks off his behaviour is absolutely terrible.

Calling him out (I’ve called him out many times before) just made me feel depleted. It’s truly exhausting having to constantly do that. I’m not a confrontational person (husband would disagree, I don’t let him get away with anything according to him!) But I just felt exhausted and depressed afterwards. It’s weird as in the lead up to the day he was excited, we talked about our plans and he seemed so happy, he was looking forward to the day. I promise I wasn’t forcing him to celebrate as a few replies have suggested. There is also no way I couldn’t not get him any gifts or celebrate, he expects a fuss! I also love birthdays and couldn’t just ignore it. It’s exhausting.

What he expects and gets are two different things.
Honestly OP just reading your update you can hear what sounds like a “making excuses reply”
Yes some people use the word narcassist more than they should. Others have lived and been on the receiving end of one and know the behaviours. .
Narcissists rarely change . If so many many years in therapy. .

You dh is full of shit .
He doesn’t have bi polar he’s just nasty .
Turns it on and off to suit , to get his own way in life. .

Make sure you stick to your leaving plan .
Why wouldn’t you !!

Lobelia123 · 10/02/2025 12:08

He has some issues around his birthday and seems to have wildly unrealistic expectations around the day and place unreasonably onerous inferences on how he is loved and valued around the day. This is really above Mumsnets pay grade, he needs some professional insight here. The only way to deal with this is to engage him on his own level. That means asking him, two days or close before the date, what he wants. repeat it back to him so there are no mistakes or misunderstandings. And then GIVE HIM EXACTLY WHAT HE ASKED FOR - to the letter. And if he throws a strop, remind him this is what he wanted. And then he can go f--- himself or get the help he needs because this is not normal and its not fair to you. When the kids are losing patience and calling him out on his behaviour, you know its bad.

FriendsDrinkBook · 10/02/2025 12:11

@Lobelia123 I think a birthday card from the card factory and a single angel slice with a tiny candle is more effort than this twunt deserves.

HowToSaveAWife · 10/02/2025 12:43

Undiagnosed ND long term can result in personality disorders FYI. It's the trauma of adjusting to a world not designed for the ND brain, covering it, masking, compensating, and then dealing with things like rejection sensitivity, pathological demand avoidance etc etc.

This was almost me, and it definitely applies to a few family members of mine.

I hope either you leave him or he gets help. One way or another it has to be sorted.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 10/02/2025 16:13

Your offer of counselling and he says "We'll see". He obviously CBA. 🙄😔

Brutalass · 10/02/2025 17:44

Well you picked yourself a right charmer there! It'd be the first and the last birthday I'd be spending with the entitled cunt!

I could think of ways of you making it a birthday he wouldn't forget in a hurry!!!

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 10/02/2025 18:24

@RainbowStriped May I ask how you've got free counselling on account of having a disabled child? I have a disabled dd and could really use some counselling!

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 18:54

Following your update… are you still planning on leaving as soon as a council house becomes available?

2025willbemytime · 10/02/2025 19:21

Pippyls67 · 10/02/2025 09:30

That’s a great update Op. What a relief. I’m pleased you got through to him. We’ll done you.

Edited

On what scale is to a great update? There's no real understanding or plan there.

gyalgyal · 10/02/2025 19:26

GreenTeaLikesMe · 06/02/2025 09:26

I don’t understand how this post is even possible. Surely it’s illegal to be married to a 5yo?

this is hilarious 😭

Goodtogossip · 11/02/2025 11:45

What an absolute TOOL he is! Ask him what he expected you to have done as it sounds like everything you did wasn't good enough. He sounds like a spoilt, entitled child acting up coz he thought he deserved more. For his next Birthday ask him to organise things himself so he's not disappointed & let him know you can't deal with his tantrums anymore.

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 11/02/2025 11:59

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 10/02/2025 18:24

@RainbowStriped May I ask how you've got free counselling on account of having a disabled child? I have a disabled dd and could really use some counselling!

Your local carers club should be able to point you in the right direction.......ours does therapy sessions, even free massage therapy and allsorts. Can also fund short breaks and driving lessons.

RainbowStriped · 11/02/2025 12:03

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 11/02/2025 11:59

Your local carers club should be able to point you in the right direction.......ours does therapy sessions, even free massage therapy and allsorts. Can also fund short breaks and driving lessons.

Sorry, I meant to reply to your question. The free counselling is through my local carers association. They provide help and advice, short respite breaks, training and even small grants for carers. They can also help you get a carers assessment if needed.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/02/2025 12:20

Your update sounds fairly positive, @RainbowStriped - at least your dh listened and accepted responsibility for what he had done. The next step is for him to admit he needs to seek professional help, so it doesn't happen again - hopefully as the dust settles, he may come to that realisation himself, or at least be open to you telling him so. I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to say that is an absolute must for you, if he wants to salvage the relationship.

But I do understand how exhausting it has been for you, and how hard that conversation was, so I can appreciate you not wanting to have any more such talks.

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 11/02/2025 14:07

I don’t think your update is positive TBH. If the issue were simply that your husband behaved badly on his birthday in the context of an otherwise healthy relationship, then his response to your discussion might be a step in the right direction. But that isn’t what’s going on here. The birthday behaviour is just a distraction. The real problem is his ongoing abuse. It’s unsurprising that you say he can behave decently for months at a time. Most abusers can. But they will always revert to abuse and your husband is no exception. He isn’t even prepared to investigate help and support for his mental health. He won’t change.

I don’t understand why you are interacting with him on this level, given your plans to leave as soon as you can. So what if he expects a big to do on his birthday? And why are you telling him how much you care about him? This relationship is not salvageable IMO, based on all you have said in other threads. It’s in your best interests to disengage at this point. Protect yourself emotionally as you make plans to leave. Otherwise you’ll continue to be caught up in this exhausting cycle.

MsPavlichenko · 11/02/2025 14:09

RainbowStriped · 10/02/2025 09:27

Quick update. I’m working my way through all the replies.
I had a long discussion with him and I called him out on his terrible behaviour. I told him how he had behaved like a dick for the entire day, how ungrateful he was, how much I had done for him and how lucky and blessed he was that he has people that care about him in his life and that make a big effort for him. I told him how his behaviour was so awful that it was making me feel ill. That I was close to not going to his birthday meal as he behaved so terribly. How dare he etc.

He admitted he behaved like a dick.

He didn’t like being called ungrateful and said that the children and I were making fun of him and laughing at him.

He admitted that he has huge issues surrounding the day itself. I suggested counselling (I’m attending free counselling due to having a disabled child and I offered to put his name down. He said “we’ll see”

He said he’s probably best off working on the day.

He said he felt like the day went well (!!) but now after all I said he feels like the day was a disaster.

He said about the clothing that he genuinely couldn’t wear them as they felt weird (sensory issues) which is fine but it was the way he went about it.

He admitted that the way he thinks in his mind isn’t “normal” I mentioned bipolar again but he said he doesn’t plan on following up a diagnosis. He also said I would probably use his diagnosis against him. I wouldn’t.

I believe he has probably got some sort of personality disorder. I don’t think his behaviour is normal and I’m pretty sure he is a narcissist (I know that term is thrown around a lot on here) or BPD. This behaviour isn’t just related to his birthday but he’s not horrific every day of the year either. Things can be calm for a few months but then when he kicks off his behaviour is absolutely terrible.

Calling him out (I’ve called him out many times before) just made me feel depleted. It’s truly exhausting having to constantly do that. I’m not a confrontational person (husband would disagree, I don’t let him get away with anything according to him!) But I just felt exhausted and depressed afterwards. It’s weird as in the lead up to the day he was excited, we talked about our plans and he seemed so happy, he was looking forward to the day. I promise I wasn’t forcing him to celebrate as a few replies have suggested. There is also no way I couldn’t not get him any gifts or celebrate, he expects a fuss! I also love birthdays and couldn’t just ignore it. It’s exhausting.

You’re doing it again. Focusing on the symptoms not the cure. He is a vile abuser, every day you stay damages your DC, and you more.

I know how difficult it is to go. I have a severely disabled DC too, so I also understand that. I can understand you waiting whilst you put a plan in place, I don’t understand you talking to him , then reporting it all back as if it is solving the problem. He won’t change regardless of what he says, you’ve been there before. Stop trying to kid yourself. The hours you wasted chatting to him you could have spent contacting councillors/ your MP asking for help with housing.

Saggyknickers · 11/02/2025 14:17

Pippyls67 · 10/02/2025 09:30

That’s a great update Op. What a relief. I’m pleased you got through to him. We’ll done you.

Edited

How is that a good update?

Is this the same man who threatened to put his disabled child into care? That same nasty abuser who kicks off over whatever he fancies and has the OP running round in circles trying to live up to his narcissistic tendencies and making herself ill? And then tantrums and ruins everyone's day when things obviously don't live up to his unrealistic demands?

OP - I think you are still in this man's thrall and seem very scared to leave him. But honestly, all you've done by confronting him is make him wind his neck in for a while. Until the next thing. And on it goes. Abusers aren't just horrible 100% of the time, they reel you back in when they've gone too far by being nice for a bit. It's like when a man who hits his wife then buys her a bunch of flowers....so you think "oh, he's not all bad...maybe he'll change now."

He won't change.

Saggyknickers · 11/02/2025 14:30

Your update sounds fairly positive, - at least your dh listened and accepted responsibility for what he had done

It sounds to me like he did a whole lot of deflection and blame shifting:

He didn’t like being called ungrateful and said that the children and I were making fun of him and laughing at him.

So he only acted that way bc the op and the dc's forced him to be horrible by being big fat meanies.

He said about the clothing that he genuinely couldn’t wear them as they felt weird (sensory issues)

Again, so not his fault the clothes weren't right - if they'd been right he wouldn't have kicked off so it's the OP's fault.*

He admitted that the way he thinks in his mind isn’t “normal”

So it's not his fault - it's the fault of there being something wrong with his brain.

I mentioned bipolar again but he said he doesn’t plan on following up a diagnosis. He also said I would probably use his diagnosis against him. I wouldn’t.

So even though he admits his mind isn't normal he won't do anything about it as the op will use it as a stick to beat him with, according to him. So that's great.

He said he felt like the day went well (!!) but now after all I said he feels like the day was a disaster.

Gaslighting and guilt tripping - so he's now lying and saying he thought the day went well (how could he conceivably think that?) and the op has now made him feel bad and that it was actually a disaster by airing her grievances.

I don't see this as a man owning his issues.

Nationsss · 11/02/2025 14:34

OP, he's a really awful person.
You carry duch a huge load.
Time to divorce.
He will never change.

Panseypotter · 11/02/2025 15:14

Leave him, mean it, do it.

No excuses.
Banner for next year 'F Off loser'
You have children and it's up to you to put an end to this cycle of abuse.
Good luck