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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
FriendsDrinkBook · 08/02/2025 10:38

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes indeed.

I hate my birthday due to some childhood stuff , but rather than make the lives of my family difficult around that time I simply ask for a takeaway and a cake at home on the day. It works pretty well when you communicate your feelings to those around you!

thescandalwascontained · 08/02/2025 10:44

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:00

Right now I am stuck unfortunately. I have no where to go. It could well be another year until I’m able to leave for good. If I had somewhere to go I would leave much sooner.

Yikes! Way to bury the lede, OP!

Your original post made it sound like your DP had 'trauma' about days meant to be about 'him' and he now 'deals' with them by deliberately ruining them in advance himself (via really shitty behaviour) and then blaming everyone else. LIke an oversized toddler. And that everything else was fine. Which is why I suggested you tell him he gets therapy to address his issues or no more celebrating days about him.

But it sounds like he's abusive generally, really abusive, which is the real issue here. You are staying in a home with an abusive partner, and making your children stay there, too.

That is what you need to be focused on. Getting out safely.

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2025 10:50

This is one of those threads where posters REALLY NEED TO READ THE OP'S POSTS

Just sayin'...

FriendsDrinkBook · 08/02/2025 10:59

@Nanny0gg right? The op's husband doesn't need a hug and some help dealing with his birthday trauma. He needs a kick up the arse for making the lives of his wife and kids miserable.

Changedforadvice · 08/02/2025 11:40

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

He sounds like he has a lot of issues to resolve, and until he does he will continue to revert to this behaviour on special occasions.

Is he aware of the issues? Is he aware he can control his own behaviour even despite them? If he needs help to understand that he'd be able to find it. Unless willing to 'do the work' as the Americans say, its unlikely to change.

So then it's up to you to decide how to approach birthdays with (or without) your DH.

Honeyroar · 08/02/2025 12:36

I had a party when I was ten. I had a tantrum about something. My mum bundled all my presents into a bin bag, apologised to my guests and sent them home. Then sent me to my room with a “if you don’t apologise to each and every person you will never be having a party ever again”. I think your husband deserved similar treatment!

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 08/02/2025 14:09

eremition · 08/02/2025 08:47

Why are you quoting OP’s long thread!? We’ve all read it.
@MusicMakesItAllBetter @Sally20099

Because I wanted to....

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 08/02/2025 14:13

Why, why, why do so many people read the first post of a long thread without bothering to read the OP’s follow up posts? 🤦‍♀️

This man is extremely abusive and the OP is trying to leave. The birthday nonsense is just the tip of the iceberg. People would know that if they bothered to read the full thread.

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:41

GreenTeaLikesMe · 06/02/2025 09:26

I don’t understand how this post is even possible. Surely it’s illegal to be married to a 5yo?

This is as exactly my reaction - he sounds like a child.

Gherkinslice · 08/02/2025 15:13

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

Maybe ask him if he thinks he behaved really awfully, and when (as I suspect he will say), he did nothing wrong - show him this post and all of our replies. Seriously though, if this is fairly normal for him, or will now become his normal, I'd be telling him I won't be putting up with him any longer, how much happier you would all be without him! Miserable, entitled git!

FriendsDrinkBook · 08/02/2025 15:52

Can people stop telling the op to show h the thread. She's trying to safely extricate herself and her children from a volatile man that shits his pants over a birthday banner. It could put her plans to leave in jeopardy if he knows she's posted about him.

berightorbehappy · 08/02/2025 15:53

Is s a one-off “birthday problem” or this this indicative of his general attitude ? If the kids are even saying he’s ungrateful then he should be ashamed . Maybe when the dust has settled you can point out that and extra bratty child is NOT who you intend to spend the rest of your life with .

AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2025 17:06

FriendsDrinkBook · 08/02/2025 15:52

Can people stop telling the op to show h the thread. She's trying to safely extricate herself and her children from a volatile man that shits his pants over a birthday banner. It could put her plans to leave in jeopardy if he knows she's posted about him.

Agree wholeheartedly!

People saying this should understand that this is OP's 'safe place' where she can unload, get opinions, and discuss 'next moves'.

Telling her to show her thread to her DH is akin to telling her to invite him in to a group therapy session she attends. It would not only take away her 'safe place' it would give him foreknowledge of plans to leave and how to do it and ammo for further abuse.

It's one thing to say 'show the thread' if the issue is that your non-abusive DH wants to paint your house his 'team colours (which happen to be bright purple and neon green) and you want him to see that 99.99% say "Oh God NO". Quite another to show it to someone who will weaponize it and/or use it to justify violence.

NosyJosie · 08/02/2025 17:45

I read all the posts. Textbook narcissist behaviour and I wish you the best of luck with your leaving plan.

Pingu32 · 08/02/2025 23:34

In fairness, I think you should have made more effort for a 6th birthday - poor child 🙈

Pippyls67 · 08/02/2025 23:43

Put a clean nappy on him and sit down in front of the Teletubbies.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 09/02/2025 15:43

Literally next year I would do absolutely fuck all. Then, when he moaned I would say ‘well when I do do anything it isn’t good enough, last year you told me I had organised nothing so I thought this year I’d show you what organising nothing looked like so that you could truly appreciate the effort I went to before!’.

Trauma is absolutely no excuse and, if he still has this reaction to trauma he needs a bloody therapist!

My DH had an alcoholic mother, he’s not a huge fan of birthdays but is grateful when I organise anything. He prefers to have it celebrated as his sons birthday though which is the day before.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/02/2025 15:48

I lost it at him expecting a banner on the front door 🤣

eremition · 09/02/2025 18:49

@RainbowStriped Ignore the nappy and teletubbies posters.

How are you?

Zanina · 09/02/2025 22:08

Hi OP, I have someone in my life that behaves in a similar way except her behaviour isn't under a spotlight because she picks her moments so as to not blow her cover. Long story short, what I see similar is that your partner is a narcissistic man child. He is jealous of the children and the attention you give them. He gives a you a good birthday so that he doesn't look bad, but when it's your turn to treat him, he knows you're perfect and will do everything right, but he has to try and make you look bad, especially in front of his family. You need to obeserve how he feels about you getting along with his family because i bet he doesnt like that they like you. It's confusing because essentially it translates that he doesn't know what he wants. Now anyone who causes drama and confusion needs to be avoided. So in terms of appeasement, I would say find a way to make him extra busy. Because if you become avoiding he will pick on you. But if he has more commitments he would be away from you. Personally I'd give him the biggest fucking dig on his next birthday about how "nothing has been arranged" looks. However I would encourage him to go on a solo holiday over his birthday (for like 4 days and make him pay for it himself if you can) and get the fucker out of the house for that time. Start now, start planting the seed of solo travel and how he might love it etc and see if he takes the bait. And be careful how you do it. Like if he is jealous of you, say you want to solo travel and see if he tries to beat you to it. If not holiday, see if he will go out with his mates or brother whoever. Just anywhere but near you and your precious kids. If need be, create a family emergency on your side of the family and just get out leaving him behind.

In the meantime I'd either slash his fucking tyres or on a less meaner scale, i would make myself useless (to him) to be an inconvenience, or I'd demand that he takes me Shopping and spend the same amount on what you spent on everything for his birthday. Or just keep complaining that you're out of money because spent all of it on him. He is messing with your head, I'd do it back to him for good measure because one day when you look back on everything, you will feel anger at yourself for not seeing it sooner / not responding, but the reality is we don't know it's happening until we are out on the other end.

Wish you all the best with finding accommodation.

Concernedcheeselover · 09/02/2025 23:06

This was painful to read. I have no words. Why are you with him?

SparklesGlitter · 10/02/2025 01:54

sounds like he’s a narcissistic abuser. Be very careful OP. Lots of screaming red flags here. Especially how he changed at the end of the night. If this is regular behaviour he’ll have to on high alert and wear you down

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 10/02/2025 02:24

Wow.

My DH is no longer with us, I have no friends (bereavement does that when your friends aren't great to begin with) and my one DC is only 9! So I spent my 40th birthday doing laundry.....

No cake. No presents. No drinks, no anything. I honestly don't care, because I'm an adult.

I cannot believe what I've just read. Also, a banner on the f'ing door?! Is he 4?

RainbowStriped · 10/02/2025 09:01

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 10/02/2025 02:24

Wow.

My DH is no longer with us, I have no friends (bereavement does that when your friends aren't great to begin with) and my one DC is only 9! So I spent my 40th birthday doing laundry.....

No cake. No presents. No drinks, no anything. I honestly don't care, because I'm an adult.

I cannot believe what I've just read. Also, a banner on the f'ing door?! Is he 4?

I’m sorry for your loss 💕

OP posts:
RainbowStriped · 10/02/2025 09:01

SparklesGlitter · 10/02/2025 01:54

sounds like he’s a narcissistic abuser. Be very careful OP. Lots of screaming red flags here. Especially how he changed at the end of the night. If this is regular behaviour he’ll have to on high alert and wear you down

His behaviour is definitely wearing me down.

OP posts:
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