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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Haaaaaaan · 07/02/2025 23:53

Berlinlover · 06/02/2025 09:35

I find it hard to believe this is real, although I know from reading Mumsnet that adult birthdays are a much bigger deal in the UK than they are here in Ireland. If it is real your husband sounds like a fruitcake.

@Berlinlover no it seems to just be a thing on the internet I think.... I live in the UK and honestly if someone said they were doing a BANNER for a birthday I would assume the person was under 10, or a nice round impressive 100! I can't remember what I've done on my birthday in recent years...generally my husband and I try to mark birthdays in some way. Like, I dunno, saying happy birthday in the morning. Getting a card if you remember. Maybe going out for dinner or opening a bottle of wine and watching a film after work instead of doing anything sensible!
I think a present (possibly something sad and prearranged like a new pair of trainers 🤣), a card and making sure it's not beans on toast for dinner is normal.

ClairDeLaLune · 08/02/2025 00:02

What a massive man-baby. Return all his presents and buy him a dummy and a rattle. How can you bear to put up with him?

NavyBee · 08/02/2025 00:02

Yes that was awful behaviour but if this is something that happens every time I think he needs therapy. It sounds like his birthday triggers a heap of feelings and reactions that are nothing to do with you and probably everything to do with his relationships and experiences with his parents. And no matter how much you do that’s not going to change. It’s probably not something he can change without some help either. That’s the conversation you should be having with him.

Ger1atricMillennial · 08/02/2025 00:03

Hi OP. My Dad was always a twat around his birthday, and then we didn't celebrate it liked he said, and he hated that even more.

Now you have told him he is a twat you can tell him to a) be grumpy on his own b) get some help for not taking it out on you.

andthat · 08/02/2025 00:08

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:03

But there is no support or advice anyone can offer if you choose to stay. You know that right?

Everyone is saying (on this and all your previous posts) that you need to get out. You have contacted Womens Aid. You know you are being abused. And your children are too.

What else can we say?!?!

She knows that ffs.

Who are you to police what she posts??

She’s told you she has a plan but can’t leave now.

Sometimes making light of things is a way of coping. This is her life, her thread and doesn’t need any judgement from you because she hasn’t been able to leave yet.

Have some bloody empathy!

CustardySergeant · 08/02/2025 00:15

Good grief. This is one of the most ludicrous things I've ever read. I'm perfectly happy with just a card on my birthday, not wanting or expecting anything more. I know some people make a lot more of an occasion about birthdays, but you went above and beyond for your husband and he still wasn't happy. Un-sodding-believable!

HevenlyMeS · 08/02/2025 00:36

If he's attempting to make her react he's still so out of order 😥If,,, by the slightest chance he would wish to make her angry then he should be honest & explain what his problem is
She absolutely doesn't deserve this treatment 😥He seems to be acting similarly to how a coercive narcissistic person might behave... At the least he seems extremely spoiled 🙏

lemmein · 08/02/2025 00:46

People asking if he's 5....I've never known a child to act like that on their birthday. My DGS just had his 7th birthday and despite having ASD and frequent meltdowns he was impeccably behaved on the day. He took time to welcome all his little friends to his party, made sure he involved them all - handed out the party bags and thanked each of them for coming.

Kids generally don't behave like arseholes on their birthday - you made far too much effort to placate him OP, I would've told him to get fucked over the breakfast drama!

Cutterbups · 08/02/2025 00:55

You sound like such a lovely,caring person OP.

I’m sorry your husband is so awful. If you’re still with him next year I suggest you do absolutely nothing for his birthday,there’s no point!

Hoping you will be housed asap and can divorce this horrible man.

Ghostgothemma · 08/02/2025 01:50

Honestly, wow just wow.

I would be sitting this man child down and telling him straight that he's acting like a self entitled, spoilt brat. He embarrassed not only yourself but your kids and family, he's also embarrassed himself with his childishness.

Tell him that he needs therapy or he can go stay elsewhere because you have enough children to deal with.

Any body who acts like that on their birthday deserves to sit at home alone. Seriously he needs to pull his head out of his arse because that's immature behaviour.

He needs therapy though and so do you because he's driving you crazy.

SunnyCoralDreamer · 08/02/2025 02:54

How can you live with such an awful man-child? Get out now. What's the point in living with such a pathetic excuse for a man who's supposed to love you?

Sally20099 · 08/02/2025 06:23

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

Hi OP, is this a recent change in behaviour or a sudden outburst on the day? I wonder if the birthday is close to a milestone age and he is depressed about the whole thing. If he always acts like this then I agree with he other posts but if it’s recent or limited to the day itself I think he needs someone to talk to or some additional support as he doesn’t sound in a good place.

Familysquabbles23 · 08/02/2025 07:25

Hi.
Yes isn't that all a bit rubbish. If it was a new thing, I'd say he's either very worried about something or he's having an affair.

As it's ongoing, maybe he's just a diva in disguise.

You'll see some of my posts about the awful ways I've been spoken to my DH lately but as he's being investigated now for a serious brain condition I'm a bit less hurt by it.

If you decide to stay, try thinking, it's not me it's not him, it's his brain fart, I find it helps me carry on when I'm tearing my hair out. Ok he may not have a life threatening condition but he clearly has issues and while you're there it'd be nicer for you to be able to power past his grumpy unreasonableness.

Leaving is a great plan, but short term can be very crappy

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 08/02/2025 08:02

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

He needs therapy to help him get over daddy issues.
He was out of order with how he treated you and what is he teaching the kids????

eremition · 08/02/2025 08:47

Why are you quoting OP’s long thread!? We’ve all read it.
@MusicMakesItAllBetter @Sally20099

BlueFlowers5 · 08/02/2025 09:10

Suggest therapy to him about his dad.
This might not get better unless you set a firm boundary such as;

Have a tantrum when out with family and our children again and I never take you out again.

GrannyHelen1 · 08/02/2025 09:12

You are amazingly patient. By the middle of the day I would have cancelled ALL the other arrangements, including the cake etc, and gone out to have a nice time by myself. I'm in awe.

anon666 · 08/02/2025 09:25

This is not intended to make excuses for him, because he has behaved like an absolute knob. And no matter what the cause, he needs to know how his behaviour went down with others, how it made you feel, and apologise.

But is he neurodiverse? The reason I ask is I was a bit like this as a kid on my birthday. Maybe 10% of this bad. It can be linked to autism, the lack of cognitive empathy and understanding that other people's feelings can be hurt by these tantrums.

There can be a feeling of huge alienation and discomfort around birthdays. I usually hated my burthday because I couldn't cope with the emotional regulation of expectations versus reality. And his expectations of what a birthday "is" sound a lot like that. Like he's on an adrenaline-fuelled roller coaster of discomfort.

This insight might be useful to you both if he's otherwise a lovely man and kind.

If he's just an arsehole, LTB obviously.

Sinthie · 08/02/2025 09:28

I’d be appalled if a 6 year old behaved like this, let alone a grown man.

Maninpeace · 08/02/2025 09:33

Pathetic. He sounds like a wanker.

anon666 · 08/02/2025 09:36

Oh no, OP, I've now RTFT, and seen this is a pattern of behaviour from an abusive narcissist.

Even if he was neurodiverse, that's not an excuse for bad behaviour. It was just you mentioning that it was just birthdays.

This guy is an arsehole, and I hope coming here abd seeing the comments reinforced your plan to get away as quickly as you can.

😭

Noononoo · 08/02/2025 10:18

I know it’s hard to feel sympathy for someone who is acting so badly but I think he has birthday phobia and is very distressed. He needs therapy but unlikely he will go for any. What can you do? Just tell him there will be no birthday next year. The pressure will be off. He can’t cope. I think the clue was when you said he wanted a cuddle at the end of the evening.. it was because it would soon be over.
i used to have those feelings but i never acted them out. I remember one of my best birthdays was going on a college trip and telling no one it was my birthday it was such a relief. I don’t know where it came from. I don’t think it is as rare as people think. But of course to act it out when you have children is extreme. He does need help. Are you able to talk to him about it when it isn’t his birthday?

NorthSouthLondon · 08/02/2025 10:21

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:33

He treats me well on my own birthday but there’s a pattern of him behaving badly around his own birthday.

Your DH has quite obviously mental issues, which for some reason emerge close to his birthday.
Whether you want and can help with that, suuggesting therapy and offering talking with him about it, whether he is open to that, really depends on you two and the type of relationship you have.

I don't think it's fair and useful for you to live certain periods like that.
However, I don't think it is fair and useful to think that it is personality think and he plans all that nonsense. From your description he does not, it's like asking someone with an inexplicable panick attack why they are acting as an arse.

They are not in control. Chances are a part of your DH mind is telling him that he is worth nothing and does not even deserve a birthday, and another part of his mind is reacting to that in a very paranoid and irrational manner.

This often comes from childhood trauma. Presumably, it is nothing of your doing, and it is very understandable that you resent this being done to you.
But it is well possible that he was done or made to feel just as awful or worst at an age when he was vulnerable, had no agency, could only take it and wonder why. This things can can shape us and carry on in adult life.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 08/02/2025 10:21

Noononoo · 08/02/2025 10:18

I know it’s hard to feel sympathy for someone who is acting so badly but I think he has birthday phobia and is very distressed. He needs therapy but unlikely he will go for any. What can you do? Just tell him there will be no birthday next year. The pressure will be off. He can’t cope. I think the clue was when you said he wanted a cuddle at the end of the evening.. it was because it would soon be over.
i used to have those feelings but i never acted them out. I remember one of my best birthdays was going on a college trip and telling no one it was my birthday it was such a relief. I don’t know where it came from. I don’t think it is as rare as people think. But of course to act it out when you have children is extreme. He does need help. Are you able to talk to him about it when it isn’t his birthday?

This is an utterly ludicrous post. Sorry.

The man acts like a total and utter dick all day.

Then wants a cuddle because he wants validation he can get away with his behaviour.

Stop enabling the tossers.

Stop trying to be so understanding of horrendous behaviour.

Get rid. Unburden yourself, op.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 08/02/2025 10:22

We really really need to stamp on this shitty behaviour from all men.