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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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8
Coloursingreydays · 07/02/2025 21:21

Wtf . Why are you allowing this? Low self esteem?
He sounds like a chav twat. A banter on the door? What's this obsession with cards? I never buy for my husband unless it's a big anniversary and when I get one straight to the bin. Either he has another woman who is actually making him happy and you are just annoying at this point or he is mentally stupid like very stupid or a huge narcissist. What a disgusting man. I bet you have been doing all his presents & stuff for years. My husband is lucky if he gets sex and I can organize a trip or so later on. A bloody cake lolololol woman get the fuck out of that relationship!

Blueyedgirl38 · 07/02/2025 21:30

Or better still her and the kids get away from him and live in separate houses and he can be miserable on his own and nasty to himself how dare he I wouldn't tolerate it I wouldn't from the get go it's not how to treat a partner
Terrible
I have no kids no partner and appreciate even a card of my family and friends

Blueyedgirl38 · 07/02/2025 21:35

Besides the point you don't treat a partner or another human like crap like how he did absolutely no no no excuses !!! Clearly she had food because she made him coffee etc and he began his crap again !! Not good enough he's a man not a 3 year old although I've seen some 3 year old behave better!

Easipeelerie · 07/02/2025 21:44

I hope you can get the council to house you soon. Best wishes!

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 07/02/2025 21:45

Sounds like my friend’s soon to be ex husband. Absolute narcissist and had a tantrum every birthday and hounded her until she made her loving fb post/blamed her for his birthday being ruined every year. Wtf! She was a nervous wreak around his birthday in the end

Nikki75 · 07/02/2025 21:48

I could not be ok with this man after behaving like this is he a 2 yr old ..Keep on getting your ducks in a row and keep looking and planning your future without him .
Hats off to you for trying to to keep the day ok .
The minute that birthday cake came out he'd of been wearing it if it was me!!
Why should you and your kids have to dread or step on eggshells around birthdays or Christmas because he isnt adult enough to deal with his feelings but its acceptable to put you through shit all day making fun of gifts or demanding a breakfast or buffet .
You deserve so much more than this year in year out op anything nice he does for the rest of the time would be undone to me due to his pathetic behaviour at other times.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 07/02/2025 21:49

Ick.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 07/02/2025 22:04

I would not even acknowledge his birthday next year, and when he asks
where his card, presents, breakfast, dinner, party and what ever else he has on his list of entitlements tell him it’s a pointless exercise that you can no longer put yourself through when he deliberately kicks your kindness and effort in your face. In fact by this time next year I wouldn’t be with him!

NannaKaren · 07/02/2025 22:05

What a test he is!
leave the idiot - your poor DC and you. ☹️

Dontbeataroundthebush1 · 07/02/2025 22:09

Pathetic behaviour for a grown man.

labamba007 · 07/02/2025 22:17

Has he acted this way before OP?

kizzyyy · 07/02/2025 22:25

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2025 18:15

But if you actually read her posts...

Yes, he is seriously abusive. I'm so glad she's in the process of leaving.

Laurmolonlabe · 07/02/2025 22:40

Next time buy him a dummy and nappies- he is acting like a toddler.
He was clearly determined to be upset- so let him, just let him go for it.
I'm not surprised he is estranged from his father- if I were you I'd be aiming to be estranged from him ASAP. Who on earth does he think he is, he needs to get a grip.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 07/02/2025 22:42

Stop spending money on expensive gifts meals out and buffet.

He already feels you don't do enough, so why spend on him when you're planning to leave?

SkipToTheLight · 07/02/2025 22:43

My mum’s like this about her birthday, Christmas and Mother’s Day. She has a personality disorder. OP, so sorry you’ve been treated like this, he sounds like a vile, abusive man. Get rid!

Marine30 · 07/02/2025 22:52

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:35

It’s definitely real! He behaved very badly around Fathers Day last year (I posted about it and how awful he was)

I remember it and thought at the time how mean and childish he sounded. Hasn’t got any better 😌 He won’t either.
i feel sorry for you and your kids. Knowing he won’t change I guess the only thing that matters now is your next move.

FasilBalti · 07/02/2025 23:01

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 21:26

Oh no. Our cupboards and fridge was full of food. Just not the very specific items that he decided he suddenly wanted on the morning of his birthday. He also knew that I had planned a buffet for another day. I wasn’t limiting him to only one meal.

Ah ok, sorry. My fault.

I've been very sick with a virus and my brain was ruffled. Looking at it now, I'm not sure why I thought having 'no food' literally meant your cupboards and fridge were empty. He was meaning none of the food on his mental list of desired treats, that he never told you about, for meals he doesn't normally eat (breakfast) 😁

It reminded me of the competitive under eating threads. Folk that have a big lunch (often a massive salad) and are full for the next two days. They can't believe you're planning to eat dinner later on that evening😂

ChaToilLeam · 07/02/2025 23:13

I just hope you can get away from this horrible, childish man soon.

Isinglass20 · 07/02/2025 23:13

When your kids are in their 70s and 80s they will remember this.
Remind him it will go through the generations- every time any member of your family has a birthday this disgusting behaviour will be brought up at some point.

IdaPrentice · 07/02/2025 23:26

ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 06/02/2025 10:42

I think you are misinterpreting his expectation. He seems to be in a cycle where he expects you to make a fuss/lots of pressie etc. but not in a good way, more like an excuse so he has a reason to shoot you down because in his head, it’s what he would like to do to his Dad, ‘throw it back in his face’ but I guess he never got to do that. He needs serious therapy.

I think this is a vey perceptive post from ThatsWhat and makes sense of his behaviour. Sadly I don't imagine he's the sort of person who would see a therapist, so it doesn't really help you OP as the person on the receiving end.

Thefsm · 07/02/2025 23:35

I am flabbergasted. I think my husband would die of embarrassment if I put a banner on the front door and arranged multiple get together and all those extra things you did. We often don’t even do gifts. A meal out and. Cake is surely enough for any grown up. Is it a big number birthday? Maybe he’s feeling mid life crisis coming on.

you’re a saint not to have shoved his face in the cake!

Thisandthat999 · 07/02/2025 23:37

What a big fucking baby.
How embarrassing.
That sort of behaviour would make me literally dry up!!
Sorry you were upset. Even if he’s got some sort of childhood birthday trauma there is no excuse for that!

largeprintagathachristie · 07/02/2025 23:37

OMG he was upset that there wasn’t a banner over the front door?!!!

I really thought your poster couldn’t be real- it’s such bonkers behaviour from him - but I suspect it is. In which case, you are not being unreasonable.

I would find it deeply unattractive and it would nudge me quite a way towards the ick …

Thatissimplyuntrue · 07/02/2025 23:39

Ew. Yuk. Man child.

AfraidToRun · 07/02/2025 23:52

Oh god, this is reminding me of my ex. His big one was Xmas for sulking but yes, birthdays too. He once refused to get out of bed until 3pm because it was all fucking pointless, no one got I wanted (despite not opening presents yet nor telling people what he wanted when they asked). When he wanted sex, he was all lightness and air, made me want to puke.

Either bin him, or send him away for his birthday week alone and out of your hair