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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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8
itsjustbiology · 07/02/2025 20:05

Your children protecting you and speaking up for you tells you all you need to know. Get rid of this imbecile/

Whattimes · 07/02/2025 20:05

Not excusing his poor behaviour on the day, very disappointing when you put in a lot of effort and the children and family backed you up here. But I do wonder if there's some mental health stuff going on. Some people do seem to get very moody on their Birthday, perhaps fear of getting older/decrepit! I hope he will realise the error of his ways and makes it up to you. So many lonely people on their Birthday would love even a fraction of this attention.

Brinkley22 · 07/02/2025 20:06

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:35

It’s definitely real! He behaved very badly around Fathers Day last year (I posted about it and how awful he was)

So…. It sounds like birthdays and Father’s Day tap into feelings about his dad (and how he thinks his dad feels/or doesn’t feel about him). I’m thinking he is acting like a dejected and rejected and abandoned child because that is how he feels. Maybe he feels uncared for/unloved by his dad?
This isn’t about you; this sounds like totally his stuff and it will carry on until he works through it.
I know it’s a cliche, but what are his thoughts about therapy?

ThistleTits · 07/02/2025 20:06

@RainbowStriped A grown man having a hissy fit over a fkg birthday banner on the door?
Making out he's neglected and then being ungrateful for his gifts.
Is this his normal behavior? I couldn't live with a manchild. He's being very cruel to you.

Letstheriveranswer · 07/02/2025 20:08

I totally get that some people get really depressed on and around their birthdays, I do. And then if anyone does anything for me I feel pathetically grateful that anyone remembered me.

So I do get the emotions involved and how it triggers stuff.

But we are adults and we have to control our outward behaviour, and his behaviour is absolutely awful!

LalaPaloosa2024 · 07/02/2025 20:09

Leave this man

WingingItFTM · 07/02/2025 20:09

I just wanted to say I absolutely believe every word you have written and I know how hard it is to leave.

I could have written large parts of your message myself.

It’s 18 months since I first contacted Womens Aid and about 4 months since I started counselling.

It takes time. It’s really not as easy as ‘just leaving’ - especially with kids.

And your comment about almost wishing he would just hit you or have an affair - I absolutely understand

Please take care of yourself. It’s real, it’s not in your head, and it’s not ok - but you will get there ♥️

WimbyAce · 07/02/2025 20:19

GreenTeaLikesMe · 06/02/2025 09:26

I don’t understand how this post is even possible. Surely it’s illegal to be married to a 5yo?

My thoughts exactly!

Cornflakes123 · 07/02/2025 20:19

“Are you putting up a loving Facebook post” oh gosh this gives me the ick so much, he sounds so full of his own self importance. After him behaving like a spoiled brat and treating you so badly all day. YANBU 100 percent . this is abusive behaviour .

valentinka31 · 07/02/2025 20:21

oh bless him, he's obviously really traumatised by his own birthday.

Well I would start talking to him in September, planning his birthday. I'd talk about it quite often. Try to get him on board.

Personally if I loved him and he was my husband then I would of course thinnk omg what awful behaviour but he has opened up about how he feels so I'd try to work with him. I'd make it my mission to have him actually get over this and have a nice birthday.

He's not the only bloke like this. I know at least another two. Identical behaviour. And they also had trauma/neglect on childhood birthdays.

OldScribbler · 07/02/2025 20:24

Devilsmommy · 06/02/2025 09:29

Yeah I wouldn't be doing fuck all for his birthday again. What a twat. When even your kids are so aware of it that they feel they have to say something, you'd think he'd tone it down. Oh and the piece da resistance, cuddling up to you on the couch at the end of the day like he thought you'd be giving him a birthday bedroom treat🤣 using his estranged dad as an excuse is ridiculous, he's not 4 years old 🙄

The one surprising bright side of this sad mess is the children realise he's a twat

FriendsDrinkBook · 07/02/2025 20:26

@valentinka31 bless him? I do hope you're joking.

exaltedwombat · 07/02/2025 20:28

Was this a landmark birthday? They can be deeply depressing.

momtoboys · 07/02/2025 20:29

I guess I missed the part of your story where you said you were married to a 10 year old! What a knob.

Bowies · 07/02/2025 20:30

FFS is he 4 years old?

I would tell him the birthdays are for your DC from now on, you are knocking them on the head for the sake of your marriage.

GoldFishPocketWatch · 07/02/2025 20:31

This could be a 4 year old! And a miserable one at that!

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 07/02/2025 20:33

OMG I cannot believe you are talking about an adult male. Who even gives a shit about birthdays when you're grown up? Unless vaguely milestone.

Suchasonganddance · 07/02/2025 20:44

Been there, done that. Pandered for several years, now I don’t mention his birthday and nobody sends him greetings/ presents.
Actually, he behaves a lot better 🤔

Aftergloww · 07/02/2025 20:55

Next year, give yourself a getaway during his birthday and let him sort himself. Can’t blame you if you’re not even around.

My mum was like this growing up - got anxious about it and ruined every single nice holiday or event. It sucked.

NaiceEagle · 07/02/2025 20:56

Does he have a guilty secret and he thinks he can take it out on you?
Porn?
Just a thought.

MumTeacherofMany · 07/02/2025 20:57

Op I have no words. Just wow.

Bubblyb00b · 07/02/2025 21:02

This was unbearable even to read! Horrible man child. You should have treated him the same way kids should be treated if they behave this like this - "either stop acting up or go to your room AND YOUR BIRTHDAY IS CANCELLED!"

Liveandletlive18 · 07/02/2025 21:07

To be fair there are people who prefer to let their birthdays fly by with no fuss. Have you actually spoken to him about his preference. There is nothing wrong with people who don't wish a huge hurrah around their date of birth

Superfrog1 · 07/02/2025 21:19

Is he having an issue with being ‘another year older’ ??!!! may explain he’s behaviour. I don’t agree with it and think he should grow up (excuse the pun) x

Justlivelovelaugheat · 07/02/2025 21:20

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

Read the let them theory by Mel Robbins. His birthday was ruined that’s on him not you.

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