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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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thescandalwascontained · 07/02/2025 18:51

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:38

I can honestly say this is 100% real 😔 He has always acted up around his birthdays/starts fights in the days leading up to them and then accuses me of deliberately ruining his day. Some years have been ok but this year was particularly bad.

Say this to him. Say it happens around Every Single Day that is supposed to be about 'him' as a birthday boy/dad/gift recipient/etc and you are done. Clearly he experienced trauma or disappointment growing up on these days, and you're not going to be treated like absolute shit because he hasn't come to terms with it. He gets therapy to get to the bottom of why he acts like a twattish 12 year old or those days will not longer be celebrated for/with him. He gets to decide which option is going to happen here: therapy or no celebration for him, end of.

YourWorthyBee · 07/02/2025 18:52

Sounds to me that you have a man child. Tell him to shape up or ship out. You deserve better.

Single50something · 07/02/2025 18:54

Sounds like my ex. Miserable. Rude. Self centred. It's so hard and hurtful when you go to so much effort for it to be thrown back in your face.
He turned me into a shadow of my former self. I'm back to how I was before and stronger now but I let him treat me like crap..and you and your children are worth more.

thescandalwascontained · 07/02/2025 18:54

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:43

I was proud of them for seeing how awful their father’s behaviour was and for calling him out on it.

Also agree with this: show him this thread and remind him he's showing his own children that he's a giant twat

TinkyBella · 07/02/2025 18:59

I would tell him that you consider his behaviour unacceptable and that he either has counselling or you leave.

Mummadeze · 07/02/2025 18:59

Classic narcissist behaviour. Surprised he is nice to you on your birthday. My partner tries to ruin all special occasions

Mrsbloggz · 07/02/2025 19:00

thescandalwascontained · 07/02/2025 18:54

Also agree with this: show him this thread and remind him he's showing his own children that he's a giant twat

Please dont do this OP, he'll ramp up the abuse to punish you for discussing his behavior. He'll also then be aware that you want to leave so he'll be further punishing you & doing what he can to make it hard for you to escape him.

RedRoss86 · 07/02/2025 19:01

One word for his behaviour.

'Ew'.

howrudeforme · 07/02/2025 19:02

Op my ex did this to me regularly. It was part of a pattern to show his disrespect.

Sounds like a horrible day. Could be something else going on (like starting to disengage from family - make himself look unloved etc).

TriathlonTriathlonTriathlon · 07/02/2025 19:03

I’m estranged from my mum and dad, not by choice (long story, my siblings are in the same boat so at least I have them!).

I wouldn’t DREAM of using that as an excuse to behave like an entitled twat on my birthday.

JJMama · 07/02/2025 19:04

GreenTeaLikesMe · 06/02/2025 09:26

I don’t understand how this post is even possible. Surely it’s illegal to be married to a 5yo?

Came here to say that! This is horrifying behaviour for a bratty 5 year old, let alone a supposedly grown man! How nauseating! I’d be wholly embarrassed.

Youcannevertell · 07/02/2025 19:11

A banner at the front door?! I am surprised he didn't want balloons and a bouncy castle 😂 😂

Witknit · 07/02/2025 19:19

I certainly wouldn't be participating in any part of his buffet - even if it is his magical 3rd birthday. What a twat.

Greenshed · 07/02/2025 19:19

To be honest, if my husband had behaved like yours, that would be the one and only time he would - there’d be no more future birthday cards, presents, banners, meals out, cakes or treats from me. What a childish, self entitled individual your OH appears to be. Time he grew up and stopped sulking like a child.

FriendsDrinkBook · 07/02/2025 19:24

I can see that you're making plans to leave op. Whilst I'm sorry that you're going through this , it's absolutely the correct course of action.

My final straw with exh was when when he acted like a pathetic baby on our 5th wedding anniversary. He ended the evening by storming off and leaving me in a crowded place knowing that he had my keys in his pocket. And this was after attempting to flirt with the waitress right in front of me and telling me constantly that he hated the restaurant I chose for our 'big' meal. The absolute bastard.

It won't be easy to leave , but it will be worth every effort you make. You deserve to be happy and able to enjoy special occasions again.

Good luck op.

Horses7 · 07/02/2025 19:24

Why put up with this childish behaviour? I would have taken myself out for the day and then picked kids up after school and taken them out for dinner. Then stayed out as late as possible and then gone to bed. You are allowing him to make your life miserable - don’t!
If you can’t cope with him then separate, you’ll probably be happier.

asrl78 · 07/02/2025 19:42

The scenario sounds so extreme that I am guessing he has MASSIVE mental problems relating to his family history, although that does not excuse his behaviour (I get sick to death of people who play the mental illness card whenever some atrocity is committed as if they are trying to use political correctness as a shield against condemnation). There are plenty of people in the country with mental health issues who don't behave like this. You need to have a serious discussion with him about it and put some boundaries down, and if his behaviour is stimulated by mental trauma, encourage him to have counselling. If he refuses to own his behaviour and make any effort to regulate it, you will have to consider if you really want to stay married to him as you will be on the end of this behaviour forever (you cannot control other people).

NaiceEagle · 07/02/2025 19:42

Has he got a guity secret and he is taking it out on you? Porn?
Just a thought.

Meeziemee · 07/02/2025 19:44

You're living with a spoilt man child. It would not have mattered what you did for him or what you bought him, it would never be right because he was determined to have a pity party for himself. OK, maybe he is upset about his father, but that does not give him the right to emotionally abuse you. If this is his typical behaviour, you could end it.

FriendsDrinkBook · 07/02/2025 19:45

@NaiceEagle nah. He's just a cunt. And it's clearly no secret.

Ebeneser · 07/02/2025 19:47

Jesus, my DH is lucky if I buy him a card and a chocolate bar and his parents just get him a Lynx box set 🤣. Can’t believe somegrown adults make a massive day of it and buy each other so many presents, then sulk. We only bother with the DC, we are old enough to buy what we want when we want.

MumWifeOther · 07/02/2025 19:48

I honestly don’t know what to say. I cannot imagine a grown man acting like this? Poor you. It would be enough to put me off for
life tbh.

Glidingswan · 07/02/2025 19:49

There is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour, i don’t know how you can put up with it, he’s like a whole group of terrible 2s having a meltdown. I’d have packed his shit so fast and threw them in the street and locked the door on him. DONE!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 07/02/2025 19:55

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:30

Oddly he is very good on Mothers Day and my birthday. Mostly I work on Mothers Day and he organises a bag of gifts. I don’t expect anything, I’m happy with the homemade stuff from school. He is good around my birthday and luckily has never behaved badly. It’s his birthday that his got a chip on his shoulder about.

I think you need a frank discussion that he either gets therapy or his birthdays are ignored from now on. The fact that the children have picked up on him should make him ashamed!

BonhomieNorthener · 07/02/2025 20:02

eremition · 07/02/2025 17:59

Have you even read the post?

Absolutely. Possibly not every follow up comment. But the original post, yes indeed. Would you like to be more specific?

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