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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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8
WillimNot · 07/02/2025 18:06

And you're getting a divorce from this man baby who is jealous of his own children when exactly?

Wow.

What a knob.

Lovaduck74 · 07/02/2025 18:12

What is he, five years old? Actually, scratch that, five year olds wouldn't behave that badly!.What a dick!

Kitten1982 · 07/02/2025 18:12

MsPavlichenko · 07/02/2025 14:07

All the time you are wasting on thinking, thinking again, posting on stuff like this would be better spent on trying to progress getting away. That stuff about what he said or ate or didn’t is beside the point. Symptoms of the problem. Problem being he is an abuser.

You could get him out, an interdict would keep him away, if he didn’t he can be lifted by the police. WA might not be able to put you in a refuge but they can help with this. I know you want a move, but you can get him out while you wait. A new house won’t in any case stop him being abusive necessarily, that’s why you need legal and other support. Councillors and MPs can help you with piling pressure on the council re this so contact them.

I too have a severely disabled ( now adult ) child, so I understand the extra difficulties, but all the more reason to get the fucker out.

I agree. And I finally got mine out just before my youngest turned 18. I, and my kids, am/are disabled. We were very dependent on him for basic quality of life. So it was hard to get away. But if I’d have had an ounce of power and not been so sick, I would’ve left him when the kids were small. It’s only since I left him that they’ve told me about abusive things he did to them when I wasn’t around (such as the weeks on end I was in hospitals). So if you have kids and you have absolutely any chance to get out of it, do. They only get worse with how they treat you and you might have to live with finding out it stretched to other people, even beyond your family unit.

Turquoise123 · 07/02/2025 18:13

Have to say I don’t really understand adults making a fuss about birthdays unless they are the really big ones . It all sounds very tiresome. If he wants specific things on his birthday why can’t he organise it ?

saveforthat · 07/02/2025 18:13

I am sorry if this is real op but what grown man wants banners and balloons.

MyRoseBee · 07/02/2025 18:13

Is this a work of fiction?! You know you have to leave him right? You can’t live like that.

Blogswife · 07/02/2025 18:15

Was it his 5th birthday Op ?
What a childish controlling tw@t, Why on earth do you indulge him ?

Vynalbob · 07/02/2025 18:15

GreenTeaLikesMe · 06/02/2025 09:26

I don’t understand how this post is even possible. Surely it’s illegal to be married to a 5yo?

This☝️100%

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2025 18:15

kizzyyy · 06/02/2025 13:54

Seems like his birthday is an emotional trigger for him R.E. his dad and he's projecting that trauma/disappointment on to you. It would be wise for him to seek therapy for this. His behaviour's not fair on you at all! Remember that he's reliving a childhood hurt, it's not personal, and there's nothing you could have done differently.

But if you actually read her posts...

Newoxonbird · 07/02/2025 18:16

I'm sorry but there's either something going on with him and he's trying to drive you away or pick a massive fight ( could he be having an affair ? ) or he's an supreme twat and a selfish poor excuse for a husband AND father. He was upsetting his kids.
I'd be reading him his fortune .
How the absolute fuck dare he behave like this when you went to so much trouble ?
I'm sorry for you having such a complete wanker for a husband.

Johna69 · 07/02/2025 18:18

What an ungrateful prick he is,so childish,is he like this all the time ?

ItWasTheRightThing · 07/02/2025 18:21

This is all so sad, and I knew from the start there must be something really serious behind it, not just a kick off about the husband’s birthday.
Wasn’t happy to discover I was right. :-(

OP I think sadly that you’re getting lots of replies about the birthday thing, which are not helpful. But also kind of expected.

Obviously there’s a much bigger problem here, and you need to get help from professionals and not mumsnet.

i know you’ve had plenty of advice already.
I wish you luck in getting out of this situation ASAP.

fingerbobz · 07/02/2025 18:24

My fanny just grew over

Id rather be single forever than married to a massive man child like him

He sounds like a child with learnjng difficulties

Meadowfinch · 07/02/2025 18:26

Why on earth do you put up with this waste of space.

Just get rid of him. He contributes nothing to your life and sets an appalling example to your children.

Hwi · 07/02/2025 18:26

You are far too nice. Stop it, never ends well.

OhcantthInkofaname · 07/02/2025 18:27

O M G. I can never get over an adult behaving that way about their birthday.

Dmak · 07/02/2025 18:31

I could almost have typed this up myself , my other half has done this several times with the same excuse , please gather your strength and let him know that last time , once you take your foot off and stop caring it’s amazing how realeased you will feel , your poor kids also having to see this . Riot act engaged and ultimatums set.
I got the same excuse , my dad left , my mum didn’t buy me a birthday cake ! I don’t know how to do birthdays .., yada yada, you are not alone , many man children out there with a variety of excuses for bad behaviour , good luck

Booboobagins · 07/02/2025 18:32

@RainbowStriped I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just remember one thing, if you feel anger, you feel it not the person you're angry with, so let it go. Instead do exactly as you are until you can get away.

I don't get why housing cannot be found for you. I had to laugh at some of the suggestions that advised you to seek a piece of paper (eg NMO) that offers no protection at all!

Call him out for playing games, cos that is what he's doing. He's playing a victim persecutor only good for you, you're then not making him a victim by reacting.

He needs counselling. He needs to work out what's wrong with him. I suspect his behaviour has knocked out any love you had for him, so your only option is to leave.

I'm sending you the best of luck to find a way out asap. xxx

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2025 18:34

@RainbowStriped

I'm glad you're working your way 'out'. Seeing a solicitor ASAP is the best move you can make, especially about the house and possibly getting him out. If a non-mol is ordered he isn't allowed to harass you and try to get back in. That would violate the order and result in charges and possibly jail time and hopefully the thought of that would be a deterrent. Like all bullies he's essentially a coward, he isn't going to want to run afoul of the police. And continue with WA and any other organization for victims of DA/EA. Arm yourself with knowledge so when the time is right you'll know what to do.

You asked for advice in 'appeasing' him in the meantime but honestly there is no 'appeasement' that will work. He does what he does because he enjoys it, he gets something out of it. So if you stop doing 'A' he'll act up because you are no longer doing 'A'. If you try doing 'B' he'll act up because 'B' isn't what he wants, he wants 'C'. Then if you do 'C' that won't be right either. Do you see what I mean? He doesn't want you to make him happy. What makes him happy is you being unhappy. You are in a no win situation. Your only choice is do you exhaust yourself trying to please him and get abuse because you 'didn't do it right' or do you stop trying to please him and get abuse because you didn't try to please him. Your choice, but I think I'd choose the 'less exhausting' way and get shit because of what I didn't do and save myself the effort than get shit because I put forth the effort but it was all 'wrong'.

sushiandarollie · 07/02/2025 18:37

This sounds like something my father would do. Once he gets in a mood he acts like a spoilt child for the whole day .
I’d let it go for now but say to him tomorrow that if he acts like that again you’ll be taking the kids out for the day next year without him and you certainly will not be providing any presents or cake or meal if he acts like a child again. He sounds angry and he’s taken it out on you which is so unfair. He needs to deal with his anger over his family before next years birthday

FreeRider · 07/02/2025 18:39

I find my birthday difficult - my narc mother couldn't stand the attention not being on her for one day and always behaved badly, much like your husband did - she actually called me a bitch on my 11th birthday (to this day myself and my two brothers have no idea why). My father was working abroad until I was nearly 18 so he never made any effort, either.

My 18th and 21st I can't even remember because they did nothing to mark them.

Since becoming an adult, I've acknowledged that it's a difficult time and brings up a lot of bad memories. Nowadays I arrange to spend my birthday on my own - I do a lot of nice things for myself, like have my hair/nails etc done, go out for a nice lunch, buy myself flowers/chocolates etc, talk to my best friend on the phone, even go away for a week on my own...because I know I may not be in the best of moods and I'm not going to act like a fucking spoilt brat and take it out on others!

In your case OP I'd be very very tempted to make it the last birthday of his that you spend with him. He really needs to grow the fuck up.

fortheloveofgumball · 07/02/2025 18:41

Banner on the front door. Is he for real??? U don't deserve this shitty attitude op.

Valleysaurus · 07/02/2025 18:47

Sounds like he really showed his ass. I'm sorry. As an American, I've never come across the phrase, "a face like a slapped arse" before. It is now my new best friend. Thank you for that gift.

YourWorthyBee · 07/02/2025 18:50

Sounds to me like you have a man child. Tell him to shape up or ship out. You deserve better.

darthbreakz · 07/02/2025 18:51

Does he do this every year?

It's fine to find your birthday stressful/sad/difficult but projecting it onto everyone else - especially those who've made an effort - isn't ok.

You've every right to want to debrief this ASAP.

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