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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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Peaceandquietandacuppa · 06/02/2025 23:02

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 21:30

Thank you. Yes they did mention a non-mol order but they also mentioned that the perpetrator can view the family home as “theirs” and harass/demand entry etc. I also know that he would use it against me that I took his home away from him and I could imagine him pushing boundaries and wanting to come back. A fresh start somewhere completely mine feels safer and healthier. No memories (good or bad) a clean slate for me and the children.

Can you contact your local MP? We did during our time as homeless and it helped. Show the MP the letter from women’s aid.

Originblueberry · 07/02/2025 06:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Cattery · 07/02/2025 12:31

The way he behaved was almost like he thought you were taking the piss out of him. I assume you knew his past and him associating birthdays with bad memories regarding his father. Why did you then push and push for his birthday to be so special ie banners, meal, cake etc if you knew his birthdays make him feel uncomfortable and induce such rage?

AliasGrape · 07/02/2025 12:37

Cattery · 07/02/2025 12:31

The way he behaved was almost like he thought you were taking the piss out of him. I assume you knew his past and him associating birthdays with bad memories regarding his father. Why did you then push and push for his birthday to be so special ie banners, meal, cake etc if you knew his birthdays make him feel uncomfortable and induce such rage?

I think you need a little work on your reading comprehension - maybe try reading at least all of OP’s posts on the thread before weighing in with something like this.

Cattery · 07/02/2025 13:04

@AliasGrape She has said “he always kicks off around his birthday”. Why push the agenda on him then

Twaddlepip · 07/02/2025 13:11

Cattery · 07/02/2025 13:04

@AliasGrape She has said “he always kicks off around his birthday”. Why push the agenda on him then

He is a perpetrator of domestic violence. Read the entire thread.

Cattery · 07/02/2025 13:13

I have. He’s a complete bastard so fuck his birthday off out of it. You can’t appease these people

Twaddlepip · 07/02/2025 13:14

Cattery · 07/02/2025 13:13

I have. He’s a complete bastard so fuck his birthday off out of it. You can’t appease these people

Not always a safe move.

Cattery · 07/02/2025 13:31

@Twaddlepip Nothing you can do will talk them down. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. It’s a toxic situation

MsPavlichenko · 07/02/2025 14:07

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 21:26

Oh no. Our cupboards and fridge was full of food. Just not the very specific items that he decided he suddenly wanted on the morning of his birthday. He also knew that I had planned a buffet for another day. I wasn’t limiting him to only one meal.

All the time you are wasting on thinking, thinking again, posting on stuff like this would be better spent on trying to progress getting away. That stuff about what he said or ate or didn’t is beside the point. Symptoms of the problem. Problem being he is an abuser.

You could get him out, an interdict would keep him away, if he didn’t he can be lifted by the police. WA might not be able to put you in a refuge but they can help with this. I know you want a move, but you can get him out while you wait. A new house won’t in any case stop him being abusive necessarily, that’s why you need legal and other support. Councillors and MPs can help you with piling pressure on the council re this so contact them.

I too have a severely disabled ( now adult ) child, so I understand the extra difficulties, but all the more reason to get the fucker out.

YoNoHeSido77 · 07/02/2025 17:50

GreenTeaLikesMe · 06/02/2025 09:26

I don’t understand how this post is even possible. Surely it’s illegal to be married to a 5yo?

I was confused too. This is spoilt child behaviour, not adult.

CorEckIsLike · 07/02/2025 17:53

All I can say I a WOW what a massive bellend, and I hope your ok. No way in hell I would put up with that childish petulant behaviour. How old was he 5?

CorEckIsLike · 07/02/2025 17:55

wizzywig · 06/02/2025 09:39

Well I'd decorate the front door with a 'welcome home from work' banner. See if shein/ temu have a neon light with the same message. Can you order a daily marching band for when he comes home from work? Buy a red carpet and roll it out for his majesty. I'd do the red carpet for a laugh. Dont let him get out of the car til you roll it out.

😂😂 this cracked me up after feeling spectacularly shit all day

BonhomieNorthener · 07/02/2025 17:56

JustWantsSomeSleep · 06/02/2025 09:27

Oh God I know this person. Not your partner mind. Just don’t bother in future he doesn’t sound worth the effort.

I think it's completely unreasonable of you to stay married to this manchild. Consult a solicitor and make sure you get compensated well for putting up with this nonsense! Also he's obviously having an affair and wanted to create the conditions that he could storm off and be with them.

Dogsbreath7 · 07/02/2025 17:59

A grown adult wanting a banner?

no more. He needs psychological help.

TankFlyBossW4lk · 07/02/2025 17:59

Ok. I voted YANBU. But I'm trying to understand what has happened here. So, being devil's advocate, I suspect he feels undervalued within the family. And this was, in his mind's eye, a straw moment. Is he, for example, in a high pressure job that he doesn't particularly like and feels he has to keep going for the sake of the family? He's behaving like this because upset over a bigger thing is my interpretation.

Ariadneslostthread · 07/02/2025 17:59

Bloody hell, OP, what a dreadful man !!. to be honest there are times when I thought mine wasn’t great, but yours makes mine look like a saint !!!. I suppose if I was you, I’d be given him the quiet treatment for at least a week…. And I’d probably say to him next time it’s your birthday I’m doing NOTHING for you, because you are miserable, ungrateful, rude and horrible. Sometimes you need to level with people. I recently had a row with my husband, he was having a go at me saying he didn’t know what was wrong with me, I was a miserable bitch….. and in the end, I screamed at him, what do you expect from somebody who is stuck in a wheelchair and has cancer at the moment?…(which is the truth). And then burst into tears, and he completely changed his tack. I think sometimes it needs to be said how it is…. You need to show people just how hurtful they are being toward you .

Middleagedspreadisreal · 07/02/2025 17:59

He needs help.

eremition · 07/02/2025 17:59

BonhomieNorthener · 07/02/2025 17:56

I think it's completely unreasonable of you to stay married to this manchild. Consult a solicitor and make sure you get compensated well for putting up with this nonsense! Also he's obviously having an affair and wanted to create the conditions that he could storm off and be with them.

Have you even read the post?

StarkleLittleTwink · 07/02/2025 18:00

I have a DH who used to do the same thing at Christmas. He ruined so many Christmases for me and my daughters (his step-daughters) that the last time he did it I told him I wasn’t going to spend another Christmas with him. I have grandkids now and things seem to have changed a bit fortunately. However he knows if he acts like a child again, he will spend Christmas Day on his own. Treating him like the child he is really worked, so I’d do the same OP; go out for a spa day or shopping and let him sulk alone at home.

legal2 · 07/02/2025 18:01

What a prick. Get a good divorce lawyer (me) and get rid.

BunnyVV · 07/02/2025 18:02

My MIL has form for this kind of thing.
my husband will slip into similar behaviour when triggered by events. It’s a trauma bond to how his mother used to act when he was a child. It’s weird - they repeat the behaviour they hated as a child because their bodies and minds don’t know how to do anything else. It’s how they learned to act from their parents.

if your husband is estranged I wonder if something similar is going on?

my MIL has undiagnosed ADHd and this kind of reaction is called RSD. Rejection sensitive dysforia.

Mabelthetable · 07/02/2025 18:02

He sounds unbelievably toxic and you should leave before you end up with no self esteem whatsoever. He needs therapy not birthday cake.

Kitten1982 · 07/02/2025 18:05

rwalker · 06/02/2025 09:32

I couldn’t even engage with shit like that

tbh it’s probably instilled behaviour some parents treat birthdays like the second coming of Christ and these children turn in to adults like this round birthdays

My gran died on my 9th birthday & my birthday then became about my gran every year. My dad punched me in the back in the middle of a shop on my 10th bday for asking if we could get a Sara Lee chocolate gateaux (which cost a quid & we were wealthy). My birthday was never mine again. And that has made me very defensive about having any celebration of my birthday. I don’t know how to respond to gifts. I don’t know how to respond to sweet gestures. I’m not rude but I’m not normal either. So I think that childhood can definitely inform how you are on your birthday, but I think it can also be trauma that might make someone seem like a dick.

Not the OP’s OH though. He’s just a wanker

141mum · 07/02/2025 18:05

What a pratt