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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

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RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 19:37

Gemmawemma9 · 06/02/2025 18:43

Absolutely this. Very strange.

I feel the need to “play along” in the meantime. Not necessarily healthy I know but it has to be business as usual whilst I wait for an offer. It’s not ideal I know.

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cansu · 06/02/2025 19:38

If that is all true then he is pathetic. I would not be pandering to this nonsense. One gift and one meal. End of.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 19:49

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They know about the DA and my current situation.

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RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 19:50

Dappy777 · 06/02/2025 16:07

Jesus, how old was he,12? If my 12-year-old behaved like that I'd tell him it was pathetic and to grow up. But a full grown adult with kids!! omg.

Was he spoiled as a child OP? I have known a couple of people who were spoiled as kids and then expected everyone to praise and pander to them as adults. I actually watched my SIL throw a tantrum on Christmas Day because two people had bought her the same thing. She was 31 at the time. And this was a full tantrum, with stamping feet and protruding lower and lip and folded arms and shouting and tears – the works. Revolting to watch. But her mum and dad had treated her like a little princess all her life, and that was the result.

Wow, that’s dreadful!

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Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 19:56

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Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 19:58

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LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 06/02/2025 19:59

Please contact Women's Aid and see about moving to a refuge as a matter of urgency (and of course, contact a solicitor as well). Trying to appease your husband with gifts and meals out won't achieve anything. And you may need to wait a long time for a house, even if you have been vaguely told that one will be available by the end of the year. Every day you stay in the current toxic environment is damaging for your children, as well as for you.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 20:00

Coffeesnob11 · 06/02/2025 18:09

My abusive ex h was like this. I once organised a day out in London including cheese tasting and a three course meal and he complained I didn't feed him enough. We sat in the restaurant in London. He seemed to think I was a mind reader about what he wanted. I picked all the things around his interests and what he had said he wanted to do. I did it once more for a big birthday and then never again. It turned out he was an alcoholic and was probably struggling without so much drink but he was beyond rude and didn't give me any credit for really trying to make things great.

That’s awful and so ungrateful. DH did similar last year on a trip to London. Spoke to me horribly on the morning we were heading up - it was his birthday gift too, something I had planned with him in mind that cost a lot of money. If we hadn’t had the children with us all excited to go I would’ve cancelled the whole thing. When will I learn eh?

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RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 20:02

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I have declared myself homeless due to DA.

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RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 20:03

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Women’s Aid also supplied the council with a letter stating my current situation.

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Imbusytodaysorry · 06/02/2025 20:06

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 17:54

I definitely want out now, I’ve never had a plan before when we’ve separated for short amounts of time but I have a proper plan now.

I’ve recently attended my first counselling session which is a step in the right direction. I would like for my children to have counselling too but I’m not sure how to go about that and how to access it? I’m currently on the list for a council house and top ten for a few areas. Until I’m offered a place I’m stuck as I’ve nowhere else to go and my husband won’t leave (he’s said during an argument that I can be the one to go next time which is fine but I don’t have the luxury of being able to go and stay with family like he did and he knows this) I’ve been told I should be offered a property by the end of this year, It obviously depends on someone moving out and giving up their council property. I can’t afford to buy or privately rent either.

Unfortunately I know how difficult he would be if I ended things officially now and if we would be stuck living together in the meantime. The only other option is to take it in turns to look after our children in the house while I wait for my own house.

So you have to spend money and faff around him and sleep with him ? When you don’t want to.
Can you at least put and end to that ? Tell him you won’t be sleeping with him again untill he works on himself and things change . That you are sick of the way he treats you .
Like any narcassist they don’t need to change or want to change because what they are doing works for them , and frankly that’s the only Person they care about.

Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 20:07

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RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 20:10

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Women’s Aid have written explaining my situation-due to having a child with a severe disability it wouldn’t be possible for us to go into temp accommodation (B+B) The council understand the situation too and how a place in a refuge also wouldn’t be suitable. It would need to be a house.

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Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 20:12

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Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 20:13

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RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 20:13

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No, a civil injunction wasn’t mentioned? What is that please?

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Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 20:15

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ChillWith · 06/02/2025 20:35

Who did you go out to dinner with apart from your kids? Was his dad there? It's very odd behaviour. And what's with a buffet as well? Will there be different people at that?
He's likely behaving the way he did at the age his dad left. I'm guessing his mum overcompensated for his birthdays after that and so he has this anger plus unrealistic and unfair expectations of you and the kids. He needs his birthday gifts returned in exchange for counselling and an ultimatum that you and kids are off if he doesn't do them. What do you want?

2025willbemytime · 06/02/2025 20:55

You'll learn when you chose to.

FasilBalti · 06/02/2025 21:05

He's a prick but limiting an adult to one meal on his birthday is weird. Your cupboards and fridge were empty? Nothing to eat at all or was he exaggerating?

Cabella · 06/02/2025 21:23

Maybe the birthday boy/man child's dad could be contacted next year and could send him a card? Then he could moan about you not buying him anything?

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 21:26

FasilBalti · 06/02/2025 21:05

He's a prick but limiting an adult to one meal on his birthday is weird. Your cupboards and fridge were empty? Nothing to eat at all or was he exaggerating?

Oh no. Our cupboards and fridge was full of food. Just not the very specific items that he decided he suddenly wanted on the morning of his birthday. He also knew that I had planned a buffet for another day. I wasn’t limiting him to only one meal.

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RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 21:30

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Thank you. Yes they did mention a non-mol order but they also mentioned that the perpetrator can view the family home as “theirs” and harass/demand entry etc. I also know that he would use it against me that I took his home away from him and I could imagine him pushing boundaries and wanting to come back. A fresh start somewhere completely mine feels safer and healthier. No memories (good or bad) a clean slate for me and the children.

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WigglyVonWaggly · 06/02/2025 21:43

He’s a spoiled, ungrateful, unpleasant man-brat. I’m sad you were treated like this after all you tried to do.

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