DH behaved horribly on his birthday

[RainbowStriped]

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

You do have places to go.

Women's Aid will help you organise something, anything. Really at this point in time anything and anywhere has to be better than this constant weight on your shoulders along with everything else.

The money issue will fix itself in time.

I don't often say this, in fact I never say this but when someone spouts the line "but I've nowhere to go" I put my head in my hands and I despair. You could go to a friend's house for a night or two. You could go to a hotel for a night or two. The key thing is that you actually GO! You leave. With the kids. And you contact Women's Aid and get their help and support.

I completely get that you are terrified about what will happen next but if you leave, guess what - he has NO control over you any more and you and the kids are no longer under the cloud of his depressive episodes and you can breathe for the first time in ages.

This. He has to own the fact that he’s got serious issues around these days, and deal with them before Father’s Day. I’d make it clear that if he does anything other than smile and show gratitude to his DC and you on Father’s Day, your relationship is over and he will have no one.
My Mum died on Mother’s Day weekend. My DC will never have realised that as I make an effort and get on with it.

I appreciate that you are planning to leave, but it's Father's Day in June so I would recommend one of two approaches for that celebration:

1. Ask him to write out exactly what he wants on the day. Ask him to provide details. Alternatively take what happened on his birthday and write out a plan for FD based on that. e.g. Pancakes etc for breakfast, banner on the door, exact cake etc. Then provide it and if he kicks off you can point to the list and say I did exactly what you said you wanted. There is obviously no pleasing you, so there will be no more celebrations until you can express some gratitude.
2. Tell him there is obviously no pleasing him, so there will be no more celebrations until he can express some gratitude.

This way you control the narrative. At least you know he will kick off but you'll have done everything he wants or done nothing at all. Better than being on eggshells about it.

He will kick off, even if do everything the way he wants. He has a unmet need and doesn't know how it can be satisfied. That's on him.

He may be bipolar, he may be autistic. None of that excuses his abusive behaviour. Why he does it isn’t the point, you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

As I said earlier every day you put up with this damages you and your DC. I know how difficult it is to break free, but it won’t be any easier next month or next year. The reverse in fact. Call Women’s Aid today. Again, the Freedom Programme .

Looks like this may be you from last year? The behaviour is identical and clearly abusive to you and the children. You have wanted to leave for a long time and have nearly ended the marriage a few times. What is stopping you calling time forever? It will be a weight lifted.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5098439-horrible-fathers-day-with-dh?page=1

He's behaving like a spoiled brat. Please stop being his mummy.

Normally I would agree with you but this is the OPs (at least) fifth or sixth post since June 2024 about her husband abusing her. Last June she was contacting Women's Aid with a view to leaving.

In the meantime, her children are having to deal with this horrendous and abusive bully in their home.

My point was, there's only so long you can keep posting for advice from others. At some point you need to take action, not just vent to strangers on the internet but continue keeping your children in this toxic and - let's face it - potentially dangerous environment.

You know this is abusive behaviour, right?

I simply cannot believe that a man who can behave like this is the ok side of perfectly normal for the rest of the year. Either he's carrying a level of trauma that will spill out in a million other poor relationship behaviours or he's just choosing to be like this on the days around his birthday, which is worse.

Even if he is traumatised, it's not ok. Most abusers carry some trauma. While it's incredibly sad that yesterday's victims become tomorrow's perpetrators, at some point adults become accountable for their own behaviour and there are no excuses. Your children are learning terrible messages from (a) seeing him do this, and (b) seeing you tiptoe around it.

I suspect this whole relationship is rotten but for some reason (which I'm sure is as understandable as it is mistaken) you're not ready to leave. The trouble is that even if 1,000,000 tell you - or your DH - that he's being unreasonable, nothing will change. The only way to change this dynamic is to remove yourself from it.

OP, you’ve said you’ve nowhere to go, have you looked into what benefits you’d be entitled to if you left? Could you private rent with a benefit top up? Do you work? Do you rent or own with your husband?

I just feel like you probably can’t go on like this for another year and probably need to explore leaving sooner.

I just wanted to say, you sound like a really kind and thoughtful person, with a lot of patience.

You're in a difficult situation. If venting on Mumsnet helps then keep doing it. You shouldn't have to apologise for asking for support if you're going through a hard time. I hope you and your children are able to leave soon.

He can say what he wants but it's not true, if you have a non molestation order against him he will have to leave.

Op I think you should post a new post asking specifically for help on how to get him to leave or how you can get help in the community faster so you can leave sooner.

I get what you're doing, it feels too big to deal with the actual main problem ie your abusive OH so you focus on the more manageable issues, but there are people on here willing able to help you.

I struggled for years with Mothers Day as I don't have a mum (she abandoned me) but I would never sulk and be an arse. I'd be happy and cheerful for anything I had and when the kids were in bed just take literally a minute or two to think to myself my mum is a bitch.

How utterly strange that he has behaved so appallingly.

Wonder why this childish behaviour is triggered by Birthdays and Father's Days?

A throwback to childhood?

Was he the least favoured child?

Wanting banners and balloons as a grown man is very strange indeed.

I'd be so over that kind of behaviour.

If he was a child, people would be saying ''Is he possibly ND?'' that's the usual excuse for bad behaviour, but patience wanes when it's a grown adult.

Maybe next birthday buy him. some bags and tell him to pack them if he's going to be such an arse.

Heck, @RainbowStriped Get yourself and the children away from this awful man.

You can do it.

He's a misery guts.

Edit...as per your Father's Day post...you don't need to 'Ask' for a Divorce, you just go and get a Divorce.

Unreasonable behaviour is reason enough.

Seems like his birthday is an emotional trigger for him R.E. his dad and he's projecting that trauma/disappointment on to you. It would be wise for him to seek therapy for this. His behaviour's not fair on you at all! Remember that he's reliving a childhood hurt, it's not personal, and there's nothing you could have done differently.

@RainbowStriped You must leave. Do your extended family know what he's like? Could they give you some support with leaving him?

Sigh! Another man child!

It’s not funny though is it OP. Don’t wait around until you’ve built up a fund or whatever. Seek legal advice now and get it sorted.

If this is you OP… it is damaging your children. Your poor eldest in particular. What is this teaching him about how to treat women?

I’m not being unkind but is there somewhere else he wanted to be ? With someone else and this is what he was trying to cause and argument to escape. Sulking because he wasn’t really with who he wanted ?

What you are going through is awful but you know this.You need every penny you can and lay your hands on but you are spending large sums of money on him presents,meals out just stop it.Save every penny you can.Are you waiting for social housing because you can wait for years for that.You would be better in emergency housing and you should be housed much quicker.I wish you strength.

noooooooooooooooo. thats not ok.

No matter what emotional upset ANYONE EVER hs endured-it is NOT a free pass to treat the rest of world badly.
get him therapy for his next big event,praps.

I agree with @Onlycoffee op I think you need to post separately about the relationship as a whole and get support for the ea and a plan to leave him, this is way more than a singular incident for AIBU imo.

There is a v supportive thread I'm thinking of that I'll try to find and one poster I'm thinking of in particular, I'll post back if I can find it x

Yeah, no. Now I see you are the OP from my husband threatens divorce all the time, I say bin him off. Start making active plans to end this permanently.