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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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8
LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 12:40

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:30

Oddly he is very good on Mothers Day and my birthday. Mostly I work on Mothers Day and he organises a bag of gifts. I don’t expect anything, I’m happy with the homemade stuff from school. He is good around my birthday and luckily has never behaved badly. It’s his birthday that his got a chip on his shoulder about.

This is not a good enough reason to stay with him.

You need to be the adult here (because he clearly can't be) and you need to get all of your paper work together (passports/bank statements/birth certs/marriage certs/everything) and then go to a solicitor and file for divorce.

It's not acceptable for your kids to be growing up in a household where their father behaves like this and their mother keeps going back for more. I'm not blaming you at all but you will have to be the one to sever the ties that bind you to this man because he won't.

You'll have to put your fingers in your ears when he starts spouting how you were the one to let the marriage fail. You will know that's wrong and you just have to ignore it and let it go. You will know that you gave it your best shot and it was for the safety (mental and otherwise) of the kids, that you had to end it and that is what you would say to someone if they asked.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 12:42

DisabledDemon · 06/02/2025 12:39

What a git.

You should show him this thread and tell him 'By the way, the rest of the world (apart from the incomprehensible 1%) thinks you're a selfish, self-absorbed tosser. Grow up.'

Under no circumstances should you show him this or any other thread that you've written about your circumstances.

That is terrible advice.

This is your safe space and you should feel that you can come back here as often as you need to, in order to off-load and decompress.

LazyArsedMagician · 06/02/2025 12:44

I think I remember your post about Father's Day.

Honestly, he's behaved like an absolute cunt and has clearly been allowed to get away with it for far too long.

For the future, I'd be telling him if he can't behave like a normal human being, then he can fuck off alone because that is what he deserves.

PS - my husband was estranged from his mum when we met (she has since died) and his dad has never given him a card let alone a present - he manages to not behave like a bratty little cunt about those disappointment.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2025 12:45

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:40

No way! I’ll book myself in for an all day spa next year instead 😆

I wouldn't be there next birthday

LoremIpsumCici · 06/02/2025 12:46

DisabledDemon · 06/02/2025 12:39

What a git.

You should show him this thread and tell him 'By the way, the rest of the world (apart from the incomprehensible 1%) thinks you're a selfish, self-absorbed tosser. Grow up.'

Don’t. I voted YANBU, but I don’t agree with this characterisation of him at all. He is a very troubled man who requires mental health support.

penelopelondon · 06/02/2025 12:46

Yalta · 06/02/2025 12:06

His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc

Well if this is how he behaves on his birthday it won’t just be his dad he is estranged from

I think you married someone who thinks and behaves like an entitled 5 year old

He wanted a banner outside the house

He is an adult.

Next year just get him 1 present

Therapy

Terrible advice, You're encouraging her to continue with her abuser. She needs to get out of this awful marriage and give herself that therapy as a present, heal herself and make sure she doesn't fall for another tw-t. She's been groomed for years into accepting abuse and needs psichological help changing that trauma bond and low self esteem.

You can do it OP.

EarthSight · 06/02/2025 12:46

I don't recall many AIBU polls being so unanimous before - 99%!

OP - I'm either assuming he has some narcissistic traits which make him very demanding like this, or he's very very depressed, or he's picking on you for a reason.

Someone on here once said that men often won't leave their partners. They just become progressively worse until she finally accepts the emotional burden of leaving him, of starting that process.

In the case of families, it's sometimes because they want to split up, but don't want to be seen as the bad guy so they want you to leave them. Hence why in my opinion, the majority if divorces are instigated by the wife filing the paperwork.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2025 12:49

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:00

Right now I am stuck unfortunately. I have no where to go. It could well be another year until I’m able to leave for good. If I had somewhere to go I would leave much sooner.

Then put the money you're wasting on him towards your Get Out fund

WellsAndThistles · 06/02/2025 12:50

You're married to a toddler and what an awful thing for your kids to witness.

Get rid of him.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2025 12:50

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:01

I am posting a lot, I apologise. It’s my only form of support and advice at the moment until I break free.

And feel free to carry on.

But include the back story to get proper helpful replies

changedusernameforthis1 · 06/02/2025 12:51

This might be an odd suggestion, but has he considered changing his birthday? Obviously not on documents or anything, but changing when he celebrates it?

I have a lot of trauma from my birthdays in my childhood and for years absolutely hated it each year. One year I was done and decided to change it to a date that meant something to me, a date that changed my life for the better. It actually helped.

That said, I've never, and would never, treat my DW the way your DH treated you and I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that crap. He's amazingly lucky to have you 💐

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2025 12:53

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:03

But there is no support or advice anyone can offer if you choose to stay. You know that right?

Everyone is saying (on this and all your previous posts) that you need to get out. You have contacted Womens Aid. You know you are being abused. And your children are too.

What else can we say?!?!

Of course there is support!

Not everyone can leave Right Now!

But they still need support

@RainbowStriped Please post on Relationships next time. You'll get all the support and advice you need there

Justalittlehandhold · 06/02/2025 12:54

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2025 12:49

Then put the money you're wasting on him towards your Get Out fund

Absolutely this! Your money is best used elsewhere!

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2025 12:54

Conniebygaslight · 06/02/2025 11:14

If this post is real, it's nothing short of outrageous....how can you possibly accept that behaviour and say he's ok usually?

Read her posts

Rosie120 · 06/02/2025 12:58

😂I was actually thinking this can't be true until I read the end where the poor OP said her DH explained the birthday black hole and it reminded me of one year when my DH behaved like a miserable spoilt child opening his presents because his brother hadn't bothered to remember and they have a history of sibling rivalry/issues. So I can actually believe it and OP i can sypathise with how it made you feel. I found it really unattractive (repugnant comes to mind) and we almost came to blows as I ended feeling like I wanted to throw his gifts at him. To be honest I can't imagine a woman behaving like that. It is a very spoiled brat behaviour. My DH apologised after and it hasn't happened since.

WeeOrcadian · 06/02/2025 12:59

Next year - do not even acknowledge his birthday. Buy him nothing. Say nothing.

Cunt

Canttakeitanymore1 · 06/02/2025 13:00

A banner on the front door?? Christ Almighty.

whynotwhatknot · 06/02/2025 13:02

You have bigger problems than his birthday nasty piece of work please get some advice on how to get him out

Tillow4ever · 06/02/2025 13:03

What an absolute fucking twat! Him, not you!

I started off giving benefit of the doubt as my husband would absolutely try to brush off a row without getting to the bottom of it by saying let's start afresh etc so I thought it might be something like that - but the more I read the more I thought what a knobhead. I genuinely don't know how you didn't give him a gobfull.

He's an ungrateful man baby. Clearly he has issues around his birthday and so self sabotages them. It's almost like he WANTS a massive celebration but at the same time WANTS to be proven right that he's going to be let down. Clearly the day before will have been him in a bad mood anticipating the day.

He needs therapy. And he needs it fast if he doesn't want to lose you. IF he's a genuinely good man, husband and father except for these occasions (I saw Father's Day mentioned, are there other occasions) AND he's prepared to go to therapy, I would be prepared to forgive the behaviour and offer to help him. If he can't accept he was out of order and needs to work on himself to stop it happening again, I think I wouldn't bother ever again.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 06/02/2025 13:03

OP you said he is good on other occasions and good at celebrating your birthday. If he is good the rest of the year it seems a bit unnecessary to leave him and break the family up because he gets triggered on his birthday. If you speak to him after some time has passed would he agree that his behaviour wasn't on and that he wants to change? If so, it's something that therapy could certainly help with. He needs to unpick his childhood trauma and change his mindset. I was shocked to hear that you organised balloons and a banner etc for his birthday btw, maybe you both need to dial it down a bit on birthdays.

Newbie8918 · 06/02/2025 13:04

I'd show him exactly what 'fuck all' actually looks like next time.

Tillow4ever · 06/02/2025 13:05

Cocoalover · 06/02/2025 09:42

What an ungrateful man. It's my birthday today, and I am estranged from most of my family. I will be lucky to receive a card from my parents. I got a few small gifts from my partner, which I am grateful for. I don't enjoy birthdays because it highlights the fact that I really don't have many people in my life. But I get on with my day and appreciate the things/people that I do have. I will probably cry later on, but hey, ho, life goes on!

Happy birthday @Cocoalover ! I hope you're having an amazing day CakeFlowers🥳🎉🍾🎁

Havingaswimmoose · 06/02/2025 13:06

changedusernameforthis1 · 06/02/2025 12:51

This might be an odd suggestion, but has he considered changing his birthday? Obviously not on documents or anything, but changing when he celebrates it?

I have a lot of trauma from my birthdays in my childhood and for years absolutely hated it each year. One year I was done and decided to change it to a date that meant something to me, a date that changed my life for the better. It actually helped.

That said, I've never, and would never, treat my DW the way your DH treated you and I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that crap. He's amazingly lucky to have you 💐

This is an idea to consider. Depending on if you're staying.
He's missing his own birthday and fathers day.

We changed our wedding anniversary and we now celebrate the day we first met. We also changed Christmas to another date.

Absolutely last resort idea from me due to husband causing problems.
However it has transformed our life. We can have celebrations. He can have a Christmas.
I did this because I knew for sure I'd stay with him.

We've been together decades and he is very unwell mentally. So, very different circumstances to you OP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/02/2025 13:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mydietstartstomorrow · 06/02/2025 13:11

Halycon · 06/02/2025 09:31

If my DH acted like this (on any day of the year), I think my vagina would permanently seal shut.

What an absolute turn off, a tantruming man child.

Yeah this ⬆️ massive ick I couldn’t unsee