Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Unrelated38 · 06/02/2025 14:23

Hey you don't turn 13 every day you know! You should have made the Prince feel extra special. Hope you gave him a birthday blow job! Although it's illegal to engage in sexual acts with children so best not!

2025willbemytime · 06/02/2025 14:24

Cocoalover · 06/02/2025 09:42

What an ungrateful man. It's my birthday today, and I am estranged from most of my family. I will be lucky to receive a card from my parents. I got a few small gifts from my partner, which I am grateful for. I don't enjoy birthdays because it highlights the fact that I really don't have many people in my life. But I get on with my day and appreciate the things/people that I do have. I will probably cry later on, but hey, ho, life goes on!

Happy birthday. I hear you as I have no family too but a stranger wants to wish you a really happy day and I hope you have the loveliest cake 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈

Soonenough · 06/02/2025 14:26

It's your birthday DH time to grow the fuck up . Arsehole

outerspacepotato · 06/02/2025 14:33

What a shit show the two of you are modeling for your kids. This is now their norm for relationships and marriage.

He behaves like an ass, but you keep letting him back after separating when it's clear neither of you are putting any effort into changing this toxic dynamic.

Big Happy Birthday to @Cocoalover 👑!!!

theemmadilemma · 06/02/2025 14:34

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:35

It’s definitely real! He behaved very badly around Fathers Day last year (I posted about it and how awful he was)

Fuck me, as I was reading your OP was I thinking of your post re Fathers Day without linking it.

He's a cunt and just picks days to be a huge one.

I'd be gone.

2025willbemytime · 06/02/2025 14:35

Post as much as you want. It's your thread and people don't have to read it or post.

This thread is yet another where I wish that MNHQ could use some of their vast profits to rent or a buy small properties dotted around the country so that there always is somewhere to go should someone need to leave. I know it's pie in the sky but it's a wish.

BTW if people don't know, if anyone is fleeing domestic violence there are free rail tickets available. Travel to refuge I think the scheme is called.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 06/02/2025 14:36

kizzyyy · 06/02/2025 13:54

Seems like his birthday is an emotional trigger for him R.E. his dad and he's projecting that trauma/disappointment on to you. It would be wise for him to seek therapy for this. His behaviour's not fair on you at all! Remember that he's reliving a childhood hurt, it's not personal, and there's nothing you could have done differently.

The circle will keep repeating. His behaviour in front of the children with probably make them behave in the same way when they're older. They'll remember how their "father" acted on his birthday and it will forever be a trigger 😔

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 06/02/2025 14:37

I think he picks days to make a scene for maximum impact. The drama must be exhausting.

What a shitty man.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 06/02/2025 14:42

You can’t continue to live like this. It sounds like the birthday behaviour is the tip of the iceberg and to me it feels like he’s on a mission to destroy you. My ex husband told me that was what he was going to do to me, this all sounds similar.
Although it seems impossible to leave or get him to leave take one step. Speak to a solicitor then you’ll have sound information to work from. Ime once you take the first step the rest follow more easily.

Twaddlepip · 06/02/2025 14:44

Jesus Christ, @RainbowStriped. I just read your other thread.

You have got to end the marriage with this cunt. He is a total fucking joke, but what he said about your child is unforgivable.

Timetoheal4good · 06/02/2025 14:45

@RainbowStriped does your DH have narcissistic traits out with this behaviour on this particular day? Is he generally otherwise loving and kind? The reason I ask is this is a very common trait of a narcissist or someone diagnosed with NPD. They tend to want people to feel bad on special occasions and very often derail those days.

Crazybaby123 · 06/02/2025 14:46

God I hate men today. Reading this just confirms my stance that majority are dickheads

Manchesterbythesea · 06/02/2025 14:46

Surely you are talking about your 4 year old and not your dh?

eremition · 06/02/2025 14:48

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 06/02/2025 14:37

I think he picks days to make a scene for maximum impact. The drama must be exhausting.

What a shitty man.

Yes. He picks those days because he knows he can push and push OP and she won’t be able to answer back. Because if she did, she would be the bad one, who is ruining his special day and he would have a reason to punish her (like pissing on her clothes). OP said she had to scream into a pillow. He is waiting for OP to give him a reason.

So no drama, just step back, drop the rope, if you don’t care about him he won’t provoke you. See him for what he is. A turd.

AwaitingFreedom · 06/02/2025 14:55

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:44

You hit the nail on the head there. I really do feel like he’s sending me round the bend. I honestly feel like my mind is unraveling the longer I stay. Sometimes I wish he would just have an affair or worse hit me! because the mind fuckery is so so very insidious.

Then just stop. Learn about grey rocking and dropping the rope. The more you "feed" him with attention the more ammunition he gets to hurt you.

He complains you don't do a big breakfast like you do for the dc - "why would I you don't eat breakfast" Or "you don't do it for me either".

He complains about the amount of presents - oh dear, nevermind, hopefully you will still like them.

Him sulking and not wanting to go out - don't cancel. You and dc can get family time without him. If you were supposed to meet others just say he wasn't feeling well. He can stay at home and cook his own dinner.

When he asks you to jump stop asking how high, and instead just stop jumping.

You cannot change him so you need to change how you react. Grey rocking can bring you peace until you can escape Flowers

AwaitingFreedom · 06/02/2025 14:58

@Cocoalover - Happy birthday and may it be a wonderful day. Treat yourself to flowers, or chocolate, or pizza Flowers

LazyArsedMagician · 06/02/2025 14:59

I think the positive you can take from this is that others will have seen this dreadful behaviour so it won't be a surprise when you can get away.

MrsK89 · 06/02/2025 15:01

Wow. Don't bother next time

LazyArsedMagician · 06/02/2025 15:01

Also - there's actually nothing wrong with being an adult who enjoys celebrating their own or other people's birthdays. It's actually quite nice to be with someone who showers you with gifts and special meals because they love you and want to show you.

What is wrong, is acting like a brat if you don't get that. Or, like this dude, acting like a brat when you do!

Cattery · 06/02/2025 15:07

ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 06/02/2025 10:42

I think you are misinterpreting his expectation. He seems to be in a cycle where he expects you to make a fuss/lots of pressie etc. but not in a good way, more like an excuse so he has a reason to shoot you down because in his head, it’s what he would like to do to his Dad, ‘throw it back in his face’ but I guess he never got to do that. He needs serious therapy.

Totally agree. It’s repressed anger at his father

Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 15:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Kdubs1981 · 06/02/2025 15:10

God I ran out of energy half way through the post. Just divorce him

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 06/02/2025 15:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This is a very good point.

@RainbowStriped You should completely ignore his next birthday/father's day, and then when he complains that you haven't got him anything, say, "Oh, sorry, I forgot. I got you this." And hand him divorce papers.

Obscurial · 06/02/2025 15:17

Haven’t read beyond page1, but holy moly. Is this a significant birthday? Like 40? Sounds like he’s gearing up for a mid life crisis, which will no doubt be blamed on you.

He’s acting like a spoilt child and you appear to have taken up the role of Mum.

Get your ducks in a row time I’m afraid, I’m sorry.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/02/2025 15:18

He's awful.
Whatever you do, it will never be enough.
Run.

Swipe left for the next trending thread