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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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bigvig · 06/02/2025 11:53

You obviously need to leave OP. However if you're stuck for the time being at least deal with the birthday/special day issue. Announce that after this year going forward you don't want to exchange gifts for adults on your birthdays. Instead you will simply pay for the person to have a small family meal out. If they don't want that this can be cancelled on the day. For father's day etc you will give the children 20 pounds to choose something. Job done no more hassle. If he complains point out that all the presents etc can't have been that shit then if he wants them - so why punish you for trying to make his day special? Say he's ruined birthdays for you and are now too triggered to engage. Put the saved money in a leaving fund.

LostittoBostik · 06/02/2025 11:56

2JFDIYOLO · 06/02/2025 11:53

Puberty is a difficult time for all, especially when it appears in this case to have been going on for decades.

I'd show him your write up of what you observed. Every single thing.

Ask all your family to add their observations.

It's time for an intervention.

If you read the whole thread it turns out he's very abusive and this kind of thing could lead to a very dangerous situation for the OP and the children. I don't think it's a great idea

Imbusytodaysorry · 06/02/2025 11:58

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:35

Not yet. This Christmas he was difficult in the days leading up to it and had a couple of twattish moments on the day.

Frankly you are living with a narcissist .
I haven’t read your other post yet , but do you want to leave ?

Daleksatemyshed · 06/02/2025 11:58

He says he's unhappy because he's estranged from his Father and yet talked about putting his own DC into care? He's another abusive man Op, stop pandering to him, look after you and the DC and get to the solicitor. He may say he won't leave but they all say that, your solicitor can help you

Scentedjasmin · 06/02/2025 11:59

If he's going to be like that in future, i would arrange to go away without him. What an absolute prick.

autumndays13 · 06/02/2025 12:03

Keep squirrelling away some funds because I don't think you should spend the rest of your life with this colossal man-baby. We all have issues from our past. That's no excuse for making you feel utterly shit when you're trying so hard to make it nice for him. My DH hates birthdays. He's also autistic and struggles to hide how he feels about gifts, but he at least tries.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 06/02/2025 12:04

I'm so sorry for you OP. I've been in a similar situation and got out.

It's very clear to me that you are placating him to avoid worse behaviour and it makes sense - I did the same.

This isn't just a selfish man who is acting like a child, this is a calculating abuser who is in full abuse mode. The 'generosity' on your birthday is deliberate as it reels you back in. I had the same.

Please try to find support and leave asap.

OssieShowman · 06/02/2025 12:04

My daughter acts up before her birthday. 40+, been going on for years.
She has bi-polar, so I put it down to that.
There’s no excuse, and it’s very hurtful. Nothing is ever good enough.
i gave up trying to please her, so just give her cash now.
Please look into his mental health.
No excuse for him acting like a man child.

Yalta · 06/02/2025 12:06

His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc

Well if this is how he behaves on his birthday it won’t just be his dad he is estranged from

I think you married someone who thinks and behaves like an entitled 5 year old

He wanted a banner outside the house

He is an adult.

Next year just get him 1 present

Therapy

Derbee · 06/02/2025 12:09

Honestly, the way to deal with this is divorce. Assuming he’s an adult, and you’re not illegally married to a 13 year old, there needs to be NO MENTION of his birthday next year. Fucking arsehole

HMW1906 · 06/02/2025 12:10

Well I’d be cancelling the buffet in a few days. Fuck that! If he wants to go around saying you’ve done nothing then you might as well do nothing!

ChristmasPudd1990 · 06/02/2025 12:12

HMW1906 · 06/02/2025 12:10

Well I’d be cancelling the buffet in a few days. Fuck that! If he wants to go around saying you’ve done nothing then you might as well do nothing!

I didn't realise about the buffet coming up. Definitely cancel and let him know you won't put yourself and the children through this every birthday and from now on,no more celebrations as you just can't do it anymore 😔

BobbyBiscuits · 06/02/2025 12:12

That really is inexcusable. He woke up grumpy, fair enough. But he was constantly undermining you at every single turn. It's the rudest most childish behaviour I've ever heard of in an adult.
He wanted a banner on the front door?
There's no ice cream?
Why can't we have 6000 calories worth of food?
I want a loving Facebook post?
Hates all his presents?
What a disgrace. And I'm so pleased the kids told him how ungrateful he was being.

Honestly I think I'd consider leaving. Unless he swore and vowed he would never ever act that way again and profusely apologised. And actually made it up to you as he ruined his own fucking birthday!

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 12:13

OssieShowman · 06/02/2025 12:04

My daughter acts up before her birthday. 40+, been going on for years.
She has bi-polar, so I put it down to that.
There’s no excuse, and it’s very hurtful. Nothing is ever good enough.
i gave up trying to please her, so just give her cash now.
Please look into his mental health.
No excuse for him acting like a man child.

He was close to being diagnosed with bipolar but never attended his follow up appointments.

OP posts:
ChristmasPudd1990 · 06/02/2025 12:13

He actually sounds like my brother in law. He demands month long birthday celebrations and goes into a sulk if he isn't spoiled. He's a narcissist.

Gemmawemma9 · 06/02/2025 12:19

Honestly op the repeated drip feeds re his mental health and potentially having autism just look like you’re making excuses for him.
This behaviour is not just around birthdays he’s like this all the time. He is abusive, stop looking for excuses and protect yourself and your kids.

Yalta · 06/02/2025 12:21

Why would you spend anymore money on him. You organised the lunch and his buffet and his presents and cards and he was angry

What would be the difference if you spent nothing on him and didn’t organise anything
He would still be angry

So why bother putting yourself out

Does ne hang banners outside for your birthday, does he organise meals out with your family

Does he organise presents and a special breakfast for you?

LoremIpsumCici · 06/02/2025 12:23

His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

Ok that makes his insecurity and expectation of a shitty birthday understandable, but he can’t be repeatedly setting you up to fail by insisting on “surprises” with no hint to you of what he would like and then using you as an emotional punching bag for his Daddy issues when you fail per his self-fulfilling prophecy.

I would say as much to him and tell him you aren’t having it anymore. It’s a toxic cycle. He needs to

  • Get some therapy on his childhood focusing on how it is negatively affecting his relationships with you and the kids. Access it through work or a charity or even a helpline of you can’t afford private.
  • From now on, tell you what he would like for his birthday celebrations from presents to meals to outings. That you want him to enjoy his birthday and you keep trying because you do love & care for him but he needs to give you input.

This I would gently try and propose after a bit of therapy discussing his childhood that a big birthday meal with his family might need to be stopped. I think some of his reactions are the stress of it coming up, the pressure to play happy families, the reminder his Dad isn’t there and never cared. He’d be better off deciding on a day trip away with you and the kids - his actual family that has always been there for him then trekking to a family birthday meal that is mostly about keeping up the public appearances.

I saw the Fathers Day thing too, yeah he needs therapy. I grew up with an abusive mum and Mothers Day is difficult for me. I’ve had therapy so I’m not being a twat all day, but I can imagine that a man who had a toxic Dad would need therapy to address all those feelings and be able to overcome them enough to feel he deserves to enjoy Father’s Day instead of sinking into a black hole of grieving the father he should have had.

Yalta · 06/02/2025 12:30

Get a divorce because he isn’t old enough to be married let alone have children

Pogpog21 · 06/02/2025 12:32

What a baby! Don’t most adults work on their birthday?!?

Daleksatemyshed · 06/02/2025 12:36

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 12:13

He was close to being diagnosed with bipolar but never attended his follow up appointments.

That makes it worse Op, he was close to a diagnosis and hopefully some medical help and he deliberately didn't go back. He prefers to abuse you than try and sort himself out, no excuse for that

peachgreen · 06/02/2025 12:37

I understand why it's hard to leave, OP. But until you can, you can at least stop hoping to please him. You'll never succeed. Keep what you can of your sanity and dignity, and focus all your energy on getting yourself and your children away from him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/02/2025 12:37

Justalittlehandhold · 06/02/2025 09:35

Make sure next birthday of his, you’re separated.

I don’t think I’ve ever read of an adult acting so unbelievably ungrateful or rude.

This really. A decent person doesn’t treat someone else who is being loving towards them in the way he’s treated you.

DisabledDemon · 06/02/2025 12:39

What a git.

You should show him this thread and tell him 'By the way, the rest of the world (apart from the incomprehensible 1%) thinks you're a selfish, self-absorbed tosser. Grow up.'