DH behaved horribly on his birthday

[RainbowStriped]

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

What an arsehole.

His behaviour is pathetic. Do nothing for his birthdays in future (if you can bear to stay with such a person) and remind him of how he acted. Nothing you do will be good enough so save yourself the hassle

Interesting for me as well. I'm pretty sure my husband is autistic.

I see autism has been mentioned. A family member, who is autistic, struggles with big events, including their own and other people's. They have learned as an adult how to behave though.
I think there's a vision of how it is going to be/should be, but it is never that way however hard someone tries - or at least this seems the case with our family. They learn that it's just not going to be as hoped over the years and have complete stress then in the build up to it. However, they have to recognise what polite behaviour is, and how to appreciate effort and generally how to behave in society, however hard they may find that. It's also ok to have boundaries and expectations of everyone, autistic, ND, or NT. Don't be afraid to lay this out - your partner's behaviour was rude and appalling - doesn't matter where his stress originated from, it's not acceptable.
If it's hard for him and he's cross then he should have learned this about himself by now and plan to avoid inflicting carp on everyone. He could choose to 'cancel' celebrations, lay out what he is ok with, or go have a mini paddy on his own and away from the people who love him and tried so hard.
I've not seen the other thread but hope you get to leave soon, and it's ok to tell the kids their Dad just can't behave on celebrations, he ruins it for himself too, and they're best ignoring it - and not being like that themselves!

There will never be a "good" time to leave an abusive relationship, if you have a plan in place and will be able to save up a specific amount of money in the next six months, a relatives property will be come available for you in nine months, your youngest starts school in September so you'll be able to work and support yourself etc then fair enough. Stay til then and no longer.

But the longer you drift in this the worse your mental and emotional wellbeing will be and the less likely you will be to have the strength and clarity you need to do what you need to do as time goes on.

There is no better time to take action than today. Speak to Womens Aid again about doing this safely, I am sure there are undisclosed factors here that will need taking into consideration and they can help you.

This is such a dysfunctional situation for you and your children, if you can't drag yourself out of the shit please do it for them.

"banner on our front door" hahahaha bless him.

I find that my birthday, Xmas, Mother's and Father's Days all stir up a lot of conflicting and difficult feelings in me, for a range of reasons connected to family issues and dynamics as well as my feelings about myself. So I definitely get that these can be loaded and challenging days.
However, I have a wonderful DP and friends who like to celebrate me on my birthday, and some family who send cards/call me etc, and when anyone gives me a card/present, or sends a nice message, or phones, I've always been polite and grateful and told them thank you and how lovely etc. I have in the past kept my birthday very quiet, asked my DP if we can only do something extremely low-key etc, but I have never sulked or stropped about it.
Because even though I'm sometimes having a hard time, I'm an adult and I know I'm lucky.
Your husband is an abuser.

Fucking hell, you've got the patience of a saint. I'd have walked out for the day after the breakfast moaning. I CERTAINLY wouldn't have been laying out gifts and cutting his cake. I was actually cringing at the thought of him sitting there amongst his banners and balloons with crossed arms and a down turned mouth like a overtired 5 year old. I'd have to tell him how much of a twat he looked in front of everyone and how embarrassing it was.
I really hope you manage to leave soon OP. On the plus side, your kids sound great and I'd be so proud of them for telling their dad he was ungrateful. Good for them.

Op sorry to be so anal but surely the family already know you are doing a party in a few days... surely they are invited so why are the family asking if they already know 🤔

Absolutely not.
However the post (which I can’t delete unfortunately) was in response to the impression that a normally lovely man went completely off the rails one day of the year, in a way that makes absolutely no sense but does totally align with the way a lot of autistic - specifically PDA - people behave on birthdays according to the lived experience of them and their carers.

Yes, he tends to do that in the morning when getting the kids ready, will do a job completely unrelated to what really needs to be done in the moment.
He just came up to me and said with a smile - are you going to apologise for the way you’ve treated me? Are you going to say sorry?

can’t go into too much detail here but to give some idea - at the time I posted for advice and a couple of comments said it was one of the worst things they had ever read on Mumsnet.
It was related to how he was speaking to and about our youngest who had recently been diagnosed with a life long intellectual (severe) disability. I also didn’t feel safe around him and felt like he would snap and hurt either himself, one of us or do something very stupid. He said he had a mental breakdown but the things he said about our child were so awful and unforgivable. He also threatened to put our child into care. I didn’t take lightly “kicking him out” I really did not feel safe around him and his behaviour was erratic.

These are posts from one of the OP's other threads.

He sounds fucking unhinged. Get out asap, seriously. He's deliberately trying to send you round the bend - it's utterly insidious.

If anyone spoke about my child in that way it would be the last time they ever had that opportunity.

I know you're scared OP and you feel like you don't have options but seriously, this man sounds dangerous. You need to speak to a solicitor or womens aid about your rights.

Why are you still with him?

What the hell have I just read !
I don’t know what you are going to do about this but I think I’d start by saying “I will
be doing nothing for your birthday moving forward “ finished done and I will be telling the people who made any effort to buy for you or a company you for your birthday not to bother as you are a dick .

You cannot facilitate his behaviour that nobody would put up with for a small child.

God love you OP.
It genuinely is so awful for children to be around this.
It reminds me of my late father who spoiled every happy occasion with his narcissism.
As soon as adulthood hit he was excluded as was my mother who excused him.

They missed every happy moment in my life for 30 years as I deliberately excluded them.

I am so sorry for you and your children.
Don't defend his behaviour.
Spell it out to them every time.
Tell them, "I'm so sorry kids, Dad behaved really badly and ruined that special time we were having, it was very wrong of him".....I guarantee you, you will be preparing them for the split, when it comes, and they will fully understand why.

Bless you and them.

It's hard to go. It's hard to stay gone. It took me 7 or 8 goes to leave for good. It took lots of support and therapy to stay away. Staying away was a matter of life or death in the end because the violence escalated so much. @RainbowStriped this is happening to you and your kids. Only you can end it. Your kids don't have the power to but unfortunately they are being subjected to it.

You hit the nail on the head there. I really do feel like he’s sending me round the bend. I honestly feel like my mind is unraveling the longer I stay. Sometimes I wish he would just have an affair or worse hit me! because the mind fuckery is so so very insidious.

You poor thing.
At least he only has one birthday per year.

I agree with giving him a form to fill out a month before his birthday to assist him not behaving like a huge spoilt pig.
Include the idea that you make a large donation to a charity of his choice instead of gifts for himself. Gifts bring him no joy; he might rather benefit others and mark the occasion by being generous.

Why is he estranged from his father?
Can you suggest he goes to see him and reconnects?

If someone’s name changed, I don’t think it’s right to link their other posts (unless it’s a troll - in which case take it to the mods.)

Some people were suggesting OP show her husband this thread. She can’t do that now this other post with an escape plan’s been linked.

OP, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Do you think he could get better with therapy? Or is it a case of trying to conserve your energy and plan to separate?

It’s one thing not moving out- although your children may never forgive you for this- but it’s another that you try to please him on his birthday,? Why do that? He's a horrible person. Don’t try anymore. Build a wall. Show your kids how to behave in the face of such treatment

He says he's abusive because he's

Sometimes I wish he would just have an affair or worse hit me! because the mind fuckery is so so very insidious

This makes so much sense. It really does. You don't need a reason that other people will judge good enough for you to leave, this is all part of the abusive situation.

You don't need him to hit you or to have an affair so you have proof. Your word is proof. You don't need to justify it, not even to him.

Nobody is going to come in with a clipboard one day and tell you that yes, you've suffered enough, tried hard enough, and you're now free to leave.

You can give yourself that permission. You are in fact the only one that can give yourself permission to leave.

You hit the nail on the head there. I really do feel like he’s sending me round the bend. I honestly feel like my mind is unraveling the longer I stay. Sometimes I wish he would just have an affair or worse hit me! because the mind fuckery is so so very insidious.

Its not uncommon for victims of mental abuse to wish their h would just hit them so they have "an excuse" to leave. What you need to understand is that you don't need an excuse, your unhappiness is enough. you can tell all your friends and family what he has been doing to you - show them these threads if you like - but ultimately all that matters is protecting you and your children. YOU know the truth. It doesn't matter what other people think, and the ones who take his side (probably his own family) aren't worth bothering about anyway.

Life is short and precious and you are wasting time staying with this man whom you are desperately unhappy with. Imagine how nice it would be to be free of him? To not have to cater to his unreasonable demands all the time.

Have you looked at the freedom programme OP?

Also read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

This !

Nobody is going to come in with a clipboard one day and tell you that yes, you've suffered enough, tried hard enough, and you're now free to leave.
You can give yourself that permission. You are in fact the only one that can give yourself permission to leave.

Exactly this.

Puberty is a difficult time for all, especially when it appears in this case to have been going on for decades.

I'd show him your write up of what you observed. Every single thing.

Ask all your family to add their observations.

It's time for an intervention.