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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:11

eremition · 06/02/2025 11:05

Abuser and autistic. The only thing they have in common is that both start with an A.

It explains the bizarre behaviour. It doesn’t excuse it or make it acceptable.

AnotherDayAnotherIdea · 06/02/2025 11:11

He sounds like Verruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate factory. A bad egg.

Is he always like this on his birthday?

sugarapplelane · 06/02/2025 11:11

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:26

I was close to walking out. Honestly I was dreading that meal and just wanted the day to be over with. He said just now that he felt like me and the children were making fun of him/laughing at him calling him ungrateful. He sees absolutely no fault in how he behaved.

So how are you going to manage this going forwards. He behaves like this every year, so what are you going to do differently next year? Go away a few days before his Birthday, go and stay with a Family member or something. Get him therapy to get to the root cause of his problems or LEAVE HIM

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:11

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:10

If he’s your husband, you get yourself to a solicitor TODAY.

They will make an ex parte application for a non molestation order (so he can’t contact you) and an occupation order (stopping him coming to the house).

In a few weeks he will get a chance to defend it, but in the interim, if you and your kids have been subjected to abuse, it should be granted.

I do have the number for a solicitor experienced in EA/DA. I need to phone them for advice. He’s told me he won’t be the one to leave. It would have to be me.

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:12

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:10

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? If the answer is no then you have absolutely no clue how difficult it can be to finally break free especially when coercive control and emotional abuse are involved. Honestly I would walk out right now if I had anywhere to go but I don’t and he won’t leave either.

I haven't been in an abusive relationship thankfully. However I had a neighbour who was. She stayed and stayed "for the kids" and because she said she had "nowhere else to go".

She left it too late sadly and never got chance to leave.

I don't mean to scare you OP but these are the consequences you may well end up facing if you don't act and protect yourself and your children.

Devilsmommy · 06/02/2025 11:13

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:03

Please see later post after more was posted and I realised it was not just a one off linked to his birthday!

I am unfortunately well aware that it’s abuse.

The original post really screamed out that it was specific to birthday and the behaviour does scream autism. OP confirmed she suspects he’s autistic.

The rest, yes it’s just abuse. This isn’t about a birthday. My original comment was related to what seemed to be an isolated set of very strange, anxious behaviour around a particular event (his birthday). I didn’t realise the OP has posted reams of other posts and is keeping her children in an abusive home with an abusive person. I just thought her husband was being really, really weirdly about his birthday.

I'm sorry but no, he's not autistic, he's just a complete abusive twat. Saying it's autism is just an excuse to try and justify the behaviour.

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:13

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:11

I do have the number for a solicitor experienced in EA/DA. I need to phone them for advice. He’s told me he won’t be the one to leave. It would have to be me.

He doesn’t get to say that.

Please call a solicitor today. You don’t need women’s aid, you need a solicitor.

Stop posting on forums, stop traumatising your children.

CALL A SOLICITOR. They WILL help you.

NoTouch · 06/02/2025 11:13

I would have no patience for that. I would have told him at breakfast to stop acting like a child and let me know when he was out of his stupid mood and left him to it. Told him if he was going to be in a mood all day to cancel meeting his family later. I wouldn't have been pandering to it and trying to "fix" whatever was going on in his head.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 11:14

Waiting to leave is one thing. Failing to appreciate the impact the dynamic is having on your children, and fucking around bending over backwards for birthday celebrations is another. The least you can do, and probably the most important thing that you can do to help you're children is to show them that you know and understand that things are very bad, they feel awful because they are awful, you understand what they are going through, and you are doing your best to get a more peaceful safe home set up.

And then truly do that. Not dance around with balloons and banners.

If you cannot do this, get help, until you can.

Look up cognitive dissonance. Your children are behaving one way, because they are hard wired to keep themselves safe even when everything around them is going to shit. This is nothing to be proud of.

You are not coping, you need support so you can help them. If you need advice on how to get help, how to get out safely, how to best help and protect your children post away.

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:14

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:13

He doesn’t get to say that.

Please call a solicitor today. You don’t need women’s aid, you need a solicitor.

Stop posting on forums, stop traumatising your children.

CALL A SOLICITOR. They WILL help you.

Sorry, I mean Women’s Aid will be a great help with Freedom Programme, talking etc.

But to deal with this practically, they can’t do that. You need a solicitor and you need one today.

Saggyknickers · 06/02/2025 11:14

What a gigantic arse. I cannot even comprehend....madness!

It sounds made up it's so bonkers.

I'm betting he's an absolute wanker a lot of the time.

Conniebygaslight · 06/02/2025 11:14

If this post is real, it's nothing short of outrageous....how can you possibly accept that behaviour and say he's ok usually?

eremition · 06/02/2025 11:15

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:10

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? If the answer is no then you have absolutely no clue how difficult it can be to finally break free especially when coercive control and emotional abuse are involved. Honestly I would walk out right now if I had anywhere to go but I don’t and he won’t leave either.

So a buffet it is then. Good luck. Don’t forget his banner and balloons. Maybe a crown too. Or he might piss on your clothes.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 11:16

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:33

He treats me well on my own birthday but there’s a pattern of him behaving badly around his own birthday.

Based on this update @RainbowStriped - what I would say to him is the following:
"DH - I am letting you know now, that for any future birthday you want celebrating for you (the kids & I are unaffected by this) - I will need to know the following ahead of time or there will be zero effort put in to celebrating your birthday based on how you behaved on X day last week-

  1. do you want breakfast in bed or not
  2. Do you want lunch out or not
  3. Do you want X or not
  4. Do you want Y or not
  5. Do you want Z or not
  6. Insert your own questions at this point
You are setting a terrible example of throwing a tantrum when things don't go the way you expected they would in your head but in real life. Our kids are after seeing their adult father behaving like a toddler throwing a tantrum when things didn't go the way they were expecting. I can't know how you were expecting things to go because you always go on like this and you simply cannot shift the goal posts at the last minute (use the example of him not normally having breakfast here). What have you got to say about it?"

He probably doesn't like the concept that he's a year older, a year closer to retirement, a year closer to popping his clogs but it happens to every one of us so he'd better learn to deal with it sooner rather than later and put on a better face next year or you simply won't bother acknowledging his birthday at all!

ForZanyAquaViewer · 06/02/2025 11:20

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:11

I do have the number for a solicitor experienced in EA/DA. I need to phone them for advice. He’s told me he won’t be the one to leave. It would have to be me.

So, why haven’t you phoned them? You say you’re biding your time as you prepare to leave - what does that involve? Are you actually doing anything?

  • What’s your financial situation? Do you have a job or other income stream?
  • Have you checked what (if any) benefits you’re entitled to?
  • Do you own your home?
  • What family/friends/support network do you have around you?
  • How old are your kids? Are they all in school? Are there any additional needs?

If you start a post and give this info, people will be able to give support and guidance on leaving. As opposed to just chatting about how awful he is (as he is awful).

Hamletscigar · 06/02/2025 11:20

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 10:52

I am not jumping to neurodivergence on a whim, but this is VERY typical of autism, according to the many, many, support groups I’m in. The whole thing just jumped out at me - and it’s apparently common in adults too.

The behaviour is mind blowingly ridiculous but it does make me wonder?

But this suggests neurodivergent people are complete assholes?

Lavenderblossoms · 06/02/2025 11:20

Jesus what a brat!

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 11:21

ForZanyAquaViewer · 06/02/2025 11:20

So, why haven’t you phoned them? You say you’re biding your time as you prepare to leave - what does that involve? Are you actually doing anything?

  • What’s your financial situation? Do you have a job or other income stream?
  • Have you checked what (if any) benefits you’re entitled to?
  • Do you own your home?
  • What family/friends/support network do you have around you?
  • How old are your kids? Are they all in school? Are there any additional needs?

If you start a post and give this info, people will be able to give support and guidance on leaving. As opposed to just chatting about how awful he is (as he is awful).

This.

PeppyTealDuck · 06/02/2025 11:21

One thing you can do right now is stop reacting to him. Who cares about his mood. Who cares if he’s off somewhere in a strop or if he is getting angry or disappointed. You stop caring, and you will feel a weight off your shoulders. He will lose his drama queen audience.

TheignT · 06/02/2025 11:22

Is he like this every year? My husband hates his birthday so I do nothing. I mention not knowing what to buy him a few weeks before and he says he wants nothing. Just before his birthday he will say he's seen something on Amazon so I say I'll order it.

I think he has an issue with another year nearer the grave, he doesn't like new year either. He's fine otherwise and generous with everyone else's birthdays do I just accept he's funny about his birthday.

Your husband sounds equally miserable but nasty with it. Is it worth asking him how he'd actually like to celebrate it?

Sj07 · 06/02/2025 11:23

Aww hopefully it's just a phase and hopefully next year when he turns 4 and becomes a big boy he will behave better 🙄 what a big overgrown baby.

Lavenderblossoms · 06/02/2025 11:23

Hamletscigar · 06/02/2025 11:20

But this suggests neurodivergent people are complete assholes?

This. I am so so so tired of people suggesting dick head behaviour is ND.

And then wonder why people don't take us seriously when this absolute shit is trotted out on here again and again.

Guess what! Some people are just arseholes. Yes you can be ND and be an arsehole at the same time.

I don't know any ND adult that would act this way at the amount of effort made for this birthday. I would be soooo overjoyed and grateful.

comeondover · 06/02/2025 11:24

Aagh I pressed the wrong button, sorry! I don't think I can change it. YANBU

BeLilacSloth · 06/02/2025 11:25

Just reading half of what you wrote made me so angry, how dare he treat you like this!! My DH got me a moonpig card for my birthday, left me to go to work and we went out for dinner in the evening, I would never expect someone to go to the lengths you have and to continue complaining about all the lovely things you’ve done is unbelieveable. I honestly think i’d consider leaving him.

Tcateh · 06/02/2025 11:25

Op I can hear your desperation within your descriptions.

Don't let him dictate or tell you who leaves etc.
That's just another thing that will make it seem all impossible to face.

It's not up to him.

I can imagine how very hard it is to live in this situation and find any clarity or strength to leave.
That's not including the practical stuff.

Your mental health is going to get worse, and the worse it gets the longer you will be ground down and less able to arrange anything.

I think people are saying, do it, get out.

Give yourself permission to leave.

Literally sit opposite a chair and imagine you are sitting in front of you. Like as if you had a friend sat there.

Tell the 'you' it's ok to make a change.

Honestly flip it to make the thought process clearer for yourself and your well being. It's very hard but try it.

And when you get the feeling that it makes perfect sense then hopefully you'll find more self belief and strength.

Xxx

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