Saw dh phone

[rufiooooo]

Dh and I have a very irregular sex life. Posted about it many times here before. He claims low libido and takes Viagra for ED. I have tried not to make an issue out of it and have compromised on once a month, tried to be understanding as I believed he had anxieties around sex and it was just a case of mismatched libidos. We otherwise have a good relationship, small dc and get on well.

I just saw an alert pop up on his phone saying that his only fans subscription hasn't gone out due to him having a new card. I am absolutely gutted. I have told him he might want to look at sorting his card out as his OF payment of £14.95 hasn't come out. I said it's great to know you have no libido to have a healthy sex life with your wife but you can happily pay strangers on the internet.

We are both off work today and I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here?

I actually feel like something has switched inside me and I'm no longer going to accept the crumbs he throws at me which are probably more out of duty than out of genuine desire.

I don't want to split up. I don't want to uproot my kids and go through the stress of not seeing them. At least not when they are so young.

I feel like telling him we can draw a line under that side of our relationship. Live together civilly, he can do what he wants regarding OF or whatever and I'll do what I want. Not like I have an army of men knocking down the door to shag me of course but I'm just done with this utter shambles from him.

This 👆☝️👆☝️

Tavistock affiliated is a good start

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OP, it's clear that he's got the libido. But not for you. I do not see that your marriage has a future.

I'd say that was bollocks! That's putting OP down as being sexually undesirable, which is basically making her into the "problem" here. When it's clearly her DH who has the sexual issues going on.

Why, as women who are actively open to sex with partners, should we be considered as "not enough"? If we're not particularly floating that males "sexual boat"?...

If OPs partner had said from the off 'I need a foot wank to get me off' (or whatever). Then that's workable, it's a choice, an active decision you can make. You're either into giving foot wanks, or not too fussed, or you're "omg, I hate feet. It's not for me!". And all of those situations are absolutely fine!. They're choice based, they're setting your stall out. They are you saying your sexual boundaries to a partner, who will then state theirs, and their own limits/boundaries/wants/needs.

All great! But if I married someone, and 3yrs later he told me "I can't get hard unless I shit on your face"... Then I would divorce him. Because I wouldn't do that, and I'm bloody sure I'd have expected it to have been mentioned before!

Mobile phones have not made us happier, have they? Everyday on MN someone seems to discover from the phone that their partner is doing something illicit. Gone are the days when we lived in blissful ignorance.

Or it just makes it easier to find out they're cheating? Who wants to live in ignorance?

@rufiooooo The lack of communication is directly connected to the lack of physical sex.

Good sex = good communication / intimacy.

That isn't to say this situation is easily solved, but if you want to save the marriage I'd say the starting point is a lot of good and honest communication. A lot, and quite possibly he'll resist that.

You have just said something really interesting and I just want to have my say.
Is porn addictive? Maybe some people can just have high sex drives?
By making such a bold statement to suggest someone has an addiction to porn is suggesting they have "problems/issues".
It's natural to get turned on by sex. So what's considered "normal" to you?
The wanting of "arousal" is more common than you think, so can you really say it's an addiction that possibly requires treatment? As all addictions require some kind of intervention right?
I'd say it's probably more "normal" statistically to enjoy watching porn so therefore shouldn't be assumed that it's a "bad" addiction. Lots of people watch porn, so do lots of people have an issue with their health? Food for thought I'm sure!

I think it's disrespectful of him to not share the full picture with you regarding his issues and why he's watching OF - you need an explanation not an off the cuff excuse.

How would he feel if you said you had low sex drive but could manage once a month if you had alcohol, then he found out you were doing what he's doing behind his back?

It's not like he doesn't know you're dissatisfied with once a month sex but then he's shutting himself away somewhere, doing what he's doing and paying for it while you're doing what?

How are things likely to change if he won't talk about it but carried on oggling other women online doing their thing?

He's taking the pee, totally ignoring your needs which you'd like to share with him and satisfying himself instead.

ED is complicated but he really isn't doing anything to help you both or your relationship.

Menopause can rob a woman of any libido, not a lot she can do about it except explain what's happening. The thought of sex disgusted me for a few years but it's swung the other way past couple of years. Then my husband had to start taking blood pressure meds a year ago and now has ED so roles have reversed, it's awful but I get it, we've talked about it all so that we both fully understand. Being shut out wouldn't help either of us.

“We otherwise have a good relationship, small dc and get on well.”

I completely agree. Given you have young kids I’d take up the offer of therapy but I don’t think I could get past the betrayal. He seems intent on not having a meaningful sex life within the marriage. Even with ED he could prioritise physical intimacy and your pleasure if it was important enough.

I feel like telling him we can draw a line under that side of our relationship. Live together civilly, he can do what he wants regarding OF or whatever and I'll do what I want. Not like I have an army of men knocking down the door to shag me of course but I'm just done with this utter shambles from him.

I wonder how he would feel about this. Or about you using an equivalent site for women.

OP - you’ve got one short life. Make sure you spend it where you are happy, where you feel love. If it’s not with him, so be it.

You might once you drop the sec with him .
You can put your best self out there and re blood your confidence .

He made all the choices of how your marriages was to be and still
is . Take control back he can have OF and you can date and have sex .

I had this with my ex too. “It’s not real life”
He soon changed his tune when I asked how he would feel to find the same thing on my phone.
If you’re able to check his phone, check his emails for any evidence of other subscriptions. That’s how I found most of my ex’s secrets after seeing one thing pop up. Finding out the full extent may help you make your mind up.

Please don’t keep yourself in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children. My son is so much happier now that I’m happier. He’s adapted really well to the change despite being autistic.

Yes it is a 'big deal' because he's choosing to fill his sexual needs with other women screen or not doesn't matter leaving you alone, horny, sexually frustrated and with your self esteem down the drain while he wanks in the other other room to "sheila from Oxford" (just made up the name). He then attempts to gaslight you into thinking "it's not a big deal", well it is a big effing deal for you he just doesn't care (that alone itself is another big deal in itself).

It all depends in how important sex is for you and how willing you are to put up with this for the rest of your life, personally this should erode my relationship with a partner, my self esteem and would lead to me finding my sexual needs elsewhere. I would tell him that: if he's going to find other women to meet his sexual needs you're going to do the same, fair game.

Don't be absurd, my post put nobody down. Read it again, it's short.

Good for you.
Personally I wouldn't even bother telling him, I would just get on with it.

It is possible that your DH has not deliberately misled you from the start of your relationship, he may have thought/hoped that his kink/low libido/ED would be less important in a loving marriage. However, he has definitely been dishonest and ignored many opportunities to take responsibility and help his wife. Your latest update reinforces that.

If you decide you want to stay married you need to stop putting your own wants and needs second. He's not doing that for you. Although you don't want to disrupt your family I think that his lies and selfishness may affect how feel about his behaviour in other areas of family life. Do you actually like him, at the moment?

Agree, it's a fact he's not having sex with OP but gets off on OF.

OP says it's communication that's the issue so that needs to be worked on.

But also says she's done and he can do what he wants.

Be careful with this OP as if he's like some we've read about on here, he'll soon meet someone, get them pregnant or whatever and end up leaving anyway.

Or he'll be brazen about it, making you uncomfortable in your own home.

Agree with @SernieBanders , in that it can be an addiction, same as some people can have one drink and others need five.

If you don't want to be with him then have control of how your future plays out.
No point raising kids in a household full of resentment and uncertainty.

I can see why you think your plan is a good one @rufiooooo but it will cause you pain in the end and confusion for your children, while he gets to carry on as he is and would be happy. Please reconsider. Too many people stay for the kids and it is rarely the best idea.

@Delphiniumandlupins at the moment no, I can't really stand the sight of him and have spent the last 3 days trying to avoid him as much as possible.

I am very tempted to tell him to draw a line under that area of our relationship because currently nobody is getting anything from it. And it leads to tension, uncertainty and disappointment. However the idea of me going off and doing my own thing isn't something I want deep down. I don't want sex with other people, I want a happy life with my dh.

I would be wary of giving him carte blanche sexually, OP. You have no idea what he will bring into your lives and your marriage. You can withdraw from sex (and you should) without telling him he can do what he likes.
He's a man with a fetish you are not interested in, one that you consider a bit silly and juvenile. He has developed a porn habit to explore this fetish and now has an OF subscription. Yet he is still telling you he has no libido and has to take viagra to perform with you on the rare occasions you can persuade him. Think about it. Men with fetishes, porn habits and OF subscriptions usually have raging libidos.
He has repeatedly lied to you and you still have not got to the truth. He has betrayed you sexually. One minute the OF site is to let him explore his feelings and he doesn’t masturbate to it. The next, “it’s just a wank site”. One minute he’s embarrassed about his sexual issues but you’ve discovered his devastating secret and he’s brazening it out, telling you it’s no big deal. Most men in that position would be mortified.
Sex is the glue that keeps a healthy relationship together over all the ups and downs - at least it ought to be. You have v young children but he can’t even be bothered to invest in your needs and your marriage. I’m sorry to say it and you don’t deserve it but I’d be amazed if he is monogamous. Definitely don’t tell him you’ll live as co-parenting flatmates and he can do what he likes for sex. He’ll be delighted and you’ll have even more grief to deal with.

Of course you want to be happy with him, but that's not something he is able to offer you. Unless he makes the choice to change.
You don't have to have sex with anyone else, but you should find a way to center your self worth, confidence and happiness somewhere other than your marriage, because it will mess with you if you continue to hope that he will change.
And if a day should come where you do want to leave, you shouldn't feel guilty or responsible.