Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son is scruffy and i don't care

194 replies

EwwwwwwDavid · 06/02/2025 00:21

But my husband does.

My son (11) comes home from high school with muddy shoes, muddy trousers, and today came home with a cut in his jumper. He comes home each day having drawn over his hands and arms, which sometimes creates ink stains on his shirts.

I'm fed up of replacing shirts - they are clean, just stained.
He has cut a slit into his trousers out of boredom.
He cut his jumper intentionally, don't know why.

He isn't a bad kid at all, it's not naughtiness, it could be inattentive ADHD but if it is it's mild.

None of this really bothers me in the sense that he has clean clothes every day, goes to school relatively well-kept, and I believe it's all part of the high school transition.

But I don't want to clean his shoes for him.
I don't want to keep replacing clothes, especially logoed items.
I don't want to keep mending clothes he intentionally damages.
I'm happy to let him go in clean but scruffy - and ALL the lads he is friendly with come out of school an absolute mess.

My husband strongly disagrees and thinks I should do the above. He has said he will do the mending if I won't (he can't sew). He thinks the teachers will judge DS and people will "think we are poor" (like thats an insult 🙄).

But I've never cared much about appearance so maybe IABU.

Would appreciate thoughts.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 06/02/2025 00:28

Why does your husband think you should do it all? If he feels so strongly about it, why can't he do it all?

Though, at 11, he can clean his own shoes and use pocket money to replace uniform that he has intentionally damaged.

junebirthdaygirl · 06/02/2025 00:47

I agree with you. I have taught that age for years and like to see them a bit scruffy as it means they are having fun.
And when l was in school, many moons ago it was the rich kids who were scruffy as they had nothing to prove. The poor ones tried to keep the best side out. Let him off. And make him clean his own shoes so it's not in your car.

Original poster
EwwwwwwDavid · 06/02/2025 00:48

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/02/2025 00:28

Why does your husband think you should do it all? If he feels so strongly about it, why can't he do it all?

Though, at 11, he can clean his own shoes and use pocket money to replace uniform that he has intentionally damaged.

We take it in turns to do the school mornings, so on 'my' mornings he feels i should be doing more.

but even if DH is replacing the uniform, its still a joint expense I dont want to pay.

I just don't see the big deal in ink stains and rips as long as they are clean (and of course, as long as it doesn't bother DS)

OP posts:
Original poster
EwwwwwwDavid · 06/02/2025 00:50

junebirthdaygirl · 06/02/2025 00:47

I agree with you. I have taught that age for years and like to see them a bit scruffy as it means they are having fun.
And when l was in school, many moons ago it was the rich kids who were scruffy as they had nothing to prove. The poor ones tried to keep the best side out. Let him off. And make him clean his own shoes so it's not in your car.

It's not in the car! Thats why he gets them muddy, apparently its impossible to stay off the grass when walking back and forth

The amount of demands i'm already putting on DS (homework, revision, keeping his room straight, showering daily), I don't want to add a battle that i just don't care about

OP posts:
HangingOver · 06/02/2025 00:54

DH can't sew because of an impairment or he "can't sew"? Because if he hands work, he can bloody sew. Needle, thread, 5 mins on YouTube!

Original poster
EwwwwwwDavid · 06/02/2025 00:55

HangingOver · 06/02/2025 00:54

DH can't sew because of an impairment or he "can't sew"? Because if he hands work, he can bloody sew. Needle, thread, 5 mins on YouTube!

As in, the repair will probably look worse than the tear!

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 06/02/2025 00:59

Get your child to clean his own shoes every night because once he realises what a pain it is especially when you could be watching tv/tiktok/fun stuff he will start to be more careful in not getting them as muddy in the first place. Actions and consequences. I was cleaning my own shoes when I was 8 btw.

If DH insists on having the clothes mended then DH can sew them. If he's bad at sewing then he will just have to learn how to do it better or stop complaining. Moaning and consequences 😉

and of course, as long as it doesn't bother DS)
Actions and consequences again. It it bothers him then he needs to stop ruining his clothes, he is no longer a baby. Parents are supposed to raise their child to be independent, kind and consider others - and sometimes this involves "life lessons". You stand your ground here, you are teaching your son something valuable.

Original poster
EwwwwwwDavid · 06/02/2025 01:03

Yes, if it bothers DS I would expect him to take more care, certainly not intentionally damage, and take steps (with support) to clean and repair.

But right now, he doesn't care and neither do I. Because DH does, I sense he feels this is where I am lacking somewhat as a parent (though he would never say that).

The shoes are fabric so while DS / DH gets the mud off, they are sometimes stained until I can run them through the washing machine which needs to be at the weekend. I just couldn't care less they have stains!

OP posts:
WellsAndThistles · 06/02/2025 01:04

He can clean his own shoes and deliberately damaged clothing can be replaced in lieu of pocket money. Don't be so soft, he's 11 not a toddler.

Original poster
EwwwwwwDavid · 06/02/2025 01:24

WellsAndThistles · 06/02/2025 01:04

He can clean his own shoes and deliberately damaged clothing can be replaced in lieu of pocket money. Don't be so soft, he's 11 not a toddler.

He can but this isn't really the point of the thread, I'm not bothered about the stains etc.

Also, money wasted is still money wasted, for the sake of a 1 inch rip in a jumper I'd rather he wore it

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 06/02/2025 01:36

EwwwwwwDavid · 06/02/2025 00:55

As in, the repair will probably look worse than the tear!

Show quote history

By 11, I'd learned to do darning (It was a skill we did at Brownies back then, I am old!!) so teach your son to do his own mending. Yes it will look bad but his own fault!

minipie · 06/02/2025 01:45

You may not care about this sort of damage. But what he’ll be learning if you let it go is that he can deliberately or carelessly damage stuff and you won’t react.

So what happens if he absentmindedly draws on the kitchen table rather than his hands? Or makes a cut in the sofa? Will you not care about that either? It’s the same behaviour.

Plus at some point, teachers will notice and he’ll get pulled up on it, and then he’ll come to you and say he needs a new XYZ because the teacher said so. Usually this happens if they have a school trip or concert or something.

My view is, don’t go ballistic but do say that if his stuff gets to a certain level of shabbiness you will buy a new one and dock his pocket money to cover it.

You talk about the amount of demands you’re putting on him with homework, revision, daily showering, keeping his room straight. But these things are quite normal for year 7 and most get on with them without huge battles. Has he never had homework before or to keep his room tidy or wash daily before? So it’s a big step up for him? (Revision I can see may be new). Or has he had these things before but they have always been a battle…? if so I do think there may be ND in the mix

minipie · 06/02/2025 01:47

PS I don’t particularly care about scruffiness either and if my kids have stained or ripped their stuff through genuine accident then I’d let it go and yeah they still wear.

However this isn’t accidental… this is careless or even deliberate (the cut in jumper). I’d definitely have something to say about that and would expect him to stop that behaviour.

Convolvulus · 06/02/2025 01:56

I also don't care too much about appearances so I'm with you most of the way. However, if my son were deliberately cutting his clothes I would get quite cross because that is entirely avoidable damage. At the very least, in your shoes I would make my son pay for replacements out of pocket money until he learns that maybe cutting his clothes up just isn't worth it.

Convolvulus · 06/02/2025 01:59

Also, money wasted is still money wasted, for the sake of a 1 inch rip in a jumper I'd rather he wore it

A 1 inch rip really does have to be mended by someone before it becomes a 6 inch frayed hole that makes the garment in question unwearable. Seriously, teach your son to sew and make him do it.

Devianinc · 06/02/2025 02:10

Yeah, boys are pretty smelly as teenagers.

Devianinc · 06/02/2025 02:13

And you dont have too. He’ll change especially when he gets interested in girls and converse sneakers really stink

Original poster
EwwwwwwDavid · 06/02/2025 02:20

minipie · 06/02/2025 01:45

You may not care about this sort of damage. But what he’ll be learning if you let it go is that he can deliberately or carelessly damage stuff and you won’t react.

So what happens if he absentmindedly draws on the kitchen table rather than his hands? Or makes a cut in the sofa? Will you not care about that either? It’s the same behaviour.

Plus at some point, teachers will notice and he’ll get pulled up on it, and then he’ll come to you and say he needs a new XYZ because the teacher said so. Usually this happens if they have a school trip or concert or something.

My view is, don’t go ballistic but do say that if his stuff gets to a certain level of shabbiness you will buy a new one and dock his pocket money to cover it.

You talk about the amount of demands you’re putting on him with homework, revision, daily showering, keeping his room straight. But these things are quite normal for year 7 and most get on with them without huge battles. Has he never had homework before or to keep his room tidy or wash daily before? So it’s a big step up for him? (Revision I can see may be new). Or has he had these things before but they have always been a battle…? if so I do think there may be ND in the mix

Whole family is ND, he is just the most NT if that makes sense? We would struggle to get a diagnosis at this stage, but I am starting to suspect. He did have homework in primary but once a week, now it's once a day and he has to manage different deadlines, it's an adjustment and he doesn't like it!

You make a good point r.e. him learning that wilful damage is ok - I will think of a different consequence. I might charge him for the darning, then I benefit!

Yes, he has had to keep his room tidy but with each age his responsibilities increase, so its tidying / cleaning / making bed / putting clothes away - whereas last year it was just tidying and clothes.

And he didn't used to shower daily, it was every other day. Obviously with puberty starting thats changed, but again, he doesn't like it! So lots of me nagging atm it feels like. Not huge battles, but enough reminders that I don't really want to add more in right now. Secondary has been a big adjustment for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
EwwwwwwDavid · 06/02/2025 02:20

Convolvulus · 06/02/2025 01:59

Also, money wasted is still money wasted, for the sake of a 1 inch rip in a jumper I'd rather he wore it

A 1 inch rip really does have to be mended by someone before it becomes a 6 inch frayed hole that makes the garment in question unwearable. Seriously, teach your son to sew and make him do it.

yes good point

OP posts:
Original poster
EwwwwwwDavid · 06/02/2025 02:21

Devianinc · 06/02/2025 02:10

Yeah, boys are pretty smelly as teenagers.

Edited

he isnt smelly yet but i really dont want him to get to that point! So currently its a daily reminder to change boxers / shower / use anti-perspirant until it becomes a habit.

love parenting boys.

DD on the other hand i'm pretty sure baths in sol de janeiro

OP posts:
Devianinc · 06/02/2025 02:23

I made my son shower everyday but his friends came in the house and they didn’t smell so good.

Devianinc · 06/02/2025 02:25

I’m sure he’s all well and good.

BigSilly · 06/02/2025 02:29

HangingOver · 06/02/2025 00:54

DH can't sew because of an impairment or he "can't sew"? Because if he hands work, he can bloody sew. Needle, thread, 5 mins on YouTube!

Why should the DH sew clothes that your DS has damaged? At 11 your DS can mend them himself.

I think your 'don't care' attitude to his willful damage of property, especially items you have bought for him is very poor parenting.

Original poster
EwwwwwwDavid · 06/02/2025 02:37

BigSilly · 06/02/2025 02:29

Why should the DH sew clothes that your DS has damaged? At 11 your DS can mend them himself.

I think your 'don't care' attitude to his willful damage of property, especially items you have bought for him is very poor parenting.

Show quote history

yes this is what DH thinks.

Though I don't think DH should sew them.

Also, I'm not sure I've said that I don't care that it's wilful damage. I don;t care that stains / rips exist. I do think there is something more than naughtiness behind the 2 intentional cuts, as I've said I think he has inattentive ADHD and these are impulsive acts. He seems to need to fiddle and that results in damage. Now I think about it he has ALOT of broken pens and pencils.

School won't let him use a fidget or doodle without a DX.

OP posts:
Devianinc · 06/02/2025 02:44

Kids go through fads in school. Skater or whatever. Maybe he’s trying to emulate someone he looks up to who has torn clothes. Who knows how an 11 year old thinks. Kids are pretty complicated bc they’re all different.

Swipe left for the next trending thread