My son is scruffy and i don't care

[EwwwwwwDavid]

But my husband does.

My son (11) comes home from high school with muddy shoes, muddy trousers, and today came home with a cut in his jumper. He comes home each day having drawn over his hands and arms, which sometimes creates ink stains on his shirts.

I'm fed up of replacing shirts - they are clean, just stained.
He has cut a slit into his trousers out of boredom.
He cut his jumper intentionally, don't know why.

He isn't a bad kid at all, it's not naughtiness, it could be inattentive ADHD but if it is it's mild.

None of this really bothers me in the sense that he has clean clothes every day, goes to school relatively well-kept, and I believe it's all part of the high school transition.

But I don't want to clean his shoes for him.
I don't want to keep replacing clothes, especially logoed items.
I don't want to keep mending clothes he intentionally damages.
I'm happy to let him go in clean but scruffy - and ALL the lads he is friendly with come out of school an absolute mess.

My husband strongly disagrees and thinks I should do the above. He has said he will do the mending if I won't (he can't sew). He thinks the teachers will judge DS and people will "think we are poor" (like thats an insult 🙄).

But I've never cared much about appearance so maybe IABU.

Would appreciate thoughts.

He doesn't leave the house scruffy ( shoes perhaps aside) he comes home scruffy

When my daughter was in secondary they came down pretty hard on ripped clothing, messy hair and general scruffiness. Caring about how you looked was part of the school ethos - a tidy organised appearance was part of a tidy organised mind. If your child's school doesn't put much store on this then fair enough, but I don't think it'll stand him in good stead in the working world.

You are being too soft and he’s trying it on - ground him, take his phone off him, stop pocket money etc - tell him if he is causing you problems you will cause problems for him.
If/when he improves reinstate them if he does it again you do it all again. Yes it’s a chore and he will possibly kick off but be calm and firm. He’ll get the message sooner or later.

No issue with a teenager looking scruff/dishevelled (at appropriate times). The drawing on hands etc would not bother me really.

But i strongly disagree with just damaging clothes/shoes/bags etc willfully eg cutting clothes etc. The environment can't afford for us to damage perfectly good belongings.

Would he damage his business materials, his snow shovel or anything that's helping him make money? Probably not as he knows the consequences.

Taking pride in his clothes is treating you and your husband's hard earned money with respect.
He doesn't because there are no consequences.

Start charging him for the cleaning of shoes and darning and he'll soon stop.

Most kids push back, that's not to say you don't add on to his responsibilities.
It's about growing up and being a responsible adult.

His businesses will do well if he is presentable too.

Your carefree attitude is fine when you're where you want to be in life, you can afford to be that way.

He's just starting out and needs your guidance as a parent.

I go against the grain and also think that your DS does enough if he is expected to tidy up/clean his room, make his bed etc.
Any help with the school is needed especially if it helps his concentration.

Hi
I work with kids with ASD and ADHD, I don’t think you would have a problem getting a diagnosis for you DS from what you have described.
I think it was a bit of a mistake describing the damage as deliberate. It sounds impulsive or a reaction to boredom or even sensory. You don’t get the same problems with home clothes because you are a thoughtful parent who considers how much stress to place on their child at any one time and so your child is not stressed. It also sounds like he has lots to keep him busy so not bored and is able to use coping strategies at home that he is not allowed at school.

In terms of the question you asked I don’t think either of you is wrong. His dad has his views and you have yours. I think there is a world of difference between wearing a clean shirt with an ink stain and one that has not been washed.

Husband will do the mending.

It's very possible he is ND. It's also possible that the writing on his arms or hands and the ripping of clothes are a subtle step toward self-harm.

But on the off chance that he isn't, you need to raise your expectations.

Don't allow him to go to school with ripped clothes and dirty shoes. He needs to be told that this is disrespectful to the school, to himself, and to his parents. I'd suggest he uses the proceeds of his enterprises to pay toward new uniform items.

Hormones and hard classes are not excuses for disrespect. He's going to have to live with both for maybe the next ten years. Don't make excuses for him thst might (1) give him the idea that he can ignore social norms, or (2) result in sweeping a real issue under the rug (writing on himself and ripping clothing as a step toward c*tting or other self harm).
.

Honestly give him other things to do.

Why would you struggle to get a diagnosis at 11?
My daughter was diagnosed at 15 - autistic and ADHD.
I am going through the referral phase for my other daughter age 14 now.
Ive just been diagnosed ADHD at 49.

if he get a diagnosis then he can be helped with his inattentive behaviour. Plus understand himself more.

Because GP is shit school is shit and community paediatrician is shit

My DD is very obviously ND yet it took me a year to even get a referral

Apologies.

have you looked at the right to choose pathway?

But I understand how having a shit school and shit GP can put massive barriers up for families.

We will do RTC, we did for DD and me, but I still need to get the GP on board

Tbh I'm probably projecting based on my past experience, I need to be more positive

Not really sure what you’re looking for here OP. You don’t care about the stains/rips/damage but your DH does. You don’t want to repair/replace, yet you say that you “don’t think DH should sew them” nor to you want to share the cost of replacement. You also don’t want to impose more consequences on DS because of the other chores he has to do, and it’s a battle you don’t care about.
Looks like you’ll all just have to learn to live with it then as you don’t care for any of the solutions that have been offered.

I didn't ask for solutions

I asked if I was being unreasonable

I stated quite far upthread what my next steps would be - did you read all my posts?

I can't sew. I wouldn't say I have an impairment, just poor fine motor skills.

Your DH is right. These things matter. I'd also be helping my DC to understand the importance of caring for his belongings, understanding the value of possessions and encouraging him to take pride in his appearance.

Doodling on her arms was wilful destruction of his property? 😲 That's shocking to read. Your poor DD. 🥺