My son is scruffy and i don't care

[EwwwwwwDavid]

But my husband does.

My son (11) comes home from high school with muddy shoes, muddy trousers, and today came home with a cut in his jumper. He comes home each day having drawn over his hands and arms, which sometimes creates ink stains on his shirts.

I'm fed up of replacing shirts - they are clean, just stained.
He has cut a slit into his trousers out of boredom.
He cut his jumper intentionally, don't know why.

He isn't a bad kid at all, it's not naughtiness, it could be inattentive ADHD but if it is it's mild.

None of this really bothers me in the sense that he has clean clothes every day, goes to school relatively well-kept, and I believe it's all part of the high school transition.

But I don't want to clean his shoes for him.
I don't want to keep replacing clothes, especially logoed items.
I don't want to keep mending clothes he intentionally damages.
I'm happy to let him go in clean but scruffy - and ALL the lads he is friendly with come out of school an absolute mess.

My husband strongly disagrees and thinks I should do the above. He has said he will do the mending if I won't (he can't sew). He thinks the teachers will judge DS and people will "think we are poor" (like thats an insult 🙄).

But I've never cared much about appearance so maybe IABU.

Would appreciate thoughts.

Seriously? He is 11.

He is in some very challenging classes at school, hasn't found the transition easy, is changing daily in terms of hormones and for various reasons has a difficult home situation at the moment.

He is also sweet, smart, creative, funny, and loving.

And now we strongly suspect he is undiagnosed ND which is adding extra challenge.

He complies with most of life's norms, as you put it, and I'm only just realising this may be more of a struggle than he has let on.

God, I struggled with some of the 'norms' you've mentioned and at a much older age than him.

@EwwwwwwDavid the more you talk about him the sweeter he sounds. I have three boys myself and they were like puppies 🐶 🤣. I also teach 11-16 year olds. I think revisit the ADD and get him something for the fidgeting. Encourage him to reflect on how school is going and what would make things better. Could he move to the front? I have some of the less focused boys at the front and can bring them back to focus gently with just saying their name. Talk to him about the clothes/shoes (I think you’re coming around to seeing that it does matter.) and then praise him for all that is good about him. Boys get scolded so much and especially if he is scruffy and unfocused he may hear a lot of negativity at school. Boost him and be his advocate.

For goodness sake, all 11 year olds go through exactly the same when they enter senior school. Your son might be special to you but he isn't special compared to every other child. You can either mollycoddle and infantalise him or you can teach him the skills and responsibilities that will help encourage him into being a well rounded capable adult.

But you don't want that. You just want to moan how hard done by you are because your DH expects you do to extra work. You do realise this means DHs parents didn't teach him to be a fully fledged adult if he can't wash or sew his own child's clothing. Let that sink in. You are both teaching your child that it's just women's work and he needn't bother his sweet little head about it.

I'm out. Seriously though, stop moaning if you aren't willing to change the dynamics. Because you can change them.

My boys both sew. 15 y old could sew, at 11. He knows where the sewing box is, and will use his machines for bigger jobs.
There are baby wipes in the shoe cupboard, plus polish and brushes. Having said that, I often do them, because I quite like doing it.
I also like doing laundry, but at 11, he could put a wash on, if need be. I've had several broken bones and surgeries, and he's done it then, as well as cooked.

My point is to provide him with the tools, and encourage him, but I wouldn't push it, if neither of you are too bothered. If DH is bothered, let him do it. I'm bothered, so I do it, and nag him to (yes, it's a being poor/single parent thing).

That drawing all over the hands and arm thing, though. DS still does that, at 15!

I haven't moaned once?

I've asked if AIBU to have the views I have.

Neither of DH parents can sew. Both very competent, successful adults.

DH can do laundry, it's just my household task, as cooking is his.

DS has many many skills. He can fish, perform business basics, cook basic stuff, make beds, weed, edit fantastic social media videos, keep the kitchen tidy, hoover, and he is learning to revise. Some of his tasks he doesn't like doing and that's not uncommon!

And this really isn't a gendered thing in the slightest, that's your projection.

And I will say I can sew, but I'm not very good.

Again, I have many, many other skills, but anything with good hand eye coordination or fine detail by hand, I am very poor at.

I certainly don't feel competent to teach my children.

I'm still a fully fledged adult.

Plenty of people can't use a saw or drill or put up shelves competently. I don't look down on them or think their parents failed or that they aren't proper adults. Despite me being amazing at that stuff AND teaching my children.

Thank you, he really is a lovely kid, I'm very proud of him.

Captains his sports team, always first to help someone who is struggling, lonely, new or shy, super creative and entrepreneurial - I just compare that to a few ink spots and the oh so filthy shoes I posted up thread and can't see them as important.

This thread was to get a general consensus on MY attitude so I could be more reasonable to DH

I wouldn't care about scruffiness or stains but I wouldn't be impressed with deliberately cutting clothes I'd paid for and the replacements would come out his pocket money

Agghh! More ridiculous comments about ‘all’ boys and teens. I have worked in several secondary schools. The vast majority are clean and well turned out. You are more likely to get overwhelmed by the smell of Lynx in my experience.

And why is the Op tolerating her son deliberately ruining his uniform? Is it a sign of something else going on with the son? This would be a huge worry for me.

My DS has just started at secondary and he often comes home with muddy shoes. I only clean them properly at the weekend I can’t be doing with it every night; just a quick wipe over in between.

However, I would not be accepting of the intentionally damaging clothing and I’d be making my son replace with pocket money / birthday money etc. FWIW it’s worth my son has ASD and ADHD, so I understand that they can get “busy hands” but he knows that this behaviour would not be acceptable. School allow him to have a fidget toy of sorts to overcome those urges. I would personally draw a boundary there. A bit of dirt is fine but not actual damage to clothing (accidents obviously don’t count)

I would be annoyed with my son for taking such poor care of his clothing. I would also be furious that he is pissing around with ink and drawing on his hands etc rather than doing his work. I teach this age group and those doing this are usually pussing around and not doing well on their work.

I knew a man who told me (and practised it) that you have to treat a thing with contempt to prove you own it. I think letting your son deliberately damage his things without consequences might well extend his ideas into relationships as he grows older.

A business at age 11?

That's not a criticism btw - more intrigued about what sort of business an 11 year old could have.

He is getting 7s and 8s, tracking slightly above where he was predicted after SATS

Seriously. It's 2 incidents. 2. In 5 months.

One he didn't even realise he had done it he told me, and he was sorry afterwards.

There is nothing contemptuous in his nature in the least.

@LandSharksAnonymous it's so cute, both his dad and I are business owners and DS wants that freedom, so he has started a little retail business.

Spent some of his pocket money on pop and sweets, and sells it before school via Snapchat. He is now expanding to fidget toys and small jewellery items.

In autumn he and his friend started a leaf removal business. They were gutted when it didn't snow in winter as they were planning to offer snow shoveling.

It's encouraged at their school as they have to fundraise for trips and one of those ways is making / sourcing items to sell, another is doing community jobs.

One lad in the older years has a successful jet washing business, another girl has a jewellery business. They are only years 9 and 10.

Sounds like scruffy parenting on your part TBH

Sounds like you are raising a bit of a mummy's boy who can do no wrong who you are letting getting away with it and your husband sees that and isn't happy. Have to say I agree with him

Maybe it's not your fault, maybe it's not the father's fault, maybe, the kid needs a kick up the arse and told to stop trashing his clothes its really not that hard!

He does plenty wrong and when he does it's dealt with

When he doesn't do his homework
When he is rude to me or his dad
When he is mean to his sister
When I catch him swearing

I just don't see muddy shoes or inky hands as wrong!

And how does any of this make him a mummy's boy?

See, again, I don't think mud on shoes or ink / food / toothpaste on clothes is trashing them tbh

And though I doubt it makes a difference, he told me he didn't cut his jumper, he said he pulled looose threads

So one incident of snipping with scissors and one of thread pulling

Hi op,

At 11, he should know that stuff cost money. You need to teach him that asap 👌🏼

If you suspect he has ADHD can you approach the school? All the changes from a primary school to a secondary are huge even without being ND. The damaging clothing isn’t ideal and dirty shoes are not the end of the world but being able get him some help and support to manage these things may resolve some of the issues.

Must admit I'm with your DH on this. I was raised by my old school working class grandparents in the 80s and I think my grandmother would have died of shame if I left the house scruffy! I'm the same with my own (two boys, 10 & 13). Mud is totally normal at that age, but it sounds like he's crossing the line into failing to treat his things with respect. So he needs to be aware of the fact that SOMEONE has to pay to replace damaged clothes, or find the time to mend them? In your shoes I would let him live with the consequences in some way, maybe deduct money out of any pocket money he gets or sit him down to try and mend things. I did that once or twice with my now 10yo and he is very respectful of his and others things now, despite being naturally very high energy.