My son is scruffy and i don't care

[EwwwwwwDavid]

But my husband does.

My son (11) comes home from high school with muddy shoes, muddy trousers, and today came home with a cut in his jumper. He comes home each day having drawn over his hands and arms, which sometimes creates ink stains on his shirts.

I'm fed up of replacing shirts - they are clean, just stained.
He has cut a slit into his trousers out of boredom.
He cut his jumper intentionally, don't know why.

He isn't a bad kid at all, it's not naughtiness, it could be inattentive ADHD but if it is it's mild.

None of this really bothers me in the sense that he has clean clothes every day, goes to school relatively well-kept, and I believe it's all part of the high school transition.

But I don't want to clean his shoes for him.
I don't want to keep replacing clothes, especially logoed items.
I don't want to keep mending clothes he intentionally damages.
I'm happy to let him go in clean but scruffy - and ALL the lads he is friendly with come out of school an absolute mess.

My husband strongly disagrees and thinks I should do the above. He has said he will do the mending if I won't (he can't sew). He thinks the teachers will judge DS and people will "think we are poor" (like thats an insult 🙄).

But I've never cared much about appearance so maybe IABU.

Would appreciate thoughts.

11 is more than old enough to clean his own shoes and clothes and learn to sew. Possibly learning to take care of his own things will help him respect and take care of them more but at least you won't be doing it! Looking after your own body, possessions and space (bedroom) feel like important life skills to me, teaching him how and making it a habit is a kindness, not a punishment.

That said, I also wouldn't replace the shirts immediately for stains etc, I'd maybe make him soak them in stain remover when he gets home though. It's not his appearance that would bother me but the attitude of 'someone else will fix it'

Your bar is honestly so low for him. He is 11 years old. It’s your job to teach him to take care of his property.

As a teacher, if a child was coming into school each day with stained clothes and ripped clothes, I would be reporting them to the safeguarding lead. Very different to messy hair and an untucked shirt.

As a parent I would be livid if my child was deliberately cutting their clothes. You can bet that if he’s doing this he’s also scribbling on his desk and school books too.

No I would not send my child into school with ripped or torn clothing- I'd mend it, or they'd mend it, or it would be replaced. I wouldn't be impressed with them wrecking their clothes so casually either. Mud washes off but drawing all over themselves in pen, no.

In the morning on the bus I often see scruffy kids with messy hair, holes in trousers and dirty shoes with untied laces - always wondered if they are being neglected or something... Turns out its normal 😂

I come from the culture where personal appearance, cleanliness and clean shoes are considered a sign of a decent person )) No self respecting girl would date a guy in dirty shoes, and, to me, its a big turn off on anyone.

On a serious note - you need to teach your son not to ruin clothes deliberately, and to look after his stuff properly. Things cost money, he needs to show some respect to his parents. This is something he should know already at 11.

Not all of them are. What a ridiculous generalisation. In fact hardly any of the ones I know are 🙄

What bothers me most is that you think he is ND but have decided that it's mild and to ignore it. That's awful.

Using it as an excuse is lazy.

Amd you're teaching your son to think this stuff is OK

You could make him clean his shoes, replace deliberately damaged stuff, wash his sums when he gets in.

Do you think he will gonon to have a successful relationship if he doesn't know its wrong? And he doesn't, because you aren't teaching him.

And sorry if this comes across as a low blow, but it sounds like your DH is also communicating to you that he doesn't find your low standards acceptable or appealing. He thinks you're being lazy.

Out of interest, how do you keep and look after yourself and your stuff compared to DH? He is obviously struggling in the household and telling you that and he matters too.

Forgive me if I have taken this the wrong way but the demands you mention seem to be part of regular life? That is to say not overly onerous in any way. You and your dh have worked hard to earn money to provide your child with a uniform. If he is willfully destroying it, I can understand why your dh is pissed. If I were in your position I would be making my child pay for a replacement through his pocket money, birthday money or whatever. My secondary school child started coming home with shirts covered in some sort of non wash out paint. He was forced to replace them - why? Because he fiund it funny and needs to respect my effort in having to work to provide him with things. Once he is earning himself, he can wander about looking scruffy/unkempt. If you don't tackle willful destruction of clothes now, you run the risk that he starts willful destruction of furniture, decor etc because he is bored. Or moves onto someone else's things. Where does it end?

An 11 yr old is perfectly capable of cleaning their own shoes and maybe that will encourage hime to actually stop getting them in such a state.

As for cutting his clothes - teach him to mend those himself, again he might think twice about damaging them again.

You and DH should form a united front not bicker, apportion blame, and pass responsibility. If you genuinely suspect that your son has ADHD then push and keep pushing until he gets an assessment.

Natural consequence you get muddy shoes you clean them. You decide to cut your clothes in some game you pay for them.

I think looking scruffy shows a lack of self respect, rightly or wrongly. That’s how it will be perceived by many. So teach him now that it matters. Rips should be mended. There should be consequences for willfully damaging stuff. Keep going with the showering/new underwear- as he gets older that should become second nature. But I am with your husband here.

I think you are confusing a few things here.
Primary school children going to school wearing clothes that are stained and worn but clean is perfectly fine.

Going to school in shoes that have a few marks on them from every day use - also fine.

Going to school in dirty shoes or clothes is not fine. If his shoes are getting above averagely dirty, then then the natural consequence is for him to clean them.

Likewise, the odd small rip in clothes is fine, but if he's delliberately damanging them then the natural consequence is that he has to fix them.

It's worth enforcing this now because he will be less compliant in a year or so and there may be bigger battles to fight.

All that fidgeting, drawing and chewing is likely to a coping mechanism for the restriction/anxiety/expectations of secondary school, especially if it only started this year. Is it one of those schools where they have to watch the teacher all the time? He's probably covered in mud from running off the tension during break in the field. Get him a notebook to doodle in , he might even have a talent for drawing. And have a strong word with school. It takes years to get an ADHD diagnosis, how long do they want a distressed, fidgety and underperforming child to struggle on for?

Tackle the underlying cause as well as the consequences.

I can always tell I've had a boring or difficult meeting at work by the amount of doodles in my notebook.

Scruffy kid, maybe meh is you are both not fussed. Trouble is he will more than likely turn into a scruffy adult where people will judge. I always think it is really unkind of parents to not teach their kids the kind of life basics that will help them when they get older.

My 13 year old comes home with muddy shoes and maybe dirty uniform at times (mud etc) but I don't really care. I don't like it when he draws all over is hands and I tell him not to but he's a kid (and has adhd).

If he was cutting his uniform though, that would be a different story! Your son isn't a preschooler... you need to address that.

OP I have DD15 who has adhd and I get it you pick your battles.

Question though, how's his school reports and general academics? If he's fiddling as you suspect and the cuts in clothing etc are a consequence is he actually able to focus in class?

I only ask as DD has daily medication (not on school days) and it's helped her settle and focus enormously.

Why wouldn't you get him assessed if you think he does have ADHD?

Two deliberately cut items is one too many. You are both being lax parents and should be teaching your child to mend his own clothes and clean his own shoes. Teach him to tap his hands rather than cut something.

This👆You both need to teach your son some self respect and that damaging his own property,looking dirty and scruffy is not acceptable.My sons school would have clamped down heavily because a child’s appearance also reflects heavily on the school reputation.
Good idea about a note book for doodling as suggested upthread .

I spent ten minutes this morning cleaning my 11 year olds shoes. They are muddy every day as he plays football in them. I'm cleaning them thinking he really should be doing this.
I clean them as he really doesn't care if they are muddy and would wear them as they are. I'm trying to make him understand that he should care but I can't make him care. Hoping this will come soon! :/
However if he was purposely cutting his uniform that would be a different matter and I wouldn't stand for it

There's a ready made and easy consequence for this. If he doesn't clean them himself he doesn't go to football.

Getting clothes dirty and untidy as a result of an active day is one thing. Deliberately cutting holes in clothes is another. It's not appropriate to spoil or destroy clothing on purpose and I think 11 is plenty old enough not to do it, so I'm with your husband on that. I also think there's a balance between not being too uptight about normal wear and tear and wearing scruffy like a badge of honour. This does seem to be a bit of a conceit amongst people who are class/wealth conscious, the 'only the working class care about clean and tidy' brigade, who think their children looking 'feral' (as they love to say) is a MC signifier.

@Goodnightelizabethgoodnight he doesn't wear them to football just on the way home from school they play football! Any other ideas are more than welcome!

Make him clean them the night before and remove privileges until he does.

it may mean a few nights of sulking but if you keep doing it he won’t learn.

DS needs to be taught to sew and how to clean shoes. If he can’t / won’t then pocket money gets docked to buy new stuff.

@Sirzy yep I will have to. I think the secondary settling in period is done now time to get a bit tougher!