My son is scruffy and i don't care

[EwwwwwwDavid]

But my husband does.

My son (11) comes home from high school with muddy shoes, muddy trousers, and today came home with a cut in his jumper. He comes home each day having drawn over his hands and arms, which sometimes creates ink stains on his shirts.

I'm fed up of replacing shirts - they are clean, just stained.
He has cut a slit into his trousers out of boredom.
He cut his jumper intentionally, don't know why.

He isn't a bad kid at all, it's not naughtiness, it could be inattentive ADHD but if it is it's mild.

None of this really bothers me in the sense that he has clean clothes every day, goes to school relatively well-kept, and I believe it's all part of the high school transition.

But I don't want to clean his shoes for him.
I don't want to keep replacing clothes, especially logoed items.
I don't want to keep mending clothes he intentionally damages.
I'm happy to let him go in clean but scruffy - and ALL the lads he is friendly with come out of school an absolute mess.

My husband strongly disagrees and thinks I should do the above. He has said he will do the mending if I won't (he can't sew). He thinks the teachers will judge DS and people will "think we are poor" (like thats an insult 🙄).

But I've never cared much about appearance so maybe IABU.

Would appreciate thoughts.

Oh dear I was that scruffy child. My parents had their own stuff going on when I was 11 and stated senior school. Nobody really bothered what I looked like or how many days I wore a school shirt, or if I brushed my hair.
I got bullied so much by the other kids, and when I see photos of myself then it makes me feel very sad because I just see a child nobody really bothered with.
Im with your husband on this

Who sends their children out in dirty and torn clothing ?

I have a “high functioning” ASD 18 year old, and I still have to say “make sure you put a clean top on” before we go out .. and I still stuck her washing in. She also has ADHD .. with particular issues around organisation - she’s getting much better, still a little behind her peers.

Doodles on himself are up to him, but I wouldn't have him going out in uniform with holes and stains. If you can get your son to sew up a cut jumper just once he'll probably never deliberately cut his clothes again. Ditto if he draws in pen on his clothes or something. You don't have to do it as a big shaming punishment - just taking up a bit of his time is enough.

Out of interest who here does/doesn't still clean their 11 year olds shoes? Just trying to judge how mollycoddling I'm being by still doing it 🤔

I guess it doesn't actually matter if he cares. If he didn't care about brushing his teeth or washing (which was my DS at 11), would you still insist upon them?

I think it's reasonable to have an expectation that he doesn't go to school in shoes that are caked in mud (and equally the compromise is that it's ok if they are a bit dirty) and that he needs to clean them to a reasonable standard. Or you would be open to an alternative solution e.g. he has a pair of trainers that are solely for football use that can get and stay as muddy as he wants.

@RedSkyDelights yea I do have to insist on showering etc although he would care about being smelly. I don't have to insist on the shoes as I'm doing it for him since I do care! Think I'll have to incorporate it into the must do to get Xbox time routine, he'll love it I'm sure 😂

Maybe your kid needs to be shown another way to use this attention, this fiddling?
my kid bit holes into teeshirts. I have zero tolerance for this. But accept that there is a behaviour that needed another outlet.

your husband could do the mending?
better yet your son could help and learn?

Im not fussed about mess, I accept mud and mess, but the cutting clothes would infuriate me. when does he do it? Can he talk to you about what he is feeling in that time?

Totally off topic. You are describing my DS at that age, especially the drawing on his own arms, damaging clothes, and looking like a muddy scarecrow at the end of the school day, usually missing some uniform and other items he left home with. He was, many years later, diagnosed as ASD and is currently on an ADHD waiting list. He is nearly 23 now.

You wouldn't struggle to get a diagnosis at his age. Far easier to diagnose an older child. You may have a long wait. Could you do it privately rather then waiting for the school system to grind on.

Literally any other consequence. Or just say, he doesn't get to play football on the way home from school if he doesn't scrub his shoes. If he ignores this, bigger consequence. No need to overcomplicate it.

"Show us you are responsible and deserve privileges, or those privileges are removed."

Ok understood.

My suggestions would be

Start the path to diagnosis. He may not get any actual help since he’s doing ok, but he’ll get more understanding from teachers about being scruffy/scatty/impulsive. Even getting him on the SENCo radar should help with this. Also, the wheels can come off later as I’m sure you know so best to have started the ball rolling now.

Take something else off his plate if you can. Maybe you/DH can change the beds and clean his room so he’s still just got the clothes and tidying up? Personally I would prioritise learning not to damage his stuff, and getting into habit of daily homework and shower, over changing the beds and cleaning - these are things he can learn later, maybe next year when the hw and shower are more ingrained habits.

Can you get him an unofficial fidget? Pen with moving parts or a keyring on his pencil case or something discreet… If it’s not annoying I doubt anyone will care (and also if he’s on the Senco radar hopefully they would back it up if anyone does complain).

I don't think the teachers are concerned that a child is poor but that their parents don't care. There's a huge difference.

sounds like we have very similar boys

it's more that DH expects me to be bothered, its not really a woman thing

This is what we're trying to work out. I'm not sure he knows - he says he is just bored and can listen better if he has something to draw on / fidget with

Well, I wouldn't care how he looked coming out of school but I sure as hell would care what he looked like going into school each morning

So for me that would be clean clothes, clean skin and clean and tidy hair. No stained clothes, no torn or cut clothes and no ink stained skin

It's down to you as his parents to manage that. Or leave it and risk judgement

The shoes are fabric so while DS / DH gets the mud off, they are sometimes stained until I can run them through the washing machine which needs to be at the weekend.
Why on earth can't DH or DS use a washing machine yet? Why does it have to be you?

Yes, he has had to keep his room tidy but with each age his responsibilities increase, so its tidying / cleaning / making bed / putting clothes away - whereas last year it was just tidying and clothes.
He's 11. Again, I was doing all that at 8yrs although dm helped with bed making I still had to strip and do pillowcases. I was ironing and cutting the lawn aged 9. By the time children get to senior school they need to know/do basic house chores, by 14 he should be able to cook at least two basic meals and put on the washer. How else is he going to survive as an adult? When do you think he should learn any of this? Teach him to survive and thrive, don't teach him he's too special to be responsible for anything and to find a naice girl like his mother to shack up with so he doesn't have to do anything.

Actions, responsibilities, consequences.

I agree with you OP. Your son doesn’t care how he presents. He’s 11. NT or ND it isn’t uncommon for boys to be scruffy little toerags. My lad was, and is, unconcerned about what others think
of his appearance and sometimes I have despaired. He is happy though and that’s what counts. When he goes out to the pub etc he is always clean and well dressed. At 11 he started off clean but ended the day an utter urchin. I just shrugged my shoulders tbh but like you, clean clothes every day.

Give him blu tack.

Consider poppits, or pen toppers, or retractable rubbers which you move up and down, or those clicky 4 colour biros. It's easier with girls, a hair bobble on the wrist is completely unremarkable and they are more likely to want "toys" in their pencil case. But blu tack has saved many school jumper sleeves here.

I don't think my bar is that low tbh, certainly not among his peer group. There are other things he does, the ones i've highlighted are the main ones which he gripes about.

I hate making beds so i have sympathy!

Yes he is 11 and in high school, he has struggled with that transition, I don't want to make it even harder at home.

As i've said, he does get the mud off the shoes, they just end up a bit stained

The judgement wouldn't bother me, thats rather the point, and the difference between DH and me.

They are allowed to wear trainers to school and his favourite are his onclouds which are more fabric based

I wish the school would let him doodle on paper but they wont, thats why it started on his hands and then arms

Does he cut and deface his other clothes that he wears at weekends or for sport etc? I bet he doesn’t!

I genuinely think its ADHD, espeiclaly having read some of these replies

He is the loveliest kid, he really isn't disrespectful