Sick of having to ask DH for money

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

Hi people. Has anyone ever had a positive SAHM experience? I a SAHM of 2. My DH and I made a pact years ago I would look after the kids and he would grow his business. I have always been out of work even when the business got successful as he says he could make more money than if I worked since he wouldn’t have to pay for childcare nor watch the kids, which whilst it is true, I have always craved my own independence.
I have grown very resentful. Although I love looking after the kids and hate the idea of leaving them, I crave my own financial freedom. Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear. This is my last straw as I am sick of trusting someone else for money even if it is my husband. He even went as far to say I’m irresponsible with money even though I truly never am away from this kids so I don’t even get to spend money on dates with friends or a spa day and I haven’t brought anything for myself in a year. I admit it’s probably selfish I ask now seeing as we just have moved but now I could use some clothes for myself and suitable footwear. It’s so annoying I wish I had never agreed to this because I’d like to prioritise myself and feel bad asking for time away or clothes for myself but I truly feel terrible in myself. I understand many of you will critique me for putting myself in this situation but the dynamic has only recently changed this much where I have to “ask” for money. But am I being wrong for asking at such a busy time for him? We have money (I honestly don’t know how much as it’s all considered his grrr) but should I feel bad for taking away for myself whilst he provides for all of us?

Try to step outside yourself for a minute OP and imagine your sister/ best friend calling you and telling you about how her DH made her throw away all clothes promising to buy New ones but he won't. Also she's staying home taking care of his children but find herself in poverty because she can't even buy herself some clothes/shoes. She has no access to the family money because her DH has told her it's better this way for some obscure non plausible reason. She's a prisoner, especially since her DH made her move away from friends and family.

You would tell her to get a divorce asap so she would get access to half of the money and not live with a financial abusive man who tries to isolate her from the outer world.

The only way this situation works in my opinion is if there’s a joint account for bills and you both have a personal account for your own money. I was a SAHM for a few years and also worked for my husbands business so I get the whole feeling trapped with tax benefits and doing what’s best overall for the family but you need to stress to him that you need some of your own money. He may not value what you want to spend ‘your’ money on for example clothes but that’s really not his business. It can make you feel very trapped as it sounds like you do and in the long run will cause resentment and relationship issues.
It works much better to get ‘paid’ an amount per month for leisure money an he needs to get that message loud and clear. He may be in charge of ‘providing’ for the family but if it was a joint decision for you to take care of the kids he needs to realise that your role in this is equally as valuable. Would he listen to these points if you sat down and had a serious chat?

So you actually work in his business but don't get paid? He is sounding worse and worse.

Did he replace his own clothes, @Justlivelovelaugheat ?

Not with anything fancy.

But yes, he did?

When I was a sahm we had a joint account, exh always asked me if he could spend!

I assume that you wouldn't replace your clothes with anything fancy either? You really need to speak to Women's Aid or another domestic abuse charity about his behaviour. He has moved you far away from family, you have a role in his business but he doesn't pay you, he threw away your clothes but won't replace them and you have no access to money.

Look OP your "concern" for any changes in him recently has cornered you into inaction.

You have choices here.

He is being controlling and you know it.

People saying is the house in your name? It's irrelevant as you are married unless it's become a company asset of course.

Yes you need some financial independence asap.

In the meantime I'd be reading him the riot act.

So he did replace his own stuff?

You’re a SAHM, except not really because he’s got you working for his business for free.

He’s moved you away from your family and support network.

He has literally taken the clothes off your back.

Get a job ASAP. This is not a nice man you can or should rely on.

Anyone that loved you wouldn't give you a suitcase and make you choose between clothes for yourself and clothes for your children, unless you were in some kind of emergency fleeing situation, which I presume you were not.

He is not a great man, he's not a good man, he is treating you far worse than an unpaid employee, and nowehere near a loved and respected partner.

You now find yourself miles from your friends and family and any support network against your wishes, without any clothes because he forced you to leave them behind. You saved your ornaments. This is heartbreaking.

Here is a link to contact Women's Aid.

Please use it when it's safe to do so. He is slowly boiling you like a frog in a pan.

Why dont you both just have a debit card for the same account. Then you dont need to ask. I couldnt live that way.

The scary thing to me is how you've ignored your own cravings and needs and given him so much authority on everything, from where to live to your income, thinking he is this 'great man'. What great man makes you throw your clothes away and won't buy you any more? If he's not actively cruel, he's at the very least selfish and unthinking. And he's absolutely controlling and abusive when it comes to money. But you sound like you've got no power and have gone along with everything like he knows best. You are an equal partner in the marriage and just as 'great' as he is. Do not let him make you feel second best for one more moment. Get a job for your MH and self-esteem and stop being so cowed and grateful for this 'joy' of seeing your kids grow. We all see our kids grow, but we also have the joy of a voice in our home/marriage and being able to buy clothes. It's fucking outrageous the situation he's put you in and it needs to change. He's not going to change it. You don't need to leave but you need to get angrier and assert your independence. He won't give you, he's actively taken it away so you need to remind him you're an equal and start taking it back. Today.

Quite simply get a job .

You do seem pretty burnout.

Decluttering extraneous, redundant items for a house move- normal. Reducing a family to one suitcase and promising £150 to replace them is ridiculous.

You need to plan for your own financial stability because he's broken the trust over absolute basics. Getting a job is not a magic cure because there's still plenty of scope for aggro over childcare costs and division of domestic labour, but if this marriage breaks down, he is not going to play fair and give your children what they need and your share of what you invested into his financial position. But it does enable your financial survival and reduce the impact of his control over you.

@Justlivelovelaugheat do you have a friend or family member in real life you could talk to about this?

Quite simply, you have no idea how being in a coercive relationship works, or the faintest idea about being financially controlled.

You are married and made a joint pact re you staying at home = joint money.
You should have access to the money as an equal partner who is simply doing a different role to your DH in your family but is just as a vital. He seems to be infantilising you saying that you are irresponsible with money. The thing about throwing clothes when moving sounds a little weird to me. How many clothes were there?? How much time/money would’ve been saved by throwing them away? And now he won’t give you enough to buy new things. To me it sounds very controlling. Moving forward, there needs to be a proper conversation about how you’d like things to change. If he’s not amenable to having a sensible discussion then you need to consider your options because I don’t think this is a reasonable way to live.

I was a SAHM and we had a joint account. It was our money. I spent it as I saw fit, but we had an agreement that we talked to each other if we wanted to spend more than £20 (this was a long time ago!!) Even now with us both working FT again we talk to each other about big spends, he earns more than me but he doesn't give a shit about that.

As for the chucking out the clothes? That's madness. I love my clothes and would have told him where to go.

Anyone that loved you wouldn't give you a suitcase and make you choose between clothes for yourself and clothes for your children, unless you were in some kind of emergency fleeing situation, which I presume you were not.

Yeah this. I have never heard anything like this in my life. OP this is a very, very worrying read.

The fact you're an employee of the business but don't receive a salary is actually illegal. Does he know this?

Also, sorry if I have missed it but why don't you have a debit card / online banking for the account where all the money is going into?

He doesn't just auto send you money monthly? I think you should get him to start doing this regardless of whether you will spend it or tell him you're going back to work. Does he realise how much you'd be earning if you went back to work, if only part time for 20hrs pw @ 12ph and how much he would then need to pay for childcare? If he thinks 1 parent needs to stay home, tell him to run his business from home then. Why should you be at a disadvantage? That's ridiculous.

If he doesn't open his wallet without terms and conditions applied after you've lived up to your part of the bargain more than once, he's being financially abusive to you.

Your best course of action would be to tell him that if he doesn't hand over the money (as he agreed he would and it's not his opinion you're looking for, it's new clothes) he is being abusive and you would have no qualms about going to the police and reporting him for being abusive. You will also be left with no option but to go out and get a job/get training to get a job and get your own money and then he has ZERO control over your money, it's yours but he gets to carry on paying for what he's paying for as that hasn't changed.

He’s a great man and you love him but…he gave you a suitcase for all the clothes and made you choose between throwing the children’s or yours away with a promise to replace them then went back on that agreement so you find yourself asking for advice because you barely have anything to wear. (This makes zero fucking sense btw, you presumably moved a crap ton of large, heavy furniture & appliances etc. Clothes are easy!)

He now has you in a position where not only do you have to ask for money, when you do ask, he says no.

You do work for his business and don’t get paid yet he’s somehow managed to convince you this is acceptable.

Oh…and he made you move away from all your friends and family.

Great man, wonderful. Can see why you love him so much.