Sick of having to ask DH for money

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

Hi people. Has anyone ever had a positive SAHM experience? I a SAHM of 2. My DH and I made a pact years ago I would look after the kids and he would grow his business. I have always been out of work even when the business got successful as he says he could make more money than if I worked since he wouldn’t have to pay for childcare nor watch the kids, which whilst it is true, I have always craved my own independence.
I have grown very resentful. Although I love looking after the kids and hate the idea of leaving them, I crave my own financial freedom. Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear. This is my last straw as I am sick of trusting someone else for money even if it is my husband. He even went as far to say I’m irresponsible with money even though I truly never am away from this kids so I don’t even get to spend money on dates with friends or a spa day and I haven’t brought anything for myself in a year. I admit it’s probably selfish I ask now seeing as we just have moved but now I could use some clothes for myself and suitable footwear. It’s so annoying I wish I had never agreed to this because I’d like to prioritise myself and feel bad asking for time away or clothes for myself but I truly feel terrible in myself. I understand many of you will critique me for putting myself in this situation but the dynamic has only recently changed this much where I have to “ask” for money. But am I being wrong for asking at such a busy time for him? We have money (I honestly don’t know how much as it’s all considered his grrr) but should I feel bad for taking away for myself whilst he provides for all of us?

Make an itemised bill for your work every month. Childcare. Cleaning. Cooking. Shopping. Laundry. Sexual favours. And tell him that's how much you expect in your account every month. Then make a plan to divorce his disgusting abusive arse. This will never get any better.

He sounds controlling in many ways, not just financially.

Did you actually want to move to the new house/location?
You mention that it's away from family. Again this is a red flag for him trying to isolate you from friends and family.

I agree that it sounds like the business is in trouble which is why he may be more secretive than before about finances, but it's why you now need to push more to find out the extent to this. Has he potentially taken out loans in your name for example?
Who's name is the mortgage in and are all bills definitely being paid for the household?

We’ve moved far away from any family,

I knew this was coming.

Ring Womens Aid today, tell them everything and get some support.

Everyone hollering Get A Job, do you really think that he's going to get touched with the reasonable stick at that point and cough up for the required child care if he currently won't give his wife money to replace the clothes and shoes he forced her to leave behind?

I know it can be difficult to read between the lines especially if something falls out of your range of experience, but it's clear to me what is going on here from knowing the very tip of the iceberg.

Children 'act out'. Not adult men with children. When they behave badly, it's not 'acting out': it's unacceptable behaviour. In this case, it's financially abusive behaviour.

And no, I'm afraid he is not a 'great man'. Great men don't treat their wives like this.

So he gets all the money from the business, but it has to stay in the business account, and although he is "successful" and "growing" he is begrudging you money for clothes because he needs the account to look healthy to get a loan?

I think the business may not be as healthy as you think. If the change is recent, I would suggest that maybe there is less to transfer to you than before. And if he is saying he needs to keep his salary there so the bank will give him a loan, he doesn't understand how banks assess a business's viability. They will just go "why is he not paying himself a salary?"

I would bet it's that or not having paid his taxes and getting a massive bill from HMRC.

I’m an accountant and this doesn’t stack up to me.

• He could pay you £12,500 per year tax free for you, and that would save the business tax as it would be an expense. Yes he’d have to pay employer National Insuance but it would still be very efficient tax wise. I’m not saying £12,500 is necessarily ‘enough’ but it would be a start especially if he pays for most things at home
• tax-efficient pension contributions depend on earnings. So he can only contribute £2,880 per year to your pension if your earnings are nil or close to nil. If you earn more you can contribute more but it would still make sense for you to earn your personal allowance £12,500 first. Or are your ‘pension’ savings not actually in the form of pension? Have you seen evidence these exist and are in your name?
• paying off student loans is mad in the meantime if you’re not earning (if in the UK) as you only repay if earning

I suspect one of several things

• business is struggling - in which case the two of you need to talk
• he’s trying to make you better off in assets (but not income) so that if you split he can give you less
• he has lost respect for you for one reason or another - resentment he is the only earner, woman on the side, etc

I am sorry, those suspicions probably sound harsh but I just don’t understand the tax and business rationale you give.

Since when did taking care of your children ft not become a grown up activity ? If a couple choses this instead of paying for childcare this is fine. He's just not sticking to the deal: providing financially.

I was a SAHM for ten years when our DC were small. We had a joint account and I spent what I needed from it, whether it was household stuff, kids stuff or personal stuff. Our arrangement worked perfectly - I can honestly say we've never had an argument about money - but your situation is abusive OP.

You’ve had good advice elsewhere @Justlivelovelaugheat about what is clearly financial abuse but I wanted to specifically deal with this point. It is not mor efficient for your salary not to go to you, in fact in this sort of set up the wife usually gets more as it’s better for tax to maximise the use of your annual allowance. By all means put money in your pension (presumably it is your pension, in your name, over which you have control) but money should come directly to you.

I agree.

I'm pretty shocked, tbh. My parents married in 1954, and even back then she always had access to the money my father earned.

Firstly, echoing what others have said, you need a joint account for joint expenses, so you can both see how much they are, and actually I'd add a separate personal account for personal expenses. You are not "what's leftover after we've bought milk and bog roll". If he thinks he "gives you" enough to cover it all, then by splitting it to separate accounts, with an appropriate standing order into each every month, he might see that's just not the case.
If he doesn't understand that you have regular personal expenses, like replacement clothes, & shoes, and the occasional social engagement, then there's really a very big problem. Is he this tight with his own personal spending ? Is the business in trouble? Or does he just not appreciate how much basic things actually cost these days?

He probably didn't pay her student loan at all .Just told her it was "paid".

It rang coercive control alarm bells with me too.

OP. Think very carefully and start looking through this lens to check how healthy this relationship is.

Get a job share childcare and have strong boundaries.

Throwing away your clothes to make a move easier is ridiculous. Did he throw away his own clothes? If so, has he replaced them? Is he trying to make you a prisoner in your own home as you don't have clothes to go out in?

You are being financially abused and you should seek help from domestic abuse charities such as Women's Aid.

No, unfortunately. I was very hesitant to moving to an area where I’d know no one but we wanted the kids to grow up in a safer area. Still, it was hard to leave family and any sense of normality. As he is planning to take on more employees I’m not too sure. He claims everything is fine and I’m inclined to believe him as we have gone on many expensive trips in the past year and talking about more. Honestly, the whole situation feels helpless at the moment. The arrangement has always worked for us, the children are very happy and thriving. My youngest is breastfed and does not take to a bottle yet hence why I haven’t gone back to work yet but the way things are going I need to make sure I’m covered.

He's treating you like a unpaid servant. It's not love if he doesn't want you to have the basics and a life. You are working raising your DC.

You need a job. You both pay for childcare.

I had one like this. He loved me being financially dependent. He would spend everything and then complain about having to pay the bills.

You are equal partners. You are a team. They are his children too. You both live in the house.

The way you have set it up you should have equal amounts of free time and equal amounts of disposable income.

He should not have more money to use or more free time than you.

I think you’d be very wise to get some good advice here. I’m worried for you. I don’t trust him. The clothes thing sounds bonkers but also controlling.

This is glib and unhelpful, but I'm assuming it wasn't offered as actual advice.

In the event that there is a way through this for the OP with her husband, this would be provocative and counterproductive.

In the event there isn't, it's inflammatory and possibly dangerous!

He's isolated you and has cut of your previous access to money.

You are an employee but that doesn't go into your account?

This is bad op. He's abusing you. The throw away the clothes is just another way to control you.

Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes.

This is so weird! Decluttering before a move is normal, but throwing away your possessions just to reduce moving costs is not normal!

Did he throw away lots of his own things too? And has he replaced them? Or is it just you left in a worse situation than before?

This.
tell him how expensive a divorce will be and see if £150 bothers him then

Oh FFS really. If course it wasn't serious advice to do. It was to demonstrate the inequality of it all. I actually despair of mumsent sometimes.

Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear.

I’ve never heard the like. 😮

He’s got you exactly where he wants you, hasn’t he?

It’s crazy I never realised how bad the clothes situation was until I’ve read everyone’s comments. Basically, he brought a large suitcase for clothes and insisted if all our clothes (not just mine and his) didn’t fit we’d have to throw them away. I hated this idea and was verbally very annoyed but after he said he would get me a new wardrobe it seemed pretty reasonable, especially because Ive not had new clothes in years. I used the suitcase for the kids clothes so I didn’t have to chuck any away but didn’t really think he would uphold his promise. He tried to get me to chuck away my favourite ornaments too but I kept them luckily. Can’t replace them.