My parents missed DD's dance show again!

[ventandrant]

My DD's are in a dance show in half term - they do this show most years and there are 2 perfomances one matinee and one evening. My parents aren't really interested in my kids they never have been - every year my DD1 asks them to come and watch and there is always an excuse. This year they promised they would come and both girls were so excited.

Spoke to my mum yesterday to see if she wanted me to book the tickets or whether she was going to so it and lo and behold they aren't coming anymore as they need to look after my sisters dogs!!!

Grandparents say DD's don't need them as they are from a loving stable family and they have me and my DH but sister and her kids and dogs need help from them. My sister does struggle with parenting and her mental health but GP's definitely prioritise her family over mine.

Writing this I do sound bitter and jealous but my DD is so upset. Youngest DD doesn't care as she realised years ago that the grandparents don't like her/us.

I never complain or make a fuss and have just accepted that me and my family aren't particularly important to them but DD1 can't accept this.

I haven't really cared about their lack of interest before before because I am used to it but now I suddenly feel I need to advocate for my DD as she is distraught as they broke their promise.

That's really sad. But ultimately I don't think there's anything you can do. I guess tell them DD is really disappointed and you are too that they agreed to go and then went back on it. It's their loss but difficult to shrug off when your child is upset by it.

Stop asking.

I think it was very mean of them to actually promise your daughter they'd attend when most likely they had no intention of doing so. Terrible behaviour on their part.

I can relate to not wanting to attend the dance shows though as they're dead boring for everyone other than the kids and their parents. Still, even though I'd rather do just about anything other than sit through one of those shows, I'd do it in a heartbeat if it made my grandchild happy.

Sorry OP, I don't understand people who display little interest in their grandkids. I don't think there's much you can do about it but I'd sure let them know how hurt your daughter was that they'd reneged on their promise to her.

You should tell your mum how upset your DD was and that, for her sake, you are going to pull back from contact so that DD doesn't get her hopes up again, only to be disappointed when your mum lets her down.

Do you have any nice family on your DH's side?

Really horrible of them to say they would go and then not. And presumably they weren't even going to tell you - just be another no show! Its shitty behaviour to do to anyone - I hate flakey people who just don't show up! But to a child (your own bloody grandchild no less!) it's really bloody mean!

Is there someone else close you could ask that you would come? Another relative or a good friend? So if your DD asks again you could say 'lets not ask them, they never turn up. But we could try Auntie XX'

Sorry, I cannot stand performing children. It’d be a no from me. I’d definitely rather look after a dog 😀

How old is your DD? There comes a point that is worth having the conversation with them so that they know that they are not the problem and the grandparents are the problem. I know kids will figure it out but the impact on their self esteem when they do is devastating especially from a family member.

if old enough it’s reasonable to be a bit more honest about their poor behaviour and management of expectations.

have you ever suggested to your parents that they deliver their news?

I think this is dreadful.
If they didn't want to go then I guess fine, just say so. But to tell a child they would come and then ditch them for a dog!

I wouldn’t expect grandparents to attend that kind of thing.

Typically those shows are very long and incredibly dull and every person in the audience is there solely to see their own kid perform for five minutes and then sits there painfully bored and cringing for the other two hours, wishing they could leave. No need to inflict that on extended family.

@ventandrant you just have to realise that your family will never be the chosen family. in your future, I can see you just going no contact after a lifetime of being pissed off!!! I even had the " I cant look after your dog in case I am needed to look after sis's dog!" always second fiddle till I just had enough!! took me 35 years of marriage to realise that sis's family were always going to be more important!

I hated going to my kids dance things. They’re designed to torture the parents. I hope if I don’t have to go if I have grandchildren.
Sorry OP none of this changes how much I loved my kids.

I agree with others that I wouldn't expect a grandparent to go to a dance recital. They shouldn't have ever said they would if they had no intention of doing so, but if you've asked about every single show you may be making it quite difficult for them to say no.

Really? Ime (considerable) experience half the audience is typically doting grandparents (the rest are parents and siblings).

Them saying they would go and then pulling out is unreasonable.
But…. Those shows are incredibly tedious so I do sympathise with them that as it gets closer to the event they regret saying yes.

Do you get a video of the show afterwards? If so, maybe you could plan a ‘showing’ at home. Your daughter could wear her costume again to show just how good it looked, you could play her number, the grandparents could be impressed, you could all have a celebratory cupcake at how well she did. More fun all around than making them come in person?

It is a shame but maybe your sister just needs more support from her parents than your family. I do agree that they shouldn’t have promised but maybe your sister is particularly vulnerable at the moment.
As a grandma I have felt disappointed missing nativity,singing plays now my daughter has a devoted partner who adores my grandchild and wants to attend.I take the view that their family takes priority over my feelings ,so all good 😊
Be thankful that you have a secure family.

I wouldn't dream of missing something important to my granddaughter, that she wanted me to come to. I don't care how boring it might be outside that couple of minutes when she's on stage, wild horses wouldn't keep me away.

I'm really sorry that your parents let her down.

Also this…
www.google.com/search?q=cartoon+showing+equality+vs+equal+versus+fair&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-ca&client=safari#imgrc=wyWBtRJwCTlY2M&imgdii=mWYm2h8znEU9yM

Things being uneven doesn’t always mean that people are loved differently. It sometimes means their needs are different.

That really isn't relevant to this situation.

I would just not invite them. Like it's sad for your daughters, but your parents obviously don't care that much.

fully understand why you feel how you do and I’d feel the same. It’s better to limit the opportunity they have to hurt your grandchildren’s feeling in the way they have hurt you and limit the expectations of their involvement so anything above is a bonus. It’s a shame when people don’t act how we would expect them to especially family but we can’t make people change and if you try it will lead to more anger and resentment as time goes on. Doesn’t mean cut them out your life or anything dramatic, just let them lead the way on levels of contact and interaction.

My dad used to come to my dance performances. He would wave then "go out for a cigarette" and basically never come back as they were so long and boring. So he never actually watched one. I think some grandparents like things like that and some would be really bored by it. They shouldn't agree to come and then not come though. They could say no thanks that's not my thing but could we take her out for a meal the following week (or whatever).

Tbf I would rather cut my own eyelids off than sit through a "Dance show'

And I'm not even a grandparent

Come on - you know you only sit through this shit because they are your kids. You cannot reasonably expect anybody else to feign an interest?

It might be (and it might not). OP describes that her parents don’t love her and her kids as much. She seems in part to be interpreting that based on a lack of as much support as her sister gets. This might not be true interpretation of what her grandparents are trying to do and how they feel.
Once these sorts of feelings develop it can become a viscous circle.

My grandparents never came to my dance shows, my parents never came to dds dance shows. If my dds have children I will absolutely go.

I'd stop mentioning it as a possibility, if your kids mention it just say breezily " gran and grandad are busy but we can't wait to see you"

Your parents are the ones who are losing out.

After having sat through multiple shows for my own kids - dance, drama, nativity - various things which go on for 90 minutes and your kids is on stage for 90 seconds, I get where they are coming from.