My parents missed DD's dance show again!

[ventandrant]

My DD's are in a dance show in half term - they do this show most years and there are 2 perfomances one matinee and one evening. My parents aren't really interested in my kids they never have been - every year my DD1 asks them to come and watch and there is always an excuse. This year they promised they would come and both girls were so excited.

Spoke to my mum yesterday to see if she wanted me to book the tickets or whether she was going to so it and lo and behold they aren't coming anymore as they need to look after my sisters dogs!!!

Grandparents say DD's don't need them as they are from a loving stable family and they have me and my DH but sister and her kids and dogs need help from them. My sister does struggle with parenting and her mental health but GP's definitely prioritise her family over mine.

Writing this I do sound bitter and jealous but my DD is so upset. Youngest DD doesn't care as she realised years ago that the grandparents don't like her/us.

I never complain or make a fuss and have just accepted that me and my family aren't particularly important to them but DD1 can't accept this.

I haven't really cared about their lack of interest before before because I am used to it but now I suddenly feel I need to advocate for my DD as she is distraught as they broke their promise.

I'd reduce contact with them. They want to spend time with your sister's dogs - let them.
They will regret it when they are considerably older and need you to run around after them and sort stuff for them.

Pull back and stop letting your kids be disappointed by their grandparents, repeatedly disappointed by them.

But that is massively missing the point, which GPs have promised repeatedly and reneged repeatedly but somehow they manage to go to the other GC’s activities.
Fair enough if they never agree to go and watch the shows and treatment both sets of GC fairly equally.

Not unusual at all in our neck of the woods but, again, that’s not the point.

Well, don't set them up to fail. Stop asking and make them watch the DVD instead. But it really can be tedious to watch these shows.

That’s fine but OP said they do go to other GC’s theatre shows. The issue isn’t the shows per se (although that’s what is upsetting the OP’s DD), it is what appears to be clear favouritism dressed up as OP’s sister needing them more.

i do agree that her DD shouldn’t be set up for disappointment.

Your youngest daughter realised years ago they don’t like her/us?

Yes it is UR they said they would attend then didn’t. However the above comment is a bit strange I feel. What age are your kids and did you feel you might be having conversations within earshot of kids?

I would have thought it was quite unusual for grandparents to go to such things these days. Families are so far flung.

To say they would then not is not on, though.

Are there any other ways your parents show an interest in your girls, OP?

My DCs never had a grandparent at any of their events because we lived hundreds of miles away in one case and thousands in the other, but never doubted the grandparents were interested and cared about them. They even had to 'borrow' friends' grandparents for grandparents' day at school.

How are you framing this to your children?

Are you resentful of the attention they give to your struggling sister? Is this a long-running issue in your family? Are you roping your children into a battle they don't actually care much about?

They've played favorites with you and your sister and now your kids are getting the same treatment. This has had a negative effect on both kids.

Drop the rope with them. Stop inviting them to anything. If they call or text, tell them you'll get back to them and don't. They don't care. If you run into them, just be the grey rock. Things are fine. Ok. We're busy. Gotta go. See ya next year.

I agree with this.

I think your mother was very wrong to say she was coming and then let your dd down, but I don't think there is any expectation they should have to spend money to sit through something they won't enjoy.

I don't understand the thing about grandparents not going to a dance show because they have to watch lots of other children who are nothing to do with them dance, because isn't that just what you do as a grandparent for your grandchild

No. That is what you do as a parent. Once you've had 20 years of doing that, it is a great relief to no longer have to.
You can opt in to things that you will enjoy. Maybe one of your grandchildren is a skilled cellist and you happen to like listening to classical music, or maybe one plays lots of football and you like watching football, etc, but that is the beauty of the role of being 'extended family' rather than 'parents', the fact you have a choice to opt in or out as you wish.

Then they shouldn't have promised in the first place

I have never fallen out with my mum or sister over any of it as I am used to it as my sister always needed more attention when we were growing up so I just sort of accepted being second best but it is now affecting my own DD it is becoming a real issue for me.

I think it's absolutely time to say something to your Mum.

Promising your DD whilst knowing she had absolutely no intention of going is downright cruel.

Your sister may need more help than you, but her children and yours are all grandchildren and showing absolutely no care to the fact they're upsetting your DD by making promises and letting her down is mean.

I also wouldn't be dressing it up to your DD either. "Granny is very rude for promising and then letting you down. I've told her I'm very angry. Right, shall we have McDonald's/go swimming/something else nice to cheer ourselves up"

After that I'd be seriously limiting your mothers chances to upset your children any further

The way I see it is in relation to the first part - that's rubbish about them doing it because your sister doesn't have a husband. They are doing it because your sister is their 'golden child'.

It would be very different if they hadn't promised and then cancelled. If they don't want to watch your daughter, then they need to say to her that they aren't interested in her shows/performances. It should no longer be up to you as they are the ones that repeatedly disappoint their grandchild.

Best thing though would be for you to withdraw from them so as not to disappoint your kids further.

Don’t let it get to you. Some grandparents just don’t like to be involved in that way. I have one drama kid and if I invited my parents, they might come but more out of obligation than genuine interest so I don’t generally bother. DH and the other sibling are the same, they will attend shows but mainly under duress as it’s not their thing and they find drama quite confusing. I feel the same about football but I’m the parent so have to go.

Are the posts like this missing the point on purpose, or are they just a bit dim?

Experienced similar undisguised bias and decided it was all toxic so now NC. They don’t get to chose when to be involved.

ps one person could dog sit and the other attend your dtrs show.

Thats so sad. I love to be involved with everything my grandchildren do. I guess we are all different. I hope your parents make extra effort for your children in the future.

I would be furious with your parents, these things mean a lot to children. When they grow up the one memory they will have of grandparents are they didn’t turn up.
I’d have strong words with them

Yep. It’s one of those „match their energy „ approaches needed.

Hope former, suspect latter.

I would 100% agree with this.

I view my grandchildren in the same way as my children in that I want them to know that I am interested in them and support them.
Extended family would be someone like my brother's grandchildren to me.
Therefore I would be more than willing to sit through a concert no matter how boring.
Sometimes I have even enjoyed them.
I think it's sad that your parents have cancelled but I would very much play it down with your daughter and not give them the opportunity to disappoint her again.
I would tell your mother that your daughter is very upset and disappointed.

YABU because you have invited this shitshow into your kid's lives. Stop asking them, stop letting them be disappointed.

You are enough.

In your shoes, I would consider going low or no contact.
If your parents can't treat all grandkids equally and are constantly breaking promises and letting your kids down, are they people you want around them? Will it impact their self esteem?

Sorry OP I had to go to one of these shows for my niece when she was about 10 and it was so boring. Sat for an hour and a half in a hot sweaty old theatre and she was on for about 4 minutes. I would tell them DD is disappointed and maybe ask if they could do something else together that they would enjoy?