Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents missed DD's dance show again!

147 replies

ventandrant · 05/02/2025 19:11

My DD's are in a dance show in half term - they do this show most years and there are 2 perfomances one matinee and one evening. My parents aren't really interested in my kids they never have been - every year my DD1 asks them to come and watch and there is always an excuse. This year they promised they would come and both girls were so excited.

Spoke to my mum yesterday to see if she wanted me to book the tickets or whether she was going to so it and lo and behold they aren't coming anymore as they need to look after my sisters dogs!!!

Grandparents say DD's don't need them as they are from a loving stable family and they have me and my DH but sister and her kids and dogs need help from them. My sister does struggle with parenting and her mental health but GP's definitely prioritise her family over mine.

Writing this I do sound bitter and jealous but my DD is so upset. Youngest DD doesn't care as she realised years ago that the grandparents don't like her/us.

I never complain or make a fuss and have just accepted that me and my family aren't particularly important to them but DD1 can't accept this.

I haven't really cared about their lack of interest before before because I am used to it but now I suddenly feel I need to advocate for my DD as she is distraught as they broke their promise.

OP posts:
DanceMumTaxi · 06/02/2025 21:57

Surely people do things though to show support to friends and family? It’s a very selfish existence to only do things that we want to do/find interesting. Sometimes we have to give our time, and do things we’d maybe prefer not to do, so that we can support those important to us.

saraclara · 06/02/2025 22:01

I view my grandchildren in the same way as my children in that I want them to know that I am interested in them and support them.

That. 100%. The boringness of the rest of the event is worth it when it's so important to them and they're so happy that you're there.

When I need to pick my DGD up from school because her mum's shift doesn't finish in time, while I want to help out, the real reason I do it is to see her excitement when she sees me at the gate. And when her teacher releases her, she runs into my arms, and it's the best feeling.
I don't focus on the fact that the hour and a half return journey is tedious.

When I get to see her perform, I won't care about the boring majority of the time when she's not on stage, because it'll be worth it. Just as it was with my own kids.

My grandkids are growing up knowing that their grandma loves them, is proud of them, and will always support them.

Horses7 · 06/02/2025 22:44

Disappointing - don’t ask them again!
It’s a good lesson for daughters that not everyone in their lives are reliable/dependable. We’ve sat through loads of very boring dance/gym shows but we’ve smiled and applauded all the kids not just our kids/grandkids - it comes with the ‘job’.

babyOnly · 06/02/2025 23:26

Just stop asking them.
They don’t want to go to the dance shows and tbh having sat though a million of my own kids shows, I wouldn’t go unless I had to!
They are grandparents not parents so it’s optional and they choose not to.

Littlemisscapable · 06/02/2025 23:32

Horses7 · 06/02/2025 22:44

Disappointing - don’t ask them again!
It’s a good lesson for daughters that not everyone in their lives are reliable/dependable. We’ve sat through loads of very boring dance/gym shows but we’ve smiled and applauded all the kids not just our kids/grandkids - it comes with the ‘job’.

This.....dont sugar coat it too much. Nana and grandad are too busy. Sorry love. Unless they have time travel a long distance it's disappointing they won't come. Its their loss..

Seaside31 · 06/02/2025 23:49

I’m sorry your DD is taking it so hard @ventandrant. Sadly, there comes a time when they really see adults behaviours and start to question it.
I have similar with DHs parents - he has a sister with a 5yo and 3yo twins, and one with a 15yo and 11yo. We have a 4yo. They live 15 min walk from our house yet are always “too busy” when we try to see them (other DCs live a 5 min walk and 3 mile drive away). But they see the other grandkids multiple times a week and take them off on big days out etc. Each set of GC have their own spare room at Granny and Grandads - but not my child.

Whenever I see them they’ll tell me about family dinners etc that they’ve had and how lovely it was to have “all the grandkids round” or how it was “the best Christmas having all the GC together” - except it’s not all the GC, because mine wasn’t invited.

Anytime they’re called out on it they say that the others have always needed them for childcare so they’re just naturally closer to those GC “so tend to think of them more” 🙄 they’ve seen my DC probably 6 times in the last year - maybe for an hour each time. DC actually walked past his granny in the street because he thought it was a stranger talking to him!!!

BogRollBOGOF · 07/02/2025 07:02

If you happen to have local, interested grandparents of the precise age range to be old enough to be newly retired to have time on their hands and young enough not to be riddled with ailments, it's a nice extra in life.

It's lousy having uninterested grandparents playing favourites, but the good news is that being an "optional" extra in life, it's simple to stop trying to involve them and exposing the children to disappointment.

ClareBlue · 07/02/2025 07:21

saraclara · 05/02/2025 20:19

I wouldn't dream of missing something important to my granddaughter, that she wanted me to come to. I don't care how boring it might be outside that couple of minutes when she's on stage, wild horses wouldn't keep me away.

I'm really sorry that your parents let her down.

Same here for children, neices, nephews. Anyone that asked really. Because I'm not sure that when you are at end of life two hours being bored in all the hours you have had matters much, but bringing joy to your granddaughter definitely does.
I increasingly find this self centred selfish behaviour in interactions with family weird and a bit sad. Abusive situations completely different, of course. But prioritising a dog after making a promise to your granddaughter over something that is important to her, what thought process ends up with that outcome.

Doloresparton · 07/02/2025 07:32

@ventandrant I think you're under reacting.
Your're teaching your dd that she has to accept being second best.
If my dp's treated my dc so unfairly they would be told very bluntly what I thought of them.

TorroFerney · 07/02/2025 07:46

Littlemisscapable · 06/02/2025 23:32

This.....dont sugar coat it too much. Nana and grandad are too busy. Sorry love. Unless they have time travel a long distance it's disappointing they won't come. Its their loss..

Show quote history

I don’t sugar coat it at all with my mum (older daughter though ) I explain it’s all about my mums inability to think of anyone but herself as I won’t lie and say she’s busy as she’s not!

Showerflowers · 07/02/2025 07:55

DarcyProudman · 05/02/2025 19:57

Sorry, I cannot stand performing children. It’d be a no from me. I’d definitely rather look after a dog 😀

You'd rather look after a dog and leave your grandchild upset? Harsh

Showerflowers · 07/02/2025 07:58

Oh op I'm so sorry for your dd. I hope she has a great show. I go to all my gc events, shows, tournaments etc. their faces light up when they see family there cheering them on.

Rachmorr57 · 07/02/2025 08:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LittleBearPad · 07/02/2025 08:04

Call them out on it OP.

They’re are being extremely unfair to their GDs. They said they’d go so tell them how upset your daughter is that they aren’t.

LittleBearPad · 07/02/2025 08:05

Doloresparton · 07/02/2025 07:32

@ventandrant I think you're under reacting.
Your're teaching your dd that she has to accept being second best.
If my dp's treated my dc so unfairly they would be told very bluntly what I thought of them.

Edited

Agreed

Time to stand up for your children.

BooBooDoodle · 07/02/2025 08:07

Relay your DD’s disappointment to your parents and start withdrawing. I have been in this position and it’s harder to address when your children realise for themselves what is going on and ask questions. Just stop asking and leave them be. Concentrate on your children.

thepariscrimefiles · 07/02/2025 08:11

MasterpiecesofthePuzzle · 06/02/2025 20:16

Sorry OP I had to go to one of these shows for my niece when she was about 10 and it was so boring. Sat for an hour and a half in a hot sweaty old theatre and she was on for about 4 minutes. I would tell them DD is disappointed and maybe ask if they could do something else together that they would enjoy?

They do go to OP's sister's daughter's dance shows so they are happy to sit through a show for their other grand-daughter but not for OP's DD. It is favouritism pure and simple and damaging for OP's DD to experience. As her parents don't care about upsetting OP's DD, the only thing that OP can do is to go low or no contact.

Thomasina79 · 07/02/2025 08:12

I would drop everything to see my grandchildren in anything, but sadly I am second fiddle to the other grandchildren. Heartbreaking for me and sad for the grandchildren too. The eldest has some times asked me if I am coming on occasion to shows, Christmas meals etc. difficult to answer.

averythinline · 07/02/2025 08:13

I think you should say something about how disappointed dd is as this time they promised to come.

And that they are priortising dogs/dsis which is their choice but it will impact the relationship with you and dgc ...

Yes dance shows can be tedious but they promised this time...if they'd said no tanks different situation although sad for dds who just want to involve them..

Wouldn't invite them again and probably lessen engagement a bit to reduce the impact on you and dc of being disappointed... Same as dealing with anyone flaky ...just more painful...

Ellie1015 · 07/02/2025 08:22

Dance shows are a chore for many. I love watching my dd or my neice dance but the other acts are of no interest so it is a long night. I would not ask them or when dd asked said "dance shows are not for everyone"

However they should not have said they will come and then cancelled they should have politely said no, I expect they are caught off guard.

I don't think they are putting your sister's dogs first, they are happy to have the excuse as they never wanted to go.

noworklifebalance · 07/02/2025 08:37

Seaside31 · 06/02/2025 23:49

I’m sorry your DD is taking it so hard @ventandrant. Sadly, there comes a time when they really see adults behaviours and start to question it.
I have similar with DHs parents - he has a sister with a 5yo and 3yo twins, and one with a 15yo and 11yo. We have a 4yo. They live 15 min walk from our house yet are always “too busy” when we try to see them (other DCs live a 5 min walk and 3 mile drive away). But they see the other grandkids multiple times a week and take them off on big days out etc. Each set of GC have their own spare room at Granny and Grandads - but not my child.

Whenever I see them they’ll tell me about family dinners etc that they’ve had and how lovely it was to have “all the grandkids round” or how it was “the best Christmas having all the GC together” - except it’s not all the GC, because mine wasn’t invited.

Anytime they’re called out on it they say that the others have always needed them for childcare so they’re just naturally closer to those GC “so tend to think of them more” 🙄 they’ve seen my DC probably 6 times in the last year - maybe for an hour each time. DC actually walked past his granny in the street because he thought it was a stranger talking to him!!!

That’s awful, I can’t imagine actively excluding a child in that way.

Inbetweensomnia · 07/02/2025 08:43

Oh op. That does suck. I was fully prepared to say yabu. My dd does a big dance show every year and I wouldn't expect anyone to sit through 2.5h of random kids doing random dances. (It's actually really fantastic but if dd wasn't in it I wouldnt make the effort). However, it seems like this is is part of a pattern of your parents being cold towards your kids. And it's horrible that they got dd's hopes up and then didn't even bother to cancel. I'd tell them how upset dd was and that while maybe you don't need as much support as your sister your kids also want to have a close and loving relationship with their grandparents and want to see that their grandparents care about them.

If they still don't take more of an interest then I guess there's nothing you can do except dial down the relationship a but so that it's not in yiur children's face.

ManyATrueWord · 07/02/2025 08:56

Saying you will do something and not doing it makes you a liar. Telling lies is bad. Don't hide the truth from your girls, tell them you can't change people and people make their own choices. Teach them to love people who choose them.

BobbySox71 · 07/02/2025 09:09

saraclara · 06/02/2025 22:01

I view my grandchildren in the same way as my children in that I want them to know that I am interested in them and support them.

That. 100%. The boringness of the rest of the event is worth it when it's so important to them and they're so happy that you're there.

When I need to pick my DGD up from school because her mum's shift doesn't finish in time, while I want to help out, the real reason I do it is to see her excitement when she sees me at the gate. And when her teacher releases her, she runs into my arms, and it's the best feeling.
I don't focus on the fact that the hour and a half return journey is tedious.

When I get to see her perform, I won't care about the boring majority of the time when she's not on stage, because it'll be worth it. Just as it was with my own kids.

My grandkids are growing up knowing that their grandma loves them, is proud of them, and will always support them.

I totally agree with you, these moments are special. Your grandchildren will remember them for the rest of their lives and that makes you special.
I understand dance performances can be tedious and we didn’t go through that with dd as it wasn’t her thing. She was into horse riding and sometimes a grandparent or uncle was around and watched her do a jumping show. She’ll always remember that
Children put their heart and soul into these things and it’s a binus if someone is there to see them

Gogogo12345 · 07/02/2025 09:09

They shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place
But yeah I'd never want to attend such things either Fortunately they all seem to happen while I'm at work