My parents missed DD's dance show again!

[ventandrant]

My DD's are in a dance show in half term - they do this show most years and there are 2 perfomances one matinee and one evening. My parents aren't really interested in my kids they never have been - every year my DD1 asks them to come and watch and there is always an excuse. This year they promised they would come and both girls were so excited.

Spoke to my mum yesterday to see if she wanted me to book the tickets or whether she was going to so it and lo and behold they aren't coming anymore as they need to look after my sisters dogs!!!

Grandparents say DD's don't need them as they are from a loving stable family and they have me and my DH but sister and her kids and dogs need help from them. My sister does struggle with parenting and her mental health but GP's definitely prioritise her family over mine.

Writing this I do sound bitter and jealous but my DD is so upset. Youngest DD doesn't care as she realised years ago that the grandparents don't like her/us.

I never complain or make a fuss and have just accepted that me and my family aren't particularly important to them but DD1 can't accept this.

I haven't really cared about their lack of interest before before because I am used to it but now I suddenly feel I need to advocate for my DD as she is distraught as they broke their promise.

Even taking unpaid time off work? Some people can't afford to do that

They just don't want to go. Now you can either accept this or make a fuss and say something. But let's face it some of these shows are pretty boring. Most of them

Typically those shows are very long and incredibly dull and every person in the audience is there solely to see their own kid perform for five minutes and then sits there painfully bored and cringing for the other two hours, wishing they could leave. No need to inflict that on extended family

Nailed it. There are three things I suffered as a parent, soft play, school concerts and dance concerts. Not a chance in hell I’d do any of those as a grandparent. I’d be more than happy to go to a park, playground, watch them do swimming or sports but that’s my limit. Dance concerts are a special form of hell designed as some torture for parents, no need for others to suffer.

However, be that as it may, they should never have said yes. I’m guessing they had no intention (fair call) but they should have declined at the outset, that’s really shit of them to say yes.

I have a friend whose been in a similar situation to you. Her mother never wants to attend any event she is asked to go that x set of grandchildren are in. When my friend was heavily pregnant a few years ago her mother prioritised something else rather than offer her the odd few hours babysitting so her daughter could have rest at 6/7/8 months pregnant and she had other children at the time. Her mother complains any time she is asked to babysit and this could be when 1 child has a medical/hospital appointment.
Her mother mean while has minded other grandchildren and helped their parents with lifts and appointments.
My friend has had to ask friends and other grandparents at times for help. The same friends know that granny lives a few miles away.

Recently her mother had some health issues and my friend just sat back and left her siblings to deal with this. My friend meanwhile has decided to make a few changes so they won't be available for a full time caring role down the line either.

Let her know in a nice way that your child was disappointed when she did not go to the dance thing. Then step back. Don't ask her to things and don't visit as much. Make plans that don't include being available for her elderly care stage. I have seen the effect of caring for elderly parents on several people I know and these were parents that helped out there adult kids and we're good to their grandchildren.

I cant think of anything worse than school plays and dance shows.
The grandparents have been all through this and dont have to do it anymore.
There your kids you go watch.
Sorry op id rather look after the dog.

It is bad that they let your daughters down every time.
I feel for your girls.
I would have a stern talk with my mother and insist that you will be purchasing them tickets next year and that showing up, just once, will make a huge positive impression on their grand daughters.

They are getting older and also your daughters will probably stop dancing so it's not as if they will suffer through many concerts.
Why could your mother not have attended on her own?

My mum is the same with my kids compared to my sisters. She's never made it to my daughters birthday as it's around a bank holiday weekend and they always choose to go away on holiday then. The one year it wasn't on the bank holiday they went away the weekend of her birthday instead of the bank holiday. I've just accepted that me and my kids are not a priority to her.

Stop asking. I don’t even like going to my own kids shows! I like watching them obvs, but not the 100 other kids prancing about for 2 hours that I have to sit through!

Recently sat through a 3 HOUR (!!!) dance show - DD was in the first half then second half for approx 6 mins each time. Then I had to sit through GCSE students dancing about war or bullying or climate change or whatever the fuck was going in there. Was hard to tell!
It’s just not my thing.
Find something else the GPS can do with her…

You started your post by writing that your parents aren’t really that interested. Yet you’re ready upset when the dint follow through with something to do with your children.

yes, while it is upsetting because they clearly don’t care enough to go to these things, it is on you for continuing to try to change them, creating unrealistic expectations that your parents will suddenly change and take interest

stop inviting them to things. Don’t crate an expectation that will just let you down. Importantly, stop creating this for your children.

next event happening, tell your child that because grandma and grandpa never come, it is probably best not to invite them that instead we can invite …….,

ate there other family members of good friends who would come? Invite those people. Talk up his great it is that xyz vand to see them. Just stop referencing the grandparents. It will become the new norm that they’re not even considered for things.

it is sad, but it is how they are. You have the ability to not be upset by their actions (or lack there of). Don’t create a situation where your child is constantly disappointed.

if at any time in the future the grandparents should suck, you tell them you stop inviting them because they always let their grandchild down. So by stopping the invitations, you stopped them from experiencing disappointment all the time.

Heavens there's some selfish people on this thread

You don't go to the dance recital because you want to. You go because your grand daughter wants you to. You go because you love them and it's important to them.

Exactly. Soon the boot will be on the other foot and will the GCs want to see or help look after their infirm grandparent? Keep them company when they are lonely? I am sure they would rather do some dog sitting.

My kid got to be a Von Trapp in Sound of Music in a local theatre production. My IL got us to buy tickets but never came. Ditto every other Show..I was also in them.

My kid ended up seeing them as only good for the money they inevitably got when they did see them but otherwise has no interest in them whatsoever. It's actually caused a strain in our relationship with our kid because they can't understand why we have anything to do with IL.

It's not just a performing child it's their grandchild.

I would calmly tell your parents that if they promise something to a child they need to follow through if at all possible. I would say something like 'even if you don't care about the dance show, don't you care about telling the truth and being someone your grandchildren can trust?'

Perhaps if they said this from the start . . . but they lied and said they'd be there. That's cowardly, dishonest and unkind. It's the kind of behavior a grandchild doesn't forget. Anyway, you don't go to a child's play or dance show for the quality of performance, you go because you love that child and want to affirm them and encourage them, and because you just love the bones of them and are delighted to see them do anything. In a loving relationship you do stuff to make the other person happy, not just only pursue what makes you happy . . . honestly, that's actually really normal.

Id still choose the dog.

How old are your daughters? After about 8 or 9 I would level the truth - ‘granny and grandad feel they need to support x more because their dad’s not around. I can see how that doesn’t feel fair / might hurt. But it’s nothing you’ve done wrong and me and dad will always be here to support you.’
Doesn't need to be critical but just honest. And then don’t bother asking your mum and dad. Their loss.

She shouldn’t have promised she’d come. That’s unforgivable

But I’d never have agreed.

Why should they have to show up though? They don't want to go and it's not heir kuds

It’s their grandchildren.

Do you never prioritise another person’s feelings by doing something they’d like you to?

How old are your children @ventandrant, and who is the eldest sibling- you or your sister?
Not that it matters, I go to all my GCs events, whether it's interesting or not.
Me and my own children feel yours and your daughters hurt and upset, as we are treated the same by my own mother!