My parents missed DD's dance show again!

[ventandrant]

My DD's are in a dance show in half term - they do this show most years and there are 2 perfomances one matinee and one evening. My parents aren't really interested in my kids they never have been - every year my DD1 asks them to come and watch and there is always an excuse. This year they promised they would come and both girls were so excited.

Spoke to my mum yesterday to see if she wanted me to book the tickets or whether she was going to so it and lo and behold they aren't coming anymore as they need to look after my sisters dogs!!!

Grandparents say DD's don't need them as they are from a loving stable family and they have me and my DH but sister and her kids and dogs need help from them. My sister does struggle with parenting and her mental health but GP's definitely prioritise her family over mine.

Writing this I do sound bitter and jealous but my DD is so upset. Youngest DD doesn't care as she realised years ago that the grandparents don't like her/us.

I never complain or make a fuss and have just accepted that me and my family aren't particularly important to them but DD1 can't accept this.

I haven't really cared about their lack of interest before before because I am used to it but now I suddenly feel I need to advocate for my DD as she is distraught as they broke their promise.

I would not even tell DD that yiu are going to ask them. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. You know what they are like so work on the basis they won't come. Don't tell DD you are asking in future and if they do come it's a bonus but if they don't DD won't know they were even asked.

"I think my DD is more upset because they go to her cousins events and birthday parties etc but not hers and has she has got older she has realised that her cousins get far more attention from the grandparents than she does."

Then you need to tell them that.

'I don't think you're seeing it from DD's point of view, mum. She sees you going to her cousins' events but not to hers. She sees the time you spend on them, but not on her. How do you think that makes her feel?'

It’s unfortunate but if they don’t want to they won’t go to these events; even though they had said they would this time which may just have been to appease you.

It’s sad to hear they invest more effort into another branch of the family. I’m guessing you’re all fairly local to each other?

My grandparents saw my cousins all the time but they lived twenty minutes down the road while my family lived three and a half hours drive away. That was easier to accept.

My parents aren't really interested in my kids they never have been

I guess then sadly you know where you stand.

I mean it's not as if it's not possible to help one more of your kids more but still be interested in the other & have a relationship with them & their kids.

Your parents obviously don't want that.

Has your sister always been the favoured one?

Have you sat your parents down and explained how this is effecting your children? Explained that it's not about the support for you two as adults but showing the children they actually care about them and how much they want your parents to be an active part of their life.

I think if not this is a perfect time to do it, explain how emotionally hurt your DD was that they promised to be there and weren't. Don't bring your sister's kids into it, just focus on the impact them breaking promises and letting down your children is having on them. If they still don't get it you need to pull back on contact to protect them ultimately.

Of course it's boring to watch other people's kids doing these kind of things but you go along because it means the world to your child / grandchild.

Can you speak to your sister? If she understood the upset it was causing your DD she might agree to look after her own dogs that night

Personally I don't think it's unreasonable for them to not want to attend.

What IS unreasonable is them saying they would come and getting their granddaughters' hopes up and then not following through on this.

It's a shame but if they are not interested they are not interested and you cannot make the be. Just make sure you do not make it a big deal of it in front if the DDs - just say "Oh what a shame they can't come - it does not matter. We will be there and clapping for you - we can't wait."

I think this is pretty common - a lot of GPs simply don't have any interest in GCs, especially once they get beyond the cute baby stage.

DS plays two instruments to a very high standard, My parents have never come to a concert or even enquired how he is progressing (not just in music but in school and life in general). We have long come to the conclusion that they simply have no interest in him and are completely preoccupied with my DS's DCs who live in the same village as them. We are 35 minutes drive away which as far as they are concerned might as well be on the moon.

Well I think grandparents can be expected to sit through it if it's important to their grandchild and they've been asked explicitly. It's just a couple of hours of boredom at the most, I don't think that's too much to do for someone you love. Seeing as they didn't come, I'd presume they didn't really care about my kids and I'd stop asking. I'd also make sure my child didn't get their hopes up. It's tough when the grandparents aren't interested, but there's not much you can do.
Accept it and move on

I agree and I don't even like dogs, but a promise is a promise.

There isn’t much more mind numbingly boring than having to sit through a dance,sport event of a child that isn’t yours.

If they have a good relationship with her generally, let it go.

I suspect that you are in the habit of not making a fuss when your parents let you down whereas your sister isn’t. So perhaps it’s time to be direct and say this. They have let your child down because it is the path of least drama.

I don’t have a sense of whether your sister is a positive force in your life. If you just didn’t see your parents and sister for a while, would they be bothered?

Also, these are (presumably) competent adults. They aren’t being made to go on a ghastly three week holiday, they can sit through a two hour dance show. Being bored for an hour will not kill them and it isn’t every week.

Well your parents and OP’s parents are interested in their GCs, just not the ones that are your children or OP’s children. I don’t think that is acceptable unless there is a relationship issue between them and you/OP.

My in-laws are like this. Dc are 12 and 9 now, they don’t bother asking anymore, they know exactly what will happen. They are particularly disinterested in dd, she’s the only granddaughter. They’ll very occasionally come and watch ds play football/rugby/cricket but very rarely even ask after dd. She’dances A LOT and they just don’t really care. Whereas they have my sil’s children twice a week for tea, do school/nursery drop off/pick up, see them every weekend, regularly have them over night etc. The excuse is that my nephew has ADHD so sil needs a lot of support because it’s very hard for her and her husband.

Not to one up on the I have it worse than you but I am an only child with an only child and my parent has no interest in my child. So it's not like her interest is going on my sibling it's just no interest full stop. Child was in a show where her 88 year old grandad came (my fil) and my friend and her child . There was a grandma that came but it was my friends mum! That's quite galling when her own one wasn't there. She says she will come to the next one but my daughter said she won't mum there will be some excuse.

I'm sorry, OP. I imagine it's truly awful for your parents to act so dismissive like that, and to disappoint a little girl after promising they'd attend is really terrible behaviour. I'd stop inviting them to protect both yourself and your DDs - treat them how they treat your family.

I’d go no/low contact. May sound extreme but after growing up in this position and knowing I wasn’t loved or wanted left me with serious mental issues. This could happen to your DDs and it’s difficult to reverse, now it is already affecting one DD it will only get worse. Exposing children to relatives who don’t care about them is very damaging, especially when they see their cousins getting special treatment.

It’s time to stop asking them. If dd is the one doing the inviting, then gently explain that your parents do not want to come so will not attend dance recitals. If you are the one doing the inviting then stop in future because you know deep down that they aren’t interested and you’ll be setting dd2 up for disappointment when they say yes but don’t turn up.

. . . and I thought it was just me!

It's particularly normal to ask grandparents to these things

It's bad enough going as a parent half the time

It's NOT particularly normal to ask grandparents to these things

It's bad enough going as a parent half the time

Loads of grandparents at DD’s dance school come to these sorts of things. It’s not unusual at all where we are. The annual show is held in a nice theatre and It’s only once a year so lots of extended family come to support the children and the dance school as a whole. A few hours once a year isn’t much to ask grandparents for really.

Its sad but things are never 100% equal.

Are the nieces older perhaps?
My parentd had more energy for my oldest. Theres only 4 years between but they went to oldests nativity and sports day etc but not youngest.
Youngest was doing a climbing activity and they said they would come to watch (a 5 min walk but didnt.
Over time the more time spent with eldest means theyve become the favourite. Basicially no 1-2-1 time with my youngest.

This is probably more common now people are having kids later so GP maybe pretty old. The other side the GP were much closer to SIL children probably like in op to do with being single mum.

I must be odd but enjoyed the dance shows and similar. You get to play spot the talent and generally watch the children progress over the years.
Another vote for an evening dvd showing with parents if there is a recording. You can then forward to the numbers that are in and best bits!