My parents missed DD's dance show again!

[ventandrant]

My DD's are in a dance show in half term - they do this show most years and there are 2 perfomances one matinee and one evening. My parents aren't really interested in my kids they never have been - every year my DD1 asks them to come and watch and there is always an excuse. This year they promised they would come and both girls were so excited.

Spoke to my mum yesterday to see if she wanted me to book the tickets or whether she was going to so it and lo and behold they aren't coming anymore as they need to look after my sisters dogs!!!

Grandparents say DD's don't need them as they are from a loving stable family and they have me and my DH but sister and her kids and dogs need help from them. My sister does struggle with parenting and her mental health but GP's definitely prioritise her family over mine.

Writing this I do sound bitter and jealous but my DD is so upset. Youngest DD doesn't care as she realised years ago that the grandparents don't like her/us.

I never complain or make a fuss and have just accepted that me and my family aren't particularly important to them but DD1 can't accept this.

I haven't really cared about their lack of interest before before because I am used to it but now I suddenly feel I need to advocate for my DD as she is distraught as they broke their promise.

It wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't promised this year. I don't know why DD takes it so personally they show no interest in her or her sister and never have so don't know why she gets so upset - tbh it wouldn't matter whether it was a dance show, a football match, school play anything involving my kids.

I have never fallen out with my mum or sister over any of it as I am used to it as my sister always needed more attention when we were growing up so I just sort of accepted being second best but it is now affecting my own DD it is becoming a real issue for me.

I don't understand the thing about grandparents not going to a dance show because they have to watch lots of other children who are nothing to do with them dance, because isn't that just what you do as a grandparent for your grandchild - I certainly hope I would do it for my grandchildren regardless if my thing or not.

@ventandrant

The only reason I voted YABU is because you know how they are. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. I know, hope springs eternal and all that, but at this point you need to accept the way they are and just stop expecting them to change.

And by 'accept' I don't mean to 'think it's ok'. I just mean accepting it's the status quo and adjusting your own behaviour and expectations to fit within that parameter. For example, if there is a situation where you do 'X' for them thinking they'll do 'Y', then stop doing X.

And do not involve your DCs in asking them to attend anything. If they ask you, don't make a big deal, just shrug and say "Oh, you know Granny and Grandad don't do that sort of thing" and let it go.

It’s sad that they promised their granddaughter to then let her down. Yes these things are boring but they are important and exciting to children. My parents have came to my daughter’s dance show every year since she was 3 years old. Now she’s older she features in around maybe 15 or so dances but they still came when she was tiny and only had one 2 minute dance. Of course it’s their choice whether they go but they should never have promised her they would go to then disappoint her.

I have a son who does musical theatre and I enjoy the shows but wouldn't expect extended family to sit through them. Not everyone's cup of tea.
If your mum had said 'no thanks' to you and your DD, would you have been OK with it? Maybe she didn't feel able to say no because she knew you'd take it badly, but really doesn't want to go to them. It was mean of her to promise and back out of it. Stop asking her. Is there another family member who might be willing to go instead to make your girls happy?

The love I have for my grandkids is almost on a par with the love I had for my kids at that age. And most of the grandmas I know feel the same.

I'd have given anything to have watched the eldest's reception class nativity, but of course, just as in her mum's schooldays, it was parents only.

Well it will bite them on the backside when their grandchildren can't be bothered to visit them! I would be disappointed too.

You need to start protecting your kids emotionally and stop trying to engage these disinterested grandparents. Don’t tell your kids they’re coming to anything, and stop asking them.

Your priority now is your own family which you have created.

Do you feel up to pointing out to your mother that she's going the right way to alienate her granddaughters, and if she doesn't build her relationship with them now she just won't have a relationship with them later, and she's not to come crying to you about it then?

YANBU.

I'm not at all sappy/sentimental/#bekind and yes, I (like most of people) find all these kids' shows boring as hell. But if my grandchild wanted me to come and was excited about it - I'd definitely suck it up, come and feign interest in the show.

I'm too young for grandchildren, but I've gone to all the shows DD was in. And I'll go to all the shows my (potential) grandchildren will be in, should I be invited.

Sorry OP your parents let you down so badly. But don't worry, eventually they'll get old and infirm and will want help and for you to visit them. Visiting old people and listening about their ailments is very boring too. Your sister can do it. With her dogs.

I’d prefer to look after the dogs and I don’t even like dogs.

But why did the GPs agree to go? Would you do that and then cancel repeatedly?

The dance shows and school plays and sports days and football matches and swimming competitions are all boring as fuck to me. But I go cos my kids want me to basically. And my parents attend some of them (not all) for the same reason. Not because they particularly want to see a dance show, but because it’s important to their grandchildren who they love.

I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable that they don’t want to attend. I do think it’s unreasonable that they said they would and then cancelled. Especially as it clearly means a lot to your DD.

Do they go to other grandchildren’s events? I think that makes a difference too

Stop putting you and your DDs through it

Distance yourselves

Those that are saying that they couldn’t think of anything more dull etc are missing the point. The grandparents told the grandchildren they would come to watch and have reneged on that - more than once, I think. Fine if they had never promised.

Disengage both yourself and your children from any expectations. And ensure that no expectations are placed on you or them to be there for them.

They do lots and lots with my nieces and nephews as my sister is a single parent - they take them swimming, to football and often go to my nieces theatre school shows but they say that is because my sister needs them because she doesn't have a husband to support her.

They have never said they don't want to sit through the shows it is more that because we are "a 2 parent 2 child mentally strong family" we don't need them but sister and her family do.

I think my DD is more upset because they go to her cousins events and birthday parties etc but not hers and has she has got older she has realised that her cousins get far more attention from the grandparents than she does.

They're expecting your DD to somehow recognise that she's 'lucky' to have two parents. That's entirely unreasonable.

They need to understand that to her, it just seems that they love her cousins more than her. And that absolutely needs to be brought home to them.

Yep, that’s pretty shitty.

I can almost predict a future post from you @ventandrant - one where you help your ailing parents (and your sister won’t be able to help obvs) sacrificing time, money and effort, they emotionally blackmail you then leave everything to your sister (because she needs it more, obvs).
My point is not about inheritance per se but how much the value you and your daughters as family members.

I agree with this.

i wouldnt let it go though. Id argue every time. The rejection from them is harming your children’s mental health. The favouritism of their other grandchildren is obvious and upsetting to your children. Every single time.

The fact that they have a dad, doesn't negate their need for loving grandparents who show an interest on them.

I think they're needs to be a serious conversation about this, to try to get them to see the situation through your children's eyes. Your parents are playing favourites, however they try to justify it. And spending far more time with, and showing much more interest in one set of grandchildren is just not on.

I'm with you OP. At this stage I'd prioritise your daughter's wellbeing. Don't ask or include them going forward - they've made their feelings clear. You need to do the same.

I hope the show goes well 😊

How do the DC know they do so much with the other DGCs -I would avoid mention of it and not spend time with the cousins.

It doesn’t matter that they don’t want to go, but it matters that they broke their promise. Kids remember who shows up for them.

Nothing you say will change how they are. You need to reduce contact between your parents and your dcs. You also sadly need to cut time spent with your sisters children so yours don’t hear what great grandparents your parents are to the cousins , while being a bit shit for yours.

Good grief. There are two of them. One could have gone while the other helped SIL, FFS.

I can't stand people who think dogs are more important than their grandchildren.