Teachers apparently telling reception children to ' stop crying '

[bapabear]

My DD hurt herself at school today.

I asked her if she was ok and whether she cried... she said ' no ', I then asked her if she cries often at school and she said ' no, I never cry because the teachers just tell us to stop crying '...

It's not a huge deal or anything and who knows what the context is that the teachers have told them to stop crying. But I don't know? Somehow it's a bit of a weird thing if true.

Is this normal ? I'm not going to make a fuss or anything but is that right ? Teachers just telling 4/5 year olds to ' stop crying ' ?

Yep! Me too! Very normal

Maybe they have said this and maybe they have dealt with some fake crying and your dd has overheard a request to stop crying

ds told me one day he sat on the buddy bench and someone came to play with him, this made me feel really sad (thinking of him sitting there all alone while other children played happily). Next day I asked him did he sit on the buddy bench and he said yes, he also picked up that I was he had my full attention. Next day again he sat on the buddy bench. So I decided to ask the teacher as by this time I had convinced myself he had no one to play with at playtime. When I asked his teacher she bust out laughing, ds had missed out the bit where the buddy bench was used as his plane to fly to different countries around the world and there was always a full flight …. She advised I walk passed at playtime and you will see (so I did and there he was flying his packed plane)

So at times there is some truth in their stories …

It's not always a natural reaction 🤣 there's absolutely an age kids get to when they work out that a sort of whiny cry noise gets adults to give in to them and they are verrrrrry quick to turn it on!! Children are cleverer than you realise

A lot of eyfs children are in the habit of bursting into noisy, attention seeking tears at the drop of a hat. Often the "feelings" they are expressing are disproportionate and don't need to be validated.

They do also misunderstand. I doubt teachers tell them to stop crying if they have actually hurt themselves.

Telling a child who just fell over to stop crying is harsh, but it's 1 teacher in a class of 30 kids - they can't have everyone crying because they wanted to be first in the line, or their pencil broke, or Jimmy won't sit next to them/will sit next to them, or they don't want to do reading today.

You can't have a class of 30 children crying to let their feelings out. And crying isn't necessarily helpful in that way anyway. You can let feelings out without crying and helping children learn that is part of getting them ready for school.

I agree. I tell my DD to stop crying multiple times a day as she will blow for the smallest of things.

Also they could genuinely say it nicely more of a awww it's ok, you can stop crying now (if they've been wailing about a snatched toy for half an hour) but kids at that age take things sooooo literally

Always funny on here when people try and be condescending when they clearly haven't read something properly.

I said it was another thread where people were overwhelmingly voting that it was OK to say it to a two year old.

Obviously.

I was thinking this, I've had children hystericqlly crying because they have red pen on their hand and they think theve hurt themselves, I probably would (nicely) tell them to stop crying as it's pen.

Would never say this. Crying is a healthy expression of emotion and children need to experience thousands of instances of co-regulation in order to learn to self-regulate. Stopping crying before you're ready is an unhealthy way of learning to suppress emotions. The research is clear and the vast majority of child psychologists would say this. However, this is unfortunately going against the grain of mainstream parenting beliefs. As can be seen on this thread and witness kn playgrounds and homes and schools everywhere! I think the tide is turning but it is very very slow.

What I will say is that it I'd also quite possible that what your child is saying isn't quite as black and white as it appears. I used to be a teacher and once had a parent incensed because her 6yo son had told her didn't do maths at school!

However it does matter that she feels as though you shouldn't cry at school, whether or not that is exactly what the teachers are saying. I doubt you'd get very far talking to the teacher about it, but could be worth a try if you think they might be receptive. I'd make it about your child rather than tell them their practice is wrong i.e. I'm concerned that she feels this way as I think it is important that she can express her emotions, can we work together on supporting her with expressing her emotions at school in ways that aren't disruptive.

Otherwise I would just focus on what you're teaching her at home i.e. it's OK to cry when you feel sad. You can also show it like this or like this. You can do this or this to help yourself feel better. Some people say to stop crying because they feel uncomfortable with other people's big feelings. But we know it's important to feel your big feelings and then you can come out the other side and feel better. Etc.

What you describe here is how I that thought it was today...so I was a bit surprised but I do understand there are nuances and I wouldn't vilify a teacher or parent for using it in some moments. But I don't think it's ok to use it when a child is in serious distress.

Regarding my DD, she's very brave when she's hurt herself physically or when she's not feeling well. I'm not sure why. She hardly ever cries about falling over or hurting herself. It has to be pretty bad for her to cry. She cries about other stuff, but not a lot at all. I explained to her that it's OK for her to cry if she's hurt or upset about something, at school or at home.

Just ignore that stupid poster. You can ask your child whatever you like!!

I think it's just really hard for people to break the cycle of how they were parented... It's only really this generation where it seems to have had much traction, and even when people are actively trying to do it that way, it is hard not to let the a bit of the old rhetoric creep in.

My personal opinion is that it's never actually helpful to say. Even in the more gentle examples people have given, they could just say something else like, 'I can see you're feeling sad. Now it's time for X.' Same effect of moving on but without explicitly saying stop showing your emotion.

Anyway, sounds like you're doing a great job parenting your daughter and that will stand her in good stead.

A 5 year old child is not "ridiculous"...

You never experienced the "wrong" type of crying then. There's nothing healthy about encouraging or feeding into it and it does the child no favours. We had a y6 yesterday wailing (completely fine before and giving loads of attitude ) because they got in trouble. They screamed even harder when they realised the fake tears didn't get them out of it. "But...but..but... I'm upseeeeet". Yeah , well so was the child they kicked (for no reason)and the staff member they told to fuck off (because they witnessed the incident and tried to deal with it).

Of course I have! You can't teach for long without coming across that. It does sound like an annoying situation that I would also find frustrating. I wasn't there but from what you say I still wouldn't want to say 'stop crying'. More like 'I think you're pretending to cry because you're in trouble and you think it will stop you being in trouble. It won't.' Etc. 'Stop crying' is too generalised in my opinion and reinforces the message that you shouldn't cry, which is why I would say something else. But if you've got to say it, this kind of situation is probably the least bad and most understandable situation in which to say it.

You can see by half the comments why children struggle with their mental health. This is not anything about the child it’s about the adults being impatient and annoyed with the child and trying to shut them down. The adults need to get a check of their emotional regulation towards the 4 year old and that’s the best way to teach a child and make them acturally resilient not just bottling up and hiding their feelings to appease the person in control

I despair for the next generation. Can’t even cope with being told to stop crying.

It depends on how it's said (reassuring vs scolding).

I would have found that, I think you're pretending etc devastating and unkind as a child, far more so than stop crying.

*Mangledrake *

Presumably if you were a sensitive child you weren’t assaulting other kids and swearing at the teachers though.

Hmm I think context is important on this one. DD is in Year One and her teacher says this to the kids. There are a few children in her class who cried loads in reception and still cry at the drop of a hat.

A recent example is a boy who was upset at something another boy had done, he told the teacher who advised him not to worry about it so he started crying in frustration as he wanted the boy told off. She told him to stop crying. There are also three girls who are besties but constantly fall out and cry about not very much at all. I've volunteered on school trips and seen it all in action.

While DD assures me she's kind to the kids who cry a lot, she says it can be really annoying as the sound means the rest of them can't hear the teacher, she says the teacher tells them to stop so they can all learn.

Indeed. We may have differing opinions about which half though.

If a child is crying it is also often hard to find out why they are crying so you need to gently encourage them to stop crying so they can properly explain the problem.

We (I mean everybody I know of my age), was often told "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about". We stopped crying too ... dud us no harm whatsoever.