Best friend angry at my government benefits

[mumof1x99]

My best friend asked me a couple of times how much money I get on benefits (I get universal credit, carer's allowance, child benefit and DLA for my child)

We generally have a very open friendship but I avoided the question a couple of times because I felt a bit uncomfortable answering

She spun it in a way that her cousin was applying for DLA for her disabled child and wanted to know what extra she could get etc

I ended up telling her and now she's been ignoring me for a week. She said it was ridiculous that I get pretty much twice as much as her full time job etc

I understand the frustration but it's not my fault, I simply claim what's out there for me to claim. I'm a single mother to a disabled child

AIBU? How can I make this right?

"I didn’t say residential school. I meant like care, where social services will take them most of the time"

Social services will rarely do this.

they will if you make them

How do you do that and before you come back some bollocks about telling social services you will leave your disabled child in their office
Theu would probably then look into taking your other kids off you
The fact is most parents of disabled children wouldn't dream of abandoning their kids and social services are very stretched at what they can off offered, there are countless struggling families uo and down the UK not getting the help they need.

lots of stuff costs extra with a disabled child,
electricity to run aids sometimes all night
heating as can't run around to keep warm, often poor temperature regulation so home needs to be 20C 24/7
extra laundry and often extra clothes bed linen etc
lots of clubs etc can't cope with disabled children so you have to stay with them even at an age when most parents drop and run,
if the child has specific medical needs or monitoring any time you need someone to care for them while you go to the dentist yourself or you want to go to another child's parents evening ( never mind wanting to go out and socialise with a friend) you will find that you need a specialist carer from an agency at 3-4 times the cost of a normal babysitter,the same increased costs apply to any form of childcare so even if you could work your childcare bill might well be very much higher.
a relative in this situation when her disabled child was collected by adapted school bus she had to be there, so this meant having to pay a child minder to pick her other DD up from her home and take her to and from school each day. she could not just drop off her DD at child minders, also when child was frequently hospitalised it wasn't the local hospital but in London 110 miles away, with associated costs
some equipment like adaptive pushchairs etc, have to be replaced regularly as the child grows
this is before you get onto needing taxis unless you have a mobility car as public transport is not suitable
this is before you think about sensory things or gadgets to help or therapy that is not provided by NHS or education department
in many areas getting even 2-3 hours respite care a month can be a challenge

@Lyraloo
"Why, can you tell me why someone with one disabled child needs twice an average wage?
all medical needs are met by the nhs, most people get a car provided with no tax to pay. I agree there may be additional expenses for equipment, again some of which will be provided by the nhs. But that equipment is not every month or even year in most cases. There may be an argument that heating costs may be higher because of the need for higher heating or being at home more, but again that doesn’t equate to double salary!
in this case, the parent who is working also must have additional costs, such as travel, childcare etc. so I agree with her that it is unreasonable that someone gets more than twice her salary."

Our electricity bill used to outstrip PIP at the highest level. At all times there was an epilepsy alarm, an oxygen concentrator, a feed pump, a bath lift, four hoists, an electric bed, two electric chair batteries, a communication device and a suction machine plugged in. The heating had to be on 20° every day, every night and the washing machine and dryer used 3/4 times a day. They never lasted long so new washers, dryers. An extra fridge for feed & medications. That's just our personal family example, I imagine some families have more devices and electrical equipment.
Then there's a van rather than economical car to fuel or taxis to pay for (one taxi in the region could fit the chair) we had to pay nurses instead of childminders. Continence supplies, the NHS provided some things but the rest were bought for eye watering prices. £20-30pcm on baby wipes for example. Things like that. It all adds up.

"they will if you make them"

Social care are not going to remove a child so a parent can work. They want to keep families together.

No but if you’re not coping, they need to take the child. The person I was responding to describes a violent child they can’t control. they will take them if you don’t have relatives that can take them

"The person I was responding to describes a violent child they can’t control. they will take them if you don’t have relatives that can take them"

It depends upon the sort of violence and who it is directed at. If it is just towards parents for example, Social Care are generally not interested.

@Lovebirdslovetea I'm more than capable of looking after my son, I don't need social services or care facilities ☺️

@Lovebirdslovetea it is a lot lot lot cheaper for the state to pay OP, DLA and carers allowance than to pay for the child to be permanently in the care of social services even if the OP could then work and become a tax paper to earn enough to pay in tax what her son's care would cost she would need a 3-400K a year job
OP do not let people grind you down,

Yeah I’m not responding to you (edited to say sorry that came across as rude I just realised, I meant I’m not saying you can’t look after your child, I was talking about someone else)

You didn't need to tell her any amount she can look up the amounts herself.
They are public info on gov website
And if she gains a disabled child or disability herself eg through accident or illness she too can claim In future lucky her eh?

I might have got a bit confused. Maybe not in the OPs case but if you cant look after your child then you can get social services to take them even part of the time. Like if your child is violent and you can’t control them.

You can't really
There maybe some extreme cases but these would be few and far between

Thank you, your answer gives some context to things and helps everyone to understand.

You gave your DC to someone else? Do you mean they actually moved in with someone else? I'm assuming that's what you mean as you are saying you would put them in residential care to work.

What this comes down to really is the salaries in the UK being absolute dogshit. There are now loads and loads of people working really hard and long hours and still really, really struggling, and they're turning on those who are getting support for no work. If wages were decent people wouldn't be like this as much.

That's totally incorrect. UK has an incredible minimum salary.

Minimum pay per hour in Japan, as an example is 5.57 GBP.

Housing is too expensive in the UK - that's what's raping us

Work generally DOES pay more than benefits. The only difference here being that OP gets MORE than standard benefits as her child is DISABLED.

Surely you can understand that?

But presumably Japan’s food is less expensive

People say this all the time, but it never seems to get through to some.
Someone with no disabilities/disabled children that is not working is totally different to someone who is disabled/has disabled kids who is not working.
The amount the first group gets is not enough to live on. For that group, work does pay. They will not be on more than someone who is working.

because they don't work, they don't incur any of the cost associated with working (travel, childcare costs etc), and the people who do work are the ones footing the bill.

There needs to be some incentive to working, why should someone work for less income than staying home?

fucking hell.when was the last time you worked as a carer? Awake multiple times in the night dealing with blood sugars/vomit/incontinence/needing to turn the person being cared for/administering medication? Unable to sleep because you have a child screaming in pain/bouncing off the walls/on suicide watch? How often have you managed multiple medical appointments every week, constant changes to medication regimes, administered therapies yourself, or took a child for therapies, washed multiple sets of bedding daily?

That carer could put their child in the care system, costing thousands more every month than they do claiming carers allowance and pip. They might not go out to work but they are on 24 hour call and working way harder than many of us.

I am sure many carers and their disabled family members would happily give up all benefits to be able to successfully work even part time. A little thought, empathy, sympathy even, wouldn’t go amiss. Just have a think about the reality of many people’s lives.

Dla which equals twice her full time job, how?

Also can she not just Google?

Um, my DP WFH so has no costs for travel etc either.

Illness/disability aside, if you look on the UC bit of the Gov website, you will see there is no way on earth that someone who is not working is better off than someone who is.