Best friend angry at my government benefits

[mumof1x99]

My best friend asked me a couple of times how much money I get on benefits (I get universal credit, carer's allowance, child benefit and DLA for my child)

We generally have a very open friendship but I avoided the question a couple of times because I felt a bit uncomfortable answering

She spun it in a way that her cousin was applying for DLA for her disabled child and wanted to know what extra she could get etc

I ended up telling her and now she's been ignoring me for a week. She said it was ridiculous that I get pretty much twice as much as her full time job etc

I understand the frustration but it's not my fault, I simply claim what's out there for me to claim. I'm a single mother to a disabled child

AIBU? How can I make this right?

I think people who claim benefits but are capable of working and just choose not to are despicable.

Benefits are for people like you, your son and quite possibly your friend. People who actually need the help, have genuine disabilities or are caring for disabled children, this includes people like your friend who is struggling but works and has a child.

Please reach out to her and help her put a claim in, even if she gets a small amount UC she may be entitled to housing benefit, council tax benefit (make sure she is claiming single person discount). But also covers her prescriptions and dentist, glasses, etc. It all helps if she is in a tough situation.

I had similar happen. I had a bunch of mum friends from the kids school. They were lovely, until they found out I claimed tax credits (because my husband's salary is.low and I ended up caring for my disabled father). One made a snide remark saying, "some of us have to go to work!" Honestly, it was as if they thought I was stealing money from them?! Ironically I'm back at work now and two of those mums are on benefits, due to caring for a disabled child/becoming a carer. I hope they realise how silly they once were. I think it's important to remember that benefits are often temporary, and that most people claim it at some point during life.

People don't normally just find out who is getting tax credits, etc. I expect that they would have to be told, by the recipient. If there is at least one thing that people should take away from this thread, it is to keep their financial affairs to themselves.

I think often people just can’t comprehend the extra expense of having a disabled child / children. My friend who is a carer alongside her dh for their children has so many additional expenses eg :
-electricity bill is high due to having to do more washing and drying than usual
-Ubers - they have one motability car as only one drives but if they have 2 appts at the same time one has to get a uber and the other drives they can’t use public transport due to their dc needs
-private therapy - the waiting lists for much needed nhs therapies are so long they’ve had to go private to meet their dc needs

Theyve had people say as well oh but the dc are in school why cant you work but not realising they have more time off and appts but also they dont sleep well and them parents need to rest in the day if they can. I think people dont understand unless they are living it or know someone who is

I agree @LadyKenya We are in strange times at the moment and I would not be disclosing my finances to anyone in real life.

The problem is not technically the amount of benefit people are receiving as it is correctly accessed but the disproportionate amount that is going towards housing, which increases the amount and makes it seem that people who receive benefits are gaining large amounts.

There will always be those that defraud the system but it is very difficult to root out those people without hurting those who really rely on the income.

Why would you tell her?

Best friend? I understand your shock and hurt but please recognise this isn’t a friend and distance yourself. The fact she is hyperfixated on money tells me there’s no true understanding on her part of what it entails daily, in fact hourly, to look after a child with additional needs. People wouldn’t believe how much financial pressure is added when you sit down and add up all the small things. I saw a post yesterday where someone was complaining that able bodied people shouldn’t be eligible for blue badges, it shows the ignorance! Refusing to educate themselves because it doesn’t impact them, until it impacts them!

Yes I would. I already gave my DC to a relative who can care for them

My constant anxiety and PTSD came from somewhere and now I have daily physical health issues because of it including nervous system and chronic IBS which is likely something else, my life is like living with the flu

Then you should know you can't just place your child into a residential school.

Why, can you tell me why someone with one disabled child needs twice an average wage?
all medical needs are met by the nhs, most people get a car provided with no tax to pay. I agree there may be additional expenses for equipment, again some of which will be provided by the nhs. But that equipment is not every month or even year in most cases. There may be an argument that heating costs may be higher because of the need for higher heating or being at home more, but again that doesn’t equate to double salary!
in this case, the parent who is working also must have additional costs, such as travel, childcare etc. so I agree with her that it is unreasonable that someone gets more than twice her salary.

We get DLA for DS, I can't say we get bags of free stuff, and we're worse off than when DH could work full time. And there is no support apart from DS being in a specialist autism base for school.

Being disable is expensive you can't just do normal activities with your children because they are just not geared up to meet the needs of children with disabilities, some disabled children will only eat certain food ,can be very destructive, things need replacing frequently
I can't tell you how many washing machine, s I go through
Most people do not get a car it's only those who meets the highest rates of DLA or PiP for the mobility component that get a car
And to meet those the person has to have significant levels of disability.

Thank you that gives a much clearer picture.

Scope’s latest disability price tag research says on average disabled households need an additional £1,010 per month to have the same standard of living as non-disabled households. This is in addition to disability benefits such as PIP or DLA. Scope says if the figure is adjusted for inflation, that would be £1,067 per month.

Many disabled people don’t have all medical needs met by the NHS.
Most disabled children don’t receive high rate care so aren’t eligible for the Motability scheme and aren’t exempt from vehicle tax.
Many do need equipment every month or year - and one piece of equipment can wipe out a whole year’s DLA and more. No, it’s not all funded.
Some people’s energy bills are hundreds of pounds extra. No, not equivalent to a whole month’s salary but added to other expenses, it all mounts up.

Someone who doesn’t work, has a disabled child and is receiving benefits does not get double the amount someone working does when you compare the same circumstances. That is because someone working with earnings half the amount the person on benefits gets would also get a not insignificant sum of money.

*high rate mobility, not high rate care. Although most don’t receive high rate care either.

The thing is that getting twice the amount of what I assume is a crap wage doesn’t mean that the person receiving benefits is the one getting too much - it’s the other person being paid too little. Rather than having the capability to see where the real problem is they then get jealous.

I missed her.
I was wrapped up in my lifestyle change and going through the process of dealing with it.
She had been supportive of it all when I was ill.
She made a throw away comment and looking back she was very stressed at work at the time and had little to no work/life balance due to her husbands job/kids ages/family support.

She lashed out/I huffed.

Ironically my health has gotten worse.

But I missed my BF for 8 years due to being too proud to have the fight and make it better

I think it's a mistake to even disclose that you receive these benefits. My husband has a serious disability, it led to him retiring early at 54. He always claimed DLA, then PIP because he was entitled to it. There have been numerous people over the years who have made remarks about over generous disability benefits and "free cars". Then there were the neighbours who objected to the disabled parking space - they seemed so lovely as well.
I'm now retired and in receipt of PIP myself as a result of a serious illness. I've not told a soul. I've learnt the hard way that people envy those in receipt of PIP, and seem to be totally blind to the lifechanging disorders that make a person eligible for it.

Rah my sister is not happy at all that I get a UC top up on top of my wage.
I honestly think that she's so consumed by bike bitter she'd rather see me with absolutely nothing.

Despite me being a single working mum, holding the first completely on my own, she begrudges me anything!!!

Some people are just like this unfortunately:(

I'm in a similar situation to yourself and your DH
My CP has deteriorated with age( muscle spasms pull on joints etc)
I'm 60 and independent but have lots of aids to help some paid for from my PIP
The ignorance on this thread is actually quite astounding.
It is not " free money" and the " perks" that PIP entitlement enables are not Perks at all. They enable someone to live a quality of life similar to an able bodied person.Be that adult or child
Not to mention the hard work and extra stress and time taken to raise a child will cause.
Shock horror.. I use some of my Mobility component on a dog Walker
My dog enriched my life beyond measure.
You can't educate stupid can you?

Please excuse my typos!!!!

*being bitter !!!

I didn’t say residential school. I meant like care, where social services will take them most of the time

@Lyraloo not all medical requirements are met by NHS, especially if complex long term psychiatric issues such as CPTSD, personality disorders etc, certain chronic conditions like ME/CFS, FND. Quite a lot of us have had to go private to have therapy or other treatments.

I can understand her annoyance but to take it out on you makes no sense. She needs a better paying job.