Best friend angry at my government benefits

[mumof1x99]

My best friend asked me a couple of times how much money I get on benefits (I get universal credit, carer's allowance, child benefit and DLA for my child)

We generally have a very open friendship but I avoided the question a couple of times because I felt a bit uncomfortable answering

She spun it in a way that her cousin was applying for DLA for her disabled child and wanted to know what extra she could get etc

I ended up telling her and now she's been ignoring me for a week. She said it was ridiculous that I get pretty much twice as much as her full time job etc

I understand the frustration but it's not my fault, I simply claim what's out there for me to claim. I'm a single mother to a disabled child

AIBU? How can I make this right?

In your experience, these free and low cost clubs cater and accept disabled children who qualify for middle rate or high rate care so have significant needs?

Where do you live? I'm sure many parents with disabled children would love to know because it isn't the general experience at all.

In the case of my friend on UC, she gets her rent paid, less council tax, the UC for herself and DC, also DLA. That's all I meant by free, actually money paid into her account without having to work for it

If her child's needs are high enough to qualify for DLA, your friend is working harder than you can understand. Xx

which covers more than the expenses

It really doesn’t. Scope’s latest disability price tag research says on average disabled households need an additional £1,010 per month to have the same standard of living as non-disabled households. This is in addition to disability benefits such as PIP or DLA. Scope say if the figure is adjusted for inflation that would be £1,067 per month.

DLA is based on needs, not diagnosis.

I wish we could do away with this whole thing about benefits being "free money".
It is not. It is compensation for not being able to work,

If you insist benefit money is "free"... what are you actually getting at? Is it to shame people on benefits? That they should be making up a shrine to taxpayers in their home, where they light a candle, whip their back, and say a prayer about being so grateful for the meagre amount they get.

If you didn't lie to get the benefits then you have done nothing wrong. Of course it's quite right and proper for a single parent who can't work due to having a disabled child to receive benefits that amount to as much as or more than full time employment. If that wasn't true we would be saying that a disabled child should grown up hungry, cold and without the basic comforts of a safe and dignified life.

The thing is you are still relatively poor compared to national averages. I have a disabled child I get less in benefits than I did before I had him and was working. I work harder now than I ever have and I get judged by people like your friend to boot.

We survive but not a decent life. It bothers me less than it might as my son can't actually access most things in life and needs constant care so even with more money I would be unable to spend it.

It's not just about the money you get now either. You cannot save a deposit for a house without loosing the UC. You are stuck renting never owning unless you own before the disability hits. I owned before the disability hit and nearly lost my house, now I can pay interest only on the mortgage but benefits don't help me pay off the debt so I will never clear it because my child won't ever live independently. So essentially I live in poverty caring until I am to old and cannot cope anymore then loose my house and have nothing to pass on to my children. You cannot pay any decent amount into a pension so will have to rely on state pension which is not enough to live in when you have rent rather than paid off a mortgage. You will loose the UC if you have a partner earning half decent money but you still won't be able to work yourself. If the partner isn't the child's father tough shit he will still be financially responsible for that child if in the same house. So who will take that on? How can you even date if you are a full time carer? Any inheritance you get will stop your entitlement to UC so you will have to live off that and not have anything to show for it or to pass on to your children. Good luck finding childcare for a disabled child so you literally cannot work in many cases. It won't just impact the carer and the disabled person either, my older child isn't disabled but she now cannot have holidays or outings because I'm too tied up caring and cannot afford it anyway. She cannot have play dates. She won't get any inheritance from me. I won't be able to support her through university. Disability impacts more than just financially while the child is a child.

I still feel uncomfortable how much I cost the state. But equally I'm angry there is no school place for a child disabled how mine is and no support for us as a family meaning even while I want to work I cannot. I'm so isolated and lonely. Most carers are. No money is worth the life we lead. But I also honestly don't believe those who are not caters who hold these views like your friend really understand the life we lead. I used to have a friend claiming disability as he couldn't walk properly but he had a great life I just assumed most people had the freedoms he had until it hit my family and the reality that there is no help other than benefits was forced on me

Yeah I think they’re taking out their arse. I think people should continue to get DLA for their children to spend on what they see fit.

Is it possible to put him into a residential care placement paid for by social services and go back to work

I have read of cases where parents have ended up putting their disabled child into a residential care placement but I can’t imagine how difficult that decision must be to make and certainly isnt straightforward.

Also worth putting out that it costs the taxpayer far more than paying benefits to a parent. Parents who dedicate their time to being a carer whilst receiving DLA/carers allowance/other benefits are saving taxpayers money.

Residential care costs a lot more than parent caring for disabled kid at home. Parent saves the taxpayer a lot in £ by doing so.

Not at all and yes absolutely anyone not able to work deserves benefits. I was talking about someone who is more than able to work but claims she's better off on benefits. Xx

You're presuming people on benefits don't have mortgages too. They don't get help either.

I guess I’m ‘lucky’ in that I can claim UC and DLA and PIP, I have 2 ASD DC and a disability myself. I do part time work self employed as and when I can, health wise and also around meeting the needs of two high needs DC. I can get by money wise, and that’s a blessing because having to care for two disabled young people is a battle in itself, the everyday grind of it, and that’s before you get to to the endless appointments, meetings, EHCP applications and reviews, benefits reviews etc etc etc.

So not having to worry about how to put food on the table is very fortunate. However, in the not too distant future my income will drop massively when hopefully the DC are able to be more independent and move on to the next stages of their lives. At that point, I will be completely fucked financially, with no meaningful work history for the last 20 years due to having to raise two SEN DC. No pension, never been able to buy a house, nothing. I would love to be able to work full time instead of mainly living off benefits, and have the security and sense of worth that comes with it. But it’s literally impossible for me to do so in the situation I’m in.

That's still not HER fault that her husband is in prison

Well its not really
Clearly you have no idea how the system works
Would you really just put your child into residential school so you could work ?
It certainly wouldnt be saving the government money as they cost £££££,s

The issue isn't you, it's that your friend who works for less than you, is paying for your benefits.

Surely you can understand that.

Work SHOULD pay more than someone gets on benefits, but it doesn't, the system is broken.

Your ignoring the fact the Op has a disabled child
In most cases wotk will pay more than a person gets on benefits
Sometimes when people get Disability payment, s they can end up with a reasonable income ,maybe more than others who work
That's because theu can't work and they or their child has significant disabilities.

But how is that MY fault? 😂 so I should just think 'nope, won't claim DLA for my child or carers for myself because my friends job doesn't pay enough' lol just not going to happen is it!

No it isn't. It depends on the benefits, the disability and the work the other person is doing.

It is not your fault. And it is worth noting that although you receive benefits - it is because you are a carer and DLA - although it goes into your bank account - does not belong to you, it belongs to the child to account for added expenses associated with disability including petrol and parking for driving to appointments, specialist equipment ect.

Is it possible to put him into a residential care placement paid for by social services and go back to work @Lovebirdslovetea

I've done this for adult DC. The council/nhs pay £320,000k a year for DC's placement. If we doubled disability benefit it would still be far cheaper for disabled people to be cared for in the home. It is a job, the government recognises it as such. Carers allowance is a taxable benefit.

He’s 4!!!

I think you will find that as the Op is the appointees, she csn spend the money how she's see fit as long as it benefits the child ,that could be on activities ,clothing, food or a gas bill etc etc.

" as IME most support is free or minimum cost for activities, especially if claiming UC, free holiday clubs and meals for the whole year."

Here there are no holiday clubs for disabled children and the standard ones won't take any child who needs individual support.

Of course she can. But in terms of how the friend is seeing it, the friend is seeing it as OP receives X in benefits when actually OP receives Y in the form of UC and carers and her child receives Z in the form of DLA. Y + Z = X