Best friend angry at my government benefits

[mumof1x99]

My best friend asked me a couple of times how much money I get on benefits (I get universal credit, carer's allowance, child benefit and DLA for my child)

We generally have a very open friendship but I avoided the question a couple of times because I felt a bit uncomfortable answering

She spun it in a way that her cousin was applying for DLA for her disabled child and wanted to know what extra she could get etc

I ended up telling her and now she's been ignoring me for a week. She said it was ridiculous that I get pretty much twice as much as her full time job etc

I understand the frustration but it's not my fault, I simply claim what's out there for me to claim. I'm a single mother to a disabled child

AIBU? How can I make this right?

It's not OPs fault that she had a disabled daughter. I'm really not sure what is that's so hard for you to grasp.

Lie to get benefits, how does this work? I am interested to know, because as a disabled person, I know that I have had to produce proof of disability, even just to access a disabled bus pass. I would love to know how to get more 'perks' just by lying.

Lmao your friend is a ridiculous human being and frankly someone this envious is not a friend. I can understand a bit of envy but to stop talking to you? Throw her away! It's people like her that will end up anonymously reporting you if they think you might be defrauding the system even if it's not true.

@Daisymae23 I wasn't suggesting she should do it. I was trying to show how it costs 10x more to care for disabled people out of home.

People are missing the point spectacularly. It's cheaper for the government to do it this way, that's why benefits aren't capped and it's equivalent to a full time wage. They also cover carers national insurance.

I had a similar conversation with my BF around 12 years ago.

She belittled people on benefits, calling them scroungers and being really cross that she was paying for my lifestyle.....even though she knew at the time I was really struggling for money.
Yes I was getting DLA but I had had to leave a well paying job, my health was in tatters and I had high mortgage payments.

I didn't speak to her for 8 years.

And I regret every single day of that.

We are back on contact now, but it's not the same. We'd been BF since school had lived together, grown up together, made all our mistakes together, met ourr husbands, were in each others weddings, became mothers at the same time.

She was frustrated, I was worried and sensitive and it all blew up.

Just look on here to see how people are mislead by the media to hate on benefit claimants
It can happen to our friends and family too.

If your friend is important to you, make it up. Explain your side to her. If she accepts it maybe your relationship can be repaired

People who blame the claimants and not the system are stupid. She should be angry at the people who pay her wages and the people who make it possible for her wages to be so low. Do not apologise or try to make amends, SHE is being unreasonable.

Oh I see!! Yes, I totally agree with you. My friend has access to specialist respite care for certain hours of the week… these specialists carers receive a much larger wage to what she receives as his carer for the rest of the time. But she preforms the same tasks as they do… caring for a family member is probably one the worst ‘paid’ roles out there.

my heart goes out to OP and anyone else in this situation. Not only do they face the harshness of this responsibility but also the judgement of others.

Why did you regret it? She sounds judgemental. You can do better.

How do you make it right?

I think you should empathise. The issue isn’t really that you are getting too much, but that she is getting too little in her full time job.

If she is a good friend to you then this is probably just her frustration that she works all hours for very little so perhaps she just needs some support?

If you value this friendship and want to try and work it out, then maybe try and help her figure out how she could improve her earning power. She is fortunate that she is able to work. Could she upskill? Train? Look for better roles?

Alternatively, you are giving her too much credit and she is just a dick that you are better off without.

Someone mentioned upthread disability benefits should be calculated on a need basis. When DC lived at home I was working 18 hours a day (caring for them, around the clock) had I been paid minimum wage I'd have brought in £5.5k a month. I worked more hours than all of you full timers. I think you're lazy but somehow you still find time to post on Mumsnet.

Have things improved for you in that time, regarding your health? I am just asking because if you are still receiving a disability benefit, how has your friend changed in regards to her attitude towards that fact?

There’s a broader conversation around how we value people’s labour. Salaries haven’t kept up with the cost of living for many years now. And people caring for family members save the taxpayer an absolute fortune, but domestic labour is not recognised.

Your friend now knows things about you that are highlighting the financial difficulties of her situation ie husband in the clink and probably money worries.

Yes life is unfair. But your child has been dealt an unfair blow by having a disability which will have a huge impact every single day for the rest of their life.

She's forgotten that in her anger at life and her husband.

Your question was about you not wanting to lose your friend. So if it were me and I really wanted to give her another chance I would message her to say:
"I'm sad that you don't seem to want to speak to me and I miss you.

I know things are difficult for you just now but from our last conversation, it feels like you've fallen out with me over money, because my disabled child legitimately gets benefits and will do for the rest of their life as they will always have difficulties and be disadvantage.

You've known me for years. I thought we were good friends. I'm not some lying cheating money grabbing person. All I've done is legally and properly claim what my child entitled to. It's used for them.

You too can get help from citizens advice to claim all benefits due to you for your circumstances as a single parent with DH being in prison.

I think his situation is what's prompting you to be so angry. But it's not my fault so why's it directed at me. I don't determine how the benefits system works. So I don't think it's fair that you're angry at me when I've done nothing wrong.

I hope we can move past this as I don't want to lose your friendship because of money. If it's something else that you are angry at me about please tell me as I have no clue."

If she doesn't reply she's not worthy of your friendship. Dump and move on.

OP and others in her situation are not better off than people who work. Think about it: the likelihood is that they have no choice but to stay home looking after their disabled children 24 hours a day, they don't get holidays, sick pay or anything similar, their lives are a constant round of physical care, nappy changing, feeding, medical appointments, medication, hoisting their child into chairs, beds, baths, wheelchairs etc, often dealing with violence and destruction. If anyone who goes out to work every day seriously feels that carers of disabled children are better off, I'm sure they'd be delighted to do a swap.

There are certain benefit claimants that do piss me off - people claiming they can never work again due to anxiety for example. I don't however begrudge anyone with a disabled child receiving help.

I think the problem is so many children are being diagnosed with ADHD and autism now, and I believe parents can claim for these. Most people have ADHD in some form, and we're all on the spectrum. Of course there are there extreme cases of these that would make getting a job and looking after children difficult, but I think it's all getting a bit over the top.

I think those are the sort of situations people can eye roll over, a genuinely disabled child though is obviously a completely different matter. After and of course you deserve government help.

Well, you could point out that her husband in prison is currently costing the state around £40K a year, so notionally between them they are better off than you. But I suspect that would make her go nuclear.

Well that's nonsense
We are not all on the spectrum somewhere neither does everyone have ADHD
And a DLA goes off how the disability impacts a person not the actual diagnosis
The autism soctrum is for example huge ,some people with a diagnosis will not meet the criteria for an award whereas other,s will meet the criteria for the highest rates of DLA.

”put” a child who’s not even secondary school age into some form of institution? Like boarding a cat? Surely you can understand that a young child needs to be with his mother? That’s vastly different from the care of an adult. Your suggestion is not child focused but as you’re indifferent to the feelings of the child, and indeed the OP, you must grasp that institutional care would cost the taxpayer far more than the OP could earn.

My issue is that the friend's DH, in prison, is costing the country more than the OP's benefits, the justice system costs a fortune.

@mumof1x99 that's who your friend should be angry at, her DH and every man in that overcrowded prison. Prisoners have poor health, so they inpact on the NHS as well. The UK spends a fortune on things we could avoid. There's knives out for disabled people and everyone knows someone with a bit of a bad back but gets a hefty wedge to live on. When my DD used to get picked up by her SN bus I'd have comments about not having to do the school run and my DD getting funded breaks. My DD's investment by the government paid off, she's in full time work. She was briefly on UC (waiting for a DBS) and got congratulated and a well done by every advisor she saw.

Not so. OP has not mentioned her friend's age on this thread, and has made it clear she is not the person mentioned in the other thread people have referred to.

No it isn't. OP hasn't suggested anywhere that her friend is 48

@HoppityBun I can't explain this again. It's like trying to educate a stone.

Most people don't have ADHD and we're not all on the spectrum. You're either autistic or you're not. And ADHD is also a Neurodevelopmental conditions and disability. I have it and need medication to function like a typical person.

Also DLA goes on the care needs of the child not the diagnosis. There has to be evidence your child has care needs that are significantly higher than those of a child their age.

For example DD11 has ASD, ADHD, Learning difficulties, a heart defect, and a couple of other Neurodevelopmental conditions. I had to fill out a 60 page form and evidence everything in order for her to get awarded DLA. I have to repeat this process every two years. To get high rate care I had to provide reports detailing her sleep disorder, and talk about how often she wakes, how medication doesn't work, how she needs supervision at night etc etc. On top of evidencing all her extra care needs such as needing support with basic hygiene, struggling to process instructions, functioning at the cognitive level of a 6-8 year old, attending special school etc.

When she he got awarded low rate mobility, it was because we'd evidenced she cannot navigate around familiar areas, would not remember who to call if she was lost, would not be able to ask a stranger for help, but also being so socially vulnerable that she would let someone lead her into danger because she wouldn't dare speak up or make noise.

If she had her diagnosis but didn't have these needs, we would (rightly) get nothing.

I wasn't accusing anyone of lying I was assuming the answer was that of course OP wasn't lying. It is possible to lie to get benefits - it's not possible to prove how much pain any given activity gives you for example, and to do cash-in-hand work despite being "officially" unable to work, but it's vitally important in a civilised society to have a safety net that gives appropriate benefits where needed, no system will ever perfectly identify 100% of those who need hel and exclude 100% of those who don't and it's far better for the boundaries to be set so that some people get benefits they don't deserve rather than tightening the criteria and excluding some whose need is genuine. OP appeared to be feeling guilty because her friend had a stupid reaction and I was merely saying that only those who are fraudulently getting benefits they shouldn't be entitled to have anything to be feeling guilty about, which I don't accuse anyone specifically of doing.

If she's resentful about something like this, she's a twat and definitely not your "best" friend! She wangled the information out of you by deceptive means, I doubt her cousin is even applying for benefits!
I would never ask my best friend how much she gets in benefits, the same as she'd never ask me about my income. There are some things that are private and to me, money is one of them. Even between good friends.
I'd fade this one out, she's always going to resent you for this. 💐