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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To complain about the amount of bereavement leave a colleagues has been given

332 replies

Justgoogleitlater · 05/02/2025 06:53

To preface, this is not about my colleague who I really like and I feel truly horrendous for her that she's lost her Mum. By all means, they should do what they need to for them and why not take this if its being offered. My issue is with the management who have approved it.

The problem is we are a very small team and she has been off for a month. She is now about to come back but has an agreed phased return in place that will last another month and the rest of us in the team are having to cover an awful lot that we simply don't have the capacity for. We have a lot of responsibilities that, from upper management, all need to be prioritised so everyone is now having to squeeze in a lot more to accommodate this colleague's leave and it has been incredibly difficult. Several staff have acrewed significant TOIL which my manager will not approve for them to take back yet because we are so short staffed.

The policy clearly states that bereavement leave can be offered for 3 days. Whilst I know this leave can be extended at the manager's discretion, what has been approved feels so excessive and with no consideration to the impact having so much leave has on the rest of us.
I have worked in the NHS a long time and never known anything like this amount of bereavement leave being approved. The most I have seen a manager approve before is 2 weeks and no phased return. And before anyone says, I know it is being recorded as bereavement leave and not sick leave because part of my responsibility is to log it on ESR as a proxy for our manager.

WIBU to go above my manager and complain about the decision to approve this.

OP posts:
Cattery · 05/02/2025 11:05

She’s lost her mother. Get a grip

BatchCookBabe · 05/02/2025 11:08

I'm not even going to write what I think about you for posting this horrible thread @Justgoogleitlater because I will get the comment deleted, but FFS, this woman has lost her MOTHER. Have a bit of compassion and sympathy. I lost my mother when I was 29, and had 2 small toddlers. I had 2 months off work, (I was part time 3 days/24 hours a week) as it nearly broke me. You would have HATED me. I wonder if some people were carping about me, and bashing and slating me behind my back, like you're doing here about this woman?!

And you want to put in a complaint about it, after nosing in her file and seeing it's not 'sick leave?' Seriously, have a word with yourself! Hmm Your behaviour is literally a disgrace! And the few posters saying 'oh but I lost this person and that person and I returned to work within 3 hours' need to have a word with themselves too. Not everyone is the same! Hmm

And as previous posters have said, it's not that lady's fault that the staffing is poor where you work!

MrsSunshine2b · 05/02/2025 11:08

It's a silly policy.

My friend recently lost her husband very suddenly. She has 2 children under 5. She has been off work for 6 months and is still not ready, I'm not sure she ever will be.

My husband has spoken to his parents once in the last 20 years and it ended in an argument. When they die, if he's told, he might need an hour to process it and if he needs to organise the burial then he might take a day to do that.

How can there be a one-size-fits-all "bereavement policy"?

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 05/02/2025 11:15

You don’t know the situation… perhaps her mum had dependents that the colleague has now got to care for. Can’t sort out stuff like that in three days can you.

SassK · 05/02/2025 11:17

MrsSunshine2b · 05/02/2025 11:08

It's a silly policy.

My friend recently lost her husband very suddenly. She has 2 children under 5. She has been off work for 6 months and is still not ready, I'm not sure she ever will be.

My husband has spoken to his parents once in the last 20 years and it ended in an argument. When they die, if he's told, he might need an hour to process it and if he needs to organise the burial then he might take a day to do that.

How can there be a one-size-fits-all "bereavement policy"?

The scope of the policy isn't one size fits all though. These NHS policies are guidance, ultimately it's at manger's discretion. Which is why the OP is on a hiding to nothing. The employees who'll quote policy chapter and verse tend to be problematic in general; they're never team players (regardless of how much they claim to be).

cadburyegg · 05/02/2025 11:18

Christ, my mum is the most important person to in the world to me, after my children. When she dies I'll definitely be off work for more than a month. You sound heartless

LolaPeony · 05/02/2025 11:22

Just work your hours, and get done what you can in that time.

Communicate to management that you cannot complete all the tasks you have been set in the time available, and ask what they want you to prioritise.

This is nothing to do with your colleague, but with managers having unreasonable expectations based on the level of resource available.

Notgivenuphope · 05/02/2025 11:25

If you do not understand what complex grief can look like, you are very lucky.

Mama2many73 · 05/02/2025 11:26

Think I'd be acknowledging how difficult uour colleagues life is right now and obviously it's important she receives what she needs, but is there any way ghat rather than remaining staff suffering with the additional work, that staff could be brought in to help with some roles, or even a manager to step up for a few days a week!

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 05/02/2025 11:27

3 days bereavement leave is nothing. It’s good that the company is giving her more. They need to find a way to make it work.

Annoyeddd · 05/02/2025 11:30

We had a real bitch of a senior manager NHS wouldn't let people have more than minimum bereavement or compassionate or carers leave. Refused Christmas leave (the three days in the middle) for someone with very young children and the nursery was closed saying don't they have another parent (well actually no) - the rest of the team were okay about the arrangement. She took over post merger of a trust and was not happy that people had already booked leave during school holidays (again team happy as the others were happy to have leave when travel was cheaper).
We then found out she had been off for six months when her mother died but obviously didn't think that compassion applied to other people.
Fortunately she left a few months later to a promotion FFS elsewhere.

SassK · 05/02/2025 11:30

Mama2many73 · 05/02/2025 11:26

Think I'd be acknowledging how difficult uour colleagues life is right now and obviously it's important she receives what she needs, but is there any way ghat rather than remaining staff suffering with the additional work, that staff could be brought in to help with some roles, or even a manager to step up for a few days a week!

The OP is NHS. There is no such thing as cover for annual and sick leave. The NHS runs on the goodwill of (some) staff.

SassK · 05/02/2025 11:34

Annoyeddd · 05/02/2025 11:30

We had a real bitch of a senior manager NHS wouldn't let people have more than minimum bereavement or compassionate or carers leave. Refused Christmas leave (the three days in the middle) for someone with very young children and the nursery was closed saying don't they have another parent (well actually no) - the rest of the team were okay about the arrangement. She took over post merger of a trust and was not happy that people had already booked leave during school holidays (again team happy as the others were happy to have leave when travel was cheaper).
We then found out she had been off for six months when her mother died but obviously didn't think that compassion applied to other people.
Fortunately she left a few months later to a promotion FFS elsewhere.

Some managers (as well as some staff, such as the OP) use policy in a text book fashion. And yes those are the worst managers, with the unhappiest teams.

The OP should be grateful to have an understanding manager, because at some point she'll need that understanding too, and be grateful for her colleauges picking up the slack.

TallulahBetty · 05/02/2025 11:35

Surely not all that is bereavement - she is likely signed off sick now, in which case your manager has no control over that anyway.

RachelLikesTea · 05/02/2025 11:36

When my dad died, my brother was told to take as much time as needed by his work. I only worked 1 day a week at the time but my employer said the same. Neither of us took more than a couple of weeks. I don't think the leave she has been granted is any of your business. If you can't cope with the workload then you should speak to your managers about that, in isolation. Keep your colleague's bereavement and the leave out of it because it just makes you sound really unkind to question the amount of time she needs.

TheGoogleMum · 05/02/2025 11:36

My friends mum recently died and she's finding she needs a lot of time to do all the admin nevermind the actual grieving! YABU, a parent dying can be awful and there's no rushing the grieving process

Gall10 · 05/02/2025 11:37

Completelyjo · 05/02/2025 07:00

Imagine working with a colleague like you!!

Her leave is non of your business. If your work load is a problem then take it to the appropriate person.

Only correct reply!

YouZirName · 05/02/2025 11:38

This is one of the most disgusting, heartless, vile things I've read on MN.

It's a job. At the end of the day it doesn't bloody matter if you're behind, or late, it's just a damn job. Someone has lost one of the mos important people in their lives, and doesn't deserved to be rushed through their grief because it would be more convenient for you. JFC.

joanofaardvark · 05/02/2025 11:44

I understand your point OP. In fact it would do some of the nasty posters on here to READ your first para:

To preface, this is not about my colleague who I really like and I feel truly horrendous for her that she's lost her Mum. By all means, they should do what they need to for them and why not take this if its being offered. My issue is with the management who have approved it.

Your managers appear to be emotionally blackmailing you and your colleagues to cover work for free (because it's bereavement leave, don't complain) when they should be hiring a temp/temps to provide adequate cover. It's absolutely not fair that you and your colleagues should have to do that.

But it is for the managers that approved the leave to sort the cover out. You can't oblige a grieving person to work when they cannot. It's not about the leave approved, it's about the lack of a replacement. Your managers would be really stuffed if they lost more staff due to burn out or stress.

Frazzled2108 · 05/02/2025 11:47

Christ. You sound delightful. Let's hope you never have to manage a traumatic bereavement. I can't actually believe you have wrote this!!

Get on with your work and mind your own business.

Chandlerbuffay · 05/02/2025 11:48

Justgoogleitlater · 05/02/2025 07:03

She's not been signed off sick, I log the leave and it's specifically bereavement leave.

It’s sounds like it’s been granted at manager’s discretion, do you know the detail that has been agreed here? I think probably no, so in that case it’s not your concern how much leave she has been granted.

Approach manager about the lack of safe staffing levels, which is very much your concern

Annoyeddd · 05/02/2025 11:50

If a patient needed an expensive treatment as an NHS to improve their lives for six months then the prescriber would have to apply for funding looking at all the criteria and then may be accepted or refused.
My former manager being off for six months probably cost the NHS about £70000+ (8c salary plus pension and national insurance).

Loub1987 · 05/02/2025 11:50

This is one of the most horrible OPs I have read on Mumsnet.

5128gap · 05/02/2025 11:51

Yes you would be being unreasonable. You have no right to complain about the positive treatment of a colleague. What you do have a right to complain about is detriment and difficulty for yourself. So stick to this and complain about your unreasonable work load, refusal of TOIL etc without linking the two. Their responsibility to you does not include changing their behaviour to her, so its an unreasonable ask. It does include ensuring you are not suffering detriment, so stick to that.

bakebeans · 05/02/2025 11:54

Justgoogleitlater · 05/02/2025 07:03

She's not been signed off sick, I log the leave and it's specifically bereavement leave.

I was going to say, usually it is 3 days as bereavement and then sick leave. 4 weeks is classed as long term sick leave and therefore would return on a phased return basis but again that is discretionary on the manager