Should DH have offered?

[cookingthebooks]

long back story condensed into a sentence. I gave up my job, social life, hobbies pretty much everything when our child was born severely disabled and needed constant care. DH was older, earnt way more and wasn’t willing to do it. I made the best. Over the past 4 years (DC are 3 & 5 now) I’ve grown to resent him deeply. He’s a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable but works 70 hours a week and his career is number 1 priority (doctor).

Last night he was due on a night shift and the kids and I got really poorly, I’m talking stinking grotty colds we’ve been coming down with all week but they just ramped up. Disabled DS had been up most of the night before so I was already exhausted on top of poorly. It was really rubbish. Im a plodder and I don’t ask DH to be off work but I’ve stressed to DH that I need him to offer as it makes me feel respected and like I have a safety net. I was crumpled on the sofa last night feeling awful and as he was walking out the door he said ‘at least it’s bedtime’ knowing full well neither child goes to bed or sleeps well when this poorly. I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left. I rang him on his way to work and reiterated just how unsupported I feel by him and honestly (finances aside) might as well be a single parent. He said I was wrong and unreasonable then stayed silent. (How he deals with all my unhappiness)

Id get it if I were a pee taker but he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go. Should he not at least offer?

This lovely advice 👏🏼👏🏼

I had a partner who had a job similar. Also had a friend in same position. None of our friends understood why just telling DHs to go in late or take a day off was feasible. I just accepted that his input was never an option . I had to develop my own support system and my friend and I helped each other , family, paid childcare.

But a disabled child is a whole different scenario . It is nobody's fault and to be resentful is normal. Caring for your child is all consuming and it is really hard for you to take a break from this . Are you involved with any organisations or services? Is respite an option? Maybe an au pair just to be an extra person in the home .
The other side of this too is that you say DH is a great provider . At the moment he seems to be in an intense period in his career/ training . As he progresses his hours may decrease . It is a longterm commitment. His hours reflect the money he provides . Nine to five just doesn't cut it in order to be a SAHM.

So no then

i understand personal experience, and genuinely feel for any parent of a child with disabilities (I’m one myself) but I thought your post was unnecessary harsh, reductive, and not based on facts/truth.

genuinely wish you the best

I know exactly how you feel op, having a disabled child is tough. Your DH threw himself into “provider” role because that’s the only thing he had control of. You threw yourself into carer role because someone had to & it made sense at the time. It’s tough for all of you. You are both doing your respective roles incredibly well, but cracks show when illness, tiredness & a bit of despair about the future creeps in. It may be “just a cold” to some, but it was breaking point for you. You needed him to step in & he had too many plates spinning already and couldn’t drop one.
You need to communicate. Neither one of you are communicating well enough. He will also be feeling under pressure & feeling a bit helpless about changing anything.

Can you look at outsourcing some of your jobs so you have a little left in the tank in times of need? DH is the financial provider, so he either reduces his hours to cover some of the workload or he financially provides for outsourcing. A cleaner once or twice a week would give you more time & headspace for other things. A carer/PA an hour or two a day would give you some respite & also provide someone to call on when u r ill. Get a needs assessment done if not already had that & there will be funding available for that if DC qualifies. Are you claiming all disability allowances available? Use some of that to outsource some help.
You must communicate how close to burnout you are without shifting the blame (it’s the situation that’s the problem not either of you as individuals) make it clear that if your burnout tips over into a full breakdown, he’ll have everything to cope with & you want things in place to avoid that. Hopefully you’ve already thought that his salary needs protected in the event of illness, injury or death, but if not, ensure you discuss covering that too.
You are the family organiser, so unfortunately it’s on you to take the lead in finding a solution, but as he’s the financial provider, he should be happy for funds to be used in that way.

Good luck.

Oh but you’re all over here telling folks to ignore other posters

Ive suggested one poster ignored your nonsensical post about childcare availability for those who have a disabled child and I did it after you contradicted her when you told her she was mistaken.

hurling abuse at them saying they don’t have a grasp of reality and making big statements

I didn’t make any big statements. I posted a fact. And I certainly didnt hurl abuse.

Whilst objecting when anyone else does

I objected to you doing what you did when you rubbished a mother’s response and told her she was mistaken - when she wasn’t.

This is as much time as you’re going to get from me today and I’m sure you’ll be thankful for that.

Maybe because she reasonably assumed her husband wasn't lying to her about his willingness to make changes if she had the second child??

The responses to the OP on this thread have astonished me, there are obviously a lot of posters on here with the same lack of empathy as the OP's husband. Caring for a child with severe disabilities can break you, there is very little help available, and often even if you have the budget to pay for help, it can be hard to find reliable carers. OP is very clearly at the end of her tether coping with a situation that she did not choose. I've been there with a child with severe mental health problems, and I've been almost suicidal at times with the strain of it (and my DH isn't nearly as bad as OP's).

As a bare minimum OP, pack it in with the "good wife" stuff. You already have a more than full-time job caring for your disabled child, and whatever time you have spare around that should go to your other child and your own self-care. Your husband is a grown man, he can sort himself out. He's not doing you a huge favour supporting your SAHM "lifestyle", you're doing his share as well as your own with the kids that he wanted and co-created. Yes he's a doctor but that doesn't absolve him of all responsibility for his family other than paying for it. When he's not working he needs to be doing as much as he can at home, not revelling in his "great deal".

In the longer term, insist that there is some paid respite, that he talks to management about finding rotations nearer to home, and that steps are taken to allow you to restart your career. He doesn't get to make promises and then just break them at your expense. I have the utmost sympathy for you, and I hope things improve for you soon.

In these kind of circumstances going to work full time is by far the easier option!

Stop providing that deal. He can make his own lunches and launder his own clothes. Carve out some time for yourself.

I agree that it probably did sound harsh and it wasn’t my intention. But the content was based on the reality for many people who have a disabled child and it’s not just the dads.

It may not have happened in your circle but it happens and it happens a lot. You only have to look at the divorce rate in those couples who have a disabled child to see that marriages are impacted more than the norm.

The situation the other night with the Op was only the tip of the iceberg and it was obvious to me in the second sentence what this really was about. He’s not on board.

In this situation he has his job to use as a front but if he didn’t it would be a hobby.

I’d say you were nbu if he had an office job and could work from home but he’s a doctor - he can’t be off work when he’s not ill to help an adult who is ill. Horrible as you felt, and I do have sympathy, it’s one of those things. However, all the other things you say about him putting himself and his career first above you and his disabled dc aren’t acceptable, no.

If your child was ill in hospital and there was no doctor to see him, would you be happy hearing it’s because he stayed home cause his kid had a cold?

I would love it if OP insisted on doing this. The look on his face would be priceless.

I get it must be tough but an on call doctor can’t just stay home because you’ve got a cold!

would you be happy hearing it’s because he stayed home cause his kid had a cold?

But it wasn’t because the child had a cold. It was a build up of everything that caused the Op to be exhausted and needing help that night. You can’t pick and chose them. They come up on you and one day you just go down.

Remember that there’s more of an iceberg under the water than there is above it.

For BillDavey, 😊

All the very best to you and yours also.

Your comment here demonstrates that your issues run much, much deeper than your husband simply not offering to stay home when you and your children are unwell. You need to address your thoughts and resentments with him.

Not quite your situation but my husband does the same job and the rule we have is that he will stay home if I'm vomiting. Otherwise I cope. We just can't justify cancelling a day of patients for anything less than me being completely unable to care for the kids. I understand your perspective, but really don't think you should be asking him to offer something he can't do on the understanding that you'll say no. Better to be clear with him if you need more help/a break on a regular basis and find ways to make that happen and to agree under what circumstances it would be reasonable for him to stay home so that you aren't having to have these conversations when you feel ill and miserable.

I would HATE this set up and my dh doesnt earn enough which is i dont have it

I would take a long term view both on family life and finances.
In order:

• Double check you are accessing everything you are entitled to
• look into some kind of respite care or help for your disabled child
• work out what would make your life easier day to day and pay for that help (even if it means saving less or a staycation instead of a holiday... id rather have the benefit 50 weeks a year)
• get and use specialist babysitters regularly so your children are familiar with them. Go on date nights with your DH.

This has 3 benefits.

1. Reconnect with dh
2. Time off
3. It means in a pinch you have someone known to the kids who can maybe come help you out when things like the other night happened.

• work out what you want long term and start lining things up
• check your pension credits

That is absolutely no concern of the OP. It's the concern of the NHS to make sure they have staff to cover other staff absence.

finances aside) might as well be a single parent

Your live would be x100 worse. There's no finances aside, because he is solely responsible for all of you. If he messes up his job then what? I get that it's hard but can you work out affording some additional home help?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you are ill, tired and overwhelmed. Your DH could have at least offered. Yes he is a Dr but even Drs have home lives and commitments outside of the job. Locums can be called, cover can be arranged. They are his children too, and you are his wife, maybe now and then you get to come first.

I agree, this isn’t about her husband, it’s about resentment at being a sahm and feeling like she’s no choice as she said. The thing is she does have a choice.

She absolutely can get specialist carers for during the working day and go back to work. She doesn’t need to do this. No matter how many people scream she does, she’s no option and there is no care available. There is. She simply needs to pay for it and get the right level of qualified person or people. Yes it will cost but her earnings would pay for this in large, if not all, depending on how much she earns.

staying at home is a choice. When you boil it right down. It is a choice.

Absolutely this ^

I don't necessarily think you owe him an apology for the way you feel, but maybe a calm conversation about how to stop it happening again might be more useful.

I have 3 children, one severely disabled and yes, my career completely fizzled out. I did do some part time work in a school whilst they were at school but the majority of the care fell to me as we needed my husbands salary to pay the bills . He wasn’t a doctor, but I still don’t remember him taking time off work if I was ill, it just couldn’t happen. Now my child is an adult it just has become so much harder and I have taken early retirement to deal with this.
I always wryly smile when people suggest respite, it’s so hard to come by, and get funding for, and then your child has to get used to going, and not be ill when they’re due to go. We’ve only just found a fantastic respite carer after 34 years! And I still have to fight with the council to get a few funded weeks a year. And then when my young adult goes to respite I get nervous going away in case she gets homesick or ill. It’s a nightmare. I’ve had to accept that my life is going to be different to everyone else’s, and part of that has been accepting that my husband’s career has to move forward in order to support us. However he does and always has done a lot for all the children, and now for our adult offspring. When he was working and I was ill I just had to get on with it.