Should DH have offered?

[cookingthebooks]

long back story condensed into a sentence. I gave up my job, social life, hobbies pretty much everything when our child was born severely disabled and needed constant care. DH was older, earnt way more and wasn’t willing to do it. I made the best. Over the past 4 years (DC are 3 & 5 now) I’ve grown to resent him deeply. He’s a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable but works 70 hours a week and his career is number 1 priority (doctor).

Last night he was due on a night shift and the kids and I got really poorly, I’m talking stinking grotty colds we’ve been coming down with all week but they just ramped up. Disabled DS had been up most of the night before so I was already exhausted on top of poorly. It was really rubbish. Im a plodder and I don’t ask DH to be off work but I’ve stressed to DH that I need him to offer as it makes me feel respected and like I have a safety net. I was crumpled on the sofa last night feeling awful and as he was walking out the door he said ‘at least it’s bedtime’ knowing full well neither child goes to bed or sleeps well when this poorly. I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left. I rang him on his way to work and reiterated just how unsupported I feel by him and honestly (finances aside) might as well be a single parent. He said I was wrong and unreasonable then stayed silent. (How he deals with all my unhappiness)

Id get it if I were a pee taker but he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go. Should he not at least offer?

Wow, this is absolutely brutal. Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

Take no note of people like this OP. It's very sad anyone would talk to a struggling human this way.

Shame on you.

My late OH was a doctor. There was no question that he could just take time off if things were difficult at home for some reason. I just had to get on with it. It;'s tough but that is how it is.

Do you need to buy in some help at home?

This is the most nuanced and reasonable post.
The dh is out working long shifts with a 3hr commute per shift. He's not on a jolly.
The OP is at home alone with 2 high needs children, kicking back relaxing, but it's clear from some that that's what opposing sides seem to think the other is doing.

OP, if I were you, I'd turn that around on your DH. There's a lot of focus on what he can and cannot do in terms of his job. He "needs" his rest as he works 70 hours a week, he "cannot" take time off to support you. I'm sure it's true.

Equally, though, you're burned out and cannot go on. Right now you're both making that your problem. What does HE suggest? The children are his responsibility, too. What does HE think you should do, as a family, to ensure you get the support you need?

Op is an adult and could have said no.

And then what? With a disabled child there is no option for childcare. What do you think she should have done instead?

OP, you have the income to raise a family but not the personal support. I don't see how DH could have cancelled his shift at short notice because his family have colds, but I do think he can and should talk to you properly about his role in the family and how he can support you better emotionally and practically.
If the two of you agree to him working these long hours indefinitely, and you don't have good local support from family, then you probably need access to paid childcare to give you a break and to cover for these very difficult times. Suppose you could have phoned a trusty nanny and asked her to put the children to bed and sleep in the spare room to be there during the night, while you had a proper night's sleep, would that have helped? It would be expensive but maybe worth it.

When my eldest was born, I was so lonely and tired that even when I knew my DH couldn't stay home, I desperately needed him to recognise my struggles and acknowledge that everyone else's life continues mostly as normal, but mine has been flipped. My child wasn't disabled, and I was only a few weeks in so I can't imagine how you must be feeling 5yrs in and with a 2nd child. There's a lot of assumption from PP's that you can just hire help, or just let your DH know how you're feeling and it will be resolved. None of us know whether you haven't been banging your head against the wall doing this since the start.
As other PP's said, it's true that generally the lower earner would give up work, but that doesn't make it fair.
Doctors are also entitled to the same leave, sick leave and parental leave as other employees across the country as employers are all bound by the same basic employment laws. So he doesn't get to shirk responsibilities because he's also a doctor.
70hrs a week as a single income for a family of 4 wouldn't bring in as much as I think people assume- he could also be the kind of person who is tight with their money and wouldn't accept a cleaner being paid when his wife is at home.
No one knows enough to make a judgement on your life, so try not to bear them any mind. I have so much empathy for you, and we can't know how things will turn out when we agree to them, so you could only have trusted that DH would step up, as he said he would.
If you chose to have children, as DH did, then he owes them more than just his 'I'm earning the money'. There are a million and one things children need and if he wanted to, he could find a way to step back and help in the way that he should, as a parent that should be shouldering 50% of everything parenting entails. I will die on that hill.
He can only continue to pursue his dreams, because you gave up yours and to me that is never fair and shouldn't be tolerated just because he's a 'doctor'. He's also a husband and a father and they're more important IMO.

Yep, he can't miss work but he can accept you can't be everything to everyone. Do less. Do what you need to keep your head above water and take care of yourself or you will burn out and be no use to anyone x

I'm going to take a guess that you don't have a severely disabled child. It's not easy. If you have NT children you just can't understand.
Ye he's a doctor but presumably when they got married she didn't know she'd have a disabled child. It's hard enough to cope when you have two involved parents, when you have one who can't/won't help it's soul destroying.

How far off being a consultant is he? Once he is he will be able to work less hours and hopefully settle in 1 workplace long term, which will mean you could live clpse so there isn't such a long commute. Until then I can't see things improving unless you can get some outside help.
Do either of you have any family that could have the children for a few hours?

Your entire life shouldn’t be him and the kids - you need respite too and he should be fitting it in just not around work

OP, let me know if my assumption is correct. It's not that you want him to stay home, because you know his job is important but you want him to show more care towards you and the children, to have at least acted like he would have stayed and looked after you all if it wasn't for his work.

In that case the OP needs to be putting wheels in motion now. She has the finances to utilize these establishments, many don't.

I am beginning to wonder what long-term planning was done and what advice was given by Midwives/Heath Visitor/Social Workers in the first instance?

The time will eventually come when the child becomes an adult and she won't be able to physically cope, especially if they exhibit Challenging Behaviour.

In my book "mother" is spelt m.o.t.h.e.r. not m.a.r.t.y.r.

Yeah absolutely but he’s a Dr and can’t take a night off cos his wife and kids have a cold!

Op, speaking from experience just let him go - permanently. He’s not up to being the father to a disabled child and he’s hiding behind his job. You’ll thrive on your own with the children even though it will be difficult but at least you won’t have this excuse of a man dragging you down.

In an ideal world you would have someone there to look after you and the kids when you feel ill. Unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world. Your husband had responsibilities to others and cannot prioritise your cold over his career.

With 70 hour weeks, I don't think he is shirking, he is probably feeling a lit of pressure being the sole earner. But I do think he needs a better understanding of what your life is like. Maybe you could start carving out some personal time for you, going out alone for a run, to the cinema, dinner with friends etc and your husband can deal with the 2 kids for a few hours.

Alternatively, are you able to hire in some help from time to time? You have a lot on your plate and it is running you down.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so tired and fed up, but I still think YABU.

Is he a junior doctor in a hospital? They work long hours but not 70 hours a week every week. Is he volunteering for extra shifts? If so, that’s unreasonable. But it would have to be a real crisis for a hospital doctor to bale out of doing his shift at the last minute, because it would create havoc. He would have had to pretend he had suddenly been taken ill himself, which he would understandably be very unwilling to do.

It sounds like you need extra support of some kind, so you get regular breaks. You need to have a calm conversation about that with your DH.

Maybe swap with him and go to work full time yourself, see which you would prefer. How can you expect him not go into work because you had a cold !

If he is moving every six months then he is a very long way from being a consultant!

Edit to the above: I see now that the 70 hours includes a long commute. The jnr doctor 6-month rotations are hard - I’ve been there. But they won’t be for ever.

@cookingthebooks You shouldn’t have mentioned dr you would get a lot of different replies. .

Although heavy cold isn’t something that you should need looking after for .
Seems this goes deeper ?

A lot of responses here are very harsh and non constructive as many are taking the perspective of the husband who happens to be a doctor. She needs some kindness and acknowledgement from her husband irrespective of his job. She is pushing on through everything that she is being dealt.
Get a cleaner on for all the housework/laundry/ironing/hoovering. When you are well organize some respite carers to come in maybe 2 or 3 times per month or more if necessary to allow you she time for yourself to go to shop, visit or meet friends or whatever your interest is.
Money has to be spent on these needs to keep the family working and stop you from wearing out.
And you need control of a percentage of finances to be able to address day to day needs. He may be earning the money but it needs to be shared to you and children's needs (he many think they are wants not needs...which are two different things)

He talked a really big game about this when he wanted the second DC so close to DS but none of it ever materialised. He was so determined to have the kids and a small gap and I feel like I’ve just been left to it.

Doctor's wife (and SAHP) here. I reckon mine must be a bit further on in his career than yours as he's a consultant now so no more moving around different hospital placements.

Your husband sounds massively detached from family life. What's he like when he's at home? Because mine takes over with the kids evenings and weekends (and always has), he knows I'm with them solo a lot and he knows how hard that is because he does it as much as he can when he's not at work!

I think the paragraph of yours that I've highlighted above is the real crux of the issue. The problem isn't that you want him to offer, the problem is that you feel like he takes absolutely zero responsibility for the kids (or you). I suspect he is using his career as an excuse, sure medicine is hard but lots of parents work challenging jobs and still participate in family life. Lots of doctors are married to other doctors for a start!

I'd have a sit down chat with him and spell out that you feel he's led you into this situation under false pretences. Remind him that he's reneged on a lot of promises and you've had enough of being the support act in his life, doing all of the hard yards at home alone. If you want to go back to work, tell him he'll have to go part time (this is eminently possible in medicine, plenty of doctors in training and consultants do it - my husband is unusual in his team for being full time!).

Think about what you want you life to look like and what is possible for you family. Think about what are non-negotiables for you and what you are willing to compromise on. Tell him it can't continue like this as you'll have a breakdown and then he'll have to do it all and ask him for his suggestions on how to avoid that.

Lots of people still think that a woman married to a doctor must be living some sort of dream lifestyle. I've had people actually make ooh and aah noises when they ask me what he does, one acquaintance told me she'd "always wanted to marry a doctor". By and large being married to a doctor is crap, the hours are long, the pay is rarely commensurate to the level of work and it is soul destroying to have people tell you that you're unreasonable to expect your life partner to actually participate in family life because of His Big Job.

I don't, of course, although not sure what ND means (I may be it - but think labels of this sort unhelpful: I am me, tactless, tending to say exactly what I think and walking out on conversations if I am doing something I think more important - all of these I work hard at not doing, of course). I understand OP did not know she would have a severely disabled child but she must have known what being married to a doctor might mean i.e. long and unsocial hours, if hospital based and working towards being a consultant then changes in where you work etc. And a cold is not life-threatening. She needs respite care and time to herself, but these are not acquired by berating her DH who is the sole earner. Discussions as to ways forward are needed, possibly some counselling.