Should DH have offered?

[cookingthebooks]

long back story condensed into a sentence. I gave up my job, social life, hobbies pretty much everything when our child was born severely disabled and needed constant care. DH was older, earnt way more and wasn’t willing to do it. I made the best. Over the past 4 years (DC are 3 & 5 now) I’ve grown to resent him deeply. He’s a fantastic provider, loyal and dependable but works 70 hours a week and his career is number 1 priority (doctor).

Last night he was due on a night shift and the kids and I got really poorly, I’m talking stinking grotty colds we’ve been coming down with all week but they just ramped up. Disabled DS had been up most of the night before so I was already exhausted on top of poorly. It was really rubbish. Im a plodder and I don’t ask DH to be off work but I’ve stressed to DH that I need him to offer as it makes me feel respected and like I have a safety net. I was crumpled on the sofa last night feeling awful and as he was walking out the door he said ‘at least it’s bedtime’ knowing full well neither child goes to bed or sleeps well when this poorly. I replied ‘you could have at least offered to stay home’ and he just looked at me in disbelief and said ‘that was never an option’ and then left. I rang him on his way to work and reiterated just how unsupported I feel by him and honestly (finances aside) might as well be a single parent. He said I was wrong and unreasonable then stayed silent. (How he deals with all my unhappiness)

Id get it if I were a pee taker but he knows I’d limp through and tell him to go. Should he not at least offer?

You need to be able to get a babysitter in to help you out in emergency situations like this. is that an option?

I think you need to go back to work (possibly part-time), even if your full salary goes on providing care for your DC.

Your husband sounds massively detached from family life

He is. And I would put money on him detaching when his child was born with a disability. Some men just aren’t up to it and if he wasn’t hiding behind his job he’d be hiding behind something else.

I’m sorry but this is erroneous, there is absolutely options for childcare, yes if needs to be a carer, not some teen neighbour babysitting, or a standard child care setting, but there absolutely is options for child care.

This is a horrible thing to write, and it smacks of sticking the boot in.

This is a horrible situation to be in, and I really feel for you - you and your DH. Severely disabled children need so much commitment and energy. But you're going to need your DH's high earning capacity in years to come. I don't want to make you feel worse, but care for older disabled children is getting harder and harder. You often have to fight for the right schools, and then later, fight for adult support. If you can afford to pay even for some of it, it will help. There's often less support out there as your children get older. Have you read the poem 'When he outgrew cute' by Jess Ronne?

Are there any support groups you could join for parents of severly disabled children? These are often the best places to get support, as everyone there knows exactly what you are going through. They are living it themselves.

Don't expect your DH to offer - that's not reasonable or fair, and it's an expectation that will damage your relationship. Instead, try and talk to him about what you can do in the event that you are genuinely too ill to cope, recognise the particular demands of his job - he'll be exhausted too - and if you really need something from him, ask. If he can't help because of the demands of his job, accept it, but if the two of you have worked out a plan B, then you will have that to fall back on.

Look - it's shit - 70 hours is fucking hard. However - you being home with a disabled child is equally a different kind of hard. Can you not afford home help and you work part time? Maybe a part time nanny? You resent your husband for reasons you state - he probably resents you for perceived nagging - you are both reasonable and unreasonable. I agree as a dr - he cant just drop everything and leave. The 1.5 hours commute - is not his fault. I supposed if you knew this was the life you would lead (moving every 6 months) then you cant complain about that, and you also knew he was a Dr - they do crazy hours, my surgeon friend does easily 70 if not more. I hope you find a solution and feel better soon.

Initially can he book some annual leave soon so you can get some time together? And during that week you get some time to yourself. Then you can both sit down and try and work out some plans. He wanted a second child & convinced you on false promises. Can you come back to some of those suggestions & see what is affordable/would work?
Can you book yourselves a few days away every few months & pay for respite & babysitters? Nice hotel, cooked for, waited on, uninterrupted sleep etc? Something to look forward to other than relentless drudgery. Or even just a night to yourself to recharge in peace at the nearest Premier Inn? You love your kids. Young kids are tiring. Constant high needs is exhausting.
And you are doing the physical day to day pretty much single handed.
He's tired too. But you feel he doesn't see and appreciate just how much you actually do & that's soul destroying.
I hope you can get some resolution (and sleep).

It smacks of the truth and is very common in circles where a couple have a disabled child.

There is frequently absolutely NOT options for childcare when you have a disabled child... has the news in recent years about the absolute shit show that is social services support completely passed you by? There literally aren't the carers, there aren't specialist nurseries with their arms open for children that come with equipment and tubes and care plans, there aren't even enough school places for them.

Don't get me wrong hopefully the OP can get some respite or help on board but please don't think for a minute that there is a realistic option to have a disabled child and return to a two-parent working household except in exceptional (wealthy, usually) circumstances. Most of us just do our best and muddle along, the key to this working is each parent appreciating the sacrifices of the other which is what seems to be lacking from the OP's husband and why the resentment is building.

It doesn’t smack of the truth as the op has said no such thing.

There is frequently absolutely NOT options for childcare when you have a disabled child

Just ignore what was said. Some people just don’t have any grasp of reality when it comes to issues like this. And if they are fortunate enough to have services in place for any disabled child they may have, it can be that some of them think everyone has the services they do.

I adore the responses that you chose to marry a doctor and have two children close together and have a disabled child. You should have known. He however, shouldn't have known. He's the provider and fantastic but shame on op for not knowing.

It doesn’t smack of the truth as the op has said no such thing

They don’t have to. But it’s all there anyway.

Op has said no such thing so it’s not the case here.

anything to back up “very common” or is that just your view?

It smacks of jealousy and schadenfreude.

How do things work when he's on annual leave?
childcare and housework split equally?

It must be hard, unrelenting, and stressful caring for a severely disabled child, especially as your care may be needed for decades past when most parents can see their children become self supporting. Can you and your DH afford any kind of respite care every week to give you a break and possibly get a part time job?

Your DH probably won't offer to stay at home because what will he do if he offers and you accept? The offer truly would be meaningless. Instead of focusing on this maybe look at something that would give you long term support.

And with out the context of his job, the responses would be meaningless!

To everyone feeling sorry for the husband - he signed up for the job and most importantly - he signed up to being a dad and husband too.

He'd be working those hours anyway. It's just how it is.

It doesn't absolve you from having sympathy for your wife and from being part of your family and supporting her in difficult moments.

On the subject of doctors, I know a consultant who went part time so that he could be a carer for his mother for some of the time, another consultant who went part time after having children and I have a friend who completely gave up her career as a doctor to care for her disabled child. I also know a few doctors who are married to doctors and somehow manage to share the load. Being a doctor does not mean that you are too important to have any family responsibilities.

Absolutely this !!!

If he is moving every six months he is likely in training, as such, part time is not an option.

anything to back up “very common” or is that just your view?

It’s my experience over the 35 years I’ve been the parent of a disabled child/someone who’s ran a support group for those who have a disabled child for the last 33 years. But I don’t have to justify my points to you or anyone else. The information is well documented and out there.

Oh but you’re all over here telling folks to ignore other posters, hurling abuse at them saying they don’t have a grasp of reality and making big statements. Whilst objecting when anyone else does.