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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP's Ex is selfish - RANT

159 replies

kiana2015 · 05/02/2025 00:10

My DP has a DS with his Ex, let's call her Claire. Claire works and also receives benefits, she rents a house and gets all of her rent paid by universal credit as well as the local council paying the top up amount. Claire also receives child maintenance. I have worked out Claire makes more than me or my partner. Claire buys herself new clothes every single month, gets her hair and nails done and goes out for coffee 4-5 times a week. Every month for the past 8 months, Claire has messaged my partner to say she has no money for their DS food. Obviously I would never see their DS or even her go without food but if it was me or any respectable person, would t it be wise to budget like a normal person, if you can't afford FOOD which is a basic necessity then cut out all of your own 'fun stuff' sorry not even looking for opinions more just a rant as it's really grating me. Claire also stops us going on fun family days out as she states she can't afford to do this so it's not fair we should, which in turn causes DS to miss out, if it was my child I would want them to have fun and experiences.

OP posts:

Sushu · 05/02/2025 16:23

DejaOli · 05/02/2025 11:31

1000%. Got to remember it’s a Wednesday morning and a lot of posters will be unemployed or underemployed and on benefits. Skews the responses towards a lack of accountability and personal responsibility.

(Not saying OP’s husband is a saint - I haven’t done the background research that other posters clearly have)

Show quote history

What are you doing on a Wednesday morning then?

KaylaLS · 05/02/2025 16:23

Detach. ( for your own sanity) .

You know far too much about Claire.

However, Claire should also prioritise her son. If your DH pays the expected amount for his maintenance and considers this fair, boundaries need to be in place and agreements made about extras or not.

Keep in mind that child maintenance is often very low when compared with the actual cost of bringing up a child. Maintenance for my two children didn't even pay enough for their school dinners.

Perhaps your DH should have considered his finances too before having more children with someone else.

GlennCloseButNoCigar · 05/02/2025 18:01

MikeRafone · 05/02/2025 14:48

DHP is an amount paid for 3 months and then you can reapply- but applying doesn’t mean you’ll get the DHP - you’ll be in a position of being asked to look at your budget etc and up against others. You also have to provide bank statements

It also has very strict criteria. You have to be utterly broke pretty much to qualify. And you have to show proof of this etc. It’s not easy to get at all.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/02/2025 18:16

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 05/02/2025 09:10

Funny that my ex apparently pays for my super lavish lifestyle as well according to his girlfriend, my hair getting done all the time (a box of £6 hair dye every two months), and fancy drinks (I bought PG tips instead of asda basics one day when I was feeling flush and I bumped into him at the supermarket), going out all the time (the only time I leave the house is dog walks or the kids clubs).

She also says I withold the kids for extra money (he currently doesn't see them at all due to his house being unsuitable for overnights and him choosing not to see them during the day).

All this while I'm screwing him over for money (£212.34 per month for 2 dc, and not a penny more) and he gets the kids their clothes (his mum knits them a jumper every 6 months and he insists he keeps it at his so I don't steal them).

Your dp, according to your previous threads, is a selfish, lazy arsehole, so I'm more inclined to think he's spinning you a line and you're naive enough to fall for it, or you're trying to force yourself to believe you made a good choice, so you're placing the blame for everything on his ex. Either way, stop being a mug.

Yep. My dp - who I've been VERY on off with over the years- at one point was paying me child maintenance and we had an informal but relatively formal contact arrangement for dc. When he was pissed once he said "My family bought ALL the babies clothes" "I pay for everything" etc etc you know the usual lies and exaggerations! Even though there had been times he hadn't seen dc for weeks or paid a penny towards him! He was literally gaslighting himself. But to an outsider you'd see me in my new (charity shop) clothes going out with friends getting my hair and makeup done (vvv special occasion and my friend paid for the hair and makeup, I'd bought a £15 clip in hair ext row, then had 1 glass of prosecco then soft drinks then drove home) and eating nice food (yellow sticker specials from the supermarket reductions!) Etc etc!!

Meadowfinch · 05/02/2025 18:26

OP, whatever the financial details of your partner's ex, they are her business and nothing to do with you.

If your partner has an issue with his ex, it is up to him to grow a spine and deal with it. He can go back to court if necessary and gain 50% access. Then he wuoldn't owe her anything.

You don't need to get involved.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/02/2025 18:26

kiana2015 · 05/02/2025 09:31

I haven't made either up it's called Discretionary housing payment!

Show quote history

Then she must be on a very low income. And if she's on THAT low an income then how can she earn more than dp? And if this is the case then the min child maintenance he will have to pay will be buttons.

Livelovebehappy · 05/02/2025 19:05

Good on her if she gets to go out for coffees four or five times a week. I’m in awe - not sure how someone who works Monday to Friday manages to squeeze in all those coffee meet-ups as well as hair and nails. I definitely wouldn’t let her dictate though on you and your dp taking ds on days out. Just don’t share your trips or plans with her. Your ds might, but that will be after the event, so she can’t do anything about it.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/02/2025 19:07

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 05/02/2025 16:16

@Wavescrashingonthebeach You're projecting. Massively. I agree with your overall point about her DH's motives etc but you really are projecting and creating your own narrative.

Er no i was going off the OP's previous posts and I also did apologise for initially being overly harsh

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/02/2025 19:09

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 05/02/2025 16:10

If she is working then she categorically does not get "all her rent paid" by UC. It doesn't work like that. They only cover it all when 2 criteria is met. 1. The property is housing association or council and 2. The tenant doesn't work for any reason.
Sometimes they'll pay all the rent on private rented properties but only if they deem the rent amount to be no more than their LHA which Private rented properties never ever are and she doesn't work at all.
Otherwise if the rent is more than the LHA amount, they still wouldn't pay all her rent if she's private rented, only the LHA amount and again, that's only if she's not working. When you do work, even just part time but rent privately, then they'll only pay a contribution of the rent.

If she does live in a housing association or council property but she works, even just part time then again, they will only pay a contribution.

Thanks for explaining this far better than I could. I knew it in my head but couldn't articulate it as well as u have here

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