To think DP's Ex is selfish - RANT

[kiana2015]

My DP has a DS with his Ex, let's call her Claire. Claire works and also receives benefits, she rents a house and gets all of her rent paid by universal credit as well as the local council paying the top up amount. Claire also receives child maintenance. I have worked out Claire makes more than me or my partner. Claire buys herself new clothes every single month, gets her hair and nails done and goes out for coffee 4-5 times a week. Every month for the past 8 months, Claire has messaged my partner to say she has no money for their DS food. Obviously I would never see their DS or even her go without food but if it was me or any respectable person, would t it be wise to budget like a normal person, if you can't afford FOOD which is a basic necessity then cut out all of your own 'fun stuff' sorry not even looking for opinions more just a rant as it's really grating me. Claire also stops us going on fun family days out as she states she can't afford to do this so it's not fair we should, which in turn causes DS to miss out, if it was my child I would want them to have fun and experiences.

I'm surprised Claire gets anything out of him to be honest. Everything I've read stinks of "working cash in hand for my mate's Dad's scaffolding company"

Except its BS because you can't choose to do this with a formal CMA arrangement

If she’s buying herself luxuries and not leaving enough to feed her child then I wouldn’t be sending extra money. If she texts because she can’t afford to feed her son one night then say you’ll pick him up and take him for tea or drop him some food at home. However if your DP is happy to send money and you don’t have joint finances then it’s his decision.
As for the days out, I just wouldn’t even tell the ex it’s none of her business what a dad does with his kids on his time

“Helping my mates stack things in his garage that fell off the back of a van”

The problem should be with your DP not his ex.

I also challenge how much you genuinely do know about her life.

Housing my child including utilities = £1400
Food / nappies £200pm
Kids clubs, classes £100
Getting my nails done once a month =£20.

Even this is true I don’t begrudge Claire her small luxury every month when it sounds like she is caring for Ex’s kids full time & working.

It’s a bloody good idea, I wish we had thought of that. How dare the scabby ex use child maintenance to pay for her nails then claim she has no money to feed her kid! I’d say that’s pretty low.

As MN constantly says, the father is paying for his child, NOT for the ex. Then the ex proves you wrong and spends it on herself and everyone thinks that’s ok?!

@kiana2015 you’ll get very little sympathy on here, mums are whiter than white according to MN. My partner also has a freeloading ex and it drives us mad. She pays for nothing except her own bills (which she’d be paying for anyway) and DSS food. She won’t even buy him clothes! She has him 50:50 yet my partner pays a fuckload of voluntary ‘maintenance’ because he knows she’ll make his son suffer if he doesn’t. So I understand the need to rant, there’s just better places to do it than MN.

Also I find it rather hypocritical that PP are accusing you of ‘stalking’ the ex when they’re searching through your previous posts to find out your history!

Forgot to add, why are you letting her dictate your days out? None of her business. Do what you want on your own time.

You do realise some NRPs pay for all that too, right?

This is what infuriates me if they were genuinely struggling I wouldn't mind one bit, I wouldn't see anyone struggle but for the love of god put your child first

So why not apply that logic to your partner @kiana2015 when you’ve previously stated he pays for no food, nothing for your own child and nothing to furnish your shared house because he needs £200 a week to piss up a wall plus money for treats.

Put that anger about how money is spent in your own house and leave Clare alone.

As they should. But unless your ex is a millionaire no woman is making a profit from maintenance

Because OP is a profiling posters whose posts aren’t consistent, and this should be pointed out when claiming the ExW is the problem when actually we know it’s her DP spending £200 a week on booze

Oh! This thread paints a very different picture to the one about the household items, but DH spending all the OP’s money on gaming equipment and going to the pub.

But that one also seemed to resent the DH spending money on contributing to his son so I shouldn’t be surprised.

OP - your problem, to the extent that you have one, is your “D”H. He flutters your money way on booze and gaming stuff. He is supposed to look after his child!

Sort out your DH and you won’t be as resentful of his ex wife.

The food money - perhaps they need to regularise the maintenance and contact better as the things you say she does don’t sound excessive for a working person and don’t seem to add up to the level your DH spend purely on himself by a long chalk! Sounds like he should be contributing more in the first place when I put this together with your other thread.

The fun days out - without more it sounds like YANBU there but equally are you sure it’s his exw stopping you rather than your crappy H?

Of course they do. My brother has his kids three days a week and pays £300 a month child maintenance. They have bedrooms and everything they need at both houses, he pays half of uniform and any other big costs. Do you really think it costs her £600 in extra costs for those four days a month at hers when they’re at school?

Everyone on Mumsnet seems to think most stepchildren are sleeping on their dad’s floors for one day a month whilst the mums are heroic superheroes doing everything. It’s not true.

Claire's income is not your business. Claire spending is not your business. Your days out are not Claire's business. I'd she's struggling for shopping then send over a bag of shopping or offer to push the child up for his dinner.

You think his ex has leftover money for 3 kids from a measly £300 a month 😂😂hilarious

Also I’m guessing OP’s 2 SC do sleep on the floor as there’s no bedroom for them

No, because she also is expected to contribute to their costs. Do you not understand that? She has them for four days a month more than he does.

4 days extra a month when you consider housing costs, bills, food, and all the other things that happen in ‘her’ time like parties, fuel etc, for 3 kids will cost more than £75 a day. She is it making a profit from £300

He also houses the kids, pays for bills, food, fuel, parties and everything else on his time. His mortgage doesn’t get cheaper because they’re at their mum’s for a night.

The only extras she pays for are incredibly minimal like the water for showers on those four days a month. And she’s supposed to be contributing too so that’s £600 additional cost for two kids (don’t know where you got three from) for four school days. Of course she’s making a profit.

Unless you think most people spend over 2k a month on each child after accounting for all their housing, transport, school, clothing and personal costs?

I think as long as you aren’t sending her any money from your income and as long as your income isn’t facilitating your DH sending her more eg you pay more on bills so he can spend less on bills to allow him to send her more, then it’s fine. He has to pay maintenance for his child, but if they start looking your way then it’s a no.

And when it comes to days out, your DH needs to firmly put his foot down and tell her to fuck off. If she wants to do fun things with her child then she will have to budget for it. She’s doing her child a real disservice by depriving him of opportunities and fun days out with his dad. As you said in your thread title, selfish!

Anyway this is a derail for OP.

But despite what @JandamiHash and the general Mumsnet narrative says, not all NRPs are feckless wasters, many incur similar costs (but aren’t bailed out by the government) and yes, some mums do make a profit from child maintenance.

My ex’s bitter betty of a gf says all the same things about me. In reality whilst my incoming might be high. So are my outgoings, not that she knows anything at all about my bills and the amounts of them. Just like you know nothing about hers. You can ask him to stop sending over money or buying things, but sounds like he’s happy to provide so leave him to it. If it’s starting to affect your personal money then have a word.

Maybe have child more so he doesn't miss out on e oeriencez - maintenance doesnt actually cover everything needed Agree she should not be spending g on hair. Nails etc then clai.ing no mo ey for food - she's chosen to spend it elsewhere.

What’s him housing his kids got to do with his ex? How much he spends on his days has no bearing on her costs