Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you have no bandwidth for

178 replies

ToxicFrenemy · 04/02/2025 18:32

Having caught up with women's hour from the other day there was a chat about what fo you no longer have the bandwidth for. What are you now no longer doing, to keep yourself sane! Eg not making everyone's beds or picking up socks whatever

Anyway as it was an old one now, I couldn't text in but found that really interesting so wanted to ask "what do you no longer have the bandwidth for..."

I'll go first!!!! 2022 dh and I gave far too much of ourselves to friends who were going through a hard time, they seperated and it was awful They both needed alot of emotional support it was constant. We were supporting on both camps. Our marriage suffered with the emotional strain. And I get divorce is HARD but it nearly brought us to divorce and so we now no longer have the bandwidth to overly emotionally support others in that way outwith our marriage

Aibu? Or what's your own bandwidth boundaries

OP posts:
pananamana · 04/02/2025 20:21

performative parenting.

Gotback · 04/02/2025 20:27

The news.
Boring acquaintances.
Going out in the evening.

OhBow · 04/02/2025 20:27

Fruit.

I used to eat it a lot, it's good for you blah blah, but I would feel hungrier afterwards than before, and bloated. I have the occasional banana now, other than that just lots of vegetables.

pananamana · 04/02/2025 20:28

OhBow · 04/02/2025 20:27

Fruit.

I used to eat it a lot, it's good for you blah blah, but I would feel hungrier afterwards than before, and bloated. I have the occasional banana now, other than that just lots of vegetables.

yes, this!

JWhipple · 04/02/2025 20:28

Anonym00se · 04/02/2025 20:10

Monologuing “friends”. I met up with an old friend recently, and she spoke in great depth about her life, hobbies, children etc. I couldn’t get a word in edgeways. She didn’t ask a single question about me. I decided afterwards that I won’t bother putting myself out to meet up with her in future.

Today I met another friend, and exactly the same thing happened. I managed to quickly interject with a few things that I’d been up to, but she’d immediately turn the conversation back to herself.

I’m really done with it. If you can’t even manage a polite “How are DH and the kids doing?”, then I don’t have to listen to you bleating on at tedious length about every member of your Pilates class.

Oh lord. I've got a couple of friends like this. It's absolutely exhausting, trying to get a word in.

HousedInMySoul · 04/02/2025 20:30

Talking to boring people. I just can't do it anymore 😬

Nightfollowday · 04/02/2025 20:31

T4phage · 04/02/2025 19:24

Cooking

The dcs have left home and I rarely cook a meal now. Me and dh fix up our own food and it's bliss not having to worry about cooking at the end of the day. Plus I've lost weight. And the kitchen stays tidy.

What do you eat instead?

Nightfollowday · 04/02/2025 20:33

Make up.
Staying in contact with people who are draining and cause me anxiety.

Truth25 · 04/02/2025 20:35

Doing anything I don't want to do even if it makes me very selfish. I am happier doing everything on my terms and if it suits me.

LuluBlakey1 · 04/02/2025 20:42

One of my 'best' friends (and I don't have many) who every time she has ever had problems: marriage breakdowns and divorces (2), family issues (numerous) and ill-health (numerous and cancer last summer), I have bent over backwards to support. Yet she NEVER supports me. I really struggle with my mental health and last year was a hard one- no support from her. In November I was referred under the two week wait rule for tests in case of a possible cancer diagnosis. I had supported her every day when she went through that, gone to appointments and diagnosis meeting with her, sat in hospital next to her, done shopping, looked after her cat, cleaned her house, had her to our house for dinner and company, gone walking at night when she was panicky. When I was going through it she messaged me twice in 5 weeks (once about herself). Fortunately, my news was good news but my anxiety levels were horrendous.
Lesson has eventually been learned. I'll never be there again in the same way for her. I have seen her once since mid December and have nothing else planned.

waffleyversatile1 · 04/02/2025 20:47

ShushImTalking · 04/02/2025 19:02

Self service check outs for a big shop. They do my head in. I just queue for the proper check outs now.

Me too. I quite like spending the time waiting to having a little day dream

Whenim63 · 04/02/2025 20:50

Anonym00se · 04/02/2025 20:10

Monologuing “friends”. I met up with an old friend recently, and she spoke in great depth about her life, hobbies, children etc. I couldn’t get a word in edgeways. She didn’t ask a single question about me. I decided afterwards that I won’t bother putting myself out to meet up with her in future.

Today I met another friend, and exactly the same thing happened. I managed to quickly interject with a few things that I’d been up to, but she’d immediately turn the conversation back to herself.

I’m really done with it. If you can’t even manage a polite “How are DH and the kids doing?”, then I don’t have to listen to you bleating on at tedious length about every member of your Pilates class.

I had a couple of “friends” like this. It’s just bizarre. But then I also noticed that when they talked about other people, they had literally nothing nice to say, in fact were downright sneering and also delighted if someone else was in difficulty. I don’t see either anymore because I definitely don’t have the bandwidth for self absorbed, unkind people.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 04/02/2025 20:55

Dieting or healthy eating/lifestyle goals.

Or at least for now.

It's dark, the days are long, winter is still going, it's cold, wet, I've a lot on...

It's the first new year I've had in ages where I'm not like "I'm going to achieve xyz by June"

Given myself permission to do what I can and call it good enough....until I feel able to do more.

gamerchick · 04/02/2025 21:00

I can relate a bit to your OP. I was always the go too for support. I've given up, time and the financial cost of that time to friends who need a lot of support. When my kid died obviously the usual rallying went on. But a chunk of time on I still don't have the spoons to support like I used to. Guess how many people I hear from now?

People will take at the expense of yourself if you let them. No more being taken for granted is wise.

saladandchipper · 04/02/2025 21:07

I cba to ever go to work events. There's always someone leaving/having a birthday/getting pregnant etc. I like the people I work with between the hours of 9-5. I literally don't have the time to squeeze in chicken in a basket in a nice-ish pub 30 mins from my house.

Zanatdy · 04/02/2025 21:10

Anonym00se · 04/02/2025 20:10

Monologuing “friends”. I met up with an old friend recently, and she spoke in great depth about her life, hobbies, children etc. I couldn’t get a word in edgeways. She didn’t ask a single question about me. I decided afterwards that I won’t bother putting myself out to meet up with her in future.

Today I met another friend, and exactly the same thing happened. I managed to quickly interject with a few things that I’d been up to, but she’d immediately turn the conversation back to herself.

I’m really done with it. If you can’t even manage a polite “How are DH and the kids doing?”, then I don’t have to listen to you bleating on at tedious length about every member of your Pilates class.

I have a friend like this too. She does have a tough life so I usually agree to a phone call each week, which involves her just telling me all her problems, not caring what i’ve been up to that week. I have little bandwidth for her right now as my close friend was unexpectedly diagnosed with terminal cancer on new years day and doesn’t have long to live (weeks).

Said friend did send a few texts asking how friend is and how I am, but after 2wks when I agreed to a phone call I thought she might start off with asking me how i’m coping etc. Nope, just launched into her problems and why everything is so crap for her right now. So this weekend, I will be spending that hour focusing on myself and not giving it up for someone who just takes from a friendship.

Zanatdy · 04/02/2025 21:12

Mine are:

Supermarkets (had weekly delivery for other 15yrs now). Absolutely hate going in one.

Cooking big meals - only had DD left at home now, she is 17 and cooks her own food out of choice. So sometimes when DS comes home and I have to cook after work, hate it! Roast dinners cooked at home - nope, carvery it is. Someone else can do the washing up.

IlooklikeNigella · 04/02/2025 21:14

Meadowfinch · 04/02/2025 18:53

An intimate relationship.

I'm 61, have a ds(16) and a full time job.

My standard week is
Weekdays - up at 6.45, shower, dress, get ds up, make breakfast, leave at 7.30.
Start work at 8am, leave at 5pm, collect ds from bus, go home, relax for an hour. cook supper, tidy up, maybe do a bit of ironing or clean the bathroom. Eat with ds, be interested in ds' homework. load the dish washer. Watch tv for an hour, go to bed.

Saturday - ParkRun, shower, food shop, breakfast with ds. Washing, shopping, lunch, spend time with ds, haircuts, maybe coffee with a friend. Cook supper, eat with ds, maybe plat chess or scrabble, or tidy up, sleep.
Sunday - Batch cook, clean car, tidy the garden or go biking with ds then a shared fitness class. Cook, eat , make sure we are ready for the new week. Sleep

How does anyone find time for a partner?

You sound amazing. I hope when you get more time back in your life you meet someone great.

WompWompBoom · 04/02/2025 21:15

Men/relationships. I just don't have the mental energy for it. It's a sea of crud out there in the dating pool. I have no tolerance for it and love being single.

People who assume because I'm happily single there must be something wrong with me.

Peoples opinions of me if I think they're pretty insignificant to my life.

I've got way less bandwidth now I'm older.

Flatandhappy · 04/02/2025 21:21

I was about to say monologuing friend but see I am not the only one. If she was a man you would call her the King of mansplaining (“anyone can do yoga because it’s a philosophy not exercise and yoga meets you where you are” - no shit Sherlock).

People who use me as their personal cancer support person then dump me as soon as they have the all clear.

Nightfollowday · 04/02/2025 21:24

IlooklikeNigella · 04/02/2025 21:14

You sound amazing. I hope when you get more time back in your life you meet someone great.

Show quote history

I don't mean to be rude to the original OP of the post, but how is this very normal routine "amazing"?

Fucketbucket · 04/02/2025 21:33

Self service tills
Massive water bottles
Endless washing
Full time work (have to do it though!)
Meals out planned too late in the evening.
Socialising
Small talk
Food shopping
Clothes shopping
People phoning and not leaving a message.
I am obviously a very grumpy individual just now!!

Rubbishchouce · 04/02/2025 21:37

My utter misery of a father ....

cardibach · 04/02/2025 21:38

Crunchymum · 04/02/2025 20:10

You seem very reliant on your DC for company and companionship. Does he have friends / interests outside the house? What happens when he leaves home?

Show quote history

I thought this. I, too, have no desire for a partner, but by the time Dd was 16 she had her friends and hobbies and I had mine. We are still close (she’s 29) but we’ve had our own lives for ages.

cardibach · 04/02/2025 21:39

Bey · 04/02/2025 20:17

Wow that's quite a reach, I think it's lovely pp spends time with her ds. I'm sure he also has friends and interests. Pp doesn't come off as reliant on him at all.

Show quote history

She does though - she doesn’t seem to have any hobbies or interests outside her relationship with him. And there’s no indication he does either.