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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for standing my ground on this wedding issue

302 replies

WisteriaGardens · 04/02/2025 13:17

Hi all, just looking for a little bit of insight/advice. Apologies in advance for the length of the post.

My partner and I are engaged and in the early stages of wedding planning. For background: we are both technically catholic and so are both of our families, however, none of us are practicing at all. So, I was surprised when my partner brought up that he wanted to get married in a church. I pushed back on this at the time with a variety of reasons including, neither of us being religious (he hasn't been to mass outside of having to go with school when he was younger), I have a lot of issues with organised religion generally, I prefer humanist ceremonies as they focus more on the couple. Just to name a few of my points.

The only reason he could give for a church wedding was that his parents had a church wedding and he sees it as traditional. I told him that if I believed for a second it was that important to him I would absolutely consider it and probably do it, however, as he hasn't been to church the entire time I've known him (despite there being a church a 2 minute walk from our house) I felt he was requesting it for the wrong reasons and it wasn't enough to make me compromise on my strong feelings against getting married in a church. I thought we had put the issue to bed because in the months since that conversation he didn't mention it again, didn't start attending mass to show that it is important to him and while visiting venues we've been talking in terms of the entire day being held there.

On Sunday we went to his parents for dinner and after the meal his mum asked me if we had decided where we were getting married ie, ceremony at the venue or in a church and I responded that I think it will all be at the venue as it's more convenient and I have no interest in a church wedding. I mentioned that my partner would like a church wedding but that I felt it didn't make sense as neither of us are practicing catholics. His mum genuinely didn't seem bothered either way as she is actually protestant but was married in a catholic church because it was what fiance's dad wanted, despite her own parents being unhappy with the decision.

However, his dad then piped up and started ranting on about although he didn't attend mass he still felt it was important to be married in the church and felt it was more special for the wedding to be blessed by god and really put down the idea of "just a legal marriage". I bit my tongue so as not to embarrass my fiancé and cause a row. He then said "What about when you have kids? Will they be raised catholic?" I responded that it didn't make much sense to me to raise potential children as catholic when we are not practicing catholics ourselves but that fiance and I would discuss it if we have children. His dad glanced at my fiance and said "I'd be putting my foot down about that". That comment absolutely enraged me and I did snap back "You don't get to put your foot down and neither does fiance". At that point fiance agreed and told his dad to drop it.

It's now caused a massive row between fiance and I which ended with me telling him that he's a hyopcrite and so is his dad to be making such an issue about a religion they don't follow in any way, shape or form. I'm also raging that his dad felt he had the right to try and intimidate me at the dinner table to get his way when our wedding and how we raise any children we might have are nothing to do with him!

I have compromised in regards to the wedding. I'm shy and self conscious so the typical big wedding has never been appealing to me but I knew it was important to my fiance and what he'd always envisioned so I've jumped on board with that, and have been happy to do it for him so with this church thing I just don't think I can concede.

Any thoughts or advice would be so appreciated as I'm so angry just now I can hardly think.

OP posts:
Original poster
WisteriaGardens · 04/02/2025 20:14

FinallyHere · 04/02/2025 20:06

we were still married in a registry office because he didn't want me to have to lie in church.

This is the first post point out that you would need to tell a lot of lies in order to be married in a Catholic service.

Having you promise to bring up any children in the religion is only one of the things you would have to promise to do.

It's understandable that it is in the interests of any organisation to perpetuate itself, what better way to do so than insist that you bring up your children in their way.

Your DFiance's father is only belatedly doing what he promised to do when he got married. He hasn't put much effort in but he is trying to 'put his foot down'.

Please be very careful what you promise and agree to do. This is how it will be for the rest of your life.

The lying is one of my main reasons. It feels so disrespectful to me. Standing in a place that is genuinely sacred to others, saying vows that mean so much to others and I don't mean a bit of it. It feels so wrong to me.

OP posts:
Benmac · 04/02/2025 20:18

We had a similar dilemma. Both Catholic. Me non practising, my now wife practising catholic. I felt I would be a hypocrite and she agreed to a registry office. Cue outrage from relatives. My mum gave us an ultimatum, catholic church or I won't be there. My wife thanked her for helping her decide and it was the registry office. My mother didn't attend and did not speak to us for about 20 years.
We have been married for 45 years and still madly in love.

TizerorFizz · 04/02/2025 20:19

Yes. It’s wrong but plenty do it. My DDs were baptised but we left religion to school. They chose what mattered to them and religion doesn’t. One likes choral singing in a chapel choir now she’s older. We never forced anything on them but they made choices as they grew up. I think oldest will get married where she sings or at a church affiliated to her work but dd2 left all of this behind at school. As a couple you have left it behind and you have stand firm with that decision.

Brefugee · 04/02/2025 20:29

WisteriaGardens · 04/02/2025 19:22

He absolutely doesn't know how it would hurt me to give my name up so I tried to explain last night by saying think of all the reasons you wouldn't want to give your name up - it's your identity, a tie to your family etc - all those reasons are the same for me. But he just dismissed it.

And I genuinely don't believe my fiancé cares about the church wedding for himself and I had that feeling right from the first conversation about it, I just couldn't put my finger on what the real issue was because I didn't have the full picture. A lot of the replies here don't believe it but I do know him and I knew he wasn't asking about it because he feels a deep tie to god. And I could put up with his dad being a dick if I could depend on him having my back but now I don't know if that would be the case. So I'm left with a lot to think about

Show quote history

Tell him you are keeping your name. And shove all his sexist attitude where the sun doesn't shine.

What compromise or sacrifice has he made?

Cosycover · 04/02/2025 20:32

Knew when I read your first post you would be in Glasgow!

We know this has nothing to do with religion really.

FinallyHere · 04/02/2025 20:34

This is the first time you've said no, and as a result you've now found out who he really is.

Goodness, this.

Modern dating advice from MN absolutely suggests picking something pretty random and low key to say no to very early in your dating life, exactly to see how they react. It's a good test of any friendship, even more important for someone to marry.

Original poster
WisteriaGardens · 04/02/2025 20:44

Cosycover · 04/02/2025 20:32

Knew when I read your first post you would be in Glasgow!

We know this has nothing to do with religion really.

When I filled my mum in on what had happened the first thing she said was "sounds like he's confusing Catholicism with Celtic" and I was so glad I wasn't the only one thinking it. Neither of them will ever admit it tho.

OP posts:
Projectme · 04/02/2025 21:05

Seems like this has opened up a huge can of worms for you OP; one you can't put the lid back on quick enough without worms escaping and they'll constantly niggle at you.

The fact he won't even try to understand your views, thoughts and opinions of you not wishing to get married in a church, is very worrying but what is more concerning is his views on your original preference to keep your name! It's YOUR name and you choose whether to keep it or not; he doesn't have a say in that. A wife is no longer a chattel and it would be best that he's reminded of that.

Unbelievable that the religious thing is likely based on football. How crazy is that?! You're forming a new life with your fiance based on an ancient (pathetic) football 'tradition'. Nuts.

Lookingtodate · 04/02/2025 21:16

He want the full RC wedding then he goes and speaks to the Priest. If you offered to get married by a humanist at "paradise " would that fly? Wear a royal blue and red dress at wedding...😝

Guineapiggywiggy · 04/02/2025 21:19

luckylavender · 04/02/2025 19:04

@Guineapiggywiggy - clearly I can

I suggest that ‘clearly’ you can’t, well perhaps comprehend 😏

Seas164 · 04/02/2025 21:26

Hang on, he doesn't need to be "having it" if you don't change your name. It's your name, your decision, not something that he needs to give you permission to do.

Certainly not because he holds the opinions of his family and friends higher than yours about your own bloody name!

This is him putting his foot down, like his misogynistic caveman of a father has trained him to do. Honestly OP, this is a car crash waiting to happen for you, unless you want a showdown every time you don't capitulate. I don't know you but I sincerely hope you don't walk into it with your eyes closed.

nonevernotever · 04/02/2025 21:32

What on earth is he going to do if any children aren't interested in football? And would you get any say if for instance a son of yours wanted to play rugby or go to dance classes instead? His behaviour would have me rethinking the whole relationship and proceeding very cautiously.

Seas164 · 04/02/2025 21:35

nonevernotever · 04/02/2025 21:32

What on earth is he going to do if any children aren't interested in football? And would you get any say if for instance a son of yours wanted to play rugby or go to dance classes instead? His behaviour would have me rethinking the whole relationship and proceeding very cautiously.

He will put his foot down. Like his father before him.

Pottedpalm · 04/02/2025 21:38

WisteriaGardens · 04/02/2025 17:44

Not totally in a Catholic ceremony. You make vows to live in the religion, raise children in etc.

Show quote history

Those are not vows. There are questions about whether tou are entering freely into marriage, will bring up children according to Christ’s law etc.

MellowCritic · 04/02/2025 21:44

crumpet · 04/02/2025 13:40

I don’t go to church but still wanted to be married in a church.

That's you. I really don't see this being on any man's list for religion sake if they arent religious. You probably wanted it in the church for aesthetic reasons , if you was genuinely connecting with God you'd go other times as well.

MellowCritic · 04/02/2025 21:44

nonevernotever · 04/02/2025 21:32

What on earth is he going to do if any children aren't interested in football? And would you get any say if for instance a son of yours wanted to play rugby or go to dance classes instead? His behaviour would have me rethinking the whole relationship and proceeding very cautiously.

He will put his foot down...🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤣

LuluBlakey1 · 04/02/2025 21:50

Whatever the venue, marriage is nothing more than a civil contract.

If it is anything more, that bit isn't legal and is up to you and your DP to take your vows seriously, whatever they are, wherever they are made and whoever they are made infront of.
If God exists, it is not only in a church building.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/02/2025 21:54

WisteriaGardens · 04/02/2025 19:59

I think the difference with the name thing was I could see where he was coming from. It is the common thing, everyone I know who has gotten married has changed their name. I knew he would probably get ribbed by his friends if I was the only wife to decline the name change, his parents wouldn't understand and might be offended, to a degree even my parents didnt fully understand my mixed feelings over it. He'll have always envisioned passing his name on to his future wife then his children etc. So whether it's right or wrong I could see why he felt strongly about it, could make sense of it etc. Which was why I gave in on that one, I could see it genuinely meant something to HIM so although I had mixed feelings over it, I was essentially happy to concede on that one. This whole church thing tho is the exact opposite but really it's all the same kind of thing, this is just the one thing I've said no to and I'm seeing the results of that play out.

The passive acceptance of deep seated misogyny in this and all your other comments is really quite disturbing to me. How do people live like this? This man is treating you like you are less important than him and you’re just…going along with it. It’s baffling.

YellowRoom · 04/02/2025 21:55

This is the best of him, it will get worse. He and his family don't care about you and how you feel. You're a vessel to take their name, marry in the church they want you to. Do whatever the football thing is!

Atomickitten · 04/02/2025 22:02

I think it sounds likely fiancé & his dad believe in God and want a blessed ceremony , even if they aren’t practicing. They are fundamentally believers. Could you compromise with a simple church ceremony that isnt too long? Perhaps with a smaller number of people like close family and friends? If you’re feeling shy?

VelociraptorsVelociRapping · 04/02/2025 22:06

Atomickitten · 04/02/2025 22:02

I think it sounds likely fiancé & his dad believe in God and want a blessed ceremony , even if they aren’t practicing. They are fundamentally believers. Could you compromise with a simple church ceremony that isnt too long? Perhaps with a smaller number of people like close family and friends? If you’re feeling shy?

Have you read the OP's updates where it has become clear that their motivations are largely due to their football allegiances, which are heavily sectarian in Glasgow?

justasking111 · 04/02/2025 22:10

Atomickitten · 04/02/2025 22:02

I think it sounds likely fiancé & his dad believe in God and want a blessed ceremony , even if they aren’t practicing. They are fundamentally believers. Could you compromise with a simple church ceremony that isnt too long? Perhaps with a smaller number of people like close family and friends? If you’re feeling shy?

They're football fans. Religion and football are entwined there. I suggest you Google it.

GlasgowGal82 · 04/02/2025 22:26

I had a feeling from your original post that you were in Glasgow and I see from reading through your replies that you are! My best friend was in a similar situation to you, although it was the groom's mother who was deadset on the Catholic wedding. My friend was brought up an aetheist and had no intention of going through a religious ceremony that she didn't believe in because she felt it was disrespectful. It was further complicated by her fiancé having pretended to be a regular attendee at mass so his mother thought he was a practicing Catholic. In the end it brought the wedding planning to a halt and they had a quiet registry office with just a couple of witnesses. 15 years on they are still very happily married and the mother-in-law seems to have gotten over it!

Atomickitten · 04/02/2025 22:36

If you’re an atheist then I understand it’ll feel hypocritical to you. Really tricky one. Could you attend a church before your civil ceremony / even a different date for a blessing with close family attending. Where you don’t have to say things you don’t mean but receive a blessing ?

Lucyccfc68 · 04/02/2025 22:52

luckylavender · 04/02/2025 13:46

You don't sound shy at all. You sound very domineering. You should have let your fiancé deal with his parents. How would you like him to speak to your parents like that?

She sounds amazing and assertive.

She doesn’t need a man to stand up for her. The FIL was very rude and out of line and she absolutely had the right to stand up for herself. Start as she means to go on and not let his family bully her. I wish more people were like this.