The parenting crisis

[digimumworld]

I’m listening to the radio, the discussion is on knife crime. A caller calls in and says that we are collectively failing our children - she’s a school governor and parent and said that teachers are scared of children and that we need to stop blaming teachers - we should ask ourselves what’s going on at home for many children and that there is a huge parenting crisis at the moment.

I actually agreed. It seems more common now for there to be very little consequence for “bad behaviour” from parents. I know a few parents that are scared of their children - or at least scared of hurting their children’s feelings; also (this is the reality for me too as a parent) it’s so so hard to monitor what they are exposed to on social media - how do we know if the content they are seeing is overriding the values we are setting?

I am a parent - I truly believe that the modern parent has so much more to consider (incase relevant).

AIBU for thinking maybe there is a parenting crisis?

I agree and think that is part of it. So is increased awareness in general. But I think the numbers are so high that it isn't the whole story and something else is going on.

I don't think it's pointless at all. Just because it has always been this way, and still is, does not mean that we should just accept it as an immovable fact for the future. What makes boys and men predisposed to violence? Sure, you can point to biology as one 'reason'. But that totally misses the potential societal influences on behaviour, which are equally well documented. You can switch off social media notifications and choose not to engage. You can't as easily escape a knife, or a gun, or rape.

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How is it well regarded if this is what's happening? I know of no such behaviours occurring in the state schools my cohort's children go to...

I don't think we should underestimate how industrious teenagers seem to be at circumnavigating security restrictions and finding loopholes in the tech, though. I monitor ds's phone regularly, but I've got no hope against something like Snapchat which auto deletes messages - making it the secretive teenager's app of choice. It used to be a crafty fag at a friend's house over lunch, but today's tech is frightening. And i consider myself incredibly tech-savvy. Short of an all-out ban, I do think parents are increasingly up against the relentless march of technology - AI opens up even more terrifying prospects. Particularly when it's completely unregulated.

I agree that we are failing our children and it's so sad to watch. I also believe parents who fail to discipline or structure their children make a rod for their own backs, because once school, family amd friends have given up on them, you ultimately have to face the consequences of your lack of parenting.
I do feel for the teachers who are at the short end of parental uselessness and now find themselves fearing danger at work.
Children need to have boundaries and clear expectations of the behaviour that will/not be tolerated and as parents we have to remain steadfast in guiding them into being productive members of society.
Learning, behaviour, communication, nutrition- so much has gone to pan and we have to do better.

There was absolutely no relief when my daughter was diagnosed with autism. It’s not a super power as triped out on social media. It’s a hellish condition that affects the child and the whole family on so many different levels. The life you think your child or you yourself were going to live is forever changed. Sleepless nights, worry, grief, the guilt of wondering why your child, comparing them to their peers. So no, your post isn’t going to be popular. There are a lot of genuinely diagnosed children and teens with ASN and it isn’t down to bad parenting. I would do anything to change our situation so my child didn’t have to suffer the way she does but obviously I can’t. If anything I feel more responsible for her and feel everything is a reflection on my parenting and she in turn feels very responsible and guilty and at times is full of self hatred.

Yes, I agree that there's a parenting crisis. We have children who have been so neglected that they don't know how to open a book when they arrive at reception or walk up the stairs, we have awful levels of mental health distress among teens, we have terrifying levels of violence, high levels of joblessness for young people even if they have successfully run the gauntlet of the creaking education system.

The UK has the highest levels of family breakdown in almost the entirety of the western world.

It's completely fucked and then the moment you suggest that we need to do something to outrun this epidemic of hopelessness and despair then you are pounced on for being unsympathetic. People seem to prefer to fail and be consoled than attempt to engineer a little grit and turn the tide and our children are breaking.

@Beachwalks2 the public don't understand this. There's a significant lack of awareness and understanding which of course there would be unless people live it.

You're probably on a group I'm on - A SEN group for mum's battling education systems to try access suitable provision. The membership is now at 69k UK wide. Intelligent, capable parents.

There just aren't the resources. The education system needs so much more resource in this area. Most of us don't want our kids in mainstream. The Local Authority forces it. The public have no sense here.

This thread reminds me a bit of the blame immigrants for all our ills type threads.

When I look at the growing SEN crisis I also wonder how much the stress of that splits up parents. And then you have the added disadvantage of single mum's trying to raise young people with additional needs which increases likelihood of problems. ( I'm not bashing poor single parents, I am one).

I agree with most of what was said here but I think there is also a societal problem in the mix. A sizable chunk of us live away from an extended family network.

Institutions that would have traditionally helped families along have now become quite scary leaving parents isolated and without much back up.

Church and their child sex abuse scandals - means that most parents will not trust them

Scouts - ditto

Police - too many scandals involving cover ups, sex abuse scandals, corruption, rape, even murder. Also, little emphasis on crime prevention, massive resources given to crime solving. We need more bobbys on patrol etc.

Schools - focus on the wrong things! LGBTQ2Spirit /kind /empathy and so on rather than a tight ship with discipline. When my dc was bullied the school immediately jumped to a binary position - the victim as vulnerable and meek - she was not / the bully as a victim of violence - he was not. So, they moved my dc to a "safer" class but left the bully with his pals; took my dc to chats on "how to speak up" but the bully had no intervention and so on. Really ridiculous.

Modern psychology plays a large part in that kind of framing, along with the idea that almost everything is trauma related or inducing, and most have some disability/disfunction. With this belief system, we wipe out resilience, self decline and self esteem.

Prevalence of, or perceived prevalence of child sex predation. In which case the sane option is to keep them indoors.

I agree entirely that parents need to be able to say 'no" and actually do the hard work. But I also think the deck is somewhat stacked against them.

Absolutely. Entitlement on the part of children - even well-behaved, good pupils are so bloody entitled - the world should revolved around them. A few years back dd's friend, a girl, was playing the piano in a kiddy concert. Because they were friends, I said 'let us go and support her, make a fuss, give her a little bunch of flowers and hear her perform'. The girl was a mediocre piano player, like most children who did the usual grade 8 or whatever, without the benefit of a music school. So off we went, literally, just to listen to this girl, sat through the most tedious 'concert', congratulated her and this woman goes 'Oh, Charlie should have come (my dh), Antonia (my dm) should have come! For real - she though it would be appropriate for my dh and dm to waste time to hear her dd play! I could not help it, I said - 'dd is Sonia's friend, that is why she came, and I am tone-deaf, so I did not suffer, but what did Charlie (a choral scholar) and my dm (good pianist) do to deserve this torture - to sit through an hour of cacophony? She was pissed off with me and did not realise the absurdity of her proposition - that an elderly woman and a man who does not know her, should attend this shitty concert to hear her dd play. Seriously.

Totally agree with this, in fact I thought about starting a post on this very subject. Language matters and influences how we interpret and process emotions and events. See also

Devastated
Hysterical
Utterly inconsolable
Totally beside herself

when applied to real but "every day" upsets.

^

I'll add 'meltdown' to this list.

Meltdown = tantrum. It's that simple.

Don't make it sound more glamorous than what it is. Your 11 year old had a tantrum. He had a tantrum.

Autistic children are often the most compliant, well-behaved, rule-following children, often to a fault. I don't think it is at all fair to single them out.

I think this whole issue is another go at beating women with the same old stick again. Men get to bugger off not only free, but with the added bonus of having a pop at the woman left behind actually bringing up their children.

Absent fathers reading these articles won't be having a crisis of conscience, they might be stirred into sending off an abusive WhatsApp to their ex partner.

I read the children not being able to climb stairs thing on the BBC the other day and thought WTF will they come up with next? I mean, how bizarre!

Every thread about a poorly behaved child is answered within the first few comments with 'any SEN, could he be ND?'
no, some kids are just badly behaved.
I got told I was unkind for saying a 12 year old shouldn't be crying because her mum wouldn't do 2 hrs of driving for her to see a pal, she's allowed her emotions you know!

It sounded like she was probably just being polite- saying that it would have been nice to see your husband and your mother socially too, letting you know that she values your family as friends. She won't make that mistake again I'm sure!
I cant believe that you were so rude! It seems its not just the children who are forgetting their manners!

Well it's pointless in the context of this discussion which was the recent increase in knife crimes and violence. Sure we should be addressing behaviour that leads to violence in general, but the recent increase in violent crimes isn't a biological one. It's poor parenting by both women and men, who are too lazy to install proper discipline and values into the children.

I don't think it's kids that have been gently parented that are causing the problems. There are a lot of misconceptions around 'gentle' parenting which is also called 'authoritative' parenting. It is science backed and actually associated with fewer behavioural problems. It is not permissive and doesn't involve a lack of consequences or boundaries or 'giving in to kids' at all. On the contrary it is all about introducing discipline and setting boundaries in age appropriate ways and holding firm to these boundaries. People confuse gentle parenting with permissive parenting which is where parents are reluctant to impose limits.

You think it is polite to suggest a choral scholar and a pianist should attend to sit through a shitty concert? I would have never presumed to invite anyone to my dc's performances. It is like inviting if not Dame J.Dench, but definitely a professional actor to sit through a pantomime in prep school. Polite would have been 'thank you so much for coming, we did not expect it, it is so nice of you to sacrifice your time, travel on a Saturday though all this traffic, and for what?' That would have been polite. I totally agree, adults need to be taught good manners too!

I don't think she was rude at all- just making polite conversation. I can't actually believe you think what you said was OK. It was breathtakingly rude!

It's always been the case that teenagers find ways around their parents rules and boundaries, which is why any parent worth their salt knows the key is educating their children, installing good moral values and providing a two way level of trust.

If you provide your teenager with contraception and educate them in the dangers of underage sex and porn you are far less likely to have issues compared to an authoritarian parent that monitors their phone or demands they not have underage sex.

Your lack of self-awarness is astounding. She was fine, you were astonishingly rude.

What an absolute twat you are making yourself sound. Choral scholar 🤣. You're exactly right, adults do need to learn good manners too 🤔. Think you scored an own goal with that statement.

Rude and incredibly pompous 😆

I couldn’t agree more.

A lot of parents don’t know how to parent these days and it starts when their children are tiny and then they feel it’s too late as they get older and then it’s completely out of control.

I feel also that parents feel there’s only two ways to parent… with a slap or not saying the word no to children. There is a middle ground, you can actually give children boundaries and treat them with respect without physical punishment, and you can enjoy time with your child without saying yes to everything and therefore letting them rule the roost.

Even with the whole “I don’t want to give my 12 year old a phone but all his friends have one and I don’t want him to be left out/bullied”…. No. You are the parent.

Many children have no consistency at all in their home, with their parents or from home to grandparents to school to clubs etc…. They also are not given boundaries and natural consequences.

It certainly is a parenting crisis… but it’s refreshing to see the replies (and this post) as sometimes you think you’re the only one seeing it.

And people think voting Reform will help with all this (as with Trump in the US).

As you say, everything is fucked and while I think Labour are doing the best they can with a really bad hand, they haven't got a hope in hell when people are constantly on their case about absolutely everything they do. No-one is allowed to be taxed to improve public services, pensioners, regardless of wealth, must remain exempt from any cuts, ditto farmers, millionaires etc etc.

And in a few years we may be in for the most toxic leadership of all time.

I was trying to find some therapy for my struggling DD today and was quoted £300 for the initial session. Had to say no. And we're not even particularly badly off.