Massive argument with H over reading with DC

[ibrow]

DS is nearly 6 and autistic. Diagnosisd young. Was unclear if he was going to manage in mainstream but he's going from strength to strength and now in Year 1
Still Behind his peers. Awaiting EHCP result but we are doing better now than ever

Monday - Friday he reads his reading books at bedtime with H while I deal with younger DC.

DS has horrible cold. He's been back at school and had a dance club tonight. He is clearly knackered.

At bedtime DS started crying saying he didn't want to read. H insisting. H himself has been grumpy all evening and had a nap at 6pm on the sofa. H seems to instantly get v frustrated, saying to DS "youre reading the whole book or im taking your ipad away for next two days". DS crying more and more. H becoming more frustrated. DS then starts screaming and biting things and trying to tear his pillow. I try to calm DS. Cuddle him. He calms. I get him to clear up the things he threw on the floor. He reads half the book as compromise and then fell asleep.

H had already stormed downstairs. He's furious. Says "if you want to be a slack parent then fucking be one. He doesn't get to dictate the terms. He's a child and he reads the whole fucking book every night. And you've ruined it" etc etc.

I took offence at being called slack given I do all his school meetings, have done all the horrendous EHCP stuff, and I'm really proud of progress we have made

He's so angry with me. Says I'm ruining him.

Me and H really had a nasty fight. Was I unreasonable?

No. You’re married to an abusive dick.

He behaved like an absolute prick.

No you are not unreasonable.
Your H was clearly tired, but that dies not excuse his horrible behaviour firstly to your son and then towards you.

One thing to be aware of is that if you (general you, not personal) make learning to read miserable, then your child will never get a love of reading.

When you've both calmed down talk to H and work on a plan together

That is one nasty piece of shit.
Your poor children.
Your poor unwell son.

I find it very hard to believe this is in isolation OP.

You need to reach out for support.
This is not normal.
His behaviour will damage them.

God that’s horrible to read. Poor DS and poor you. He’s 6. Who gives a fuck if he doesn’t finish the book even without the autism/cold/dance class/tiredness. Your husband is a bully and an arsehole. Is this new behaviour?

He is massively unreasonable and may put your son off reading for life. My autistic 5yo reads to us once a week if we're lucky and odd words here and there. We don't push him too much after a day at school because it would be counter productive. Your DH needs to be able to recognise if a child is unwell or overtired and adjust expectations accordingly. And 2 days iPad isn't a proportionate punishment even if you did feel a punishment was needed.

Is this after most other nights being calm and fine, or is it a battle every night for H to get him to read and he's hit breaking point with it?
Id start alternating nights rather than him doing it every night if so.

What an arsehole.

Aside from all the other obvious stuff, turning reading into a battle with an unwell 6yo is only going to turn reading into a chore and something to be avoided. Poor little thing.

DS saying he doesn't want to read is a one off. He has just got the hang of things and is starting to enjoy showing off his reading. He finds it really hard, and takes a long time over each word but he's determined. That's why tonight when he started crying saying he didn't want to do it tonight that he really felt rubbish. But H logic is the fact I've "let him" read only 4 pages that I've ruined our whole routine and DS thinks he's the boss. He also says DS crying to manipulate me and that DS wants me all the time because I'm so slack. He started shouting "let's hope your slack approach is going to work but I very much doubt it". I said "he's allowed to be tired" and he started shouting "do you think millionaires are tired and don't work when they don't feel like it" and that's when I burst out laughing because he's 5 and that is when H really lost it.

Sounds a little like autistic rigidity / stick to the rules and the routine, coming from your husband ...

Hope you can get a calm moment to have a discussion about how to recognise when exceptions need to be made for illness or overtiredness etc.

@AnneLovesGilbert I don't know if new behaviour as such. But extreme for him maybe. He just absolutely will not listen. And the angrier he gets the more he doesnt listen. But I feel like I have good instincts and know when DS just needs a cuddle and an early night and H just cranks up the stress for everyone.

This!

Thank you for helpful suggestions. There won't be any talking to him though. When H thinks he's right that's it - I bring it up again in a couple of days and it will only cause more drama. I'm not sure he's ever met me half way. Or certainly not for a few years.

Your DH is a cunt, your poor boy was driven to a melt down by his awful behaviour. He needs reminding that your DS is 6!
Your DH needs educating on ASD as clearly he is an utter knob if he thinks punishing his child into doing homework is the right way.
protect your child

This is abusive of your dh. It’s actually really horrible to read, I can’t imagine how awful it was for your ds to be in that situation.

Absolutely abusive, discusting behaviour from DH. My DD is autistic and we struggle with reading, if she walks away half way through a book neither of us would ever force it on her. You need to be really patient with autistic children.

ASD Grandson same age but HE.. if this happened to him I'd bloody strangle the person responsible.
Your H needs educating on how to parent .. especially kids with ASD.
I could cry for your son.
This is no way to treat a child especially one with ASD.
ASD children need " safe" people and that's usually the parents .
If it continues I'd be looking to kick him out.
Kids always come first.
I feel like l want to punch him in the mouth.😡

I think you need to consider if it’s in your and your children’s best interests to be with this man

I honestly thought I would get people saying I had undermined DH.

I know how I was to parent. Also I actually know I'm doing a good job (most of the time). We used to have meltdowns 5 times a week and now it's rare. He's in school. He's doing well. He's happy.

I just don't know how to parent with DH. I either back DH and parent in a way against my instinct and my understanding of ASD,....or I keep "undermining DH"

P.S if this was someone l knew .. telling me this.. I'd be reporting their H.

What a horrible git

FWIW it’s worth OP my DH can be massively pushy with the children (academically) and he wouldn’t be like this. He also listens to my perspective and I make sure that I listen to his. Your DH sulking and stropping abd carrying on is really worrying. I can’t imagine living with this level of inflexibility. As an aside, I have my children read much earlier in the evening when they aren’t as tired. Friday evening everyone’s normally knackered I’d have thought

Good grief mine didn’t read reliably once a week at that age as they were knakkard ! Sounds like he is triggered.

no excuse for his behaviour but is your husband perhaps struggling with your son’s diagnosis?