Massive argument with H over reading with DC

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DS is nearly 6 and autistic. Diagnosisd young. Was unclear if he was going to manage in mainstream but he's going from strength to strength and now in Year 1
Still Behind his peers. Awaiting EHCP result but we are doing better now than ever

Monday - Friday he reads his reading books at bedtime with H while I deal with younger DC.

DS has horrible cold. He's been back at school and had a dance club tonight. He is clearly knackered.

At bedtime DS started crying saying he didn't want to read. H insisting. H himself has been grumpy all evening and had a nap at 6pm on the sofa. H seems to instantly get v frustrated, saying to DS "youre reading the whole book or im taking your ipad away for next two days". DS crying more and more. H becoming more frustrated. DS then starts screaming and biting things and trying to tear his pillow. I try to calm DS. Cuddle him. He calms. I get him to clear up the things he threw on the floor. He reads half the book as compromise and then fell asleep.

H had already stormed downstairs. He's furious. Says "if you want to be a slack parent then fucking be one. He doesn't get to dictate the terms. He's a child and he reads the whole fucking book every night. And you've ruined it" etc etc.

I took offence at being called slack given I do all his school meetings, have done all the horrendous EHCP stuff, and I'm really proud of progress we have made

He's so angry with me. Says I'm ruining him.

Me and H really had a nasty fight. Was I unreasonable?

You are an amazing mum. Your ND child is doing well, goes to school, goes to dance club, is getting on with his reading and progressing. You're educating yourself about this, advocating for him, doing ALL the parenting. 👏👏👏

And your husband doesn't take any share in the parenting, refuses to learn, doesn't give an inch in his rigid view of you and your child, frightens and threatens your child into a meltdown and has no empathy for either of your feelings.

Your poor kid was sick - a cold is a virus so will take a lot of energy and drive out of him. He needs physical and mental rest, not pushing. Maybe pause the dance club until he's better?

H has a fixed view that x amount of time on reading will happen - or no screen for X days. (I imagine a screen is a beneficial resource for your child?) What a way to make your child hate and fear reading, which should be a joy for all.

And any display of emotion is triggering for him.

I'm making an assumption here, but ND men can be lovely - or they can be very hard to live with. Autism is genetic so it is very likely he is ND himself.

If so, he can't change. This is who he is.

If not, he can change. IF he wants to, and works at it.

Hurling insults at you is verbal abuse. Which is - abuse.

So you have a choice. What do you want your future life to be like for your child and yourself? Stop looking at the what-if fear and start thinking if something different would be best.

If there's a way to put a child off reading, then your husband's behaviour is it. An unwell 6 year old, who's had a full day at school, and has been to an after school activity is going to be tired - that's without adding in the Autism aspect. Your husband wasn't best placed to be reading with your son, if he himself was already grumpy and tired. That was a recipe for disaster on its own, without adding in an unwell and tired child. Yes, you should encourage reading/learning but it needs to be enjoyable and has to be flexible!! At this age, you can, as parents have a slightly more flexible approach. Of course there's homework that needs to be done, but at 6, the teacher won't be dishing out a detention if your son's too unwell to complete his homework one night. Your husband was massively unreasonable, upset his son unnecessarily and yelled at you for actually having a more sensible approach. You need a calm conversation with your husband once the dust has settled. If he reacts like this to your son's learning, regardless if it's reading for pleasure or homework, life is going to get very stressful the older your son becomes.

I agree, writing him a careful email would be a good move.

And KEEP IT.

Get as much of this written down as possible. Detailed notes, journal of incidents and behaviour. It might help you think clearly.

If you should split, you will not lose the children.

He may threaten that, or 50/50 - this is usually to control and hurt, knowing this is the thing you most dread, so will prod that fear.

Write everything you do and have done for your children, compared to what your husband does.

The school will be able to confim which parent is most present and engaged, and that shuttling between two houses would not be beneficial to him.

Quite apart from your husband's behaviour here, making a child of this age read a whole book every day is unnecessary and unrealistic. My (NT, Year 1) child reads every morning before school but she knows she only has to read five pages. If she wants to, she can read more - and often does. But little and often is far more useful at this stage. And if she's ill, of course we wouldn't push it.

Your H sounds very immature. Why on earth can’t he regulate himself over something like this rather than having a hissy fit. What a twat.

Well if she's anything like me it's because she works and you save the goodwill of having to take days off for sickness for when your child is really sick, not when they are a bit grotty because they have a cold. Dance club, if it is one that school runs after school, at the age of six, is just an extension of school that lets you get to the end of the working day.

I'm going to go out on a massive limb and say the OP's husband doesn't respond with pacific calm and helpfulness when their children fall ill and plans have to change at short notice. I'm going to go further out on said limb and say that as a result OP takes off the vast majority of unplanned leave for the sick kids.

No-one's asking why the dick husband sent the child in to work and dance club when poorly. Because the assumption is always made that the mum will be the one to do it.

Why on earth can’t he regulate himself over something like this rather than having a hissy fit.

ND and in sensory overload because of the crying and the change to routine.

Doesn't make it right or fair. Does mean he's very unlikely to be able to control it or change his behaviour.

ND or not, he’s an adult and a parent. He needs to learn how to regulate his emotions better.Even if that means just getting up and walking away and making himself a cup of tea to calm down.

Damn right. But that would require him to have insight that it is his reaction to the situation which is the problem, not the situation itself, and to work on strategies to support and regulate himself. And he obviously does not have that insight. And the OP telling him will not get through to him as he does not respect her unfortunately.

I am sure DH is ND.

But quite apart from that - I don't think he likes me or respects me. We have got to stage where if we differ - he blows up in my face, we go silent for a couple of days and then it's forgotten about.

I asked him about getting my hair cut last week and he said "you really are a mess of a human being. talk about midlife crisis" in such a malicious tone. and i was like "urm.." and then he always says "joking. i'm joking"

It's toxic. We have different parenting styles - which i guess lots of people do - but i'm realising it's OUR relationshp that means we cannot communicate & find a middle ground.

he is often tired. often seems fed up of our life together. huffing and puffing. always tired, always had a bad day. and just will not talk to me with all openness any longer. it's he is waiting to blow up. i don't know what i did along the way, but it wasn't always like this.

You didn’t do anything. He was masking this behaviour. Now you have children, you can see the ‘wrongness’ of it.

You are someone’s child too!!

The thing is you had children. Before that, you won't have noticed how much you would have indulged him, placated him, and in a hundred little ways orientated your life together around his preferences and needs. Because non-ND people aren't as particular, it is easy enough to do.

But then you have children, and of course they become your priority. You orient your lives around their needs. And instead of seeing this as the completely natural course of things, he feels betrayed, abandoned and let down and pushed out. Because he cannot get his head around the fact that what he prefers is not necessarily the right and proper order of the universe.

I assume having a child, especially one with SEN(they need a lot more work and extra attention)is what you did "wrong". Children take up a lot of time, change routines, need to be put first a lot of the time etc. So not only are the cracks showing in his behaviour/not coping, but you also can't let certain things go , just get on with others and pander to him as you probably did before.

Put it all in the email and also that you are going to reach out to child services for support as the family needs support.

He is absolutely toxic, your home is toxic and he loaths you.

However, he will be appalled at the thought of being found out.
Bullys hate the truth coming out.
Forward it on to a safe email address for your records.
Mention that you are emailing him as he refuses to listen and this has gotten too serious as it is affecting the children.

In my daughters school one of the girls told her friend group about her dad being a total prick to herself and her mother.

Very successful man, a real charmer🙄, huge house etc.
One of the girls repeated to the teacher what was said and the girl was pulled aside and spoken to by her YH.

Her mother was called and told that the school would have to make a referral to child services and the mum said 'do it'.

There was police involvement because he had thrown a shoe in her direction and it hit her.
He was absolutely stunned and mortified by the police turning up and agreed to packing a bag and leaving the home.

They have since very quickly divorced as he is a well known in medical circles.
She is happy with her settlement, particularly as he had been refusing to divorce.
His children will not see him and he is rightly nervous of going to court because his daughter has told him that she will tell the judge how awful he is.

This has not been kept quiet by parents in the know.
Bullying scum.

Telling teachers/coaches you are being abused by your parents is one of the quickest ways for women to get help, if their children do it.
Mandated people are obliged to act.

It doesn't matter with your 'D'H is ND or not. He is treating you and your son appallingly badly. He's a bullying cunt who insults you, undermines you and swears at you and attempts to parent his autistic six-year-old like he's running a Victorian workhouse.

This.

Being ND doesn’t excuse the horrible, bullying behaviour. I think a lot of men end up like this when they become fathers, as they hate what they see as taking a back seat in the mother’s life. They aren’t nurturers, they want to be nurtured.

Have you written the email yet OP?

Or just a man puffed up with a sense of entitlement to get his own way, who sees women and children as beneath him, and believes he should be given far more attention and respect than anyone else in the family?

I used to wonder if my exH was ND.
No, he's just a narcissist.

You were right. You're husband is hideous.

One of the things he kept insisting/shouting about last night was that DS would refuse to read again tonight now "he knows mum is a pushover". Of course DS was totally fine tonight - read his book no problem. DH of course doesn't acknowledge it. H went to bed at 8pm.

I agree with you @Haemagoblin @BlueSilverCats it was the kids. There were signs before but nothing seemed a big deal because we were a young couple with disposable income with no responsibility. And now I've found out the harder things get, the nastier he is.

Today Me and him have been business like in your communications about DC, and I was imagining that's how it could be if we co parented. But I know him and I know he won't make anything easy.

If I knew I could keep my kids safe I'd be gone.

The fact that you actually worry about whether you could keep your kids safe if you separated is very telling OP! You obviously think he is capable of hurting them, and if that is the case, all the more reason for getting them away from him. Has he physically hurt them before?

Safe doesn't just mean physically safe. Psychological safety is also important. And a lot less easy to ensure via family court.

It’s a horrible rock and hard place to be between; if you stay it’s not really demonstrating a loving, functional relationship is it? But you’re there 100% of the time to mitigate and try and calm him and basically smooth his cracks with the children BUTS it’s clearly a high conflict household with tension the kids will be exposed to daily and that’s also not right.

However I agree that sharing custody means he’ll have time with them without you there to calm things even though they’d likely then have a peaceful, stable home with you the majority of the time.

I feel for you OP, it’s not clear cut.